Hidden letters

James’ POV:

Dear Blackbird,

Stop apologizing for late replies, i’ve been pretty stressed myself with finals and hadn’t had time for writing either.

I feel so lonely today, it’s not my usual thing because usually i’m the happy and enthusiastic friend but i can’t help but also notice how the weather is still bad.

Honestly, the only thing that got into my head about your letter is that you missed me, because i did too.

Sometimes i feel like you are the only one who understands or listents. Writing and reading each other feels as much as any routine that i have, not in a bad way, in a way that it’s just, there. I want to keep it there.

I know you are probably tired of me bringing this up but i really want to meet you, i know you said you can’t but i just want you to know that nothing about you could scare me away. I know you, i know how amazing you are and nothing and i mean nothing could change the way i see you.

I know it’s your decision and i won’t pressure you anymore but i just wanted to try again.

I already feel better just from writing you, i’m sorry for being so annoying and said all that stuff that you probably will find embarrassing but i can’t help it.

Love, Stag.

James read the letter one more time and folded it into a cool shape to put it in the envelope as he always does.

He knows he's being too intense but when he starts writing the words flow on their own, he doesn’t want to scare him off with all his emotions and clinginess but it’s not his fault, Blackbird is just the definition of perfect.

He's so sarcastic and so, so smart, sometimes he even helps with James’ homework even though Blackbird is in the year below. He has great taste in everything, in music, books, Quidditch, colors, animals, food, scents. He makes James feel emotions he didn’t know he had. He can be so sweet when he wants to and super protective.

‘That’s not a funny idea of a prank to do, what if you get hurt? it sounds likely to get hurt by doing that, be careful’.

‘You fell out of your broom and you just say it like that? what if something happened? gosh you act like a child sometimes, be more careful’

‘You got detention for three weeks? What did you even do this time? Honestly, I don’t even want to know, i expect anything if it’s you.’

‘Okay don’t make fun of me but, sometimes i dream of you, i know I’ve never seen your face, or know anything about you appearance but it’s almost as if i can just feel it, in the energy or something. Well that’s enough confessions for today, it’s going to get in your head or something’

The last one was from a letter Blackbird sent two weeks ago and James has read it at least a dozen times by now, Blackbird has never said something like that before, his letters usually contain snarky remarks and an attitude, followed by saying something he noticed that day or talking about a book he read, recommending it afterwards. But sometimes he would open up, and he knows Blackbird isn’t really good with emotions but knowing that he trusts him it’s enough for James.

James wishes he could take away all of Blackbird’s problems, he wasn’t very specific when he talked about them but James wishes he could just do more.

James is in love, it’s a fact, he can’t deny it anymore. It probably sounds crazy to say out loud but it’s the truth. He realized a couple months ago, his grandma had just passed away and he didn’t leave his bed for two weeks, Sirius had to force him to eat something at least twice a day. James saw he had four unread letters from Blackbird but couldn’t bring himself to do anything but cry.

When he finally opened them, he realized he fucked up. Blackbird was practically begging for forgiveness in the last two letters, he thought James got bored of him and decided not to answer anymore. He was crazy for having a thought like that, he could never, ever, get bored of him. He’s the first thing he thinks when he wakes up every morning, when he studies, when he feels happy, or angry, or sad.

Even though Blackbird said not to apologize when James explained everything, he couldn’t resist to feel guilty, because if the roles had been reversed, James would’ve personally looked for Blackbird and demand an explanation for his vanishing.

The though of losing him kept him awake at night, he feels his chest getting heavy and his throat sore just from imaging it.

But he knows his feelings aren’t mutual, his romantic feelings. James knows Blackbird loves him, although he has never wrote it before. He loved him as a friend, nothing else. Because, it’s just a crazy idea to fall in love with someone you haven’t met, and he has made it very clear he has no desire to meet him anytime soon.

He gets it, he really does, but James was curious, so curious, it freaks him out that he probably sees him in the hallways every day and has no idea who he is. He knows he’s in sixth year but nothing else, from these two years James has gotten to the conclusion Blackbird is either a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin. He can just tell.

James was graduating in one month, and he could wait forever for Blackbird but he just needed to ask one more time. Besides, he’s already used to James’ pericistene by now.

But having Blackbird as a friend is enough for James, he doesn’t need to meet him to love him. He prefers their letters rather than nothing, Blackbird is a part of him now.

James watched his owl fly away, he had a bad week, and this was the only time he could allow himself to feel it, because when he was with his friends he was the positive friend. He’s the one that comes up with solutions for every problem and tries to see the good side of things.

But lately, that didn’t seem enough, people were grieving, people were dying outside of the castle and James could do nothing, not yet.

It was late at night, almost curfew, when James got back to his dorm

“Hey prongs”. Sirius said, reading a book he had on his hands.

“Hey, are you reading?..”. James said, he walked to his bed and grabbed his pajamas.

“What? Is that too surprising?” Sirius closed it and glared at him.

“No it’s not, it's just that you don’t usually do it”.

“You are right, I'm just bored out of my mind and Moony is not here yet”.

