Chapter 4
Regulus wakes with the sun against his back. Its warmth overtakes him in the soft sheets, and he falls inside of it. Pushing his face against the pillow, fingers reaching to grasp onto the sunspots dancing across the other side of the bed. He murmurs, mumbles breaking from the inside of his throat, and he hears soft laughter in response.
“I’m here,” the voice says.
Regulus reaches out again, refusing to open his eyes, but finds nothing but the sheets beneath his fingers. It’s only a twin bed, one he slept on since childhood, and it’s never once felt too big, and yet now there are oceans between him and the edge. There’s a missing piece; an empty place. It’s much colder without it, Regulus shivers even beneath the covers as a cold front runs over the room.
“Reg,” the voice calls out again, “Open your eyes.”
Regulus shakes his head, taking a deep breath and he smells smoke. It’s heavy on his tongue covering his mouth with the feeling of it. It’s thick, covering the room completely as he scrambles up, choking on his words. He coughs, blinking quickly as the embers break into his room, like dust falling from the ceiling fan. He keeps a white-knuckle grip on the blankets, bringing them to his chest as he coughs out. When he pulls them away from his face they come up crimson, it slips from his mouth and down his neck.
“James?” He calls out, tears running down his face; thick oceans. “James!”
He whimpers, a dog on a leash, scrambling further up the bed as the ceiling is overtaken by the flames. “James!” He sobs out, his chest cracking down the center. He can feel the hatchet resting in between his ribs. He needs to get out but he can’t find a way. All the windows are boarded up and the door is on fire. Everything is on fire. There’s blood between his teeth.
“James,” he whispers in a final plea, and he lays down his head down back to the sheets. Heat overtakes the room. All he can smell is smoke, and he prays it sends a signal back home somewhere. He’ll send another.
“James.”
There’s hands against his shoulders, shaking his body awake. His eyebrows furrowed he pushes back, “James?” He calls out, the name slipping from his tongue quicker than his mind can keep up with it.
“Are you with me?”
Regulus opens his eyes to find him there, his shadow blurs with the morning light, turning the edges of him hazy. Regulus reaches out anyway, holding his face in his hands, tracing his cheek. He hums, “I’m here.”
James drops his head on Regulus' chest with a breath of relief, “You weren’t waking up,” he mumbles, his last word leaves more to be desired. There’s something else that should follow, but nothing but silence remains.
Regulus blinks sleepily, running his fingers through James’ hair and absent-mindedly scratching his scalp, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” James whines, “Nothing’s wrong.”
Regulus knows something is wrong but he can’t reach out to grab it, he opens his mouth to speak but no words slip past his tongue. He closes his eyes instead, holding James close. He doesn’t want him to ask. He never likes it when he pushes, no matter how much James might need Regulus to push. He hums instead, dragging one of his hands down to the back of James’ neck, squeezing it affectionately.
“How long have you been up?” He asks.
James stills.
“James…” Regulus pulls him away and James moves easily, sliding back onto the other side of the bed. It’s then that Regulus notices the dark under-eye circles taking up his face. His eyes have lost their usual shimmer, now stuck in the bleakness of night. Regulus can see James trying to fight it, he tries to make himself lighter than he is, but Regulus sits right through it. He holds his face, gently rubbing his cheeks with the pad of his thumb.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” Regulus questions.
A tear falls down James’ cheek, but he doesn’t react to it, he only looks over at Regulus, his eyes blown out; wide. “A little,” he whispers, reaching up to grab Regulus’ hands. Not to take them away, only to hold them there, as if he’s afraid Regulus will let go. “It’s okay.”
Regulus tilts his head, “You’re not okay, baby.”
James looks up as another tear falls, “I just…” he chokes on his words, sniffling as he looks back. He kisses Regulus' palm before leaning into it. “I miss you,” he finishes with an intake of air.
“What are you talking about?” Regulus murmurs, “I’m right here.”
James smiles watery, and he laughs shortly before he says, “It’s nothing,” he tells him. “I’m just tired.”
“I’ll call it to work, okay?’ Regulus tells him. “You just get more sleep.”
James takes a breath, his chest faltering when he says, “No, it’s okay,” he says.
“You need sleep,” he says, “I’ll stay here with you all day. I don’t have anything else.”
James sighs, closing his eyes, as Regulus wipes the tears from his face. It’s like watching a screen almost, when his gaze is hidden from Regulus’ view. Something isn’t right, and it’s blurry around the edges. Dust particles fall over the lens, it distorts the vision, and takes him out of it. Something is wrong and Regulus doesn’t understand what that is. He tries to trace his steps but the track only repeats, again and again as the record stalls.
“Talk to me,” Regulus calls out.
James opens his eyes again, “I love you,” he tells him, then quietly murmurs, “Say it back.”
Regulus swallows thickly around the lump in his throat, “I love you,” he says, “You know I do.”
James takes his hands away, quickly wiping away his tears, and covering his face. “I just—“ he forces out a breath, dropping his hands, “Can we just stay here today?” There’s another word missing, Regulus can see it on the tip of James’ tongue but it never reaches his ears.
“Of course,” Regulus tells him.
“Right here,” James repeats, dropping his head into the crook of Regulus’ neck, “Nothing can bother us when we’re here.”
“Do you need me to call work?” Regulus whispers.
James only tightens his grip, before he shakes his head, “No, no it’s okay, just…” his words trail off.
