In Conversation

In conversation, an excerpt: Draco Malfoy on getting the Dark Mark.

Interviewed by: Luna Lovegood, The Quibbler

5th of June, 2003

Did you mean it?

• I don't even remember doing it.

What do you remember?

• Before. The dark. The dining room. Kneeling.

Then?

• Pain. Worst I’ve ever felt. Worse than a crucio.

How do you know wh-

• Then they left me lying there.

And your mother?

• I reckon she was wondering how the hell we’d gotten here.

Was he angry?

• My father? No. No, he was something else entirely.

He left?

• Yeah. There was a meeting to attend.

Oh. He didn’t make sure you were okay?

• I wasn’t. I’m not.

What was the last thing you remember seeing?

• The chandelier. It looked like it was swaying but I think that was just me.

Do you remember seeing him do it?

• Yeah. Someone was holding my head steady. Why does it matter?

What wand did he use?

• My fathers.

Do you think you saw the wand and panicked?

• Anything would’ve made me panic.

So maybe you didn’t want it. Maybe you were scared.

• And? Scared isn’t an excuse. Neither is insecurity.

Neither of your parents stayed in the room?

• No. They didn’t.

What else?

• What? No I was scared. Maybe angry too. Maybe too scared to be angry in the moment.

You don’t think it’s okay to be angry at them? For what they did?

• It doesn’t matter. The anger changes nothing.

Why does it change nothing?

• I’ve never seen it do anything good.

He was an angry man. Maybe your father was too.

• My father wasn’t angry. He was scared and foolish. But that doesn’t make me good.

Why aren’t you good?

• There’s bad in my blood.

Do you think you’re destined to hurt people?

• I think what I did will always hurt people.

Do you think you hurt people because that’s what your father did?

• Does it count if I didn’t know what I was doing?

Maybe.

• We looked alike. As children. It’s difficult to imagine him as a bad person when we look the same. Something made him what he became. I’m afraid it did the same to me.

What are you?

• Tired. Sorry. Cowardly. Quiet. Like he made my mother.

What does that mean to you?

• Huh- oh, I don’t know.

But how often do you think about it?

• Everyday.

Were you thinking about this then? On that day?

• Probably. I think I thought about everything and nothing in those few moments.

Tell me about that.

• I said that. He used his wand. My fathers. He pointed it right between my eyes. I don’t - well. I was a child again. Like in that moment I was my father and he was me. Like we shared something deeper than resemblance.

It sounds like you started to feel like you were your father.

• No. It was worse than that.

Worse?

• His wand felt like it turned into his reflection standing opposite me. We look so alike. But that reflection wasn’t him, really. It was me. The anger was mine and fear was mine. And the pain was mine too. And. And when it happened. The only reason was me. And I- I-

Please take a moment. Take a deep breath.

• I’m so scared. That I can’t undo this. That I’ll do it again.

Do what again?

• Say yes because someone else told me too. Say yes because I look just like him.

I don’t think your father would want this for you.

• He doesn’t want anything anymore.

I’m sorry for your loss.

• I’m sat right here. He might be dead but I’m still here. So he’s still here too.

So you think you deserve to die too?

• Don’t I?

You were 15. But now you have the choice not to do it again.

• That’s my point.

Elaborate.

• I get to move past it all. I get to live. But all those good people? They had to die?

What’s in front of you?

• What?

Is it more blood supremacy and death?

• What? No. How could you even say that?

I’m not saying that. It’s isn’t happening yet. But you could still choose it.

• I’m tired of making choices.

That’s understandable. But there’s not another one.

• You just told me there was?

Blood supremacy and death?

• No. Never. Not at all.

You’re free now. You can tell the truth.

• I am. I’m telling the truth.

But it is okay because you were 15? Back then?

• I didn’t know what I was believing in. I didn’t know how to separate a story and reality until too late.

What was it all for then?

• I guess to make sure I never have to do it again.

Happy birthday Draco.

• Funny. That’s what he said back then too.