Remus, for the third time that week, woke up drenched in sweat with his heart racing. The same dream. He transformed back into himself and found Sirius’ thoroughly mauled and mangled body before him. The part of his brain responsible for self-loathing was really kicking it up a notch lately.
He rolled over and just as he was about to open the curtains around his bed, Sirius peeked in from the other side, making him jump.
“Fucking hell, Padfoot!” He hissed, clutching his chest.
“Sorry!” He frowned, “Just came to see if you were ok.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Remus pulled the blanket up to cover him to his chin.
“You’ve been having nightmares again.” Sirius shrugged. “You talk during them, sometimes.”
“No, I don’t!” Remus wanted to crawl under his blanket and never come out. “Do I really?”
“Yeah. There’s been a few mentions of my name lately.” Sirius said carefully. “And you’ve been avoiding me.” Fuck. He should have known that Sirius would notice Remus pulling away.
“It’s… the wolf,” Remus said quietly.
Sirius looked over his shoulder. “Bathroom window.” Remus nodded and then got out of bed, pulling a jumper over his scarred torso.
They crept to the bathroom, Sirius cast a silencing spell and opened the window. It was wide enough for both of them to lean on the frame, shoulder to shoulder while taking in the clear sky. Sirius lit a cigarette and handed it to Remus, before lighting one for himself.
“It’s been the same dream, three times this week.” Remus paused to take a long drag, “I transform back into myself and you’re there on the floor in front of me, completely… I’ve killed you.”
Sirius looked at him, then pulled him into a hug. “That sounds horrible.” Remus nodded. “Have you seen Pomfrey for some dreamless sleep?”
“No. Didn’t want to bother her.” Remus muttered.
“Well, that’s where we’re going before breakfast.” Sirius let Remus go and went back to his cigarette. “Do you think you deserve to suffer or something?”
Remus choked, “What?”
“When your mood is low. Usually about a week before the moon… it’s not that you stop caring for yourself, but it’s like you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy. Like, you’ll feed yourself and shower and sleep, but that’s it. If you’re aching, you won’t take a pain potion, which, might I add, is literally what they’re for, Remus. If you have nightmares, you won’t talk to Pomfrey, fuck, you wouldn’t have talked to anybody if I hadn’t had… You deserve good things, Moony. I hate seeing you suffer.”
He sounded so raw and vulnerable that Remus didn’t know what to do with himself. “I think, when my body starts to hurt, or when I have these nightmares, or I can’t sleep, or whatever, it’s just a reminder that I’m not actually human. I’m a beast. Or a monster. And I always will be. In that moment, I don’t feel like I deserve any relief. I know that’s not what you want to hear, sorry.”
When Sirius turned to him again, he looked so sad and Remus’ heart broke a little bit. “You deserve the world, Moons. You are a good person, you deserve to not be in pain, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved,” Ok, where did that come from? “You deserve everything. Do you not see that having these dreams isn’t because you’re a beast or a monster, but it’s because you’re terrified of hurting people? Of hurting me. How can that make you a monster?”
Remus threw what was left of his cigarette out of the window and stared at his friend. He took in the crease between his eyebrows, the dark circles under his eyes, the starting of stubble across his jaw. Even when he was distressed, he was so beautiful.
“Thank you.” He said eventually. “I hadn’t really considered that.” Sirius nodded, “I don’t know that I believe it, but I want to. That’s a start, right?”
“Yeah,” Sirius smiled sadly, “It’s something.”
“Did I wake you up?” Remus didn’t know what time it was.
Sirius frowned, “Yeah, but I don’t mind.”
“I mind!” Remus hissed, “Fuck, I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for! For fuck’s sake, Remus!” He was glad that he’d cast a silencing charm because the volume at which he'd shouted would definitely have woken James and Pete. Remus froze. “Can you just let me take care of you for one night without apologising? Let me love you, you unbelievable prick!”
They were silent for a while. Remus’ mouth had dropped open and he continued to stare, and Sirius had gone back to looking out of the window.
“Pads, I—”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said in a low voice. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“But, would you let me love you?” Remus almost whispered. “Not to be self-deprecating and all that shit again, but do you understand what loving me entails?”
“I’ve loved you for a long fucking time. Of course, I do.” Sirius snapped. “I don’t care about whatever people are going to say. I care about you.”
“Well, I love you… so… there’s that.” Remus’ neck was bright pink, and it caught Sirius by surprise. “I think the nightmares… It was only ever you, never James, Pete or Lily. It’s what would hurt me the most.”
“Well, all the more reason for dreamless sleep then.” Sirius looked at him with a slight smile.
“Would you be mad if I told you I have a bottle in my drawer?”
“I’d be absolutely furious. Now, let’s go back to bed.” He grabbed Remus’ hand and led him back to his bed, grabbing the potion from the drawer before he slid under Remus’ blanket.