The cluttered study room was their sanctuary within Grimmauld Place. The one room their Mother left them alone, under the pretense that they were in there furthering their studies. The selves were filled with more knowledge that they’d need in any lifetime, and filled with darker magic than they’d ever seen. There was a single lamp in the middle of the back wall, casting light on their desks and not much else. There was a window, it was small but it was enough that they could stand side by side and look out to the street below. To be able to watch the other children of the neighborhood play and have fun in ways they will never experience.
Sirius sat at his desk, sorting through the many piles of books scattered across his desk. He had fought with their Mother at breakfast and had been in the room ever since. He didn't seem to be organizing the books more so shifting them into certain piles then back again. Regulus knew better than to interrupt him when he got like this. Here he was able to escape from the pressure and expectations that loomed just outside the door.
Regulus was silent as he entered the room, fingertips tapping nervously on his upper arm. He was frustrated with his older brother, upset with the way he’d start a shitstorm within the family then leave, leaving Regulus trapped in the remnants. Regulus felt a familiar knot tighten in his stomach as he watches Sirius, the boy who seemed to know exactly who he was- while Regulus was left floundering in the darkness.
Sure biologically they were family, with dark hair, sharp facial features. The blood running through their veins was a little too similar for their liking but that's where the similarities ended. Where Sirius was confident in who he was, defiant against their family’s expectations. Regulus was trapped by them, consistently being told he will always be second to his brother, no matter how well he did. Regulus struggled to find himself, beyond being the boy who was lesser than his brother.
The room was filled with an uneasy silence, both brothers knowing that the other was in the room but neither of them acknowledging it. He could feel the weight of their repressed emotions hanging in the air, pressing against his chest like a physical presence. He had come to the room seeking solace, yet the familiar routine of Sirius’ indifference only fueled his anger.
He shifted on his feet, trying to gather the courage to voice what had been building inside him for weeks. The urge to confront his brother was a fire in his veins, but the fear of rejection loomed larger. The last thing he wanted to do was shatter the fragile space they had created, where their mothers expectations could not reach them.
But the silence stretched on, discomfort pricked at the tips of Regulus’ ears. He knew he couldn’t hold back any longer. “Can you just stop, please?”
Sirius didn’t look up from his desk, “With what?” His tone was bored.
“Patronizing me.’ Regulus’ voice was sharp, cutting through the stillness of the room, the discomfort had moved down his body, prickling the skin on his arms. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth, lingering long after he spoke.
Now Sirius looked at him, “Hey.”
His heart was racing, fist clenched tightly at his side. “Oh Regulus, it’s amazing how you follow along the path that our parents set for us. Look at you being the good little spare.” He spat the last word out. The argument from earlier still ringing in his mind. Sirius’ anger never had any sort of direction, lashing out at everyone until the world was ablaze with him at the center. He hated being held to those expectations especially by the same person who fights so hard against them.
“Regulus, it’s not like that, I thought you wanted to-”
He doesn’t let his brother finish. “You’ve never asked. No one has, everyone is so busy focusing on you that they don’t see that I’m trying to be something more than your brother.”
Sirius' breath is sharp, he pushes roughly against his desk so that he can leave his chair. He turns to face Regulus, who pushes off the wall standing tall. Just once he wants to be equal to the man he’s been compared to his entire life. “You don’t get to tell me how I should feel! Not about my shame, not when it’s happening to me. Not when I’ve come to you countless times, telling you how frustrated I am when Mother belittles me. Not when you’ve seen the aftermath of me being shamed by a Professor in class.” Regulus’ cheeks flush hot, the embarrassment and anger clashing under his skin, leaving marks in their wake. Across the room, he can see Sirius’ skin flushed the same color, just another way they are so similar.
“This is my frustration, mine. You don’t get to tell me how to feel it- how to wear it. Not when you choose to bury yours down and pretend like it doesn’t exist.” Regulus swallows hard, fighting against the sob that threatens to escape, his throat tightening briefly until he reminds himself to breathe.
Sirius stands frozen beside his desk, his hands tremblings, the skin on his face flushed a bright red- a clear sign of his agitation. He is watching Regulus with wide eyes, like he is a threat sent to hurt him. His concern is written plain on his face, much the way Regulus can feel the frustration written on his own, yet his brother doesn’t attempt to bridge the space between them. Regulus is too lost in his own turmoil to notice how Sirius is struggling to find the right words.
“And I know you have your own demons too. Believe me, I’ve seen them. But not once have I ever turned yours against you. Not once have I ever been anywhere but exactly by your side, fighting them with you, then holding you when it’s all over. Not once have I-”
But Regulus can’t finish. A choked sob breaks free, raw and unrestrained, tearing through the carefully constructed walls he has built around his emotions. He takes a step towards his brother, then another, before he’s crumpling to the floor. Sirius is there in an instant, pulling him tight against his chest.
At first, Regulus wants to fight him, he tries, pushing and struggling against his brother. But the fight within him has already left, leaving him feeling raw and exposed. He sinks into Sirius’ embrace, sobbing against his shoulder, pouring out the pent-up pain and frustration he has been holding back for far too long. His tears feel endless, but each one carries away a fraction of the weight he had been carrying.
