Chapter 2
In the morning, Regulus is up early, but Sirius is up even earlier. The sun is barely up and Regulus can hear footsteps coming from the kitchen. When they were small they both learned to be quiet as they walked, simple ghosts haunting the halls. It was later when Sirius decided to go against it, purposefully making himself loud so he could be heard no matter where anyone else was. He wanted to make a sign, a fire crackling in the darkest night. Regulus hasn’t unlearned it, and he’s not sure he’ll ever. He was never meant to make a mark on this world. He walks silently and doesn’t even make the creaks on the stairs sound. It’s almost like he wasn’t there at all. After all, if no noise is heard how can one be certain he was truly there at all? While Sirius was carving his name on the banister Regulus stood behind him terrified of being caught. Sirius told him he would write it for him, he’d be the one getting in trouble not Regulus, but he still couldn’t do it. Regulus runs his fingertips over it now, tracing over the sloping letters. Sirius will always be here. He’ll have always existed. Regulus isn’t so sure he can say the same for himself. That’s the way it goes though, it’s always been that way. History is brutal and all it does is repeat.
Sirius is standing by the island as Regulus comes into the room, methodically tapping his fingers on the counter. He’s scribbling something down but Regulus can’t see what it is. He would ask but he knows he wouldn’t find an answer.
“Hey,” he calls out.
Sirius barely glances up, “Remus and Peter are coming over again today.” He says, but Regulus knows what it really means. Sirius wants him gone from the house all day again. It’s not as though he can blame him. Regulus has spent all his time outside of this town alone. He’s never bothered to find someone, knowing they wouldn’t care to know who he is in a week or two. He sits in his apartment and waits, but he’s not certain what he’s waiting for. He’s just filled with longing, and he’s afraid this is always how it’s meant to be. Before birth there was a prophecy made for him, he’s sure of it. He’s not sure how it’ll end. He’s not sure of the purpose, but he knows this can’t all be on him.
“When are they coming?” Regulus asks, tentatively stepping up to the counter.
Sirius looks up then, his eyes narrowed in question, “Why?”
Regulus shrugs, he feels so small, like a little kid again. “I was thinking we could have breakfast together,” he pauses, “If you wanted. We could go to the diner we used to go to.”
It’s right on the end of the main street and always filled with the same people. They all take up the same booths they’ve always had. It’s stuck in time, and most would probably find it boring but Regulus never did. He used to sit up there every single morning before school, kicking his feet on one of the high stools people watching as everyone ran around him. He’d watch the waiters rush around with trays and hot coffee. He’d watch the old couple in the back booth sending loving gazes toward each other while they filled in the morning crossword. He would watch the teenagers all in their friend groups, pushing each other around and laughing until tears came into their eyes. It always felt like the world was moving so swiftly around him but he was standing completely still. In the middle of it all, stuck in a place between time. He used to think it was a superpower. He used to think being ignored was a gift; it’s stupid.
“Not today,” Sirius says quickly.
“But—“
“Reg,” Sirius cuts him off, “Not today.”
“I miss you,” Regulus words cut through him, and open wounds break apart his chest. He used to feel Sirius’ white-knuckled grip on his ribs, keeping him grounded, keeping him here, but it’s all gone away now. There’s no one around to press their hands onto his skin to stop the bleeding. It’s only him, and if he’s being honest he doesn’t mind to stop it much.
Sirius scoffs, “You miss me?”
“Yes.”
“You haven’t contacted me in years, Regulus,” Sirius says, he’s not using his nickname, it sounds strange coming off his lips. Regulus feels it like a bullet against his skull. “You don’t miss me.”
“I do!”
“Then it’s your own fault,” Sirius puts him down quickly.
Regulus can feel his chest collapse and he swears his legs will go with it. He feels so small, a pebble at the edge of a raging ocean. An echoing wave above him, threatening to wash him out. He puts his hand on the counter, “Didn’t you miss me?”
Sirius eyes flicker up to him, there’s a crack down the middle of them, “Go away, Regulus,” he says, and Regulus is standing outside of it all. He’s standing at his door listening to him and his friends laughing so hard they started choking. Regulus was always on the outside of it, every time he tried to come in he’d be sent away again. Even the times Sirius did invite him inside he rarely talked, he was never talked to. It’s just the way it’s always been, the way it’ll always be.
