The cold, dark water is still beneath me, the boat gently rocking on the loch despite the wind against my back. The water in front of me glimmers when the sunlight breaks through the cloudy sky. I feel calm. For once. Maybe that’s a good thing to feel in my last few moments. In a couple of hours, someone will find the boat drifting along, empty apart from my jacket and boots that had been keeping me warm. I’ll welcome the cold water just as I’ll welcome the silence in my head as I take my last breath.
That was the plan, at least.
The water really was as cold as it looked when I dipped a fingertip in, but that was good. My body would numb quicker and I wouldn’t feel the pain of struggling to breath. I couldn’t sit on the edge of the boat without it capsizing and even though I was going into the water anyway, I didn’t want to flip the boat. So I sat in the boat with my legs dangling awkwardly over the edge, toes dipping into the water.
It was nice to know that the sun would sink down with me. I have this theory that everyone who dies becomes a star in the sky. Maybe that’s what will happen to me. I can be a star in the sky, just like the sun. I might not be as bright, but I’ll still be there.
I feel ready now. I have seen enough of the world. I’m ready.
Taking my last breath of air, I push myself off the boat and into the water.
I let myself float once my head is under the water, I don’t try to swim back up to the surface.
The cold water shocks my body, something I had anticipated but never experienced. My eyes are still closed, but when I open them, a streak of sunlight is beaming through the water and into my face and for a second, I feel warm. I can feel the heat of the sun and the love it bears for everything on earth.
I gasp, and then realise too late the mistake I just made.
Cold water floods my mouth, numbing my throat and flooding my lungs. I start to panic and accidentally breathe in more water. My heart is racing in my chest and I can feel myself suffocating, choking, drowning. This isn’t the peaceful, painless, euphoric death I read about, it felt like I was being burned from the inside out. My lungs are beginning to burn even as I start to kick my legs, my hands reaching out to the surface and the shadow of the boat sitting on the water. My legs begin to slow down, the energy draining from my body as it fills with water.
Opening my eyes, I realise how far I am from the surface, too far to swim all the way back up. I was never a great swimmer, that’s why I chose to drown instead of a rope or a blade.
I can see darkness beginning to cloud my vision, the sun disappearing behind the dark clouds. My legs won’t kick anymore and I can’t even complete the motion of breathing in. I can slightly see the sun set and the surface drifting further away. Maybe it’s me that’s drifting further away? I close my eyes one last time and I don’t open them again.
I don’t know how long it’s been. 5 minutes, 10 minutes. I had read that it takes a drowning person 3 minutes after taking a gulp of water before they lose consciousness, and a following 10 minutes before they die.
I wonder if this is what is happening now? Am I dead? Is life finally over for me?
I feel relaxed, finally calm. This is what I wanted. This silence. It was… nice.
But what about my brother? A voice says. No, he left me when he ran away from home.
What about the sun?
It’s too late now anyway. There is nothing left in my body, not enough for me to do anything about it.
There’s a sudden noise, almost like background noise. Had I been alive I probably wouldn’t have noticed it. The silence in my mind is nice, it’s a change. A good one. I want it to stay silent.
Something grabs my arm. A cold hand. Death maybe? Has he finally come to get me?
I feel my body being pulled through the water but I can’t tell what direction I’m going.
Cold, fresh air feels like a smack to the face as I break the surface.
The hand turned into an arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me through the water. There’s shouting nearby but it’s muffled, like I’m still underwater. Maybe I am. Maybe this is a fever dream before I finally die.
Another hand grabs my forearm and I’m being lifted. My back bashes against something solid and it would hurt if my body wasn’t numb from the cold water.
“-on!” Someone shouts. My head hits something else and my chest is still burning. “Breathe-“
A pair of hands begin pushing down on my chest, it feels rhythmic and begins to hurt more than the burn.
“Wait!” Someone else says. “- water in his lungs.”
It was strange. I didn’t think you would be able to hear people talking if you’re dead. Or maybe that’s just an effect of being dead, you hear things around you even if you’re not alive to respond.
Someone tilts my head back and another hand opens my mouth. A hand pinches my nose and I feel someone’s mouth on mine. Air is being blown into my mouth and then they pull off.
“Come on, Reggie.” The voice is stronger now, not as muffled. Does that mean something?
A mouth presses against mine again, more air flowing into my mouth.
“It’s not working.” The voice sounds distressed, panicky.
“Start the compressions again.” The second voice says. He sounds more confident than the first person yet I can still hear the fear behind his voice. It sounds familiar, I think as hands start pushing on my chest again.
Suddenly my throat feels like it’s on fire, a painful, dry burning sensation reaching the back of my throat. My mouth fills with water and I shoot forward, knocking heads with the person in front of me. I begin coughing excessively, my lungs burning. I began throwing up all of the water in my lungs, which felt like the whole loch. A hand grabs my shoulder and angles me over the side of the boat, another hand hitting my back.
When I felt like I got rid of all the water sitting at the bottom of my lungs, all that was left was the burn. My throat was raw and dry and all I wanted to do was drink water, surprisingly enough.
Warm arms wrap around my shoulders and pull my back against their chest.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” A voice shouts behind me. The arms are so tight around me I feel like I’m suffocating all over again. I wanted to push him off but his body was so warm and I didn’t realise I was shaking from the cold.
I finally open my eyes and turn my head to face him.
Sirius. My brother.
He looked furious, but I could see the worry in his eyes.
“I-I had…” I stammer, my jaw chattering from the cold. “I had enough.” I force out. I watch his face fall and he pulls me closer than I thought possible.
“You scared the life out of us.” Another voice says. My head turns to find the source of the familiar voice but my eyes find him first.
The sun.
I didn’t want the sun to watch. I was supposed to set with the sun, it wasn’t supposed to save me.
But here it is.
The sun.
My sun. My Jamie.
My bright, beautiful sun.
He’s here.
I can feel my heart in my chest beating faster. He saved me. Of course he did. My head feels light and it tips back against my brother's chest again, my eyes still on my sun.
This morning I expected my body to be at the bottom of this loch, heavy and water filled. Dead. I still wish to be there, to leave this painful life. But right now, I am comfortable in my brother’s arms and near the warmth of my sun one last time.