Drunk on You.
“Sirius, love,” Remus greeted as he slowly entered the guest room where they were allowed to stay for the night. Lily would be sleeping on the couch.
Sirius lifted his head slowly from where he’d been glaring at the floor. He was on the bed; hands fisting the edges. He’d been quiet all evening, and Remus had continuously sent him worrying glances. Lily and Dennis had managed to be more subtle about it.
“Hey,” he breathed.
Remus moved over to the bed and sat down on the edge, too. He took Sirius’s left hand in his and fiddled with the rings. Sirius let him.
“Hi,” Remus said softly. “How are you?”
“I don’t know,” Sirius said honestly.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Remus asked.
“With you, yeah.”
Remus nodded, urging Sirius to talk.
“That guy, Evan, he’s my—my brother’s friend. Evan is Regulus’s James. Evan and I also had a friendship of sorts. We could talk rather easily to each other, at least.”
Remus’s thumb brushed over Sirius’s knuckles.
“The waitress, Pandora, is his sister. I suppose she called him once she recognised me. I never spoke a lot to her, but Regulus was always quite fond of her. I don’t know why she called him—Maybe she thought someone should tell me that my parents are dying.”
“Maybe, yeah,” Remus said softly. His free hand brushed a strand of hair behind Sirius’s ear. “Maybe not.”
Sirius leaned into Remus’s side, his head on the taller man’s shoulder. “I don’t even care, Moony. I don’t give a fucking shit that they’re dying. May they rot and suffer, I’m sick of caring for them, but Evans also said…”
“That your brother misses you,” Remus finished for him lowly.
“Yeah,” Sirius breathed. “I don’t really know how to feel about that.”
“Do you miss him, too?”
“I hate him. Well, sometimes. Depends on the day, really.”
“Do you want to see him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay.” Remus carded his fingers through Sirius’s hair. “Give it a bit of thought, yeah? We’ll do whatever you want to do.”
“I don’t even have the number to his home,” Sirius said. “He must’ve moved out by now.”
“I know, but we can figure out stuff like that. One step at a time.”
One step at a time.
Maybe Sirius should’ve faced the ghost of his brother, too; then maybe he’d feel indifferent about all this. Even as he thought it, he knew that wouldn’t be true. He hated his brother, and he loved him. He hated his parents, but he’d never loved them. Not truly, he’d simply longed for them to love him.
Regulus was his baby brother; his first best friend, and Sirius would always long for him, even if seeing him would just result in punching his brother in the face.
Maybe he would, someday, but right then, he couldn’t decide.
After that, Sirius’s mind drifted to Regulus more often than not when he had quiet moments alone. His brother missed him. He could’ve lived without that information. He brought it up to Remus, sometimes, when his mind would wander to the lines of overthinking.
Did his brother miss him as in he wanted to see him? Or did Regulus miss the brother he had before Sirius became a dirty queer?
Sirius had never thought a lot about what his brother thought of him after that night. He’d been too busy feeling angry, but now those thoughts crept into him, which was silly. Regulus missed him. Evan had said that. Evan, who was Regulus’s best friend. Yet, the thoughts still came, and more often than not, he sought out the comfort of Remus’s arms. Remus always held them open for him; the hook that would always pull him in.
In the moments when Remus held him and whispered soft reassurances in Sirius’s ears, Sirius felt the safest he’d ever felt.
*
February ended and March was upon them. Winter had left but the bad weather hadn’t. It was windy and rainy, still, and Remus found himself chain-smoking more often than not now.
The anniversary of his accident was coming up, which shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it felt like. It was just a day; just another date in the calender, but to Remus, it was a forever mark in his life.
Then there was his birthday. He hadn’t spared it much thought until the phone rang on March 3 while he had one of his chain-smoking shifts after work. Hank had let him leave a bit earlier since his leg had started acting up. Since he returned to the flat, he hadn’t fixed it with pain relief. He felt gloomy; he wanted to feel the pain.
It was almost a year ago.
He was on the balcony but the door was open to the flat. He got up; the blanket he’d used to shield himself fell to the floor. He grasped his cane and made his way into the living room. Each step sent a flare of pain up his leg.
One year ago.
In thirteen days.
One year ago.
Screaming. His screaming. Pain. Glass.
He’d had a nightmare that night and Sirius hadn’t been there to coax him through the aftershocks of it. Perhaps that was why he was in such a mood.
He reached the phone and brought it to his ear.
“Hello?” he greeted, voice monotone.
“Hello there, dear son, are you in a mood today since you sound like that?” Hope’s voice sounded through the phone.