“I’m right here,” Regulus tells him. There are echoes behind his words, another voice hidden within the seas surrounding him.
“Thank you,” James whispers, his lips wavering next to his skin. “Thank you.”
Regulus’ throat closes up before he can tell him there’s nothing to thank him for. He sinks into the sheets underneath him, hearing the dulling tones of the ocean behind his ears. James’ breaths fall evenly, covering the room with the sound of it. Regulus keeps hold of him, fiddling with the ends of his hairs, and rubbing circles up his back. James shudders each time Regulus stops, tightening his grip only settling when he reminds himself Regulus is still there.
It’s loud, the sound of the ocean outside the bedroom window. It’s open, only a little, letting in the fall air sending shivers down Regulus’ skin when it hits him. He doesn’t move to close it. He doesn’t move at all, he lets the moment settle around him, clinging to every second. He’s never been the biggest fan of water, and yet it’s always around him, in every sense of the word.
James was born for the ocean, despite his occupation, he lives for the sea. Regulus only goes to the beach because James begs him too, and he loves to memorize the way James laughs as he comes up for air after diving in. Regulus always ends up diving in after him, he’s not so afraid of drowning when James’ hands have a tight grip on his arm. He finds himself laughing too, it’s lost in the wind. Maybe Regulus will get him out to the beach sometime soon. He always used to hear that it’s healing, it soothes deep sicknesses of the soul. He never believed it before James, but if anyone can heal from the ocean it’s him. Each time the waves go out Regulus hears James’ name whispered against the sand. In and out. In and out.
Time fizzles out, and the next time it picks Regulus up in its waves he’s resting in the diner, his head on the table laying in his arms. Keeping his eyes closed, he listens to the conversations around him. He doesn’t hear any words being said, not exactly, only the quiet murmur of people passing by. It’s almost like being underwater. He hears everyone from the outside, but he’s too far away to really tell what they’re saying; what they’re thinking.
“You’re being very mean,” a detached voice calls out to him.
Regulus smiles softly to himself, hiding his face away.
“I came all the way here from work,” James continues, “And you’re not even paying attention to me.”
Regulus laughs shortly, tilting his head slightly to look up at him, “I didn’t ask you to come, you know.”
James pouts, his eyes shining as the sunlight dips from the window, “You’re so mean.”
“You like me that way,” Regulus murmurs, entangling their legs from underneath the table.
James smiles at him, “Yeah I do,” he agrees, reaching out to take one of Regulus’ hands. Regulus goes willingly, opening his palm for James to run the pad of his thumb over. He closes his eyes again, memorized by the feeling of it. “Did you have a rough shift?”
Regulus hums halfheartedly, “It was okay,” he says, “Tired though.”
James kisses his palm, then again on the inside of his wrist, “How much longer do you have?”
“A few hours,” Regulus answers, rolling his head to find a more comfortable position.
“I’ll stay with you then,” James tells him, absent-mindedly playing with his fingers.
Regulus’ eyebrows furrow as he looks back over at him, “Don’t you have work?”
James shakes his head softly, “No, it’s okay, I’ll stay.”
Regulus knows he should probably argue with him, that’s what James does with him. Regulus knows he can’t very well pass off every shift that comes his way, but when James is on call for days at a time he can’t help it. He misses him when he can’t easily go over to the Fire Station and hang out with him. He’s only been there a handful of times, and the guys are all nice and they let him stay but Regulus knows he should really be there. The diner is different. James could stay here all day and it wouldn’t matter, he’d be allowed to sit at the counter and annoy Regulus until the night was done. It’s just not fair that when James misses Regulus and he’s at work he can just come here, and when Regulus is missing James he has nothing. So, yes, he should be fighting James. He should tell him he needs to go and actually go through the shifts he was scheduled to complete, but he’s weak and he’s missed him. Sue him.
“I might be able to get out early,” Regulus comments. “It’s Lily supervising today.”
“Which means you could get out here an hour late,” James muses.
Regulus shakes his head, “She owes me.”
“For what?”
Regulus shrugs, “I’m sure we can come up with a reason.”
Lily’s a pretty easy manager to deal with, all things considered, and that’s mainly because she’s only a manager every few weeks when none of the other ones can do it. She knows what it’s like on the floor, she knows how difficult it can be. She also knows that sometimes there’s simply no work to be done. She turns a blind eye when she finds one of them in the wait station with a plate of fries sitting beside them. Regulus would stay and help her close, he wouldn’t mind doing it for her, but with James also on the table there truly is only one option for him to pick.
James rolls his eyes, “You’re ridiculous.”
“That’s my line,” Regulus murmurs.
James laughs, and it’s such a beautiful sound. It’s almost overwhelming the way it circles Regulus completely. It overtakes him, doing him in. Regulus never understood it before, what love does to a person. He hadn’t felt it this powerful before. He feels it pushing against his skin at all times, more more more. He’s not sure who he is to even be able to ask for more, but it’s there. The love he has is too much for his chest to contain, it’s all too much, and he’s only asking for more.
“I can stay with you the entire time, how about that?” James suggests, “Even if you have to close.”
“Don’t you have other things?” Regulus questions.
“Only you, baby,” James says, “Only you.”
Regulus narrows his eyes, sitting up fully, “When do you leave me again?”
He knows there has to be some kind of catch, and James is always clingy, he’s always around. Regulus wouldn’t have it any other way, but there are signs. There are times where Regulus knows James is being around all the time to make up for something he feels like he’ll be missing soon.
