Ripple in the Ocean

Carla glances at the clock again. 8pm. Lisa is long past late from her shift.

At first, she’d been angry.

But as the clock had hit 6pm, 7pm, and now 8pm, the anger dissipated. The predominant concern in her mind was now worry.

Where was Lisa?

Rob was still out there. And, under it all, Carla missed Lisa, even after everything.

So at 6pm, she’d sent a text. Just a quick, Can we talk? But she hadn’t received a response. An hour later she followed up with, Please?

She glances down at her phone for what feels like the thousandth time. The messages to Lisa still showing as unread.

She re-reads her last few texts to Betsy.

6.43pm

Carla: Hey love, how was your day?

6.45pm

Betsy: Fine.

Carla had smiled at that. Betsy, the great communicator.

6.45pm

Carla: Have you spoken with your mum?

6.46pm

Betsy: Not since she dropped me off after college, no. Is everything okay?

Okay. That meant Lisa had been fine as of a few hours ago. Carla felt a little better.

6.47pm

Carla: Just trying to see if she’ll be home for tea.

Carla hadn’t wanted to lie to Betsy but she didn’t want her to worry and she certainly didn’t need to involve her in any of this.

6.48pm

Betsy: Just ring her.

Carla: Her phone’s switched off.

6.50pm

Betsy: Then she’s working. DS Swain mode. You’ll get used to it.

Betsy: I won’t be home tonight. Mum knows.

6.51pm

Carla: I know. Have fun at the birthday party. No gin.

Betsy had replied with an angel and devil emoji. She shakes her head.

She tells herself, again, that Lisa’s phone is off and she’s busy with work, or some other normal explanation. And since the messages are in fact showing as unread, it’s not like she’s seen them and is avoiding her.

Carla sighs. She really only has herself to blame though. She told Lisa to leave. So, Lisa left. Who knows when she’s coming home.

After today, did this place even feel like home for Lisa? They’d rushed the Swains moving in, dictated a little bit by necessity and circumstance. They’d barely had time to settle in. And today, Carla kicked Lisa out of a place that she should feel safe and welcome. “Stupid!” She says aloud. She shakes her head.

If Carla had been screamed at, she wouldn’t be scampering to get back to that either. And she wouldn’t ever let someone kick her out of her own home.

So far, she’d been managing to deal with her fears until a new one presents itself to the forefront of her brain: what if Lisa doesn’t come back at all?

What if Carla pushed too hard, and after everything, Carla’s health, their lack of intimacy, Rob’s carnage, and now Carla’s push, what if Lisa had enough?

Carla’s eyes fill with tears. That is certainly not something she’s prepared to consider. She takes a deep steadying breath.

No. That isn’t happening. She reflects on everything she and Lisa have shared. The quiet moments in between the big moments.

She thinks about Lisa staying with her in the hospital, Lisa holding her hand when she was scared, Lisa running her a bath. She thinks of all the ways Lisa has quietly become her rock. She thinks about shared showers, and quiet laughs. She considers that the DS risked her career, stayed up through many sleepless nights with Carla, and got injured trying to get her back from Rob. They’d been through so much; one fight couldn’t outweigh all of that…could it?

The ground under Carla’s feet felt so unstable. Not physically. But mentally, emotionally.

Now, if you asked her, if it were up to her, of course their entire relationship was worth so much more than whatever had happened between them today. It was worth everything. This was nothing. Something to digest, sit with for a little bit, talk about and move on. It feels so clear now, after everything. She knows the comment about being a mum made everything worse.

The trouble was, she wasn’t sure how the other half of this relationship was feeling. She sighed. Lisa was steady, dependable, and unshakeable in the face of turmoil. She didn’t let her emotions dictate what happened, she would use logic, stay cool, maintain her composure.

Carla did not do any of that. Carla’s emotions had well and truly messed things up. And she wasn’t sure if Lisa would want to deal with a yelling partner who didn’t communicate properly. They’d never had something like this happen. And as much as Lisa had really put in effort to stop leaving when they fought, this time, Carla had made her do it.

What if she didn’t come back?

