Memories.
Grimmauld, March 15th 1964.
Sirius remembers the day his baby brother first said his name, well part of it he supposes.
"Siri!" Little 4 year old Regulus yelped, giggling and laughing while Sirius chased him around his room. Sirius was grinning as hard as his little 5 year old cheeks would let him. Laughing with out a care in the world, it was their world.
it was only then, when Regulus tripped into their great great great Grandfather's vase that Sirius learned it wasn't their world. Sirius heard her before he saw her, she moved so silently it was hard but Sirius heard her.
He picked Regulus up, tossed him onto his bed, and immediately started cleaning up the glass. Little Sirius has never felt such a strong feeling before, he didn't know what it was.
His heart clenched and he looked up as soon as the door opened, meeting his mothers stormy eyes solidified the feeling in his stomach.
Fear.
Pure fear, he couldn't describe the fear he felt looking into the eyes that mirrored his own. He hated that. Hated it since he could see the similarities. Always. He hated sharing those eyes.
"Who broke it?" She demanded, something about her voice instilled a fear in Sirius that day. It never fully went away as he grew older. "I did." He answered, never giving Regulus a chance to speak. "I was messing around and tripped into it" he added.
That was the first time, the first time he ever understood what it meant to be a Black, to be an older brother, to be responsible.
It was burdening to bear, but he did, all for his brother.
His twin star.
...
Hogwarts dormitory, November 3rd, 1971.
Sirius is laying on James bed, James right next to him. They've both considerably had a lot to drink, everyone has, it was Sirius' birthday after all.
"You know, Padfoot, you talk of the pain like it's all alright," James started softly, Sirius stiffened. "But I know that you feel like a piece of you is dead inside." James finished, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at Sirius. "You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days, it's none of my business but it's just been on my mind." James said, reaching over and grabbing Sirius' hand.
"You can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know, and not invite your family cause they've never shown you love." James said, smiling sincerely. "You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up." James whispered. Sirius stares up at James, drunk and wide eyed.
Then it feels like he's 11 again, meeting those brown eyes for the first time, and instantly falling in love with them again.
Later that night when Sirius was sure James was asleep, Sirius kissed James' forehead and cried into James' pillow silently.
...
Hogwarts, April 6th, 1972.
It was clear to everyone but Regulus how much Sirius cared about his brother. So very clear, so it was easy for everyone except Sirius and Regulus to see that Snape was baiting Sirius.
Snape had found out Regulus was Sirius's weak spot, and Snape thought it'd be fun to hit where it hurts.
"Come on Black! I thought your family was good at magic?" Snape taunted Regulus. James could feel his grip on Sirius beginning to become obsolete, he too, was mad.
"James let go." Sirius muttered. James knew there were time when not even he could stop Sirius, that there were times he knew to listen to Sirius, that there were times that if he didn't get out of the way fast enough, he was in punching range. This was definitely one of those times.
James took his hands off Sirius' arms, Sirius took a few steps towards Snape and swung.It didn't matter that Sirius and Regulus weren't talking right now, Regulus was his brother, and if shit went down, he'd protect him like a brother.
Snape stumbled back, nearly tripping over, Sirius was seething, ignoring the pain in his knuckles. Sirius felt all his bottled up anger reach it's peak, he needed a outlet for it.
Snape snarled and shot a curse at Sirius, Sirius didn't have his wand out so he couldn't deflect it, he didn't know what it did and he didn't care. He stormed towards Snape, immediately throwing another punch, Sirius landing on Snape, mercilessly throwing punches.
Sirius didn't know how long it'd been before he was being dragged off by James. Sirius was breathless and had bloody knuckles, he didn't care. He had so much adrenaline and anger running through him, he didn't care.
That was his brother. No one fucks with his brother.
...
Hogwarts, December 3rd, 1973.
"I think somethings wrong with me, James" Sirius said. They were outside looking up at the stars, James knew Sirius was drunk.
"Christmas is coming up, but I'm not excited." Sirius muttered. James heart broke a little inside, "Nothing's wrong with you, Si." James said, frowning slightly.
Sirius didn't respond after that, he leaned his head on James shoulder. And an hour later, James finally realized Sirius was asleep and carried him in.
...
Sirius' head played hundreds of memories, thousands even. Some played like a nightmare, some were Sirius's happiest memories. Sirius missed his family. Not his blood family, he missed his real family.
...
Hogwarts, February 19th, 1975.
The first time James saw Sirius break down, it was almost horrifying to see his best friend like that. It was the first time James was present for a fight between Regulus and Sirius.
"Fuck you!" Regulus snapped at Sirius, shoving him back. Sirius stumbled back a few steps, James could visibly see the moment something snapped in Sirius.
There were people around, besides Sirius and Regulus, it was only James, Remus, Lily, Marlene, Barty, Evan, and Dorcas. James knew Sirius never broke in front of people.
"Really?! 'Fuck you' is all I get?! I protect and practically raise you for 15 fucking years. You call my friends mudblood, I don't hex you. I try countless times to reconnect with you, you call me a blood-traitor. I wait hours to try and talk to you, and I find out you were letting your fucking friends be assholes to Marlene who I thought you got along with!" Sirius said, nearly shouting.
"I do everything for you! It's always for you! And you turn around and treat me like I'm a nuisance in your life! No, fuck you Regulus, sue me but I missed my brother but clearly you don't miss me!" Sirius said.
Regulus, for the first time looked shocked. He stood there speachless, his friends looked just as speachless. No one has ever seen Sirius like that. Not even James, yet James was the first person to run after him when Sirius left. James knew he'd go up to the dorm, no one was there it was perfect.
He opened the door to seeing Sirius completely break, he was so angry yet he was crying. He was crying and throwing shit around the room, glass broke and there were places in the walls where holes were.
James heart broke for Sirius, and not caring if he got hit he pulled Sirius into his arms. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, not letting him push James away.
They sunk to the floor as Sirius gave in and sobbed into James' arms, gut wrenching sobs racked through them and James had to try not to cry just hearing them.
Regulus and his friends never said the word mudblood after that fight.
...
Sirius wanted his brother, and James, and hell he even wanted Effie right now. It was dark now, no memories played, Sirius was alone.
He hated being alone. Hated it more than anything. He hated it so much, he screamed in his head, he stood and darkness and screamed and thrashed around.
He hated being alone.