Eventually. Simple. Life.
When James opened his front door, he never expected his life to turn upside down like this. He had never screamed for his mom like that before, lifting and carrying his best friends limp body to the couch, blood everywhere, it scared James more then he realized.
Regulus followed James inside as his parents ran down the stairs, he watched his mother and father pale, James was on the verge of tears, but he refused to cry. His best friend needed him. Sirius needed him.
...
Effie and Monty instantly got to work, Monty quickly grabbing his potions kit from upstairs while Effie ran diagnostic spells, quickly shooing the boys upstairs. Effie knew it was bad, but never in all her years has she seen a parent do this to their very own child.
...
Regulus and James sat in James' bedroom for hours, Regulus paced relentlessly around the room. But James couldn't move, he couldn't breath, he couldn't get the image of Sirius so close to death out of his head.
It haunted his every heartbeat, it ran ice cold in his blood, it filled up his lungs, it made him nauseous. It was like his worst nightmare, his deepest, darkest, cruelest fear had come to life. And he was at fault for it.
He was brought out of his thoughts by his bedroom door opening, he looked up to see his mother, she looked so tired, James could see the tear tracks on her face and his heart almost stopped.
He got up, he was in front of her in seconds, he needed to know, he needed to know if his other half was going to be okay. James knew he couldn't live without Sirius, he'd never be able to, how do you live without someone you love? You can't, it's thatsimple.
"Mom, is he going to be okay?" James rasped out, his voice scratchy from crying earlier. Effie frowned slightly at the indication James had been crying. "He'll be alright, eventually." She said, sounding happy yet very tired.
"Eventually? What do you mean eventually?" Regulus snapped, quicker then James could. James finally looked over at Regulus for the first time since they arrived, he was so focused on Sirius he hadn't noticed Regulus had been crying. Something James had never even seen Regulus do. He'd wrote to Remus already, he should be here soon, if anyone could cheer Regulus up right now it was him.
"I mean, he has suffered a lot of injuries physically, and I cannot exactly heal one inflicted by dark magic. I don't have the resources, so he'll have to take some time to heal on his own, which means he will probably be quite tired for a few days. And for mentally...me and Monty think he will most likely have PTSD, it's going to be a struggle for quite a while, for both him and us, but we just need to be supportive and patient with him." Effie explained attentively careful.
PTSD. Sirius would have PTSD because of what he endured at that house, it really was James fault. James stood there, frozen in spot, unable to move or breathe. It was like he was underwater, he couldn't hear a thing, his vision went blurry, he couldn't think.
Next thing he knows, Regulus is slapping him back into reality. James blinks once, then twice, then he puts his hand up to his cheek and looking at Regulus in surprise.
Then James' eyes are softening as he watched tears stream down Regulus' face. "Reg i-" He starts, it's futile though, Regulus doesn't let him get a word in. "Shut up! You don't get to call me that! This is your fault! You and your stupid friends! You did this to him! You are terrible! I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you-" He rambles, jabbing his finger into James chest so hard James thinks he might break skin but he endures it because he deserves it, the door is opening again and someone is pulling Regulus away and into their arms. James looks up to see Remus soothing Regulus, he looks tired and like he'd been crying to. James wants to cry himself, it was his fault, if was always going to be his fault, he is going to regret this for the rest of his life, it was simple, he didn't deserve Sirius.
And that thought hurts, it hurts because it's true. Regulus was right, Sirius didn't know how to be selfish, he didn't have a single selfish bone in his body, he was so caring and thoughtful, he was funny and charming, and downright gorgeous. Sirius was James other half, Sirius made James whole, and for far to long he's been empty, so sue him but if Sirius couldn't be selfish James would be for him.
"Your right." James said, causing Regulus and Remus to look at him. "Your right, it is my fault, I'm the reason you both went back to that place. It was terrible of me, and I'll always regret it. But I love Sirius, and I'm always going to love Sirius. And you were right before, Sirius doesn't have a single selfish bone in his body, he just doesn't, I can't think of a single time he's ever done something for himself. But if he can't be selfish, I will for him. So I will care for him, and I will make sure he get better, and I'm going to because he's my best friend and I'm in love with him and he deserves people to care about him." James said so matter of factly Regulus and Remus didn't know what to say.
He promptly exited his room and went straight down the hallway, down to Sirius room, where he was most likely staying. He opens the door, steps inside, closes it behind him, and just stares at his best friend lying on his bed that was made for him.
He eventually summoned a chair, placed it right next to Sirius' bed, and sat down. He didn't move or look away from Sirius' for ages no matter how tired he was till the door opened. Even then he didn't look up, he didn't have it in him to make himself look away. He looked up when a hand was placed on his shoulder, his mother stood there, she looked so tired and James felt guilty for waking her.
"James, honey, you need to sleep" She said gently, James knew she was right of course, but he wasn't ready to leave Sirius side. "Not yet" He responds quietly, he just wasn't ready. Effie smiled sadly, a knowing look in her eyes, she always knew, James had suspected she was using a spell when he was younger to figure him out, now that he was older he now knew it just came with being a mother to know.
"I think you should tell him how you feel" She says, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. James thinks he should to, he just doesn't know if he's ready for it or not. He wants to be ready, but fear and insecurities have a tight grip on him. It's just not that simple.
"I will eventually" He says quietly, looking down at Sirius again, he would never look away if he didn't have to. Effie didn't say anything after that, she leaned down and kissed his head before leaving to go back to bed. He said the normal 'I love you's and 'sleep well's but he didn't look up from Sirius. It was like if he looked away again, Sirius would disappear, and James would be left alone.
He knew he wouldn't be fully alone, he had other friends, but life without Sirius is a life not worth living. Life without Sirius is a life dull and gray, and Sirius is the color in James life. Life without Sirius makes James feel like a fish in a dessert. It wasn't possible to have a life without Sirius to James. That's just how it is, it's simple.