No. She can’t think like that. She knows that what’s likely happening is her past experiences in relationships are fuelling these thoughts. And she’s not in a past relationship. She’s with Lisa.

She knows that her confidence in being the person people walk to, and not away from, had been rocked when Peter left town.

Because Carla knew she was physically attractive. She had solid footing when it came to being desirable to her partners in that way. Or she had. Until kidney failure 2.0.

But she was fully aware that men (well, actually, now that she thought about it, more than men) wanted her. She was not oblivious to that and in fact, she had used it to her advantage in the past.

What kept her up at night—at least before she met Lisa—was the fact that once they’d had her, no one ever really stuck around for her. Or if they did, she never felt good enough. Sure, Peter had been there for years, but she couldn’t shake the feeling in hindsight that he had stayed there because it was easier.

With the benefit of this hindsight, and especially when juxtaposed beside the effort and care Lisa put in, it just didn’t feel as though Peter really chose Carla. Not in the way she was learning people could feel chosen. Even something as simple as Valentine’s Day was a totally different experience when your partner really saw you, knew you.

And it wasn’t a competition between them. Not in any real sense. Peter was gone. She didn’t want to go back down those cobbles. It was just a comparison she could draw. Because she had told Peter he was the love of her life. She had meant what she said when she said it.

But when she’d said it, she hadn’t known this whole other side of possibility with a partner like Lisa. She’d never known a world with Lisa in it. And she was quickly considering that maybe what she’d said was a bit premature. That maybe Peter was a love of her life.

Because the full truth was Carla couldn’t imagine a world where Lisa would treat her in some of the ways that Peter had treated her.

And that’s why she knows if Lisa knew about her history, she would never have said what she said. She knows in the calm of the aftermath of their row, Lisa didn’t mean anything by it. She knows, at least from Lisa’s perspective, Carla likely overreacted. And that’s why she has to tell her everything. From the beginning. Except she has to find her first.

She gets off the sofa, decision made. She feels a stab of pain in her side, the painkillers starting to subside and a warning from her body that she’s already overdone it for the day.

No matter. She’ll push through it. Because even if it hurts, the pain of doing nothing, not trying, waiting, or the threat of losing the partner she’s come to love….no, that’s worse.

She’s going to go and find her.

Before she can take another step though, for the second time that day, she hears keys jingle in the lock of her door.

This time hearing it is totally different. She feels hope but also immense relief.

And immediately anxious. She prepares herself to fight if she needs to. Not with Lisa, but for Lisa. She’ll fight to save what they have. She’s done pushing Lisa away. All that got her was some momentary relief from frustration followed by sadness, and a horrible day full of worry.

She turns to the door and readies herself. It opens and the first thing Carla sees is a big bouquet of flowers.

Then Lisa steps in. “Carla?” She calls.

She can’t see her face around the blossoms, at first, until Lisa steps to the counter and places the flowers down.

“Where have you been?” Carla asks. She knows the words are coming out too strained, too accusatory but she’s been so worried.

“Oh, out and about. I wanted to give you some space.” Lisa turns to face her.

Carla looks at her, completely thrown. Lisa isn’t acting angry. She isn’t acting like anything has happened at all. What is going on? Carla had been prepared to throw herself at her feet, wrap her in her arms, fix everything. Do whatever she needed to do.

Meanwhile Lisa is casually taking off her coat like nothing happened.

“I, uh… wasn’t sure if you wanted me back here or not. Went on a nice long walk to clear my head after work. Turned my phone off, just to have some time to think. Then I saw a flower shop, and I thought of you. So. I got you these.” She gestures at the flowers.

“You got me flowers?”

“Yes.”

“I threw you out of here earlier.”

“You did.”

“I screamed at you.”

“I know.”

“But you got me flowers.” Carla says sitting down on the sofa. It’s not a question exactly, but it’s not just a statement. She feels the worry within her slowly leaving her body and being replaced by a warmth she didn’t know could follow the anger and stress that had been there.

Lisa kicks off her shoes and arranges them neatly by the door. Of course she arranges them neatly, even in the middle of chaos, Lisa’s steadfast. “Yes.”

