Chapter 8
Regulus didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t his brother. Why did Sirius want to talk now? After months of no attempts of communication. He stood abruptly, back against the wall.
“What are you doing here?” Regulus asked in a monotone voice, trying to hide his panic and confusion.
“I thought you would be here.” Sirius sheepishly responded, he stepped a few inches closer.
“What makes you think I want you here?” He snapped. This is bad. He knows if he’s around Sirius, his brother will see right through him. It doesn’t matter how long they are apart, his big brother can always tell when he’s about to have a breakdown.
“Look I heard about this morning and I get it, you hate me, but I need to see if you are okay.” Sirius sounds exasperated.
Regulus scoffs.
“Obviously I’m not fucking okay you dimwit, but you don’t get to check up on me just to resolve your guilt. Now fuck off, I don’t want your presence irritating me more than it already has.” He says with a bite in his tone.
Sirius inhales. “Reggie-“
“It’s Regulus.”
Sirius sighs before continuing “Regulus, I know this isn’t what you want. You may act like you can handle this pressure, fool everyone else into believing that you are fine with what our parents have in store for you, but I know you.”
Regulus lets out a bitter laugh.
“You think you know me? That’s pathetic. You know the 10 year old version of me, not who I am now. We’ve been strangers related by blood for the last 5 years.” He says in a cruel tone. He needs to hurt his brother, to make him leave. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up this facade, and it’s much easier if Sirius isn’t around.
This finally gets a small reaction out of Sirius. His brows furrowed a bit and he clenched his jaw.
“That’s such bullshit, and you know it. Strangers wouldn’t take punishments for you. Strangers wouldn’t try and ensure your safety like I did.” He says, growing increasingly more frustrated. Good, Regulus thinks. The more you hate me the safer you are. The issue was that Regulus was also growing more frustrated, he can tell he’s about to crumble. He can’t afford that.
“Of course you would bring that up! I never asked you to do anything for me but you just had to be the hero. I would’ve gladly taken the punishments if I knew you expected me to forever be in your debt.” Regulus hissed.
Sirius threw his hands up in the air, irritated.
“I never needed a thank you, I just needed you to come with me and you didn’t even consider it. You were too much of a fucking coward to escape when I offered and now you’re going to have a miserable life!” His face tenses before continuing. “You’re going to be forced into a loveless heterosexual marriage, oh yeah by the way I know you're gay! Then after that you’ll be forced to have children and keep our precious bloodline going, spending the rest of your days attending balls and banquets when you could have just taken a chance. This is going to ruin you Regulus, I don’t want my baby brother to die!” He yells.
“I stayed for you, you don’t get to call my bravest moment an act of cowardice when I sacrificed my happiness for yours!” Regulus shouts back.
Sirius switched from an enraged expression to a puzzled one. Regulus fucked up. Shit.
“Regulus, what are you talking about?”
He stays silent.
Sirius repeats himself, more stern this time.
“Regulus. What are you talking about?” He demands.
There’s really no getting out of this.
“Only one of us could get out.” Regulus replies. He barely whispers when he adds “Only one of us deserved to.”
Sirius’ eyes turn glossy, gears turning in his head.
“What? What do you mean?”
Regulus takes a shaken breath and looks away from his brother before elaborating.
“Mother and father would never let both of us leave, they needed an heir. Staying at that house would’ve killed you. You had so much ahead of you, so many possibilities that I wouldn’t have. After all the years of you acting out for my sake, taking punishments meant for me while I just stood like a coward-“ Regulus had to take a moment so his voice didn’t break. “It was the one thing I felt like I could actually do for you. You were never supposed to find out, I pushed you away for a reason. My first and last act of courage. I thought maybe I could finally do something worthy of making you proud.” He feels a droplet on his shirt. Regulus touches his face, unaware that he had even started crying. He waits a moment expecting a response, but is met with silence. He turns to finally look at his brother and immediately regrets it.
Sirius has his hands clasped over his mouth, tears streaming down his face. His breathing starts to shake before he lets out a silent sob. Regulus panics for a moment, not knowing what to do, before Sirius speaks.
“Reggie, I never blamed you. I was the one who chose to take those punishments and I never once blamed you.” He chokes out.
“I know, that’s the worst part.” Regulus gives a sad smile.
“I’m the big brother, I’m supposed to look out for you not the other way around.” He pauses, sniffling. “I don’t want you to be miserable for me.”
“That’s not your choice. I made up my mind, and for the first time in my life, I think I’m actually doing the right thing. Something I can say I’m proud of.” Regulus croaks out.
The two of them just stand there, looking at each other, tears running. Regulus doesn’t know which hurts more, the verbalized conversation or the unspoken one. Even in the silence they both are communicating a million different thoughts. Regulus misses him, it’s been killing him to keep away from his brother.
“You can’t save me Sirius.” Regulus says, breaking the quiet.
“What? Why not?” Sirius asks, a bit frantic.
“It’s just not a possibility,” Regulus raises his hand to stop Sirius from speaking when the other boy opens his mouth. “There are too many things preventing that, and I will never speak to you again if you do something stupid like coming back to Grimmauld.”
Sirius’ express softens.
“You were planning on speaking to me again?” He asks quietly, with a hopeful look in his eyes.
Regulus rolls his eyes. “Don’t make me regret it. It can’t be in public, word might get back to mother and father. But remember, you can’t save me. You can’t get me out of this situation this time.”
“Not in public, got it.” Sirius responds with a smile.
“Sirius, the other part too.” Regulus says sternly.
Sirius looks away for a moment and pauses. “Okay, I won’t try and save you if it means we can talk.” His smile returns.
They both stand there awkwardly for a moment.
“Do you uh, want to stargaze with me?” Regulus looks at the ground when he proposes this idea, too embarrassed to look his brother in the eyes.
“Yeah, I think that'd be nice” Sirius answers, which makes Regulus look up, trying to keep any emotion off of his face.
They sit down side by side and sit in a comfortable silence. Regulus still regrets slipping up and letting Sirius in, but he’s also selfishly pleased because at least he can speak to his brother again. Regulus knew Sirius was lying when he promised not to save him, but he didn’t expect anything else from his older brother.
Regulus doesn’t have to take anything to fall asleep that night. For once, he also rests without any unpleasant dreams.