“Okay,” Regulus whispers with a nod, trying to cover the break in his voice. He takes a step back and feels the crack in the flooring; the growing of the ravine. “I’ll be back later tonight then.”
“Sure,” Sirius says, looking back down at the counter, his jaw tensed. It’s a sight Regulus doesn’t recognize. He’s not sure where his big brother has gone. He searches for him and there’s nothing to find.
He opens his mouth but no words fall from his lips, he’s not even certain what sentences he’d string together. He’s just waiting for something more, longing for something other than this. Sirius doesn’t look up at him again, he simply acts like Regulus isn’t there at all. Walking off to the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Sirius rarely drinks it, at least he didn’t when Regulus last saw him. He hated coffee, and he didn’t particularly like tea either. He’d drink hot chocolate instead, it didn’t even have to be winter, it could be the middle of July and he’d have a cup of it in his hands. Regulus used to always have one too, if only to fight the separation of the two of them. He wanted to do everything Sirius did.
Regulus isn’t sure when the separation started, he knows they were close when they were small. When they were younger Sirius was the one running circles around Regulus. He was always around him, wanting interaction and comfort. Sirius brings Regulus with him wherever he wants, and Regulus follows him like a bird on a string. Regulus isn’t sure if he’s the one who made the ravine, but he knows it didn’t just start when he moved away. He knows it was there before. It feels like no matter what he does there’s a separation between him and the rest of the world, it’s slowly growing larger each day. He never thought Sirius would be included in that.
He ends up walking to the diner anyway, his feet carrying him down the much more familiar road. It’s much chillier than it should be, even for October, a gentle hush falling over the world. A coldness of a haunting as spirits lay heavy. He used to believe in it, at least Sirius made him. Sirius convinced him they could talk to ghosts, they’d giggle in his bedroom sitting in the closet pretending the wind was a voice instead of mother nature. Regulus would grow scared hiding under blankets and shudders. Sirius would be enraptured by it, he’d search out for the spirits instead of running from them. He used to say he made a friend. Regulus can’t remember the ghost's name now and he knows he can’t ask Sirius. If he did, Sirius would probably tell him it was nothing, or he didn’t remember, but Regulus does, he remembers everything. He remembers staring off at his brother while he talked to his ghost friend. Sirius never made a sound, he only stared blankly in front of him but when he snapped himself back out Sirius used to swear he was talking to his friend. It was the first time Regulus felt like he was losing Sirius. It was the only time he truly had him.
Regulus removes the image from his head as the little bell above the door rings out. No one turns their head to see who came in, and he seats himself in the corner booth, the place least likely to take up space. It’s early enough that not many people have come in, but it’s the same as it’s always been, down to the people in their booths. The old couple is in the opposite corner, doing their crosswords together trying to figure out the clues. The teenagers walk in right after him, hopping into their booth and immediately flagging down the coffee before they even settle in their seats. This one waitress leans on the counter with her guest checkbook out, doodling without a care to the world around her. The clatter of the kitchen is heard each time the waiters come in and out of the swinging door, and the short chatter of the other guests fills in the rest of the noise.
Too busy looking around Regulus doesn’t even register when a waitress comes over with a cup of coffee for him. She leaves the pot on the edge of the table before disappearing again without a word. He sets his head back and closes his eyes letting it all crash around him. He doesn’t have a place like this in the city, nothing ever stays the same there. He’s never particularly liked it, and he’s never wanted to move there, he’s not sure why he did. He’d always wanted to move out somewhere small, to a cottage in the woods, a place where his loneliness wouldn’t feel like a crater covering his entire chest. The weight of it would be less so. He wouldn’t feel on the outside of it all when there’s nothing to be on the outside of. It would be simple. He can’t even remember choosing to move to the city, it was like the plan was put in place before him. He had no choice. There was no fork in the road there was one door and he was being shoved through. He’s sure he had options, everyone always has options, but he doesn’t know. He thinks if he stayed in this town it would’ve drowned him. He’s already sinking and he’s only been back here for a day.