Carla’s mouth is incapable of forming words. She tries to start a few different sentences but nothing fully forms. Why? What? Are you mad? They’re beautiful. I missed you. I’m so scared.

What comes out instead is, “I was so worried.”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry. I was just clearing my head.”  Lisa steps around the sofa and sits down, leaving a comfortable amount of space between them. “Look, at first, I was so hurt that you’d push me away like that or even treat me that way. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the Carla I know, love, and care for, would only do that if something was really wrong. If something had happened. And so there must be some reason we got there. And, once I realized that, it seemed so obvious to come back and find out what that was.”

Carla is not sure what she’s done in her life to be this lucky. And it’s not just the benefit of finding a partner who can logically analyze their emotions or the emotions of their partner like her brilliant detective often did, but instead, to have Lisa actually want to do it?

Before she can say anything, Lisa continues talking. “If you don’t want to talk about it now, or if you’re still upset with me, that’s fine. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry that I said or did anything that made you react that way.  And if you want me to leave, I will. But I’ll be here to talk whenever you want. I had to make sure you knew that. Even if we’re arguing.”

Carla looks down at her hands in her lap. She hasn’t said much of anything. She’s let Lisa do the talking. It’s not because she doesn’t have anything to say. And it’s not because she thinks Lisa should carry the load.

Carla is usually the communicator in her relationships. She’s the fixer.  She has carried that load for so long she didn’t really consciously know she was carrying anything. It was part of her life, part of her identity really. And here’s Lisa, grabbing half of it and carrying on like it’s no bother. She’s utterly thrown.

She’s been listening to an apology she wasn’t anticipating, and it’s soft, and it’s gentle, and it’s patient. And the softness opens her heart wide. It’s not broken. It’s just deconstructed somehow. So that everything she thought she knew about love, how she loved, and how to be loved, was rearranged, reassembled, and became stronger than it was before. “I don’t want you to go. I want us to talk.” She manages to say.

“That’s handy because I don’t want to leave.” Lisa grabs hold of Carla’s hand and squeezes it tightly. “I want to be here with you for as long as you’ll have me.”

“I’m so sorry. I never meant for any of that to happen. I’m so sorry for how I treated you. That isn’t how I want to treat you, and it wasn’t okay. I shouldn’t have yelled. I was upset but that’s not an excuse. And, I want to be clear, when I said get out, I didn’t mean permanently. I just needed a minute.” She trails off. She’s not sure how to broach the subject of what exactly had set her off. Some of it was going to be much easier to talk about than the rest.

Lisa nods. Accepting the apology. “I love you.” Lisa whispers. “I love you so much Carla. Some days it feels like I can’t breathe because of it.”

Carla reaches her arms out then, takes Lisa into them. They hug and it’s like they’re both exhaling the weight off the day off of themselves. “I love you too Lisa. It’s just lately, with everything, you’ve been holding me so tightly I feel like I’m the one who can’t breathe. And it feels like you don’t think I’m capable of anything.”

Lisa pulls back slowly and looks down. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to suffocate you. That’s the last thing I want. I love your independence. You’re strong, you’re competent, you’re self-sufficient. I love that I get to be with that version of you. And for her, I want to let her do whatever she wants and stand beside her. But I’ve seen the vulnerable side of you lately, and I want to stand in front of her, keep her safe from the entire world.”

“You can’t protect me from everything.”

“I know that. I’m well aware of that. If I could, none of this would have happened, you wouldn’t have been kidnapped, and you wouldn’t have nearly died because of me.”

"None of that is your fault. I told you I forgave you. That’s all on Rob. And, if it wasn’t for you, I’d still be on dialysis, waiting for a kidney that may never have come. I understand what you did. I don’t hold you responsible for any of this. And neither should you.”

“I guess it’s hard for me to turn off the protector part of me because of it all. And, I know that I’ve been overbearing, I know. Sometimes I can feel myself overstepping, and I haven’t been able to stop. But that’s my own issue. Please don’t think that it has anything to do with me thinking you can’t do it, I know you can.”

