Fucked up and pray for the best. Prayers fall on deaf ears
Summer is here, Sirius is slowly losing himself. He dissociates on the train ride home, he doesn't remember much, just the impending fear of the next 2 months. Sirius has to go back to Grimmauld, just this time and then he's going back to the Potters where he's been staying since Remus and Jamss found out.
Regulus sits in the cabin with them this time though, so maybe not exactly the same. They invite him to sit with them again when summers over and he agrees, Sirius didn't pay much attention.
...
Remus was worried, Regulus was worried, James was worried, Peter was worried. They were all pretty fucking worried.
What the fuck did Sirius do, he was limping like crazy, he wouldn't lean back against anything, he was constantly tired and sleeping. Merlin Sirius what the fuck.
That was all their thoughts right now.
James confronted Sirius about it 2 weeks later when it didn't get better.
...
"Sirius." James said siriusly(sorry). It made Sirius tense, dear lord what did he do now? He was standing in the bathroom in boxers, trying to put some pain salve on his injuries. He prayed James didn't come in, prayers often fall on deaf ears with the Black brothers.
James opened the door, Sirius panicked and tried the close the door, James would not let that happen and forced his way in. And now they've ended up with Sirius sitting on the toilet as James appiled the salve to his injuries in silence.
Silence from James scared Sirius, James was never quiet, Sirius loved that James was never quiet, it meant he didn't have to listen to hsi own head.
"It was your mother wasn't it?" Was the first thing James muttered and Sirius felt panic, Sirius did a lot of panicking lately. "I- uhm no-" Sirius started, "Do not lie to me, i already know she's done it before there is no point in lying." James said so firmly it cut Sirius off.
James seemed mad, and for some reason, that scared Sirius more. Sirius hated it when his friends were mad at him, loathed it even.
"Yes" Sirius said quietly, looking away ashamed. James now had seen every scar on his body, and new ones to come, Sirius hoped he wouldn't find him ugly.
When James finishs with the salve he pulled Sirius into a hug, carefully because of his injuries, but a tight hug.
"Somone who loves you wouldn't do this" James whispered, and it made Sirius' heart hurt. Everything hurts lately.
"Your not going back. Regulus isn't either. You both are staying at my house this summer, permanently." James said so firmly Sirius wasn't sure is was James talking. "Prongs no- i can't do that- Regulus can go sure but i-i need to stay so he can get out-" Sirius said.
"There is no buts Sirius. Your both coming, you both will get out of that place, you aren't staying in that house." James said, looking up at Sirius with a stern expression. But Sirius knew James to well, he could see the desperation and worry. He enver wanted to worry him, or cause him problems.
"Okay" Sirius said finally, it was quiet, but it made James smile sadly, at least he was smiling again, that's what mattered to Sirius.
...
Next summer Sirius and Regulus were both on their way to a safer home, that's all Sirius has ever wanted. Well, not all he's ever wanted.
It was a good summer, a great summer, the best summer ever, because he was with his found family, his real family.
Of course their birth parents didn't like it, they sent letters, after the first one that Sirius didn't let Regulus read, he kept them a secret. It still hurt the wounds were still oozing and open, but they were healing.
Sirius saw that Regulus was happier, he was getting better and safe, it brought tears to Sirius' eyes whenever he thought about it, which was constantly. During the first week at the Potters, Regulus had a total of 2 panic attacks, usually after a bad nightmare but he got better after that.
Sirius didn't. He had nightmares and panic attacks every night, he was terrified his birth family would find him and Regulus and hurt everyone he loves, and Sirius would gladly stand in front of them and take all of it because them being safe means Sirius had a reason to live.
James calmed him down from the first one, and then after the first night Sirius slept on the floor of James bedroom. Because being in the same room as James calmed him, it didn't stop the nightmares but the panic attacks were less frequent.
One night, both of them were up pretty late since it was summer. Sirius was thinking, thinking a lot, thinking too much. Thinking he was just burdening the Potters, especially James, James often woke up and comforted Sirius, almost every single night, and never once complained.
It must have been obvious because Jame spoke up, "Padfoot, stop thinking so hard" he said with a chuckle, but Sirius knew he was tired. He knew James and he knew James out everyone else before himself because that was James.
"I'm just thinking about how awesome i am" He said, a cocky smile on his face, fooling no one. James smiled sadly and pulled Sirius from the floor and onto the bed with him, putting an arm around his shoulder. "It's okay padfoot, you don't have to be okay because of whatever your thoughts are saying." James said, and Sirius wished he could cry, but all his tears were dried up.
"prongs, aren't i burdening you? You move 2 people into your house and one of them is a big baby that can't go one night without a nightmare you have to take care of because he won't sleep unless he's literally sleeping on your floor. Your exhausted, it's obvious, you don't have to do all this." Sirius said, not able to meet James gaze.
James was quiet for so long Sirius thought he'd either fallen asleep or was mad(it had been a minute and a half.). "Padfoot, you could never burden me. I care about you so much, and i am more than glad that you sleep in my room with me, it's like a sleepover. I get the nightmares, well maybe not completely, but i understand why you have them. I take care of you because i want to and i care about you. Your not a big baby just because you have trauma, it's hard to heal from the past, it's only been a month, your not expected to get better right away. You take as much time to heal as you need, because you deserve every ounce of love and care i'm willing to give you, and i'll always care for you even if i'm tired. Your my best friend, your like my brother, family isn't decided by blood padfoot." James said, staring at Sirius so sincerely it brought tears to his eyes.
They hugged, and they never pulled apart, they laid there hugging, Sirius could hear James breath even out, indicating he was asleep. Yet Sirius couldn't pull himself to move away from where his head was buried in James chest, the most comforting place in the world to Sirius was in James' arms.
Sirius couldn't help but think about James words, 'You deserve ever ounce of love and care i'm willing to give you'. It may have been a slip of tongue, but James didn't say 'my family is willing to give you', no he said every ounce he was willing to give. It gave Sirius hope, maybe it was false, but maybe it wasn't.