“Taking your break?” A voice comes from in front of him, and when he opens his eyes a man is on the other side of the booth. Reality shifts around him, the air growing hazy as he smiles over at Regulus. It’s soft, and fuzzy, like an old picture lost in a shoebox.
“What?” Regulus murmurs.
“Please tell me you have the full thirty minutes and I didn’t just show up for the last five,” he continues, without an explanation. The words are soft rays of sun on a hardwood floor, Regulus wants to roll around them, stretching out in the warmth. “We keep missing each other. I miss you,” he pouts and Regulus finds himself wanting to grab his face if only to smooth it.
He blinks, “I’m not on break,” he says simply.
“Is Pandora covering for you again?” He questions, “It’s not like Andy to just let you sit down on the clock.”
With another breath Regulus crashes into the waves, he feels them wash over him. He smells the salt air as hands grab at his skin, pulling him down…
down…
down…
down…
“I’m not working,” Regulus answers.
James’ eyes light up, “Really?”
“Switched shifts with Lily,” Regulus explains, “You’ve got me all day.”
James interlocks their legs under the table, and moves to grab his hand from the table, “Finally,” he says.
Regulus rolls his eyes, “You saw me yesterday.”
“Only for a few hours!” James argues, kissing his palm, “Plus I was working the night shift,” he says, “It felt longer for me than it did for you.”
“You should be sleeping,” Regulus tells him, knowing James won’t listen to him, he never does.
James brushes it off with a wave of his hand, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” he says, grabbing at Regulus’ coffee cup before drinking from it.
“Hey!”
“You have the entire pot,” James says when he puts it back down. “Plus I won’t make it through today without it.”
Regulus shakes his head, “When’s your next shift?” He asks, adding more to the cup before pushing it back over.
“Tonight,” James says.
“James!”
“What!” James exclaims, “It’ll be fine!”
“You’ll kill yourself one of these days,” Regulus tells him. “You’ll run into a fire and pass out from exhaustion before you can get back out.”
“That doesn’t sound like me,” James smiles into the cup.
“Uh huh,” Regulus hums.
James sighs, “I miss you.”
Regulus only stares at him.
James pouts, “Didn’t you miss me?”
“I need you to not die from exhaustion,” Regulus answers.
“Yeah, you missed me,” James softly kicks his leg.
The first time they met it was under similar conditions. James just got off a night shift at the fire station and came in slumping on the counter asking for coffee. Regulus had seen him around but he never waited on him before. He brought him his coffee, thinking it would be a simple thing. Firefighters had come in before and most of them took it to go, it gave them just enough energy to get back home and eat before crashing again. James got his in a mug, and as soon as he took a sip he was sitting back up, his eyes wide and shining. He was practically glowing, and to this day Regulus isn’t sure how he does it. He ordered a big breakfast and called Regulus over repeatedly when he knew all he was doing was standing around. He talked about his shift, and how he accomplished nothing but trying to befriend the cat that hangs around the station. Apparently, in the year that James has worked there the cat never so much as glanced at him. Always hissing if he got too close, but that shift she actually let him pet her and he was on a high from it. Regulus swears he mentioned it twenty times in the short hour he was there, but that might’ve been more so the exhaustion speaking than the excitement.
When he left he tipped way more than he should have, and Regulus didn’t think he’d ever see him again. He thought that was it, until the next morning when it happened again, and the next after that. Regulus groveled for the morning shifts, trying to do everything he could to switch for them. It wasn’t too hard, most people don’t like them. It’s always the same crowd and the tips aren’t great, plus you have to come in early, but Regulus did it. He never admitted it though, even after James wrote his number on his receipt and asked Regulus to call him. He always said it was just a weird coincidence that’s all.
James puts back an empty cup, pushing it towards him for a refill, which Regulus gives him before saying, “It’s your last one.” He says, “After this, you’re going home and you’re sleeping until your shift.”
“I don’t need that much sleep!” James argues, “Come on, please.”
Regulus doesn’t give in, “You have until that cup is done and then I’m leaving.”
“I’ll follow you,” James tells him, “Always.”
