“But when you look in his eyes
Do you think of mine?
And when you look at that smile
Do I cross your mind?
I know in your head
You see me instead
‘Cause he looks a lot like I did
Back then
Baby dont lie
He's just a lookalike”
Regulus tried to pretend. But he’d never been that great of an actor. He tried to fool himself, knowing it was helpless.
He couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt. After he and James had broken up, after a tumultuous relationship of 2 years, he had locked himself in his room for days. His friends had practically had to drag him out of bed to go to meals and classes after a week.
And through all of this, somehow someway, James had survived. No. he hadn’t even survived, he had thrived.
He won more quidditch games after they broke up, he seemed lighter, brighter. Regulus often caught himself watching James at meals, gazing at his smile and wondering why he hadn’t been able to be the cause of it. James laughed more now. And he never glanced at the slytherin table,
Well, almost never.
A month after Regulus and James broke up, James had hearts in his eyes again. And he and Barty announced their relationship to the group.
Barty.
Regulus’ best friend of 6 years, his confidant and the one he had cried to the most over the breakup.
Regulus hadn’t handled the news well, screaming and crying and throwing things at Barty. Evan had to restrain him, holding him and telling Barty to leave the dorm.
The weeks following, Regulus slipped into a routine. Avoiding all human interaction entirely, he hardly went to meals- choosing to visit the kitchens in his breaks and late at night.
He kept his grades up, not wanting to face his teachers’ worry. He spent almost all of his time in the library: reading, drawing, sleeping, journaling, anything to keep his mind busy.
Because he was afraid of what he thought when he had the time.
What if Barty was better than him? What if Barty and James had been together even while Regulus and him were? What if Regulus just wasn’t enough? Or even worse, too much?
And, Regulus realized after a while, he actually missed James. He was still so in love with him that he had a hard time being angry sometimes.
If Barty was what made James happy, then why couldn’t he be happy for him?
Maybe Regulus needed to move on, find someone new. He tried to go to parties, but everyone he attended, James and Barty were there. And those two always found a way to be the center of attention.
Evan comforted him, knowing that though he and Barty had broken up a year before, he could somewhat sympathize with Regulus’ feeling of betrayal.
And when Regulus went home for the holidays, he accepted his parents rough teachings, he kept silent and let them think he would join them.
And when he ran away finally, no one had expected it. And no one knew where he went.
Regulus had escaped, he was free to live as he pleased, to think and breathe by himself without the eyes of others, the expectations.
When Regulus was older, laying in his bed alone late at night, he would think back to James and his relationship, wishing it had never ended but also so grateful it had.
“And I'll admit that I
Sometimes, maybe, might
Think about you at night
No matter how I try to hide
And erase you from my mind
I’m dying
To find a lookalike”