Lily couldn’t believe Slughorn right now. He knew, he fucking knew, that her and Snape were no longer friends.
He knew and yet he was insistent on partnering them up for potions anyways.
The first time he did it, she couldn’t believe her ears. She felt her face heat up as she tried and failed to stutter out a protest.
“Oh don’t be silly darling, you two work brilliantly together!” Slughorn proclaimed loudly.
Severus looked up nervously, afraid to make eye contact with the furious redhead standing beside him. “We don’t have to talk,” he muttered, trying anything he could to calm her down.
He used to be able to calm her down easily, but that was a different time in their lives. Now, he was usually the reason she wasn’t calm, and though that hurt he had no one to blame but himself.
And so they worked together, project after project, usually ignoring one another.
Until it came time to brew amortentia. They worked together flawlessly, even through all of the silence. They moved around the cauldron like it was a dance of theirs they’d rehearsed hundreds of times.
And really it was, they’d been making potions together for years, and it came naturally to them. Even in their current state of loathing. It was still easy.
“Alright class,” Slughorn said cheerfully, “I’d like you to go around the room and tell everyone what you smell when you inhale the potion. Remember, the potion smells like the person you fancy most. It’s one of the strongest love potions there is.”
Lily rolled her eyes at this, “fuck love,” she muttered, causing Severus to snort. She glared up at him, before seeing the look on his face and almost cracking a smile herself.
She mentally scolded herself, not wanting to allow herself to get mixed up with him again.
She knew Severus better than she knew herself, so she knew how sorry he was, how much he was probably beating himself up for what he did. Punishing himself for hurting her at that awful moment.
But nonetheless Lily had some self respect, and so she couldn’t let herself go down that path again. She couldn’t let the one person she wanted in her life back in.
“Potter, why don’t you go first!” Slughorn belted finally, getting the ball rolling for them since no one had taken the initiative.
Lily rolled her eyes, expecting some bullshit answer about her shampoo or something. Potter had really been upping his flirting since her fight with Severus, as if no longer being friends with Severus gave him a chance with her.
“Uhm, chocolate, dog fur, and nail polish..” Potter stuttered out, making Remus gasp behind him. Lily looked startled too, she instantly knew what that meant, and so did Potter and Remus by the looks of it.
“In love with both of them, aye Potter?” Lily whispered with a smirk, causing the black haired boy to glare. Remus chuckled, winking at her.
“Excellent work Potter, Mulciber can you please do the same?” Slughorn asked, waiting patiently for the Slytherin boy to answer.
He continued this way around the class, until finally, “Evans, your turn darling!” He smiled brightly, and Lily truly wanted to hex the poor old prick across the room.
Nonetheless she wasn’t one to ignore direct orders from a teacher, so she leaned down and gently sniffed the cauldron in front of her. Blushing before she ever spoke.
“I uhm, I smell..” she took a deep breath before continuing, “I smell dittany, coconut oil, and lilac.” She didn’t dare look up at Severus, but she knew he knew. There was no doubt in her mind that he knew that was him she smelled.
She could’ve lied, she was going to lie honestly.. but for some reason she wanted him to know. To know that it makes it that much harder to hate him, because she still fucking loves him.
His breath hitched slightly beside her, but he didn’t comment or look her way. Slughorn thanked her, and moved on to Severus.
He looked right at her, and unlike herself he did not stutter. “Strawberries, wildflowers, and books.” Lily looked up now, making direct eye contact with Severus.
The rest of the class was awkwardly waiting for the moment to pass it seemed. No one spoke or moved. The whole class had known of their fight. Really the whole school.
Lily shook her head and looked back down, ignoring Severus for the rest of class. As soon as Slughorn dismissed them she rushed out of the room, silently scolding herself for letting that much emotion show to him.
-
Over the next few potions classes Lily didn’t so much as glance at Severus. The knowledge that they both still loved one another loomed over their heads like a nasty curse.
They continued to work together silently, making sure not to speak, touch, or look at one another.
Severus decided enough was enough. “Can I talk to you after class?” He asked quietly one day. Afraid if he spoke too loudly he’d piss her off.
“No,” Lily said shortly, but groaned at the pleading look on Severus’ face, “alright fine.” She muttered.
When class was over Lily marched out the door and started to head out onto the grounds, either Severus was following her or he wasn’t. But she knew he was, she could feel his presence.
When she made it to their tree, well what used to be their tree she turned around and sat down under it.. directly under the spot where their initials were carved. Everything truly reminded her of what they used to have.
“Go on,” she grumbled, bringing her knees to her chest and looking up at him. He hesitated before sitting in front of her cross legged.
“You’re more important to me than getting back at my dad,” he whispered, looking the girl in front of him up and down. He found it was easier to say now, sadly he couldn’t say it early enough.