Regulus shakes his head, “I’ll go somewhere you can’t follow.”
“Hm,” James hums before setting down his cup, “Then I won’t drink.”
Regulus smiles shortly, “We both know you won’t last long on only two cups, especially these ones.” The diner always has really small cups, as why they leave the pot when they have one available so they don’t always have to run around giving refills. It might be a part of his job, a bit part on morning shifts, but it’s his least favorite part. In fact, he’s never gotten more pissed off here than when someone flags him down for a refill. There’s no reason for it, and truly they’re not doing anything wrong, and yet every time he picks up the pot he’s gritting his teeth. The only person he didn’t mind getting refills for was James, but that’s more an excuse to talk to him than anything else.
“I’ll survive on you alone then,” James says, pushing away the cup.
“How?” Regulus questions, his eyebrow raised.
“You’re pretty,” James reaches out, tracing his thumb down his jaw.
“That doesn’t answer the question,” Regulus tells him.
James hums sweetly, “Kiss me and maybe I’ll have an answer for you.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but leans forward, as James cups his cheek. James’ lips feel like waves against him. Not harsh, but powerful, dragging him wherever it wants him. James could take him anywhere he wants, whatever he wants. It used to scare him how much truth there is to that statement. It was an unsettling feeling in his stomach. He didn’t like not having control, but now he’d give all his control up and die in James’ arms if he so much as asked him to. Maybe he should be terrified. Maybe the sea should be a place of terror instead of comfort, but Regulus isn’t so sure.
James smiles as they pull away, “I feel much better now,” he says, “I don’t even need the coffee now.” Not even a second after he finishes he’s hiding a yawn behind his hand.
“Sure,” Regulus replies.
“Be nice to me,” James begs, “I just spent twelve hours saving people's lives. I deserve respect.”
“Are you sure you didn’t just spend twelve hours petting Ember?” Regulus questions.
“That was one time!” James argues, “She was sleeping in my lap and I couldn't move her!”
Regulus shakes his head, biting back his smile, “You’re ridiculous.”
“You love me,” James teases.
“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus mumbles.
“There was actually a fire,” James says, leaning his head on his palm. “Small one on the outskirts of town, you know that old barn?”
Regulus nods, “I would’ve assumed that would’ve just gone up in flames before you could save it.” It’s all dry wood at this point, and there’s no one there to take good care of it. The owners died a long time ago and no one has claimed it. It’s been decades, and it’s not useful for anything now, besides being used by teenagers who want to smoke in peace.
James shrugs, “Got there early,” he yawns again, “An anonymous tip got called on it.”
Regulus laughs softly, “Teenagers who still want their hang-out spot intact then?”
“Exactly,” James’ eyes droop, and Regulus has no faith that he’ll last even the next ten minutes.
He pushes the coffee cup towards him, “You’re falling asleep.”
James sits back up, shaking his head, “No, I’m not. I’m fine, tell me about your day.”
Regulus sighs, “You’re ridiculous.”
“You already said that,” James says, quickly, before walking around and plopping himself back down on Regulus’ side this time. “Move over.”
Regulus does as he’s told, leaning against the back wall so James can fit easily in his arms. He buries his head in Regulus’ shoulder, sighing contently as he wraps his arms around him. “And this is going to keep you awake?” He questions.
James nods slowly, humming sleepily, “Yeah, it is.”
Regulus kisses the top of his head, “The minute you fall asleep I’m waking you up and taking you home.”
James looks up, his eyes wide, “You’ll come home with me?”
“You need to sleep,” Regulus tells him.
James pouts, “You can sleep with me?”
Regulus kisses his cheek, “I have a shift early tomorrow morning. If I sleep now there’s no way I’ll sleep tonight.”
James huffs, “You’re mean.”
Regulus rests his cheek on the top of James’ head, “I could take you home right now.”
“No,” James whines, tightening his grip.
“That’s what I thought,” Regulus says.
