The moment she knew
It’s been a while since Lily has checked in on her online friend Arlo. Maybe it would be a good idea to do so right now, he’s been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while now.
She opens her phone and she couldn’t believe her eyes.
‘This user doesnt’t exist anymore’ it says.
He doesn’t exist anymore
He’s gone
Like gone gone, like dead, and he did it himself and Lily feels like somehow she could’ve stopped him.
She would’ve, could’ve saved him. She somehow should’ve saved him.
She would’ve done everything if it would’ve meant him still being here, he wouldn’t even have had to talk to her, just knowing that he would’ve been alive would have been enough actually.
He was too young, he spent most of his nights awake, not even wishing that it was how it used to be because he’d been sad all his life.
Lily will probably never forgive herself for this, for not checking in more, for not asking for his snap, she’d do anything just to find out his old wattpad account, to read whatever he wrote, whatever made him happy, whatever was his escape when Lily wasn’t yet.
She knew he was struggling, she knew he was breaking down, she knew she knew she knew and she didn’t help, maybe she couldn’t help could she help was there anything she could’ve done?
Every once an hour this day, it just somehow hits her how abrupt death actually is. That people can be actually... gone.
Right now, she finally understands when they say that losing a friend to suicide is the worst feeling ever. It’s worse than any death, any breakup, anything at all.
Because you actually will blame yourself, and everyone and everything around you and everyone and everything that could’ve done anything about it.
He’s dead. Like dead dead, gone, there’s no way of contacting him ever again, no way anyone will ever contact him again, because he’s dead.
Right now, Lily just feels like an empty shell of herself, like all the happiness in her body left her as soon as he did.
She sees all the news about films she likes, films he liked as well, and she can’t even be happy about it anymore.
She listens to a song that makes her think of Katniss Everdeen, and wants to tell him, but she can’t, because he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, and that’s her whole mind the whole day.