Just at that moment, Remus entered the room.

“Hey”. Remus said.

“What took you so long? Were you able to do it?”. Sirius asked, eyebrows up.

“Do what exactly?”. James asked.

“Remus came up with the genius idea of breaking into Snevillus’ room to get back the book he stole from Remus”. Sirius said with a smile.

“I didn’t know he stole it, I thought you said he was in the library and got it first”. James said.

“Same thing, but anyways, I wasn't able to get it back because I happened to cross paths with your brother”. Remus said, looking at Sirius.

“What?! What did he say?”. Sirius’ brother was a touchy subject and it was best not to bring him up unless necessary.

James doesn’t really know the details of their relationship but he knows Regulus refused to run away with his brother, even though Sirius begged him to.

Now, they don’t have the relationship they used to have, James is certain Sirius and Regulus haven’t talked in months.

“He was being his usual Regulus self”. Remus said, he walked up to Sirius bed and laid down next to him, laying his head on the black haired boy.

“Was he mean to you?” Sirius asked, looking at Remus in the eyes. Sometimes watching them talking normally felt weird, James could sense the tension. Romantic, tension.

“Isn’t he always?”. Remus replied.

“Well, I wasn't going to bring any of this up but, now that i think about it. What, what if my family supports Voldemort?”. Sirius had a concerned expression, Remus held his hand.

“But didn’t you say your family thinks they are too good to follow someone’s orders?”. Remus asked.

“I know but, seeing as apparently some of the Slytherin boys have the dark mark, it wouldn’t surprise me that my parents changed their mind, they don’t want to follow someone’s orders but also want to fit in pureblood society”. Sirius' concerned voice grew by each word he was saying.

“Does your brother believe in that? Blood supremacy i mean”. It was James this time who asked.

“My brother only cares about himself, but i’m not really sure, we were taught to believe in it and there might be a possibility.”

“You should talk to him, ask him what’s going on”. Remus said, both hands in Sirius’ hand.

“I know but, he just feels more distant now, we haven’t talked in a while and he’s drifting more each day. He’s probably going to tell me to fuck off”.

“What if I talked to him?”. James asked, crossing his arms.

Sirius let out a chuckle. “You? What makes you think Regulus would ever say something personal to you? Have you ever talked to him at all?”. Sirius asked.

“Yes i have! I talked to him when you introduced us in the train station back in second year”. James said, sounding offended.

Sirius laughed. “That’s exactly what im talking about, you are a stranger to him Prongs”. Sirius said.

“Right now I can't remember more times I've talked to him but I swear I have, besides, it's not like I'm just going to straight up ask him if his family and he follows Voldemort. He’s always in the Quidditch field and I would happen to be there and have a conversation until I let slip what his position is in blood status.” James tried to convince himself, even though he knew Regulus could be complicated.

“Look, do whatever you want but it’s not going to work, im going to sleep, come here Moony”. Sirius smiled at Remus and hugged him.

Right, and they consider themselves only friends.

Peter entered the room. “Hey guys”. He said

“Hey Pete”. James said. “Where were you?”. James asked, Peter looked out of breath like he had been running.

“Um, just with the Herbology club”. He answered, almost unsure.

“Well, what were you guys talking about?”. Peter asked, looking at them.

“Nothing”. Sirius answered, looking at Peter. “Enough talking, i'm tired”. Sirius said, turning off the light in his nightstand and turning to Remus, who was already looking at him.

“Okay”. Peter said, making his way to his bed.

————————————————-

Regulus’ POV:

Regulus should be given an award for sharing a room with Evan and Barty all these years, it’s almost impossible, they are insufferable.

Barty spends every day all over Evan, whatever Evan wants Barty does. Barty considers himself a “touchy” person, but he doesn’t realize the only person he actually touches is Evan.

Regulus doesn’t think him and Barty have touched more than maybe 3 times in their life. That’s also because Regulus can’t stand physical touch, it makes him uncomfortable and angry, like they are invading his space.

Evan spends all day being possessive over Barty, he doesn’t like him having girl friends because he thinks he’s going to replace him. But what he actually wants is Barty all to himself. Evan loves having attention and Barty will give that to him.

Right now they are playing wrestling in their bed, because they basically share it. Regulus could bet the game is only an excuse to be all over each other again.

Regulus could hear Evan giggling under Barty. “Could you guys stop that”. He said, flicking another page of his book, Dark curses and how to use them.

“Why don’t you join us Reggie”. Barty said, smirk on his face as he looks at him.

“Don’t call me that”. He answered.

“Come on, don’t be grumpy”.

“I’m going to look for Pandora”. Regulus got up and left.

Pandora was usually in the weirdest place, places Regulus doesn’t even know about. That’s why it took around ten to one hour to find her, and it was mostly her finding him.

When he finally found her, she was near the lake, writing something in her notebook.

“Hey”. Regulus sat down next to her, leaving some space between them.

Pandora turned around, smiling at the Gray eyed boy.“Hello Regulus, how are you?”. She asked.

“I’m fine, and you?”. He lied.