“Listen, I do love that you want to take care of me. I really love that. I just don’t want that to be all that I am to you. Some helpless damsel. I want you to see me as your partner. Someone you share things with, on equal footing. Someone you find sexy, someone you don’t spend all day worrying about, and eventually, someone you want to take to bed again.”

“Whoa. Hold on. Eventually? Eventually?! Carla I’ve never for one second stopped wanting that.”

Lisa simply cannot let a moment—not even one single moment—pass where Carla thinks she is undesirable to Lisa. “You have been sexy to me this whole time. You are gorgeous. And I don’t just mean your body. The way you think. The way you speak. The way your eyes linger on my body when I’m working out and you think you’re being sneaky. The way you brush a stray hair out of your eyes when you’re reading. The way you rub your lips together when you’re thinking. The way you look at me. Every single thing you do sets me on fire.”

“Then why…why do you keep running away from me when I’m trying to…stoke that fire?”

“Because Carla, I love you. Because the only thing I want more than to make love with you is to have you be healthy and safe and to just be in love with you.”

“Oh.”

“And I’m so sorry that you’re surprised right now. Because I should never have let you be uncertain about that.”

“Well, you just kept saying you were unbothered about sex. I am very much bothered. I am the most bothered.”

“I am too. Just not compared to how bothered I’d be if I didn’t have you at all. Look, I cannot wait until we get the all-clear from the doctor. I’ll mark it on my calendar. I’ll book off work. We’ll send Betsy and Ryan to Ireland and I will march you in that bedroom and lock the door for ages.”

Carla giggles at Lisa’s insistence.

“None of my efforts to take care of you have anything to do with seeing you as a patient, or an invalid.” Lisa looks down again. She sighs. “I just care about you so much. I want to protect you from everything and I know I can’t, and I know I have to give you space to live, I’m just struggling because of how close I came to losing you. Carla, I don’t know what I would do if—”

“Hey. Don’t. Because you haven’t lost me. I’m right here. And just like you, I’m going nowhere.” Carla kisses Lisa’s hand softly.

“I’ll work on it. I want you to be able to live your life however you want. I don’t want to steer your ship for you, I just want to sit beside you on the journey. Maybe point out some icebergs before we hit them.”

Carla smiles widely. She’s so happy with how they’ve navigated their argument so far. But she’s still a little nervous because she knows that she’s going to have to open herself up soon. Explain herself completely. Because Lisa doesn’t know the full story. Not yet. And she’s not nervous about how Lisa will react, not really. It’s just hard. So, she delays a little bit.

“Those flowers are gorgeous. Let me put them in some water.”

She gets up slowly from the sofa, her side still aching a little, walks over to the flowers, takes them to the sink, begins taking them out of their wrapping, trimming the stems. Lisa follows her.

“These are seriously beautiful Lisa. Best ‘I’m sorry’ flowers ever.”

“Well, the flowers weren’t really for that purpose.”

“Eh?”

“They’re not ‘I’m sorry’ flowers. Not really. I don’t really believe in buying your way to forgiveness.”

Of course she didn’t.

“So, what are they then?”

Lisa considers how to answer. She considers saying that they’re beautiful, and they reminded her of Carla, so she’d bought them. A partial truth. But not the full truth. And they’re being honest with one another. She owes it to Carla to just say it all.

“You know the last time I spoke with Becky was in an argument. And I know, couples fight. We’ll do it again. I’m sure we’ll have loads in the future. We’re both stubborn women who think we know best. I can’t live my life avoiding them forever. I just…want you to know that even when we’re fighting or arguing, or disagreeing. I still love you.”

“Oh.” Carla says, and her eyes well up unexpectedly. Sometimes Lisa just said things that totally disarmed her, made her feel all gooey inside. Stripped her to her core. Just with words.

“I love them even more now.”

“Good.” Lisa says as she fills a glass of water, and hands it to Carla just as she picks up the pain killer bottle. "Here."

“Ta. I’ve never had ‘can’t wait to have more fights with you, you stubborn git’ flowers before.” Carla responds as she swallows the pills. 