Silence overtakes them until the only noise is the chatter of the people around them. It’s all the same, this is the way these things go. The teenagers jump from their booths and run out the door, leaving coins as their tip. The waitress at the counter calls out that she’s coming to clear and just give her a minute, but she’s been saying that for the last twenty and hasn’t moved an inch. Music is playing from the back of the kitchen, low enough that Regulus can only hear it when the door swings open. It’s a song he doesn’t recognize, or maybe he does, he isn’t sure. He knows the words as they come but he swears he’s never heard it before. Softly he rubs circles against James’ hip just underneath his shirt, lulling him into sleep. He doesn’t speak for so long Regulus is sure he is asleep but despite what he said he doesn’t try to wake him, thinking he’ll give him a little time before they go.
That is until James says, “You never told me about your day,” his voice is riddled with sleep and exhaustion, and he yawns at the end of his sentence. After he’s done he pushes his face deeper into Regulus’ shoulder.
“Well my day just started,” Regulus says.
“Your morning then,” James replies.
Regulus shakes his head, “I haven't done much. I was gonna stay home but decided to come here instead, I was just gonna have some coffee and then go out, maybe find a book or something.”
“Did you eat?” James asks, his voice soft and quiet.
Regulus hums, “Pandora made me have a bagel when I first came in here.”
“Thank her for me,” James smiles, Regulus can feel it against his skin.
“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus grumbles.
James doesn’t reply, he only takes a deep breath and is brought to silence again. It’s the quiet before the storm, the tide pulling in with a hush. Regulus closes his eyes with it, leaning back against the wall, keeping a firm grip on James. Trying to commit the weight of him to memory. Time fizzles out in the in-between and he’s not so certain he’s anywhere at all. His ears ring as James’ breath steadies over his chest. Regulus never really liked the ocean, he didn’t like how deep it went. He could never be sure what was lying underneath it, or what curses lay in waste underneath the surface. Whenever Sirius wanted to run in, Regulus would stay on the dry land, watching as Sirius dipped underneath the sea and came back up for air. However, at this moment Regulus doesn’t find himself falling into the ocean. It’s a simple tune. A gentle hum of a melody he can’t quite name. He swears if he listens hard enough he can hear it, a hum in the kitchen under the moonlight. The tide goes back out, and he opens his eyes.
James is fast asleep in his arms, his mouth open slightly and slack. Regulus brings his hands up to his face, brushing away his hair and playing with the ends of his curls. He runs the pad of his thumb over his cheek and he almost wants to keep him here. He wants to make him small and put in him a locket to wear across his neck. Waking him means leaving him and Regulus wants to keep him here. It’s better if he sleeps in his apartment though, he’ll regret it if he stays here the entire day. Regulus doesn’t want to put that on him, even he whines and complains the entire walk back over to his place.
He gives him ten minutes before he shakes his shoulders to wake him. James grumbles, squeezing his eyes shut, “No.”
“I told you if you slept I’m taking you home,” Regulus tells him.
“Wasn’t asleep,” James mumbles.
“Yes, you were,” Regulus laughs, “Now up.”
James huffs, sitting up as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. The morning light hits him just right, turning him soft. “You’re mean,” he says with another yawn looking back over at him.
Regulus can’t stop the smile on his face as he looks over at him before he gestures for him to move from the booth. Regulus puts down a ten on the table which is more than enough for what he got before dragging James out of the door. The air is crisp and attacks him, like coming up for air after being underwater for so long. He hesitates by the door, and the world tilts, he stumbles on his feet.
“Hey,” James’ voice calls out but it feels disconnected. As if it’s coming from inside. Regulus’ chest is heavy and full. “Are you still with me?”
Regulus blinks quickly, shaking his head, he turns around to find James there just as he was before. “Hm? Yeah, yeah I’m here.”
James’ gaze falters, there’s an ocean behind them, it’s an outpouring side, “Hey,” James steps up, taking Regulus’ waist, “I can walk home alone, okay?”
Regulus blinks slowly, “No, I was gonna—“
“It’s okay,” James whispers, “You’ve got plans anyway, right?”
“Not really,” Regulus mumbles, but James is letting go anyway. There’s a darkness behind his eyes Regulus doesn’t recognize. It’s not cold or callous, it’s something else. A much sadder shade than Regulus is used to, it’s deep Regulus can almost feel himself drown in them. He’ll never come up again.