James' eyes flicker, a candle in a dark room. He finds it again quickly bouncing back, he shakes his head, “Never.”
“James…”
James sighs, “Alright fine,” he says quickly, “I have a twenty-four-hour shift this weekend.”
Regulus pouts.
“But!” James adds quickly, “After I’ll have my two hours off and it’ll all be spent with you, I promise.”
“You’ll be asleep for most of it,” Regulus mentions.
James hardly ever sleeps on those long shifts even when he has the opportunity to. Which leaves him exhausted by the end of it, even if there weren’t any emergencies for him to handle. He ends up sleeping most of the first day away, once he slept for almost eighteen hours straight. Leaving him very out of it and also very grumpy that he only got to spend one day with Regulus before having to go back. Considering how tired James has been recently, almost falling asleep on the counter several times this week as Regulus has been cleaning up, he doubts James will be up for doing anything on his two days off.
“I won’t sleep then,” James tells him. “I’ll be awake the entire time and with you.”
Regulus shakes his head, “No.”
“You can’t control me,” James says.
“Yes, I can,” Regulus argues simply, “And you’re not going to stay awake just to be with me. That’s ridiculous, you’d die.”
James shrugs, “We all gotta go some way.
“You’re not going any way,” Regulus tells him. “You can come over, I'll stay home.” James starts to smile before Regulus adds, “But I’m making you sleep for at least ten hours after your shift.”
“Ten hours!” James exclaims. “You’re just wasting our time together!”
“That’s my final offer,” Regulus leans in.
James finishes the way, kissing him quickly, “You’ll stay with me the entire time?”
“I promise,” Regulus kisses him again.
“Alright fine,” James says, “I’ll sleep.”
“Good,” Regulus whispers against his lips.
“Regulus!” the voice shifts and fizzles, a firecracker in heat. Regulus' gaze is drawn to the window, to stare out at the fuzzy landscape folding around them.
“Lily’s calling,” James says quickly, finding Regulus’ eyes again.
“Reg!” Lily’s voice comes in full force now from the counter, “Your break ended ten minutes ago!”
Regulus shakes his head, “Yeah yeah,” he grumbles, sliding out of the booth, not before James grabs him to kiss him on the cheek.
“I’ll be here the entire time,” James murmurs, his voice dipping under the waves, Regulus feels it in a way he hasn’t ever before.
There’s humming coming from the kitchen, Regulus hears it as soon as he steps into the house and hands up his coat. It’s a warmth that spreads around him, the crackling of a fire against his cheek. Quickly he walks through the hall, floating into the other room without thought. He finds James standing at the counter, humming some tune of a song playing on the radio. Regulus recognizes it but only through James. He always picks a song and hyper fixates on it for a week. Singing it insensately without stopping, it gets lost in that head of his until nothing else matters but finishing the line. Of course, after the week is up he refuses to ever listen to it again, or at least until several months have passed. Regulus should probably find it an annoying routine to find himself in, but he doesn’t. He welcomes it instead, falling back on it, learning the words of the song too so he can mumble it under his breath as James does.
“I brought the stuff,” Regulus tells him, dropping the bag of groceries on the counter.
“Thank you,” James beams, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. He starts rifling through the bag, taking out the apples and inspecting them one by one. He got the idea in his head that he needed to make apple pie this very instant, and of course, Regulus had none of the stuff for it. So he had to go out and get it.
“Are you sure you want to make your own crust?” Regulus questions, unpacking the other bag, and placing each item on the counter.
James scoffs, “I can’t believe you just asked me that.”
“It would be easier!” Regulus exclaims.
“It would be awful,” James argues. “You have to make your own the stuff they sell is crap.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but he’s smiling all the same, “And you know how?”
“My mama taught me,” James tells him. “She used to make at least ten every fall when I was back home.”
“Ten?”
James nods, “She loved making them,” he explains as he gets everything ready, “Plus most of them she gave away. Our neighbors never went an October without one. They always wanted to pay her for them but she never let them.”
“I wish I could’ve met her,” Regulus murmurs softly.
James smiles sadly, looking back, “She would’ve loved you.” He adds, “Dad too.”
James lost his parents a couple of years before meeting Regulus, but he talks about them like they’re alive. Not in the way that he’s denying it, or pretending they’re still at home. In a sweet way, a beautiful one. He talks about them with so much color in every describing word it’s hard to remember they’re not around anymore. Regulus is almost jealous of how easily he talks about them. It’s not fair that James has so many words and Regulus has so little. James always says it would be good for Regulus to talk about it too but he can’t. Every time he even thinks about mentioning his brother his throat feels like sandpaper, and his lungs feel like they’re on fire. He can’t do it. He’s not as good as James. So he says nothing. Every memory only exists in his own head, never to be held by another soul.
“They would’ve forced you to sit down and look at all my baby pictures,” James keeps going.
“I wouldn’t have been forced,” Regulus says. “I could embarrass you, that's fun.”
James scoffs, turning back to him with a smirk, “I was an adorable baby, there’s no embarrassing me.”
Regulus laughs, shaking his head, “I’m sure they would find an embarrassing story to tell me.”
“I’m sure,” James says, turning back to the bowl.
