“Hey Mary, aren’t you going out with us tonight?” Lily asks while fiddling uselessly around trying to close her necklace at the nape of her neck.
“Nah. I think I need some cozy alone time.” Mary can practically feel Lily rolling her eyes at her. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Still, Mary can’t really seem to be bothered by it. Granted, it kind of shows that Lily likes having her around. What doesn’t make sense though is the fact that Lily doesn’t seem to realize this, despite it being so obvious.
‘So, why don’t you just tell her?’ Marlene must’ve asked her that a million times already.
And each time Mary answers in the same way, ‘This is something she has to find out for herself. Sometimes you only know certain things when you know them. I could tell her now and she probably wouldn’t understand.’
‘So, she doesn’t know?’ Marlene had asked the first time Mary told her.
‘Oh, don’t be thick. Of course she knows. But clearly, she doesn’t know. Theres a difference, you know?’
‘The only thing I heard was know and now that doesn’t even feel like a word anymore,’ Marlene had replied, shaking their head.
Of course, they only let the topic rest for a couple of days before arguing their case again, but Mary had remained stoic ever since. She hadn’t changed her mind. Still hasn’t. She is determined. Lily must find out for herself what it is that she truly wants. And if that turns out to be Mary – great. If it doesn’t, also great. Well not for Mary though, but she will survive.
Over the last few weeks though, Mary could sense a real difference. Despite slowly emerging doubts, she had stuck to her strategy with ironclad determination. And now it seems to finally pay off.
“Okay but, you can’t you do it tomorrow?” Lily’s voice brings Mary from her thoughts back to the present.
“You know what? You’re right. I should spoil myself and treat myself to two cozy nights. That’s a great idea, Lils!”
“Haha,” she replies lamely, “that’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
“So, tell me what you mean then?” Mary raises an eyebrow as if its’s an invitation to a duel.
Almost immediately Lily grimaces and starts to pout.
“You know…I...I just…you” she stammers, clearly irritated. Her face begins to glow a bright pink. Mary doesn’t respond. She waits a few more seconds but when Lily doesn’t say anything else she continues knitting. As she had expected, this action drives Lily nuts. She hears Lily gasp indignantly and has to try her hardest not to smile.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Lily called out, a mixture of confusion, anger and something else. Insecurity perhaps?
It makes Mary look up to her. She wants to ease the situation somehow. Wants to smooth out that wrinkle hat has formed on Lily’s forehead. Wants to touch her and never stop touching her. Wants to tell her how much she actually wants to accompany her. Or how much she wants for her to stay. How her day always magically gets better when they are spending time together.
How she is truly and undeniably, honestly and in an almost heartbreakingly way in love with her. That she can’t really remember a time when she wasn’t. That she’s all hers if she just says the words. That she is even if she doesn’t.
There is no reality in which Mary doesn’t love Lily. And she wants her to know that.
But right now, there is only one thing or her to do. Only one thing for her to say.
“I’m waiting on you,” she replies as gently and softly as she possibly can.