He can feel the warmth of his brother’s body, the steady beat of his heart. It brings a strange comfort to him, amidst the chaos currently in his mind. It’s like finding a comfort toy you had for all your childhood, long after you’ve grown up. You no longer have a use for it, but the comfort and safety it once brought you cannot be forgotten.Every part of Regulus wants to push away the vulnerability, to fold it back up and tuck it back into his chest where it could only hurt him in the private darkness of his room. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not when Sirius was there, holding him tight in the way he was so desperately craving.
Long after the sky outside had turned dark, the familiar call of their Mother echoed through the house, summoning them to dinner, but neither of them acknowledged it. They knew they wouldn't be missed, not after this morning's argument. It was an unspoken truth of their family; she’d not miss them, even when they’re dead. So they remained in their own little bubble, where Regulus delt he had carved out a piece of himself, laying it bare on the floo, trusting Sirius to take care of it.
“Regulus,” Sirius whispered, his voice low and soothing, like a balm on Regulus’ raw emotions.
Regulus shifted slightly, his head still resting against his brother’s shoulder. “What?”
“I didn’t know,” Sirius said softly, his fingers gently threading through Regulus’ hair. The pause when the tug on a knot, but Sirius simply untangles it and continues on. “I didn’t realize how much you were holding back. I thought I was helping you.” Sirius looks devastated, like he is only just realizing how much pain he has caused.
“You were,” Regulus admitted, his voice just as soft as Sirius’. “But you have to understand, I need you to see me. Not just as the younger brother who does what he’s told, or the spare. I’m more than that and I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.”
Sirius nods slowly, processing his words, for once he is taking the time to consider what he says, making sure that his words are full of love, not anger. “I’m sorry, I’ve been wrapped up in my own struggles and didn’t see what you were going through. I’ll do better- I’ll be better, I promise.”
“I don’t want you to change who you are, you are fine as you are. I just want to be able to exist in the same space as you without suffocating. I want us to be able to support each other in the way brothers should want to. I want us to be equal, not competing with each other at every turn.”
Sirius smiles, a small but genuine curve of his lips that makes Regulus’ heart swell. “We can be, we will be.”
For the first time in a long while, Regulus felt that he could breathe again, the air filling his lungs in a way that it hasn’t done in a long time. He never realized just how hard it had been for him to breathe until now.
Eventually they’ll have to talk, they’ll have to address their issues, both with each other and separately but for the moment, this is enough. To be able to exist, exactly as they are, to be seen exactly as they are, to be able to lay themselves bare on the floor and expose all of their rotting pieces and still be loved. To have the comfort they are so desperately yearning for, be given to them by the same person who caused part of their hurt.
“Do you remember when we were kids?” Regulus asked, wiping the last remnants of tears from his face, glancing up at Sirius. “That summer when we tried to brew that potion from that old book in the attic?”
Sirius chuckled, the sound warm and genuine. “Oh Merlin, yes! We nearly blew up the whole place! I thought Mother was going to kill us.”
Regulus laughed, a sound so foreign yet refreshing, like a soft breeze on a summer day. “We were so sure we could make a powerful potion. And then it just… fizzled out and turned into a terrible mess.”
Sirius grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “And you got so mad at me for spilling the ingredients everywhere! You nearly hexed me.”
“I should have!” Regulus shot back playfully, a small smile creeping onto his face. “But I guess it was kind of funny in hindsight.”
“It was,” Sirius agreed, the warmth of nostalgia flooding the space between them. “We were invincible back then. Nothing could touch us.”
Regulus sighed, the memories both sweet and bitter. “I wish we could go back to that. Before everything felt so complicated.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said, his expression turning serious. “But we can’t. We have to face it all, Regulus. We can’t just run away. But I’ll be here, no matter what. You’re not alone in this.”
“I know,” Regulus replied softly, leaning into Sirius’s side, feeling the weight of their unspoken bond wrap around them like a protective cloak. “I’m just scared.”
“Of what?” Sirius asked, his brow furrowing with concern.
“Of failing. Of not being good enough. Of letting everyone down.” Regulus swallowed hard, the fear gnawing at his insides. “Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m never going to measure up to the expectations. Especially from Mother.”
Sirius’s expression darkened, and he shifted slightly to look directly into Regulus’s eyes. “You’re not defined by their expectations, Regulus. You’re your own person, and you’re so much more than what they see.”
“But they don’t see me,” Regulus whispered, the pain cutting through him like a blade. “They only see the perfect son, the one who excels in Potions and is destined for greatness in the family.”
Sirius’s gaze softened, and he brushed his thumb across Regulus’s cheek. “You are destined for greatness, but that greatness should be defined by you. Not by them.”
Regulus met his brother’s gaze, searching for the truth in Sirius’s words. “What if I fail? What if I’m not enough?”
“Then we’ll figure it out together,” Sirius said firmly. “You don’t have to carry this alone. I’ve struggled, too, with my own fears and doubts. But I’ve learned that it’s okay to fail. It’s okay to be vulnerable.”
Regulus felt a rush of emotion, the weight of his brother’s support washing over him like a tidal wave. “You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.”
“Because you do deserve it,” Sirius replied, his voice steady and unwavering. “We’re brothers. I’d fight the world for you, Regulus. No matter what.”