James smiles gently, stepping forward again to kiss him, much too quickly in Regulus’ opinion. He hardly has the time to register it before he’s stepping away again. “I’ll find you again,” he says.
Regulus takes a breath, he smells salt, but he’s out of the ocean, “What?”
The man’s smile doesn’t falter, not even slightly, “See you around, love.”
Regulus is back on dry land, and he spins around trying to remember how he ended up here at all. He looks back to the diner, then back across the street. He shakes his head from it and checks his phone. It’s still only mid-day. He has hours until Sirius will let him come back to the house. Regulus doesn’t really have a plan, he never had one. He wonders if Sirius knew he didn’t have any friends and if he would still send him out here. Would he force him away if he knew Regulus wasn’t running toward anything? Regulus likes to think he wouldn’t, he would let him in like he did when they were little. Regulus could sit in with his friends even if they didn’t care about them either way. Regulus would never tell him though, it’s years of lies for no point. It’s only pathetic, and Regulus doesn’t feel like being pitied. He longs for a connection that he’s never once had besides Sirius, and it doesn’t even feel like Sirius feels that connection anymore. Regulus is alone in it.
He goes to the library. It’s the one he always used to go to. It’s small and only has a few shelves. He used to spend most of his time here, picking up books and reading them in a day. There was a point where he vowed to read every single book, and he got really close before moving away. He thinks he was just a handful away from doing it. Minus the dictionaries and thesauruses, he didn’t think those counted towards the goal. He doesn’t find himself going towards a book he hasn’t read, he’s sure they’ve gotten new books since he’s been gone and his goal is much too lengthy to squeeze into the few days that he’s here. He instead goes to one he’s read more than any of the other ones.
The jacket is worn and flaking off in several places due to people checking it out so much. It’s a book from sometime in the eighties, and Regulus doesn’t even remember when he read it for the first time. He hasn’t been able to find it anywhere but here, and he’s certain he’s the only one who’s ever checked it out here. It’s about two lovers, who find each other in every single lifetime. There’s supposed to be a sequel but either it wasn’t written or Regulus just hasn’t been able to find it. When he first read it he thought it was sweet, he fell back on the romance of it all. Maybe not even just the romance, it was more than that. It was the connection between the two lovers, the knowledge that no matter where they went or the places they were sent they always found each other. He always thought of himself in the lover’s shoes, he thought of someone finding him in every single life. He was a very lonely child, but this helped in a weird way, he thought that out there was someone who lived every other lifetime with him. Out there somewhere they were waiting for him to find them, they were waiting to find him. Now he’s not so sure. He thinks it’s silly. There’s an echoing silence in his chest when he thinks of it. He knows there’s no one out there waiting for him. He knows better now that fiction is simply fiction, nothing more. It’s a stupid story that comforted him when he was small and his mind was malleable. He knows better now, and yet he still checks it out.
He doesn’t have his card but the librarian recognizes him, and the book clutched in his hand. She smiles softly at him and lets him leave with it. “We were going to weed it anyway,” she says softly. “In all my years we've only had one boy take it out. It's yours.”
Regulus smiled softly as a response, and gave a quiet thank you before stepping out into the street. He’s almost afraid the book will disappear from his hands, crumbling into a heap of ash on the pavement. He keeps a hold of it to the gazebo, it’s empty, and everyone else walks around it not preaching the vicinity of it. Regulus tries to shove it all away, ignoring the screams of children’s laughter, and the rush of cars around him. He looks at the pages instead, and they take him home. He hears the ocean, in the back of his head, the gentle hum of the waves lulling him to a place beyond here. A little castle on a cloud, to roll around and soak up the sun. He becomes time’s plaything and nothing more. He allows it to take him whenever it wants to take him. Lost in a haze even he doesn’t recognize. The words on the page lift up around him, cradling him softly in a blanket made of wind.
He’s in a dark passageway, looking back through the hall. It’s complete darkness, there’s nothing on the other side besides a spark of a flame. Small enough he can hardly see it, if there was any sunlight it would be washed away. He walks towards it but he’s pushed away, back into his corner, he can do nothing but watch as it grows larger, taking up the entire exit. There’s a wall between him and the rest of the hall, the rest of the world sits and waits. The warmth licks the walls, coming after him, and he closes his eyes toward it, letting his head hit the back wall. He doesn’t feel anything at all; he’s a concrete wall.