Lisa snickers. “More like, ‘I can’t wait for our future and everything it brings’ flowers.”

Carla sets the flowers down in the centre of the table and steps back, admiring them.

“I’m glad you like them.”

“I love them, baby.” Carla says, walking over to Lisa and bending to kiss her. Lisa slowly reaches out and takes Carla’s hands to guide forward. She starts to recline on the sofa and bring Carla with her, laying her gingerly on top, making sure not to cause any pain to her surgical area, but trying to hide that’s what she’s doing.

Carla smirks. She knows exactly what Lisa’s doing.

They lay together on the sofa, Carla with her head on Lisa’s chest.

For the first time since that morning, Carla feels like she can well and truly breathe. “I’m so glad you came home.”

“Where else was I meant to go?”

“I dunno. I was so worried I’d pushed you too far. I tried calling and texting. You weren’t answering.”

“But you know when I need time to think, I turn my phone off and usually go on a walk or even a run sometimes.”

And Carla actually does know that. But it’s hard to be rational in a panic.

“I guess I do. But with Rob out there…” Carla strokes her hand through Lisa’s hair.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I’ll try to be more mindful if I need time to myself so you don’t worry. I’ll text or call you. I just didn’t earlier because of how we left things. But no matter. In future, I’ll still tell you.”

“Thank you.”

“I never considered going anywhere else. You’re here. My daughter’s here.”

“I just…I dunno. We’ve never fought like that and I didn’t know if—”

“Hold on a minute.” Lisa sits them both back up so she can look at Carla properly. “You thought that I was going to leave you after one fight?”

Carla starts to deny, but she can’t because as much as she had done her best to reassure against those thoughts, they’d been there. “I didn’t want to feel like that. We’ve just been through so much so soon, and I can’t help but feel sometimes like it would be so much easier for you if you just walked away and kept walking.”

“Oh, Carla.” Lisa feels rocked that Carla could feel that uncertain about their love after everything they’ve been through. “I told you; I am here. I am not going to leave sweetheart.Who cares how soon it is? You’re right, we’ve been through so much but we made it through it together. I couldn’t possibly want to leave. All it’s done is make me want to be here with you more.”

Carla can see Lisa means it. It’s not as though she won’t need a reminder in the future. But she really trusts Lisa, and so she is working really hard to accept what she’s saying.

Lisa considers what the brunette just said. She wants to reassure, soothe, comfort. Because she really isn’t going anywhere. And she knows that words are just words, and time will show Carla what she means is true, but, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t at least try.

“My love for you is stronger than whatever happened today. My love for you is…incomparable to that. How I feel about you is…like the ocean. This fight is just a ripple running against the tide. It’s there, it might span out, but the ocean will eventually absorb it, and the tide will keep flowing. Because it’s inevitable.” Lisa finishes speaking and leans in to give her partner a soft kiss.

Carla’s so grateful her lips are occupied because she’s speechless. There have been a few times she’s felt like this in their relationship. And this is the second time in a matter of minutes. When Lisa has reduced her to absolute mush on the inside. When she’s thought she’s fallen as deeply as she possibly can, and then suddenly Lisa’s removed the ground from beneath her and she’s falling. Falling into a depth she’s not sure she’s ever been.

And as much as she loves when Lisa is in her DS Swain mode, when she’s taking care of business, and in control, this softer side of her, that only she gets to see, is what drives Carla absolutely crazy in love.

“You’re such a sneaky little romantic.” Carla tells Lisa with a smile as they pull away from each other.  

“So does this mean I’m forgiven?” Lisa asks with a smirk.

Carla shifts in her seat, uncomfortable. Of course, Lisa’s forgiven. But she hasn’t been fully honest yet. And she knows, that if she doesn’t tell Lisa everything now, that they’ll go through this again. That it’s happened at least twice that she can remember, and it’s not something she’s keen to go through again.

She doesn’t want to bring the mood down. She wants to just stay in this wonderful bliss of ease and happiness. But she owes it to them both to say what needs saying.

“You are. But there’s something else.” She sighs heavily. “I wasn’t just upset that you were overbearing.”

