On the outside, Remus looked calm. If anyone was to study him, they might notice an occasional tiny twitch in his left eye or the way the right side of his bottom lip pulled slightly, but his face was passive and his body relaxed as he sat at one end of the sofa in the Gryffindor common room clutching an empty glass.
Inside, every atom of his being was thrashing around like the whomping willow. His heart hammered against his ribs, he was biting the inside of his lower lip hard enough to taste blood and he couldn’t bring himself to look away.
On the other side of the room, Sirius was deep in conversation with Benjy Fenwick. Remus had counted the number of times that Sirius had thrown back his head and laughed at something Benjy said (six), and how many times Benjy had touched Sirius on the arm, shoulder, and most egregiously, his hip (nine, in total).
“Why don’t you tell him?” Dorcas perched on the arm of the sofa next to him.
“Self preservation and the knowledge that he deserves better.” Remus said, not taking his eyes off Sirius.
“And it’s just fine for you to keep all that inside forever?.”
“Perhaps.” He admitted. “I swear it used to be easier. It’s fine. Only four months of school left, though. Then I can have some space from it all.”
Dorcas snorted, “If that’s what you think’s going to happen—”
“Why are we glaring at Sirius?” Marlene appeared behind Dorcas. “I approve, I’m just curious.”
“He’s pining. Again.”
“You’d probably be happier if you didn’t insist on watching.” Marlene said. “Seems masochistic.”
“Don’t kink shame him!” Dorcas giggled. “She’s right though. Come and get another drink.”
Remus sighed and stood up, “I hate when you’re right.” Before he headed to where he’d left his fire whisky, he looked over his shoulder and was surprised to see Sirius looking at him, something burning in his gaze. Remus offered him a half smile before following Marlene and Dorcas.
He sensed someone next to him as he grabbed the bottle, and was surprised to see it was Benjy.
“Done staring, Lupin?” He asked in a low voice. Remus turned to him and raised an eyebrow slightly when he saw that Benjy didn’t look angry, but amused. “I didn’t know you’d be interested. I wouldn’t have wasted any time on Black if I—”
“Wait, what?” He said, “Waste your— what?”
Benjy took a step closer to him, “C’mon, Black’s easy. I prefer a challenge.”
“You’ve got the wrong idea.” Remus focused on pouring steadily as Benjy settled his palm on the small of Remus’ back.
Benjy scoffed, “You’re not subtle. If you’re not out, you might want to rein it in.”
“Fuck off.” Remus’ face was still passive but it was considerably more effort to maintain now. Maybe Dorcas was right, and he should just—
“Moony, a word.” Sirius appeared on his other side.
Remus nodded and shook off Benjy’s hand before following him up to the dormitory.
“What the fuck was that?” Sirius asked as soon as the door was shut.
“He thought I was staring at him and—”
“You were.” Sirius said flatly. “Look, if you’d told me that you like him, I’d have told him to piss off. I didn’t know, but still, not a fan of you poaching blokes I’m in the middle of a conversation with.”
Remus sat on the edge of Sirius' bed and rested his head in his hands, “Jesus Christ.” He mumbled, “I was absolutely not poaching Benjy, nor am I into him. I was telling him that when you interrupted.”
“Then why were you staring at him?” Sirius asked, trying to keep his voice steady and almost succeeding. “Don’t deny it, I have eyes.”
“I wasn’t staring at Benjy.” Remus looked up and met his gaze, waiting for the penny to drop.
“But you were, you didn’t— Oh.” Sirius stilled. “Moons?”
Remus braced himself as he confirmed, “Yeah.”
“But… you never flirt back or even react when I flirt with you.”
“Oh, is that what you’ve been doing?” Remus felt all of those repressed emotions rushing to the surface. “I’ve wanted you for a long time, and I never said anything because I was busy helping you through heartache and then helping you make plans of who you should go after next and you know what? My name never came up once, Sirius. You’ve never seen me as legitimate option, and you know that.”
Sirius stared at him, the colour draining from his face. “You never made yourself an option.”
“Because if it’s a choice between me and someone who isn’t a dark fucking creature, then there isn’t a choice at all. I shouldn’t be an option, but it would have been nice just once if you’d—”
“So you could just turn me down with some noble speech about being a werewolf?” Sirius snapped. “We both know that’s what would happen. Why should I put myself through that, when I can just keep pretending that we’re just friends?”
“Maybe I hoped that I’d be worth the risk. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve taken a risk on our friendship.” Remus said quietly. “You’re right though. You shouldn’t have to put yourself through that.”
Sirius’ eyes flashed dangerously, “If you want me, do something about it, Remus. Do something about it, otherwise just fuck off.”
Remus stood up. The urge to just leave the dorm was strong. It was the sensible choice, but instead he found himself in front of Sirius, close enough that he could feel Sirius’ breath ghosting across his lips. “I’m not going to beg you to want me, Sirius.”
“You don’t need to.” He let Remus close the small distance between them.