By the time he’s aware enough to fall back into his body, it’s already growing dark, the sun disappearing between the horizon and the trees. He gets in these moods, he grows dazed and maybe he doesn’t exist at all. He’s not certain. It’s lasted for long periods of time before, trapped in a room on fire, with no exits or urge to flee. The longest it happened was a month, at least from what he can remember. One second he was in his apartment watching the ceiling fan spin and the next he was standing in the middle of the road. It was night, and there weren’t any cars on the road. No fear of being hit or killed; a fawn in blazing lights. It was summer when he went away, but there was a chill in the air, and all the trees had grown orange and yellow. It should’ve terrified him but he just went home and laid in bed for the rest of the night. Sometimes he prefers it when he goes away. It’s easier to stomach. Easier to swallow. There’s always something missing when he’s back here. Always something he can’t quite grasp. Coming back to his body feels wrong, his bones aren’t quite right, and his skin rests over them uneasily.
Regulus stops by the grocery store on his way home, his feet carry him there without a thought. He runs his fingers down the aisles, mindlessly walking as if he’s expecting to stumble across something. It’s not a very big store, he can see everyone in it from the moment he walks in but he peers across the shelves anyway, trying to find a rock not yet overturned, or a shadow hidden in the dark. He finds nothing. He goes to the front, picking up a candy bar before paying and quickly leaving. He leaves it in his pocket on the walk home. He spends it trying to spot the sun from in between the trees, it almost looks like flames if he looks at it the right way. He swears he smells smoke. It’s hiding in his lungs, licking up his chest and filling him entirely.
The house is quiet and dark when he ends up on the porch, but he knows Sirius is inside. He can almost feel it, he’s not sure how to describe the feeling. It’s a small string on his back, pulling him up, almost like a puppet to be toyed with however the other seems fit. He finds Sirius where he was last, sitting at the kitchen table as if he hasn’t moved at all.
Regulus slides the candy out from his coat and slides it over the table, “Got this for you,” he says. His voice sounds small, as if he’s a kid showing off a pebble he found in the backyard.
Sirius barely glances up at him, his voice dull, “Thanks.”
“Yeah,” Regulus answers, stepping back, but he can’t fully disappear, he’s still stuck in the room. “I was thinking…”
“The funeral is in the morning,” Sirius cuts him off.
Regulus’ shoulders slump, “I know.”
“I’m leaving early,” Sirius says, he opens his mouth to say more but Regulus gets to it before he can.
“I can come with you,” Regulus tells him, “Help set up, or anything you need.”
“I don’t need anything,” Sirius replies quickly, “It’s all handled already. It’s fine.”
“Okay,” Regulus whispers, looking down. He’s never wanted his brother to look at him more now than before. It was something he took for granted before, he never thought it would be something he could take for granted. He thought he would just always have it.
“I won’t be here to make sure you get out of here on time,” Sirius continues. “I don’t want you showing up late, Alphard doesn’t deserve that.”
“I’m—“
“If you’re gonna show up late I’d rather you just not show up at all,” Sirius finishes quickly.
“Oh,” the word punches the air from Regulus’ lungs, “I’ll be there on time,” he says, “I can be—“
“You just don’t have the best reputation,” Sirius replies. “You’re always getting to things late. You’re so spaced out all the time it’s like…” Sirius sighs, finally looking up at him, but it’s not what he wanted. There’s pity behind his glassy eyes, and something else, grief, exhaustive grief. He shakes his head, “Just don’t be late.”
“I won’t,” Regulus tells him.
Sirius nods, clearing his throat he pushes back his chair scratching on the floor, “I’m going to bed,” he says, “I’m tired.”
“Goo—“Before Regulus can finish Sirius is already out of the room and climbing the stairs. Regulus listens to his footsteps above him until his door opens and shuts. He takes a breath letting his entire chest drop, he looks down to find his hands shaking, lost to him.
The candy bar is still sitting on the kitchen table.