The silence that follows isn’t constricting. It’s not forced, it’s simple. Regulus sneaks by James to make two cups of tea, leaving one by James before jumping on the opposite counter to watch. The windows are open, bringing in the crisp smell of fall and Regulus is lost in how lucky he is to be here. It’s a weird feeling to cling to. Every second he’s here he’s always waiting for the moment he wakes up. The moment he realizes this is all but a dream he’s still that sad kid sleeping in his childhood bed. Then every morning he wakes with James and he realizes it’s nothing but an awful thought lost in his head.
“Hey, James?” Regulus calls out.
James looks back, “Yeah?”
“I love you,” Regulus tells him, finding his gaze easily.
James’ face falters before lighting up, “I love you too, baby, always.”
Regulus smiles into his cup, and there’s nothing else. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s beautiful. A moment he wants to fall back on and stay wrapped in forever. Covered by warmth and a place to call home. There’s nothing outside the window. There’s nothing outside this room. It’s home.
“Where are you taking me?” Regulus pulls back on James’ arm but he keeps dragging him anyway.
James laughs quietly to himself, “I’m surprised you haven’t guessed it yet.”
Regulus falters before it falls around him. They end up in the familiar clearing, with the big oak trees hanging overhead. However, this time there’s something new. A plaid blanket is laid out in the grass directly in the center. Held down by a bottle of cider chilling in ice, and a basket filled to the brim, almost overflowing with everything James stuffed inside it. “Oh.”
“Is that a good oh?” James questions, taking Regulus’ waist in his arms.
Regulus opens his mouth just to close it again, “It’s okay,” he settles on.
James laughs softly, kissing Regulus' cheek, “You mean thank you, James, I love you, James.”
Regulus scoffs, lightly, “Whatever you want to tell yourself,” he says before taking a seat and dragging James down with him.
James takes control to take everything out and open the bottle of cider pouring a glass for each of them. The bag is filled with sweets mostly. Cookies, slices of pie, and tarts, but it also has cheese and crackers which James lays out nicely on the blanket between the two of them.
“Why did you do all of this?” Regulus finds himself asking.
It’s not that James isn’t a fan of big gestures. He loves these sorts of things. He loves getting Regulus gifts just for the sake of getting him one, it doesn’t have to have a special occasion backing it up. He loved planning extravagant dates to take Regulus on, their own little adventures during their days off. He loves making everything as romantic as he possibly can and has been doing it since the beginning. So much so that it honestly should’ve scared Regulus off, he’s not sure why it didn’t. What he’s saying is this isn’t a big thing for James, honestly compared to everything else it’s small. Yet, Regulus still finds himself asking as if there’s something else James is hiding.
James shrugs, “Just wanted to,” he says, clinking their glasses together before taking a sip, “You don’t like it?”
“No, I love it,” Regulus answers honestly, before narrowing his eyes, “I still want to know why.”
“I love you,” James supplies. “There’s no better reason than that.”
“Alright,” Regulus says. He can’t argue with that and he doesn’t even want to. He grabs the plate of tarts instead, taking the apple one before splitting it in two. Handing the second to James.
“You’re not gonna say it back?” James pouts, his brown eyes going wide.
“I love you too,” Regulus tells him, then he drops his voice after, “I really do,” he adds.
James hums, “Good,” he says, taking his hand to leave a lingering kiss on his palm.
Time shifts, and for a moment the ocean is back, resting against Regulus’ neck. He smells salt air and hears the rushing of the incoming tide. He blinks slowly. He feels it against his ankles, as it consumes him, eating away at his skin.
“How much longer?” he hears himself say, but he can’t remember forming the words in his mouth. They fall off his lips before he even has a chance to question them. He thinks they’re lost in the sea, never heard above a whisper.
Until James says, “What?”
“How much…” Regulus takes a breath, trying to take it all in. He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. With his eyes closed now he looks down and still finds his hands shaking as the forest only grows around him. “Longer do you do we….” His words fall, clumping together in heaps on the ground. “How much longer do we stay here?” He finally makes it all out, but the words don’t come from his mouth. He’s not sure where they come from, but he knows he didn’t make the words.
He feels warm hands on his cheeks and falls forward into them, “Open your eyes.” After he hears, “Come on, Reg, please open your eyes.”
When he does he sees James in front of him again, and his mouth goes dry. “Oh.”
“Are you with me?” James' eyes are red with strain.
Regulus swallows thickly, “Yeah,” he mumbles, taking a breath he lets in the fall air. It smells of dirt and decay but he takes it all in anyway. “Sorry, I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay,” James tells him softly, caressing the side of his face. “It’s not your fault.”
Regulus tilts his head, “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” James drops his hands, only to pick up Regulus’ from his lap. “We’ll stay here as long as you want,” he answers.
There’s something more to the answer. Something Regulus can’t see, and it’s trapped in his chest. He’s not asking for a lot. He’s not asking for a long time; only forever. God, does he want forever.
He sniffles, brushing away the tears he didn’t realize had fallen until now. The tears don’t even feel like his own, and they taste like the salt of the sea. His entire body shakes with it, he’s unraveling, coming undone. It’s almost as if his entire body is consumed by it. He’s nothing but water and he’s sinking into the soil beneath him, becoming one with the world again. He’s certain if James wasn’t holding his hands he would fall right through, but maybe even that’s not enough. He’ll slip through the cracks anyway.
With a breath, he looks around him, and he doesn’t recognize any of the trees. It looks like the clearing out beside his house but it’s different, it’s darker than it was the last time he came here, and that one big tree isn’t here anymore. There’s not even a stump, there’s just a smaller one in its place. Regulus finds himself wanting to walk over to it and trace his fingers over the bark but his legs are numb and he can’t move them. James taps on his cheek, dragging his gaze over again.
