Am I high?
Frank woke with a start, bolting upright from the floor, wide-eyed and panicked at the sound of a baby’s cries. “Is it time?” he yelled, frantic, his mind clearly stuck on the fact that his wife, Alice, was due to give birth any day now.
“No, shut up,” Marlene groaned from across the room, her head pounding from the night before. She squinted, pulling a pillow over her face. “Whose fucking baby is that?” she muttered.
Everyone was waking up, confused and disoriented. The room was a mess of half-empty bottles, scattered blankets, and the aftermath of an intense game night, but the sound of a crying baby cut through it all. Right between Regulus and James, who had fallen asleep a few feet away from each other, lay the source of the commotion: a baby with thick, wild hair, murky green eyes, and tan skin a few shades lighter than James. The baby wailed, arms flailing, and James sat up in shock, blinking at the sight as if it were a hallucination.
Regulus stared at the baby, his face blank with confusion, like he was seeing something from a dream—or maybe a vision you'd get when you were high. Everyone else quickly joined in on the chaos.
“Whose kid is that?!” James spluttered, his voice raising in pitch as he scrambled backward.
“Who the hell kidnapped a baby?” Marlene snapped, sitting up and rubbing her temples, still half-asleep but already irritated.
Sirius, in his typical over-the-top fashion, immediately pointed fingers at the girls. “Alright, which one of you gave birth last night without telling us?”
Remus shot Sirius a look, voice full of disbelief. “Why would they be hiding a baby, Sirius?”
Sirius threw his hands up. “I don’t know! But clearly, one of you did something.”
Frank, still looking dazed, shook his head. “Someone should probably pick it up before it cries any louder…”
James, the first to shake off the shock, raised his hand. “I’ve got it. I love kids,” he said, albeit with a hangover-induced wince. He gently picked up the baby, cradling it in his arms, and to everyone's surprise, the baby immediately quieted, curling into James’s touch as though it belonged there.
“What the actual—” Remus began, utterly bewildered. The room fell silent for a moment as everyone stared at James holding the baby, the situation growing more surreal by the second.
Then Mary snorted, pointing. “You know… the kid kind of looks like a mix between James and Regulus.” She said it half as a joke, but the second the words left her mouth, everyone froze.
Regulus’s head snapped up, his expression one of complete horror. “What?”
The panic in the room reignited. James gawked at the baby, then at Regulus, before blurting out, “Regulus, did you… did you impregnate me?”
“WHAT?! I CAN’T! YOU’RE A GUY!” Regulus fired back, looking just as freaked out as James.
Before the argument could go any further, the baby let out a cry, its tiny arms stretching out toward Regulus. James, as if possessed by some paternal instinct, looked at Regulus seriously and said, “I think he wants you to hold him.”
“No—no, I don’t—” Regulus stammered, backing away as if the baby were some ticking time bomb.
“C’mon, Reg. Just… try,” James insisted, gently guiding Regulus closer. With hesitant hands, Regulus took the baby, James helping him position the child awkwardly in his arms. Immediately, the baby calmed down again, nuzzling into Regulus’s chest.
Everyone stared at the scene, baffled, while Regulus stood there, completely frozen, holding a baby that was apparently very attached to him.
“We need an adult,” Remus muttered under his breath.
"We are adults!" states Sirius
Lily, ever practical, jumped up. “We need to call the police! This is someone’s child!”
“No,” Mary cut in, shaking her head. “We need to call Dumbledore.”
Sirius looked at her like she was insane. “Why would we call Dumbledore? This isn’t some magical baby problem—it’s probably just a regular kidnapped baby.”
But Mary was already dialing, and when the line connected, she began explaining the bizarre situation to a very confused Dumbledore, who, for some reason, had recently acquired a mobile phone. After several minutes of Dumbledore struggling to use the device, he finally managed to confirm that he’d be at James’ flat in three hours.
As soon as the call ended, Regulus groaned. “We really didn’t need to involve him.”
James shrugged, swaddling the baby in one of his oversized shirts to keep it warm. “I trust Dumbledore. He’ll figure this out.”
One by one, people began trickling out to head home, most of them too hungover to stay and deal with the mysterious baby. Frank left first, mumbling something about needing to check on Alice. Peter had work and bailed quickly after. Marlene and Dorcas, with matching headaches, followed soon after, leaving just James, Regulus, Sirius, Remus, Lily, and Mary sitting around the living room.
Regulus found himself sitting on the couch with James, watching the baby, who was now cooing quietly in James’ lap. “You’re really good with him,” Regulus remarked, somewhat begrudgingly.
James chuckled, though he still looked like his head was pounding. “Yeah, it hurts like hell with my hangover, but I love kids. Worth the pain.”
