It will always be you.
It was weird what was happening between them. Not unpleasant, which it make everything even more bizarre. Remus and Sirius spent most days together and it wasn’t just that, it was how they did it. Alright, yes, Sirius was a touchy person. He liked physical affection, such as hugging people or locking arms together, but with Remus it was different. He enjoyed a bit too much showing his love to him. It wasn’t his fault, it was just easy and nice and natural. Sirius decided to talk to James.
It was in the lockerroom after Quidditch practice that he decided to talk to his best friend.
“-maybe we can do it tomorrow, if Peter doesn’t have to-”
“Prongs,” Sirius interrupted, not really caring about what James was saying. “What do you think about my relationship with Moony?”
“Well, er,” James had finished changing and was now putting away his clothes. “I think it’s lasting more than it should be.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it has been a month, Pads. Marlene is clearly not interested in getting back together, so… yeah, what are you doing exactly?”
The thing was Sirius still missed Marlene and wished she talked to him.
“My plan is gonna work, don’t worry.”
“Padfoot, be honest,” James sighed. “Why are you still pretending to date, Moony?”
“Because-”
“Don’t you dare say it’s about Marlene.”
“But it is!”
“Really? Do you platonically rest your hand on Moony’s leg? And were you cuddling in your bed some days ago for everyone to see?”
“I-” Sirius didn’t know.
“Look, Pads, just think about the situation.” It seemed as if he knew something Sirius didn’t, which annoyed him. What was to think about?
So that’s exactly what he did. Late at night, in the Astronomy Tower Sirius thought about about Remus. His curls, his amber eyes, how tall he was, his scars, his humour… Sirius decided he rather liked to think about him. He really liked it. After all, Remus was special, had always been. Moony was witty and sarcastic and so kind but still mischievous. As if hearing his thoughts, Remus appeared.
“Moony, what are you doing here?” Remus simply sat next to him, rather far, Sirius noticed, and took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.
“We need to talk.” He said, litting a cigarette and offering one to Sirius. His tone was flat and emotionless. He didn’t like it. Where was his Moony?
“What’s up?” Sirius asked, taking the cig.
“I think we should stop fake-dating.” He exhaled smoke and ignored Sirius’ pleading look.
“What? Why?” Why was Remus doing this?
“It’s not working.”
“It will! Just give it time-”
“It’s stupid.” That hurt Sirius. Spending time with him had been stupid?
“You- You didn’t enjoy it, or…?”
Then, Remus did look at Sirius. “It was never about that.”
“What is it?” His chest pressed in a way it pained Sirius. He didn’t understand.
“Sirius, we can’t just do this forever.”
“I know!” Sirius was desperate. “Did I do something?”
“No, Sirius. It’s me, alright? I can’t do this.”
“That’s what Marlene said.” And she had left him. Why was everyone leaving? Was Sirius the problem? He knew he was. He had always been.
“It’s not the same. I’m still your friend.” And yet Sirius felt as if he was losing him. His sadness must have showed in his eyes as Remus then added. “Look, it’s not over yet. Marlene will surely ask to get back together. Or in any case you’ll get over her.”
The think was Sirius was over Marlene. Actually, looking at Remus’ eyes he thought if he had ever loved her. He had never craved her touch as he did with Remus’, his stomach didn’t do funny things when she smiled and he hadn’t once looked at her lips as he was doing now at his best friend’s.
“What if I’m over her?” He asked and still admired Remus’ mouth. Then he looked at his eyes and something had changed. There was something close to hope.
“I guess you won’t be needing me anymore.” Oh, but he did. He needed Remus as if it was oxygen.
“What if I don’t want us to stop dating?”
“Sirius, what are you talking about?”
“I don’t think I ever missed Marlene as my girlfriend.” Remus was sat with his back against a column and his face was lit by the moonlight and his fingers were carelessly grabbing the cigarette. He was lovely.
“Why would you say that, Pads?”
“Because I never felt with her what I’m feeling right now…with you.”
Remus opened his mouth a couple of times before saying: “Pads, I-”
“What would you do if you found out you liked someone?” He interrupted.
Remus looked at the stars, took a puff and then looked at Sirius. “It depends, who do I like?”
“Doesn’ matter.”
“It does, Pads.” Remus was looking something in Sirius. He probably found it, Sirius wasn’t hiding anything anymore. “Who do you like?”
“You know who I like.” Sirius said softly. The air was tense, their eyes wouldn’t leave eachother.
“I should leave.” Remus said but wasn’t moving.
Sirius threw the cigarette, stood up and made his way to Remus. He stretched his arm and offered his hand. Remus took it, leaving the cigarette, leaving the sitting position. Sirius looked up at him.
“Moony, what should I do if I like someone? If I desire them so bad it hurts to even think I could never hold their hand again?” Sirius took Remus’ face in his hands “What if I want to date them?” He looked at his lips which were parted. “What if I want to kiss them?” Remus placed his hands in Sirius waist and brought their bodies closer.
“It depends,” Remus said, brushing their lips together.
“On what.”
“On how hard do you want to be kissed.” Sirius looked at his eyes and grinned before locking their lips and surrendering into it. This was how it suppose to feel like. And he would feel it. Sirius would love Remus for years, even during war, even while being locked up. He will never feel the same with anybody else. It will always be Remus, as long as he would have him.