“Where are we?” Regulus whispers.
James’ smile is watery, and he strokes Regulus’ cheek, “We’re on a picnic,” he answers simply, not at all concerned with Regulus’ sudden bout of amnesia. Almost as if it happened before, but Regulus can’t remember a time in which it would.
He swallows thickly, “I want to go home now,” he mumbles, his head going fuzzy with the noise of it all. He clings to James as the only thing he knows.
“Okay,” James whispers, moving to stand, “We can go, come on.”
“We need to take everything…” Regulus’ words trail off as he trips over his feet.
“I’ll get it later,” James tells him simply, gently pushing a loose strand of his hair behind his ear. “Let’s just get you home, yeah?”
Regulus nods slowly, “Okay,” he whispers, before letting the fog take him over. He feels one foot hitting the dirt after the other, for a little while, and then that goes away too. The only thing that lasts is the feeling of James’ hand on his waist, walking him home. Not once growing impatient as Regulus tries to get his legs to work again. The tide of a powerful being. Regulus didn’t realize how powerful it was until this moment. It’s overwhelming. It’s too much, and yet not enough. He finds himself dragging his body along the shore to reach it again, if only to have a final taste of salt on his tongue, as the waves sing him to sleep. He’s never been worth much of anything, he’s not sure what power he has in him to even ask for more, but he’s asking. God, is he asking.
He’s on the couch. Covered completely with blankets and surrounded by the dark room around him, and TV is flickering but he’s not even sure what’s on. It’s late, and exhaustion is taking him over, but each time his eyes close he forces them open again. He can’t sleep, not yet, he’s still waiting. There are times when he doesn’t remember what exactly he’s waiting for, and he’s thrown through time, but he knows there’s something. He’s always waiting for something. It comes to him when his eyes are much too tired to stay open, and half his face is shoved into the cushion. A cold breeze comes from the doorway as footsteps approach him. He picks his head up at the sound.
“Oh…” James' face forms a pout as he walks over to the couch, leaning over to press a kiss on Regulus’ forehead. “You didn’t have to stay up for me.”
“Wanted to,” Regulus tells him in-between a yawn, “Thought you were gonna be home earlier.”
James hums, “I’m sorry I didn’t call,” he takes his face in his hands. Even upside down, they fit perfectly around Regulus. He’s sure he could write something about it if he were a poet, but he’s not so he’s left with nothing to capture this moment with, besides the feeling it gives him. Regulus can feel the scar on James’ palm against his skin and he leans into it, coating himself with familiarity. He missed it, he’s not sure how he could miss it, he just had it this morning, but that feeling still overwhelms him. What a terrible thing, to miss something that you’ve never been without.
“It’s okay,” Regulus whispers softly, fighting to find James' gaze. He gives it easily, meeting Regulus’ eyes without another thought. “I would’ve stayed up anyway.”
“Stupid,” James whispers, leaning down to kiss him.
Regulus hums against his lips, “Missed you.”
“You have me for all of tomorrow,” James promises, “And tonight.”
“Good,” Regulus murmurs. He finds his eyes closing against James’ palm, it’s so easy. He never found himself having an easy time falling asleep before James came along. He never felt safe enough, like there was this omen standing above him. There was always something wrong. This bad feeling in his chest he couldn’t shake. He swore he was cut in two, straight down the middle through his ribs. It wasn’t until James that he realized it was possible to stitch himself back up.
“We need to get you to bed,” James laughs softly, and it’s the instrumentals of Regulus’ favorite song. It’s the gentle hum of the wind just outside his window, and the power of the ocean tide. He wants nothing more than to capture it in a bottle and keep it in his room. No, it’s not close enough, he wants to put James in a locket and wear it around his neck. He wants to hold him close for all eternity. He never wants to let him go.
Regulus shakes his head, grumbling, “No.”
“No?” James questions, rubbing circles along his jaw.
“You just got home,” Regulus whines.
Even with his eyes closed Regulus can tell James is smiling. He doesn’t even need to hear it. He just knows. “Tomorrow, I promise. For now, you need sleep.”
Regulus pouts, opening his eyes enough to look at James again. He’s so soft in the night, the lights cover him completely but don’t drown him. He remains steady, a glowing beat in the darkness. Regulus puts his arms up, “Carry me.” It’s not a question. James doesn’t take it as one.
His smile only widens as he walks around the couch, “I’ve got you.”
Regulus almost makes a comment about how the fire-fighter carry was made for this, but he can’t form the words. He lays his head against James’ chest instead, seeking out the fever of his heart. When he finds the beat he latches onto it, hearing it pound against James’ ribs. He leans into it if only to hear and feel its power. As if he’ll listen to it enough and it’ll fall into his own body, giving him the same strength. That maybe one day he’ll be as good as James is, as kind, as graceful. He knows he’s not very good. He knows James is so much more. He’s so big Regulus can hardly hold onto him. James loves so big and he has the heart to match it. Regulus is frail in comparison, but he’ll cut off the hand of anyone who tries to take him from him.