The baby began to fuss a little whenever either James or Regulus moved too far away, so they ended up sitting there side by side, taking turns holding him while the others sat nearby, content to just be around the strangely adorable kid.
“I can’t believe we called Dumbledore,” Sirius muttered from the other side of the room, shaking his head in disbelief.
Lily shrugged. “Hey, it’s a baby who magically. Who else are we supposed to call?”
"I dont know! our parents?"
"Our parents are dead Sirius" points out Regulus "Mine are muggles" Reminds Lily "My dad wouldn't be helpful" states Remus
"I mean...mine would have just told us to call the police- but isn't Dumbledore similar?"
As the hours dragged on and the baby’s mysterious origins remained unsolved, they all hunkered down, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive and give them some much-needed answers.
Dumbledore arrived at James’ flat with a cheerful grin, practically bouncing as he entered. “Ah, what a marvelous little invention!” he said, brandishing his mobile phone proudly. “Thank you, Lily, for teaching me how to use this. Does anyone else need my number? Perhaps we can form a group to play Candy Crush together?”
“Er… maybe later, Professor,” Lily replied, forcing a smile, knowing full well this wasn’t the time for mobile game suggestions.
“Right,” Dumbledore said, clapping his hands. “Now, I understand you have a baby that mysteriously appeared in James’ flat?”
Everyone immediately began talking over each other, trying to explain the bizarre situation. Eventually, Dumbledore raised a hand to silence the chaos.
“Well, let’s see what we can do, shall we? I can cast a paternity spell,” he explained. “It’s a rather old one, usually used for medical purposes, but in this case, it should create a glowing trail to the parents. Then, you can follow it to return the child.”
He pulled out his wand, and with a few intricate movements, cast the spell. A glowing light shot out from the baby, creating two faint trails that led directly toward… James and Regulus.
Everyone fell into stunned silence, their eyes widening. Dumbledore arched an eyebrow, curious. “How interesting…”
Regulus blinked, his face pale. “Wait. We’re the parents?”
“I’m an uncle?!” Sirius shouted, pumping a fist in the air.
Lily and Mary both stared in shock, sputtering. “What the—how?” Lily managed to ask.
“I’m high,” Remus muttered under his breath, staring at the scene before him.
James and Regulus exchanged horrified looks. “How does this even happen?” Regulus asked weakly.
Dumbledore, ever calm, said, “Well, with your permission, I’d like to cast a few more diagnostic spells on the child, just to be sure of what we’re dealing with here.”
James, who had been cradling the baby protectively, hesitated for a moment, looking torn. “Is it safe?”
“Oh, quite,” Dumbledore assured him. “It’s uncommon magic, but nothing harmful.”
With a reluctant nod from both James and Regulus, Dumbledore cast the spells, his wand moving gracefully through the air as small sparks of light surrounded the baby. After a few moments of silence, Dumbledore lowered his wand.
“Well,” he said, “this is indeed quite old magic. It seems to be tied to the rings you’re both wearing. Pureblood love rings, if I’m not mistaken. They’re rare—designed to bond couples and help with certain... child-related challenges.”
James turned to Regulus, eyes wide. “You did impregnate me!”
Regulus slapped his forehead. “I did not!”
Sirius, however, was thrilled. “I’m an uncle!” he repeated, grabbing the baby from Dumbledore’s arms and pretending to fly him around the room like a tiny airplane. “Weeeeee!”
“Careful!” James shouted, chasing after Sirius in a panic, arms outstretched. “He’s delicate, Sirius!”
Dumbledore watched the chaos unfold with a twinkle of amusement in his eye. After Sirius finally handed the baby back to James, Dumbledore turned to them and said, “What you do with the child is entirely up to you. However, I can confirm that this baby is indeed your blood child though made through acts of ancient magic. You can keep him and register him with the Ministry—or, if you prefer, you could put him up for adoption.”
James gasped in horror, clutching the baby tighter to his chest. “No one’s taking my baby!” he said fiercely. “I’ll raise him on my own if I have to.”
Regulus, who had been silently watching, suddenly turned to James, his expression unusually vulnerable. “Oh… you don’t want me to raise him with you?”
The room fell into a sudden, awkward silence. Everyone stared at the two boys, wide-eyed, as the tension in the room shifted.
James, realizing how that must have sounded, fumbled his words, clearly flustered. “No! I didn’t mean—I just wasn’t sure if you wanted—”
Sensing the need for privacy, Dumbledore cleared his throat and smiled warmly. “Perhaps we should give the two of you some time.”
Everyone else nodded, quickly muttering their excuses as they shuffled toward the door, leaving James and Regulus alone with the baby. The door clicked shut behind them, and the flat fell into a quiet, charged silence.
James, holding the baby gently in his arms, looked over at Regulus, his voice softer now. “Do you… want to raise him with me?”
Regulus looked at the baby, then back at James. His expression softened.