Something
Remus jolted awake, sitting upright in her bed, her head pounding. It took her a while to understand that she was in her new room, and not at the home- usually, if she woke up sweating and fully clothed atop the sheets it was on a hot summer night, after locking herself away from the insolent children. The feeling of warm droplets of sweat on Remus’ skin made her want to rip her hair out, it felt suffocating. Choosing a towel from her wardrobe, she walked to the shared bathroom, and begrudgingly undressed there before stepping into the shower. Remus turned the water onto the coolest setting, savouring the feeling of the cool, delicious water against her burning skin.
The sun began to bleed into the sky, turning it into a brilliant amber whilst she was in the shower. Eventually, the girl stepped out of the shower, and wrapped herself in a full body towel she had brought with her, and prayed hard that the corridor was empty.
“Please be empty. Please be empty. Please be empty.” she repeated over and over again until the words blended into an incomprehensible sound.
Thankfully, it was. Remus sprinted to her room (half terrified, but also chuckling at how ridiculous she must look, sprinting down a corridor in nothing but flipflops and a towel), and got dressed in her room. The sky was now golden and the sun was low, meaning Remus could look at the star without it burning her eyes. However, this wasn’t applicable to the dark-haired star which burned her eyes.
Though Remus had made a conscious effort to reduce her smoking habit ever since she read in an old newspaper that smoking shortened one’s life, she hadn’t been able to stop entirely. She was down to two cigarettes a day, three if her mind was particularly loud that day- the smoke brought a balance to her racing thoughts. When the skies were as magnificent as they were that night, smoking allowed Remus to see them with total clarity, as she wasn’t clouded by guilt or regret (for what exactly, she wasn’t sure).
Fishing the already opened pack of Marlboros and her lighter out of her jeans pocket which lay on the floor, she left her accommodation and walked to the lawns which furnished the grounds. Finding a bench which faced the dazzling sunset, Remus took a cigarette out of the box and lit it. She placed the cigarette in between her lips and inhaled, only to be startled with Sirius standing before her.
“Jesus Christ, you scared me!” Remus exclaimed, obviously annoyed that Sirius had caught her off guard like this.
“Actually, my name is Sirius. But you can call Jesus too, if you think it suits me better.”
Was Sirius intentionally trying to make her go red and stutter? It seemed Sirius took joy in seeing Remus flustered.
“Do you need my lighter again?” Remus asked, trying to change subject. Was she supposed to say again? What if Sirius forgot that she met Remus earlier that day? Remus would seem like some sort of obsessed freak; she was sure of it.
“Oh, no thank you, I picked one up after arriving. Thanks for that earlier though.” she said earnestly, looking directly at Remus. “What do you study? You look like you’d study classics, or something arbitrary of the sort.”
Remus giggled, pleased that she appeared like the sort of person who would study classics, though the truth was she didn’t know much about the subject outside of that one Greek mythology book she picked up as a child.
“Unfortunately not,” Remus replied. “I'm doing a joint honour, English with linguistics.”
Remus struggled to look at Sirius when replying to her- partially because the girl was breathtaking, but also because she couldn’t maintain eye contact with anyone in an average conversation.
“I’m studying linguistics too! Well, it’s combined with French, but I’ll be in half of your classes.”
Sirius seemed happy about this, but all Remus could think of was how much harder it would be to focus in lectures when she would be staring at the back of Sirius’ head all day.
She tried to think of something to say in French, but she didn’t know much.
“Voulez vous coucher avec moi?” Remus asked, trying to seem confident in what she was saying. She had heard the lads in the home say this and burst into hysterical giggles, so she was hoping it would be mildly amusing to Sirius.
“What?” Sirius asked with a curious smile, that showed off her dimples.
“Nothing”, Remus replied. Why on earth would she repeat anything those boys at the home had to say?
Sirius began to explain what her course consisted of, what she’d studied at A level, where she’d come from. Both of her parents were French, but they’d moved to Mayfair when she was young. She spoke about her parents like they brought a sour taste in her mouth.
“I have a little- well, not so little brother called Regulus. He’s two years younger than me, but he’s already outgrown me. You saw me with him at the service station.”
Remus’ heart felt considerably lighter at hearing this. He wasn’t her boyfriend. The slight contempt Remus felt towards Sirius vanished, and she seemed a little softer than she did before.
“I thought he was your boyfriend when I saw him. I was surprised, you don’t look like the type to tie yourself to a man. You seem much too free,” Remus said, selecting her words with great precision so as not to reveal the disappointment she felt when she thought Sirius had a boyfriend.
“Oh heavens, no. I’m sworn off boys. I never did find them remotely interesting to speak to anyways. Girls seem far more empathetic and enticing to me.”
They were both facing forwards, occasionally turning to look each other, but the distance between them felt electric, and charged with potential. Remus knew why she wasn’t looking at Sirius, but why couldn’t Sirius bare to look at her?
Remus had never heard someone so openly speak about their sexuality. Was Sirius not scared that someone would hear her? What if they told her parents? Was she not scared of what people would think? Was she not scared of what Remus would think? But all Remus thought was that Sirius was the bravest girl she knew, and she admired her even more than she already did for that.
“You’re...queer?” Remus asked carefully, though she sounded interested, not repulsed.
“It’s ok, Remus. You can say the word. It won’t bite you. I’m a lesbian.”
“I am too.” Remus’ eyes widened as the words slipped from her own mouth. She’d always admired girls and women, though she was never in such close proximity to a woman who wouldn’t call her a slur for her interest. It was as Sirius had worded it. Women were more enticing, the way women looked at each other was exhilarating, and sent a wave of desire through Remus. But she had never admitted it out loud, that she, Remus Lupin, was a lesbian. The most she had ever admitted was that she didn’t like men, and that was to a hormonal teenage boy who refused to leave her alone until she gave a good enough reason.
“Sorry,” Remus said. “I’ve never admitted that, not even to myself out loud. I’m not even sure why I told you” she lied.
Remus knew exactly why she had told Sirius. Sirius’ gentle smile (which seemed to be less sharp each time Remus saw it) made her feel more trust and at ease than anyone ever had, even matron.
“I’m glad to be the first.” Sirius flashed a crooked grin that made Remus’ heart ache and race. “I had my suspicions. When I saw you leaning against the wall at that parking lot, focused so intensely on your cigarette, that you and I were the same. I can’t explain it, but it's like a sixth sense. Either it was that or your Doc Martens” she giggled.
Sirius’ voice, which had first seemed so throaty and hoarse to Remus, became sweeter as the evening went on.
The last of the sun hid behind the church tower, and the sky was now navy. The air became cooler, and whilst Remus enjoyed the sensation, Sirius seemed visibly uncomfortable in the cold.
“We should probably get going.” Remus said, not wanting to mention to Sirius that she had observed how cold she seemed.
They both stood up, and walked in silence with the only sound being the autumn leaves crunching beneath their feet.
When they entered the corridor, Remus parted ways with Sirius and expected her to go to her room, but Sirius, after saying goodbye to Remus, knocked and entered June’s room. Was she dating June? June seemed to know her awfully well, she could make Sirius understand her just by nudging her with an arm, or giving her a stern look.
In attempt to put these thoughts to rest, Remus slipped on a pair of shorts and a brown jumper, switched out her Aftermath record for her Abbey Road record, and laid flat on her back in the dark room.
Something had always had a nice melody to it, but it was only after she spoke to Sirius that she felt the song call to something much deeper within her. Maybe it was Sirius, maybe she was just tired.
♫ Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover ♫