James lies Regulus on the bed, carefully and gently, wrapping the blankets around him to cover him in the warmth. He only leaves him there for a moment or two before joining him. The bed creaks beneath his weight but it’s a welcome sound, one Regulus clings to. James is the first to reach out the second time, taking Regulus into his arms, and bringing his hands to his hair. Regulus keeps himself awake to feel James scratch softly across his scalp, but even he’s not strong enough to keep himself here. It doesn’t take long to lose himself again. Dipping beneath into the ocean floor again. The sand is soft beneath his hands. It reminds him of James. Of an unspeakable being without a name.
The diner is next to empty and Regulus is sitting on the opposite side of the counter than he should. He’s on the clock, but there aren’t any seats in the kitchen and he couldn’t care less at this point. There’s no one here besides the old couple who only order ice teas no matter the weather and take up a booth in the back for hours. Plus they’re not even in his section, so it’s not like it matters. No one can stop him from slumping against the counter and doodling in his guest checkbook.
“Shouldn’t you be working,”
Well, there’s one person.
Regulus looks over his shoulder to find James walking through the door. He’s wearing his grandpa sweater, it’s covered in roses and he refuses to take it off for all of winter. He must’ve gotten it out of the back of his closet early this year, not that it’s that surprising. “I am working.”
James hums shortly, “It seems like you’re sitting down on the job,” He says, “Should I get the manager?”
“The manager is in the back making out with her employee,” Regulus comments, “I think I’m safe.”
“Waiting for your turn then?” James questions, lifting an eyebrow.
“Oh yeah, exactly,” Regulus replies, leaning back to him as James comes up behind him. “Lily should be out here any second, she’ll tag me in.”
James rolls his eyes, leaning down to kiss Regulus on the cheek, “Pandora can fight me if she so much as suggests you go back there with her.” He bites Regulus’ jaw softly before mumbling against his skin, “You’re mine.”
“You started it,” Regulus teases.
“Uh huh,” James mumbles, pressing his face deeper into Regulus’ neck.
“I thought you had a few more hours on your shift,” Regulus comments.
“Frank’s covering for me,” James mumbles.
“Does he know he’s covering for you?” Regulus questions. He’s only met Frank a couple of times. He’s normally a pretty chill guy, but the one time Regulus met him on the clock he was a whole other breed. He didn’t let anything fly, especially when he was put in charge. Everyone had to be where they needed to be. Even the two seconds James stole to meet with Regulus was too much. Regulus didn’t even stay; he was just stopping by with coffee and then leaving again. It was one of the twenty-four-hour shifts and Regulus is weak truly, he didn’t want to go that long without seeing James. Even if it was only for a minute before running again.
James hums shortly, “Probably.”
Regulus bites back his laughter, “You should go back.”
James shakes his head, tightening his grip on Regulus’ waist, “But I just got here.”
“You shouldn’t even be here in the first place!” Regulus tells him.
James moves away enough to show Regulus his pout, “Reg…”
“No,” Regulus pushes him away, turning around on the stool to face him fully. “If you go back to work right now I’ll meet you there right after.”
James gives him the eyes, the patented James puppy dog eyes that always do him in, “Really?”
“Yes,” Regulus promises, taking his hands just to squeeze them three times in a promise; a vow. “I’ll come see you.”
“Even if Frank threatens to kick you out?” James questions.
“Even if Frank threatens to kick me out,” Regulus repeats. “He can’t get me to leave.”
James hesitates before nodding, “Alright fine,” he says, “But if you’re lying to me you’ll have to deal with me sulking all night when I’m home.”
“Don’t I deal with that every night anyway?” Regulus jokes.
“Haha,” James rolls his eyes, leaning in to kiss him quickly before he walks off, pointing to him as he says, “You promise!”
“I promise,” Regulus repeats, “Now go!”
Regulus makes good on his promise, and walks into the fire station with a bag of pastries and two cups of coffee. One with an unbelievable amount of creams and sugars. So much so Regulus wouldn’t even think it’s consumable if he didn’t watch James drink at least three of them every time he comes into the diner. He hasn’t been in the fire station a lot, only a handful of times and even then it’s only for a second or two before he ends up leaving again. He’s not really supposed to be here, but depending on who’s on the clock he can make do with staying a little longer.
He’s expecting to surprise James, he got off a little earlier than he planned on. Mainly because no one was there, after he got his after-jobs done there wasn’t really much else for him to do. There was no point keeping him on the clock. Normally he’d get a little pissed off for being the one to be let go, but this time he practically begged Pandora to pick him. Not that it was that hard of a choice between him and Lily. Sure, Regulus might be her best friend, but he’s not really the best distraction on slow days like Lily is. James finds him first, he should’ve known he would. He always seems to ruin Regulus’ surprises, he’s always a step ahead of him.
“You’re here,” James comes from behind him, immediately resting his chin on Regulus’ shoulder.
“I said I would be,” Regulus says, pulling away to hand him a cup. “Where’s Ember?”
“Oh, I see,” James slings his arm around Regulus’ shoulder, “I see why you’re actually here.”
Regulus smiles innocently, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t,” James rolls his eyes, kissing Regulus on the cheek before taking him off, deeper into the station, in the direction of one of the back rooms. They keep beds for the longer shifts, in case they have time to catch some sleep. They normally settle in there if no one’s trying to sleep. It’s easy to explain why James would be in there, and it’s a place where no one will bother them. They can sit on one of the beds for at least twenty minutes before someone comes looking for them. Which doesn’t sound like a very long time, but here it most certainly is. Before James can bring him there though he takes a sharp left, over to the kitchens. Regulus looks at him questioningly but follows him anyway, before sitting in the seat he pulls out for him.