She knew he was lying but she wasn’t going to point it out. “I’m doing good, it’s a nice day outside”.

“I suppose”. Regulus brushed a hand over his hair, letting it fall in a middle part.

Pandora turned around to look at him .“I saw your brother earlier”. She said in a calm tone.

“What? Did he say something?”. This was the second time someone mentioned his brother this week, and it was a Tuesday.

“He wanted to know how you were”. That asshole, doesn’t even have the guts to ask Regulus himself.

“What did you say?”. Sharpness in his voice.

“That you were fine”. She answered

“Good”. If Sirius wanted something from him, he should ask him, not ask his friends or make his friends ask him. But Regulus wanted to avoid him, because he doesn’t want to have a good relationship with him knowing the things he’s about to do soon.

Regulus and Pandora headed to lunch, she sat at the Slytherin table next to him, although she’s a Ravenclaw. Dorcas sat on the other side of Regulus, she had a small smile on her face, he could guess her Gryffindor girlfriend did that.

“What are you smiling for, Dorcas?”. Barty asked, with his stupid smirk on his face, he loved getting on peoples’ nerves.

“Shut it Crouch”. She answered, her smiled turned into a frown.

Regulus was the only one who knows about her relationship, it was safer that way.

“Make me”. He said.

“That’s disgusting”. Evan said, looking at Barty, a small frown on his face, trying to hide his jealousy.

Barty turned his head around to look at Evan, still smiling. “Why? Would you like to shut me up instead?”.

Evan's breath stopped. “No”. he said, cheeks slightly red.

“Are you sure?”. Barty had his eyes on Evan’s.

“Leave Evan alone Barty”. Regulus said, he knows the effect Barty had on Evan and doesn’t want him to reveal himself in the Slytherin table.

“Whatever you say Black”. Barty answered, he turned to Evan and kept going with the conversation they were having before.

The mail came after that, Regulus hoped he got an answer from Stag, they usually sent one everyday but when exams season was coming up, it went down to around four per week. Regulus hated that, hated that he didn’t have time to send ten letter per day.

Regulus got two letters, the first one from Stag and the second one from, his mother?
Regulus doesn’t get letters from his family, he has to send one every month to let her know about his marks, but nothing else.

Regulus waited until lunch was done to walk to an empty hallway to read the letters. He decided he was going to start with the bad news, his mom’s letter.

As Regulus figured out, the letter informed him he was to get the dark mark at the beginning of summer, the first week, and was expected to be in his best behavior.

Regulus wondered what the dark mark meant for him. Is he going to have to kill people? torture them? What will that make him?

This is war, of course he’s going to have to, at least he’s glad he won’t do it until his seventh year ends.
He worries about his friends, they are the only people he actually cares about, he will do anything to protect them, including murder.

At least they are on the dark side, Evan and Barty will probably get the dark mark in their seventh year. Evan will be forced to take it and Barty won’t let him do it by himself.

He thinks Pandora’s family won’t side with anyone but he’s not really sure about Dorcas, she’s going to live with her girlfriend and he can bet her family is in the Order.

Regulus doesn’t know how to protect her, he wishes he could do something. But he can’t decide how people risk their lives.

The next letter stared at him, he felt like he was betraying Stag, if he knew the things that he was going to do he’s sure he wouldn’t forget him.

Stag insists Regulus is a good person and has a big heart, but he’s so wrong.

He doesn’t know how to protect him either, he’s his number one priority and Salazar knows what will happen to him when Stag finishes school this year, he could only hope he stays neutral to the war but after years of knowing him, Regulus knows he’s wrong.

Regulus opened the letter and began to read it, his chest heavy at the thought of Stag being upset and it tensed at reading the last part of the letter.

Of course he wanted to meet Regulus, that’s because he has no clue. Regulus is not a liked person outside his house, most of the Slytherin’s aren’t, the other houses think Regulus is mean and cruel, he has heard it all before. They are not wrong, Stag probably thinks the same.

He can’t lie, he’s so curious about him, he knows he’s gorgeous, there’s no doubt. He also knows he carries himself with a big ego and confidence. But he doesn’t want to assume anything, not because he will disappoint him but because he doesn’t want to figure out who he is.

He probably sees him in the hallways, maybe even talked to him before. Regulus cheeks flushed at the thought, no, there’s no way, he doesn’t talk to people that are not his friends.

He wonders how his hands feel with his, are they big and strong? or small and thin? Regulus doesn’t care either way.

Regulus grabbed a piece of paper and his quill and quickly wrote an answer for Stag. After that, he headed to class.

—————————————————-

James POV:

James was nervous, he had received a letter from Blackbird at dinner and it was in his pocket. Now, he was practically running to get to his room and read the letter.

James knew there was no one there now so he had time to read it and process the information.

He closed the door to his room and with shaky hands opened the letter. The paper was small.

Dear Stag,

Not yet, but if you want something..

Well, I have green eyes.

Hope this helps you sleep.

Blackbird.

Relief rushed through his body, happiness came after. The smile James had on lasted him the entire week.