“Okayyyy?” Lisa says drawing out the vowel.

Carla pauses, unsure. She hasn’t really been in this exact position before. She’s definitely told people in her life about losing her baby, that’s not new. She has had to do that. And every time she has, it has hurt, a reopening of that wound.

But it’s more than that and different this time because she’s never really had to tell a person she’s fallen in love with about it like this. All of the people she’s loved since then already knew. Peter obviously, and even Nick. They’d known because they’d known her when it happened.

She’d never had to mention it explicitly for them to understand her. But she knows she has to tell Lisa. Because she can’t keep having the same words thrown at her. Can’t keep being cut by the same barb, especially because Lisa doesn’t know she’s doing it.

She knows the only way past this is through it, so she takes a deep breath.

“I had a miscarriage.”

“What?” Lisa’s face falls at the word. Surprise. Confusion. Hurt. Hurt? Oh, no, Carla rushes to provide context.

“Ten years ago. I had a miscarriage ten years ago.”

Lisa’s shocked. Saddened for Carla.  There’s a bit of relief. She knew biologically at Carla’s age it was improbable, but the thought of Carla being with someone else... She shifts her mind to come back to the present moment, realizing that she hasn’t said anything, doesn’t know what to say except the most natural response she has, “Oh, Carla, I’m so sorry, I didn’t—”

“Know. I know, how could you? I don’t talk about it. I don’t like to talk about it. And to be honest, I don’t usually mention it at all. I’ve learned to live with it as best I can. I told you, life taught me long ago to live around my grief. It’s just, you keep saying I’ve never been a mum…but…”

Lisa realizes with horror exactly what happened today, and she physically feels sick as the guilt washes over her. “Oh no. Oh no no no. I’m so sorry.” Carla puts her hand on Lisa’s.

“Just let me finish. This is hard enough.” She lets out a long exhale.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” Lisa responds, and she means it.

“I want to. I want you to know me, and, as much as I may wish this isn’t part of my history, it is.”

Lisa nods in understanding, pulls Carla’s hand up to her mouth and kisses it gently.

“You remember I told you that my ex-husband had cheated on me in the past?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I had just found out about Peter’s affair with Tina, and then she was murdered. By Rob. That murder. You know, I was a suspect. What I haven’t really told you was that amidst all that, I was pregnant. All the stress… well, I lost the baby. I hadn’t even wanted her at first, not really. But then, with each passing day, I really started to see the future with her. A little girl. My little girl.”

A single tear falls down Carla’s cheek. “After. I just felt so…raw. Empty. And I guess alone. No one could understand, not really. And after what Peter had done, I wanted nothing to do with him. It was some of the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced, and I went through it scared and by myself.”

Lisa lightly wipes away the tear on Carla’s face. “I can only imagine what you’ve been through, love. I’m so sorry.”

Carla takes a deep breath. “I want to be clear. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand what happened today. When you said…what you said…” Carla trails off, feeling the tears come again. “It takes me back there.”

“Of course, I brought it all to the forefront again, didn’t I? What a right daft jackass.” Lisa exclaims. She didn’t often swear so when she did it landed.

She continues. “If I’d known…no, you know what, even if I didn’t know, I shouldn’t have said that. I promise, I’ll never say it again, sweetheart. I promise. I will never use that pain against you. Ever.”

Carla smiles now. “Okay.” Because she believes it.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I know it probably wasn’t easy to go back to that place.”

“You’re worth it. We are.” Carla says and she means it. She’d been dreading this conversation but it had ended up being so easy. Lisa never made it difficult to tell her anything.

“I hate that you went through that alone.” Lisa cannot fathom that someone would be lucky enough to be married to Carla Connor, have her pregnant with their child, and then they would step out on her. It was inconceivable.

“It was a long time ago.”

“Well, you’re not alone now.” Lisa says wrapping her arms protectively around Carla and laying them back down on the sofa gently.

“No, I know.” Carla says, grasping onto Lisa’s arms. “Lucky me.”

Lisa waits a moment. She isn’t sure if she should say what she’s about to say, but it feels so true in her heart that she can’t help it. “You would have been an amazing mother. You already are to all the little souls lost around you, aren’t you?”