“Figured it’s better in here,” James explains, “So we won’t get crumbs on the sheets or anything.”
Regulus nods, “Right makes sense,” he says, grabbing napkins to lay the danishes on. “How’s the shift been so far?”
The response comes delayed, and when Regulus looks over at him James is staring at the doorway. Regulus looks back but finds nothing there, “What is it?”
“Nothing,” James says quickly, accepting the treat from Regulus’ hands. “Thank you for bringing this.”
“Of course,” Regulus mumbles, keeping his eyes on the door for a prolonged moment. When he finds nothing again he looks back over at James, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” James says quickly. “Everything’s fine.”
“Are you-”
“I’m sure,” James answers, grabbing Regulus’ hand, “Tell me about your day.”
Regulus opens his mouth just to close it again, looking back over at the doorway, “It was okay,” he mumbles, his voice trailing off.
“Reg,” James captures his attention again. “I promise it’s okay.”
“Okay,” Regulus mumbles, shaking his head at the horrible feeling in his chest. “It was really slow. I barely even had one table. I spent most of the shift folding silver and cutting lemons.”
James shrugs, “You did more than I did,” he says, “All I’ve accomplished is sitting here pretty much.”
“At least when you have a slow day it’s a good thing,” Regulus says.
“That’s true,” James smiles, but it’s weak, there’s something wrong with it. It’s shaky around the edges, turning his entire face fuzzy and unknown. “It’s been a nice day then.” His eyes flicker back to the doorway, as his grip on Regulus’ hand tightens. “You know what,” he says, quickly putting away the pastries before standing up. “We should hang out at the front.”
Regulus' eyebrows furrow, as he tracks him across the room, “What?”
“Yeah,” James says, “It’ll be better.”
“James-”
“Come on,” James drags him up, taking him back through the door again, looking behind his back where they came from as they stumble through the hallways.
“What’s wrong?” Regulus asks him.
“Nothing,” James answers quickly, but there’s something. There has to be something. “Ember is just out here,” he adds, “You wanted to see her right.”
Regulus hurries to match his pace, stopping him in the middle of the hallway before he can go any further. “What’s going on with you?”
‘Nothing!” James answers, but his voice is straining around the words, they don’t quite fit in his mouth. They don’t belong there. There’s something lodged in his throat and Regulus can’t see what it is exactly, he can’t feel it.
“James,” Regulus collects his face in his hands, forcing him to look down at him. “Tell me what’s going on with you.”
James closes his eyes, but Regulus sees his tears before he hides them. James leans forward, resting his forehead against Regulus’ he’s open, he’s breathless. Regulus can’t breathe him in, there’s too much of him. Too much tragedy for a single moment to cling to. There’s a war in the middle of his chest and Regulus can feel it inside his own. It’s cracked down the middle, turning his ribs tired, their breaks endless.
“Please,” Regulus begs.
“I’m just-” James’ breath hitches, “I’m sorry.”
Regulus blinks “What for?”
James sighs, pulling away he opens his eyes and they’re oceans. They’re deep; endless. Regulus can’t feel the bottom of them. He can’t feel him. James strokes Regulus’ cheek, gently pulling him in, “I love you,” he says, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“Jamie…”
“I love you,” James finishes, with a deep breath. “I love you, Regulus.”
Regulus reaches up to grab his wrists, “What are you doing?”
James smiles sadly, “Don’t worry.”
“You know I do,” Regulus tells him, but James is already pulling away and dragging him away again. Regulus needs to go. He can’t stop him again. He’s not sure why he feels it so desperately like it’s clawing in his skin. He just knows he can’t stay here. So he goes. James is right behind him, glancing behind his shoulder after every step like there’s someone coming to take him away. Is there someone coming to take him away? Does he hear footsteps running after him? Is that why he’s looking back?
Before Regulus can question it he’s back in the front room and James is leading him to take a seat. There’s only just one but James doesn’t seem to mind standing. Regulus tries to stand with him but there’s a force bringing him back down again. His legs are too weak to move. They shake whenever he tries to put his full weight on them.
“James, what’s happening?” Regulus asks him, but James doesn’t look over at him. His gaze is stuck on the wall in front of them. Regulus looks down to find James' hands shaking by his side. He’s not holding the bag of pastries anymore but Regulus can’t remember him putting them down. The coffee cups are gone too. Regulus isn’t sure where either. Everything is blurry. He’d go back for them but his legs don’t work, not the way they’re supposed to.
“Nothing baby,” James whines.
Regulus eyebrows furrow, “James?”
“It’s okay,” James says quickly, “It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t understand,” Regulus whispers.
James turns to face him again, falling to his knees to hold his face in his hands again. “Look at me.”
Regulus does, he doesn’t have anything else in him. He doesn’t have anything else he wants, “James, please.”
“I’ll find you again,’ James promises. “It’ll be like it has been.”
Regulus blinks slowly, “What are you talking about? Where are you going?”
“You’ve been happy right?” James asks, pushing his hair out of his face. “Right? You’ve been happy?”
“Yeah, really happy,” Regulus mumbles.
“Good, good,” James mumbles, more to himself than anything. Quickly he kisses Regulus on the forehead but even that is quick; too quick. Regulus longs for more, he needs more, he’s asking, god he’s asking. “I love you. I’ll find you.”