“Am I ? Because it doesn’t seem so. You called me a fucking mudblood Severus. You hang around with all of these death eaters and death eaters to be, and you expect me to think that me or anyone of the muggleborns are safe around you?” Lily stopped there, taking a deep breath.
“I am sorry for what I called you, truly, and you’ll never understand how deeply I regret that moment. But I need to be open with you, and I need you to stay calm and hear me out. If you’re not willing to do that then this conversation will be pointless,” Severus squared his shoulders.
Lily contemplated this, he really didn’t deserve anything from her. He knew it too. But then she thinks about the little boy she met all those years ago. She thinks about the night he cried to her about his dad.
She sighs, and nods, “I’ll listen, well I’ll try. I’m mad at you Severus,” she huffed, pulling her knees even tighter to her chest.
“No, really? Are you? I’d have never known,” Severus pushes out. Lily almost got mad but as she looked up at him he was smirking and she wanted to laugh.
“Just go on,” she said impatiently, hating herself a little more for even allowing this conversation to happen. She’d sworn she wouldn’t let him back in.
“I am going to take the mark,” Severus started, looking up into Lily’s eyes to see if she was actually going to listen, when she flinched he sighed, “not for the reasons you think though.”
“I’m going to take the mark because I’m going to spy for the order. I am only telling you this because I care enough to not allow you to think I’d betray you so deeply. I need you to understand, even if you hate me, that I wouldn’t do that to you,” he shook his head, almost like he was trying to back track to something else.
“I talked to Dumbledore, well he talked to me really. He knows they’re expecting me to join, and he needs inside information. So once I turn seventeen I will be taking the mark. You can’t tell anyone okay? No one can know, it.. it would get me killed,” Severus sighed, looking again like he wanted to bring up something else. Instead he sat silently as he waited for Lily to process.
“That’s..” Lily started, a baffled expression screwing up her face, “that’s absolutely insane Severus! You could get hurt, you could die. Why on earth would you agree to something like that?!”
“Because someone has to do it, and I will be good at it. I know occlumency and I can brew potions better than anyone. I can climb his ranks and get information that will be valuable to the order. I’m the best one for this job, and Dumbledore knows it.”
Lily just stared at Severus. She never expected that. She thought for sure he was going to join the death eaters, as.. well as a death eater. She wasn’t sure what exactly he expected to come from this, but now she was even more confused about her feelings.
“I.. I won’t say anything. You know I won’t.” She mumbled, and he nodded in return because he did know that, that’s why he told her.
“I wasn’t telling you this expecting us to skip off together of course, I know where you stand. But I needed you to know, take care of yourself Lilypad,” Severus stood and walked away, leaving Lily sitting under their tree by herself. Questioning everything she thought she knew.
-
Over the next few weeks Lily found herself talking to Severus more and more in potions class. It started out little, a simple hand me that ingredient, or did you stir that yet. Until eventually they were having normal conversations again.
Severus wasn’t complaining by any means, he never thought they’d be able to have normal conversations again. But he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. They’d done this a million times, and he truly thought the last time was the last time they’d do it.
Severus and Lily weren’t good for each other and they knew it. So why continue this nonsense? Well I guess that’s just what happens whenever you love someone so much it’s consuming.
What Severus wasn’t expecting however was for Lily to start sitting with him again after dinner. They used to sit under their tree together every evening until curfew.
The first few times they sat in silence, but clearly Lily had other intentions this time. “Kiss me.” She whispered, looking up a bit to make eye contact with Severus.
His eyes widened, and he sputtered a bit, “what..?” He said lamely, mentally rolling his eyes at himself. “Kiss me, please,” Lily repeated softly.
Severus stared at her for a bit longer before slowly sliding his hand onto her face, he leaned down softly placing his lips upon hers. They stayed like that for a while, slowly exploring one another.
When they finally pulled apart Severus noticed a few tears falling from Lily’s eyes. He wiped them away gently and took a deep breath. She shook her head and sighed.
“I hate that you make me feel this way,” she whispered, afraid if she spoke too loudly she’d break the atmosphere around them.
“I know,” he muttered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “It would never work..” she said gently, and he nodded before she could say anything else.
“I know that too, maybe in another universe.” She nodded her agreement, looking up at him and kissing him again. When she finished this time though, she hugged him tightly. “Maybe if we both survive. Maybe someday. But I have to let you go for now, for real this time.”
“I love you,” was all he said. He didn’t protest, he knew she was right. It was always going to be this way. With the war and everything going on around them. Even if they made up he knew they couldn’t continue on.
“And I love you Sev,” she said, kissing his cheek. She left then, before much else could be said. They couldn’t drag it on any longer.
She’d been stupid, to let it all get to her. They’d never be able to work, the two of them were only given so much time in this universe and she had to learn to be okay with that. She had to learn to let him go.
Sadly there was no universe where they could survive together, they just didn’t know it yet.