Carla scoffs at that. She’s never really believed that of herself. “That’s not really what you said earlier.”

“What I said wasn’t even true. I was angry and exasperated. But you’re so good with Betsy. And Ryan. And Bobby. You have this wonderful, affectionate, soft spirit. You make people feel safe, and heard, comfortable around you.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

 “I’m not just saying it though. It’s true. And you were right. I do push too hard. And I was angry and frustrated because it feels like sometimes neither of you need me. Because you always know what to do with her, and I’m perpetually out of my depth.”

“Hey. Betsy needs you. She does. The pair of you need each other. You’re both so strong-willed, and scared of losing each other.”

“We’re both so lucky to have you. You’ve changed our life. For the better.”

“You’ve changed mine too. I can’t believe the difference a year makes.”

“Listen, I want you to be able to talk to me about Betsy. I don’t want you to walk on egg shells, and it’s not just because of what you’ve told me today. It’s because you make me see sense. You help me get out of my own head. And Betsy needs someone doing that because I make an utter mash of it on my own sometimes.

“She needs you too Lisa. She does. She’s so much like you in so many ways.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do. And it’s not just Betsy who needs you, you know.”

“Oh?” Lisa smiles, she knows what Carla is saying but she can’t help but want to actually hear it after the day they’ve had.

“Betsy and I both need you. And we’re both so incredibly lucky to have you.”

“I feel the exact same.”

It’s funny, she thinks, how things can change so quickly. For a huge part of her day, she’d been sitting on the sofa alone, regretting everything, wishing she could change what happened.

But now? Maybe she’s a little bit grateful it had all happened. Because even though it had been awful fighting with Lisa like this, it’s also led them to now. Where they have a better understanding of each other, a stronger foundation.

She’s always viewed fights as something that could damage a relationship. Something that could send her partner off into someone else’s bed. Or something that could send her into someone else’s bed. Something that would destroy.

But Lisa’s shown her that it can also make the relationship stronger. Carla knows Lisa would never sleep with anyone else anyway. She knows that with the strongest amount of certainty she’s ever had in a partner. They might break up at some point in the future—Carla was well aware life could throw anything at you, so she knew that certainties were out of the question—but it would not be because Lisa cheated. And, despite her past history, Carla was as certain as she could be that she wouldn’t either.

Why would she? She had everything she needed at home. She’d found a partner who was comforting, safe, warm, kind, sensual, incredibly gifted with her mouth (in so many different ways), and would stand by her through possibly anything.

So maybe she was wrong, thinking she had everything at home.  It was that she’d found home.

She felt her phone chime with a text alert in her pocket, and she pulled it out.

9.20pm

Betsy: Did DS Swoon get home?

Carla snickers at her phone. DS Swoon. Not sure Lisa would love that particular nickname.

It had all started a few days earlier when Carla had run out of her favourite biscuits, and Lisa insisted on going out to get them for her instead of the kind they had in.  Betsy had mocked her mother for being whipped and told Carla she turned the formidable DS Swain into DS Swoon. Carla chuckled at the memory. DS Swoon indeed. She loved DS Swoon.

“What?” Lisa asks.

“Oh nothing. Just Betsy.”  Despite what Betsy may display to the outer world, Carla knows that she cares. She’s out with friends, she’s meant to be having a good night. But she still double checked. Just in case. And she’s sarcastic, and she’s gobby, and she pushes the boundaries. But she’s kind hearted, and she’s young, and she’s doing her best. Carla can relate to that.

9.21pm

Carla: Yes, she’s home. Have a good night x

Lisa glances at the phone. “Does that say DS Swoon?”

Carla feels her heart soar as she screeches out a delighted laugh.

Because it has been one hell of a long day. Because she had so much worry, and concern, and stress. But being here with her partner on the sofa is easing it all away. Because Lisa’s indignation is adorable. And because they made it through all of it stronger somehow.

And she smiles because sure, she’s lost family, but maybe, she thinks as Lisa’s tickling into her side, maybe she’s also found it.