“What are you-” Regulus takes a breath and he’s not in the ocean anymore. He takes another, and another, until he can’t breathe out. It’s too much. It’s all too much. It’s too... It’s too... It’s too...
“Reg.”
He shakes his head, blinking quickly but he can’t remove the haze, it consumes him completely. He’s lost within it. He reaches out trying to hold onto it again. He longs to be consumed. He longs to be endless. “No… no…”
“Regulus,” Sirius comes in full view as he grips onto Regulus’ shoulders.
Regulus' body is a crash landing. It’s harsh. He’s bleeding but he can’t find an open wound. It takes him a moment, and then another, and when he’s fully back in his body he realizes he has no idea where he is. He looks around but finds nothing familiar around him, besides the gaze of his brother looking back at him. “What…’ he whines, blinking quickly as his chest rises and falls. “I don’t…”
Sirius' eyes flicker across his face, as if he’s trying to find a scratch of any kind, “What are you doing here?”
“Here?” Regulus mumbles, repeating irrelevantly, until he looks around and his location sets in. he’s at the fire station. He doesn’t think he’s ever been here before, there hasn’t been a point, but this is what he’d assume it would look like. He shouldn’t be here.
“He just wandered into the back,” A voice says from behind him.
When Regulus turns to look he doesn’t recognize the face, he’s honestly surprised. All this time in this town you learn to know everyone, and yet Regulus doesn’t know them. The name doesn’t reach his tongue. He doesn’t question it. He can’t find the words, they’re lost to him again. He doesn’t know why that keeps happening.
“He was in the kitchen when we found him,” another one says, “He was in like a haze, I don’t know.”
The original one speaks up again, “No matter what we said it didn’t make it through to him,” he explains, “He just looked right through us. We got him here and that’s when we called you.”
Regulus looks up at his big brother again and can’t find his gaze, he only has his grip on his shoulders, but even that lessens.
“What’s wrong with him?” Sirius asks quietly.
The fireman shrugs, “I don’t know,” he says lowly, “Has this happened before?”
Sirius opens his mouth just to close it again, “I don’t know,” he answers, “I just… maybe?’
They’re talking like he’s not here. Maybe he isn’t here. He’s not sure if he even exists at all. He’s lost in it all. He looks over at the empty doorway in front of him as if he’s expecting someone to walk in. No one does. He’s not sure what he’s expecting.
“I’d get him to a doctor,” the other guy says.
“Really?” Sirius asks, finding his grip on Regulus’ shoulders again. “You think it’s that bad?”
“I really can’t say,” the guy replies, “It’s just the look he gave us it was…”
Sirius finds his eyes again but it’s worse than it’s ever been. Regulus wants to hide from him again. He’s almost afraid of what he’ll do. Afraid of what it means.
“I don’t want to be sent away,” Regulus hears himself whisper. He sounds so small, maybe he feels that way too. He’s not even certain he ever got older than seven. Forever stuck at an age he can’t do anything at. He’s stuck in a place where he remains stagnant.
Sirius squeezes his shoulders before looking away again, “Thank you for taking care of him,” he pulls Regulus up. His legs are jelly, he’s surprised he can stand. “I’ll bring him home.”
“Try to keep him from wandering, yeah?” The first man says. “At least until you know what’s going on with him.”
Sirius nods, “I will.” He keeps his grasp on Regulus the entire way out of the door. Only starting to loosen up when they reach the car. Sirius puts Regulus in the passenger side, buckling his seatbelt for him. Regulus could do it himself, but he lets his brother do it for him. He’s not sure why.
The car ride is quiet. Regulus lays his head against the rest and tilts his head out of the window. The town is small. He hasn’t been in a car in a while, they normally just walk everywhere. He’s surprised Sirius even took it if he’s being honest. He hates driving it. He prefers his bike, but the streets in this town aren’t the best for it. At least that’s how he used to be. Now that he’s thinking about it Regulus doesn’t even know if that’s still true. Regulus is the only person in this town that’s remained stagnant.
Home is only a few minutes away, but when they make it there, and Sirius turns off the car he doesn’t get out. He takes a breath instead to steady himself before looking back over at Regulus, “I thought you were just doing it because you hated me.”
“What?” Regulus questions, letting the statement fall over him.
Before he can even understand it Sirius adds, “I thought you disappearing in on yourself was just around me. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me and that was why.”
Regulus blinks, “Sirius…”
“No,” Sirius cuts him off. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it? You tried to tell me.”
Regulus knows he should say yes. He should let himself be helped, but there’s this part of himself that doesn’t want it. There’s this awful part of himself that’s twisted up inside his chest. He longs for the ocean waves. He’s learned to love the taste of salt. He’s not even sure what it means. He’s not even sure what’s out there for him, but it doesn’t matter. “It’s fine,” he tells him, “I’m okay.”
“You’re not okay,” Sirius scoffs, “You’re not--”
“I’m fine,” Regulus cuts him off.
“You’ve been walking around as a ghost for three days, Regulus,” Sirius tells him. “That’s not being okay.”
Regulus shakes his head, “I’m fine,” he repeats, “Can you open the door?”
Sirius sighs, hesitating before clicking the lock, “Why don’t you ever talk to me?”
Regulus grasps the door handle before he says, “There’s nothing to say.”
The front door is unlocked when he goes in. He moves towards the stairs before he pauses, hearing a familiar humming coming from the kitchen. It coats his body, sending shivers across his skin, and ice throughout his veins. He follows the noise.
It brings him home.