A small smile spread on Remus’s face. “Sorry, Mum. Today’s just been long. How about this—Hello! Who’s there?” He ended the sentence on a fake, cheery note.
Hope hummed. “No comment. I wanted to talk to you about your birthday. It’s on a Sunday this year.”
“Well spotted,” Remus said dryly.
Hope clicked her tongue. “Where you get that sarcasm from, I have no idea.”
“Probably from that dude who left—What’s his name again? Ah, Lyall.”
“Okay, definitely in a mood, so I’ll keep this short,” Hope said. “I wanted to hear if you wanted to come over for dinner. I miss you.”
“Sure,” Remus agreed quickly. He felt bad for bringing up his dad. “That would be lovely.”
“I was thinking… maybe you could bring that boyfriend of yours, eh?”
“Is this whole invite just an excuse to meet Sirius?”
There was a beat of silence. “No?”
Remus chuckled. “I’ll ask him. He might have to work a shift on Sunday, but I’m not sure.”
“Lovely. Let me know.”
When they finished the call, Remus’s heart felt lighter than it had all day. He went out to the balcony to get his blanket and closed the door behind him. Just then, the lock to the flat’s door clicked and a beat later, it swung open.
“Moony, you home?” Sirius called as he stepped inside. His eyes landed on Remus and a softness settled in them. Butterflies basked in Remus’s stomach. “There you are.”
“Hi,” Remus breathed. “What are you doing here?”
“Just finished a shift,” Sirius said. “And I missed you. Your leg okay?” He inclined his head to the cane.
“Well, when has my leg ever really been okay?”
Sirius chuckled and went over to him, his arm draping around Remus’s waist. “C’mon. We’ll get some pain relief for you.”
Remus sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Fine.”
Sirius chuckled and guided him towards Remus’s room. “Been tormenting yourself because the date is coming up?”
“How did you know?”
“I know a thing or two about making oneself suffer,” Sirius said.
Remus wrinkled his nose and leaned against Sirius’s side even more as they stepped through Remus’s door. “I had a nightmare last night. Set the mood for the whole day, kinda.”
Sirius guided him over to the bed and took the blanket Remus was still clutching in his grip. He placed it on the bed next to Remus.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“You and James had a movie night—Don’t apologise.”
“Well, as fun as that was,” Sirius said and cupped Remus’s jaw, “I slept like shit without you.”
“Yeah?” Remus couldn’t help the smile in his voice.
“Yup,” Sirius confirmed. “Very much, in fact. Kept waking up because there wasn’t anything warm next to me. I was pathetic, really.”
Remus snorted. “You, pathetic? Never.”
Sirius bowed down to kiss him softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Remus mumbled. “Thank you for coming over.”
“Any time.” Sirius stepped back and went over to Remus’s bedside table, where he kept Andy’s products.
Seconds later, he returned and settled between Remus’s spread legs. “Out of your trousers, Moon Boy.”
Remus snorted—“You love telling me to get out of my trousers, don’t you?”—and began the work of pushing his jeans down to his knees. Pain shot up his leg and he winced.
“Yeah, I do,” Sirius said sheepishly. “Unashamedly.” He applied some of the cream on his hand and furrowed his eyes at the box. “We gotta go buy more again soon. I’ve also almost run out of cream for my back. Don’t need it much now that we’re going into the warmer months, but better to be sure. I also need something to keep at my flat for you, just in case. Hey, maybe we could go tomorrow? Or do you have wor—”
“Love,” Remus interrupted him softly, “you’re rambling.”
“Heh, sorry.” Sirius’s cheeks heated, and he started to apply the cream to Remus’s scared leg carefully.
Remus couldn’t fathom how Sirius didn’t mind the scars in the slightest. They weren’t neat and in lines. They were raw and ragged; ugly and harsh, zigzagging in low hills, yet Sirius touched the tissue with such tender hands it made Remus’s eyes wet.
Remus carded his fingers through Sirius’s hair. “My mum has invited us over for my birthday.”
Sirius’s head shot up. “What?”
Remus hummed softly, smiling. “She wants to meet you.”
“Meet me?”
“Yes, you.”
“Why?”
Remus startled out a laugh. “Because you’re my fucking boyfriend, love.”
“I—I’ve never met anyone’s parents before. Not that way.” Sirius swallowed. “What if she doesn’t like me?”
“Love, she’ll fucking adore you,” Remus chuckled. “She does already with how much I’ve told her about you.”
“O-okay,” Sirius stuttered. “That’s—Okay. Yes. Totally. We can do that.”
Remus kissed his forehead. “I love you, did you know?”
“Yeah,” Sirius sighed and leaned into Remus. “You make me feel so very loved.”
Remus folded his arms around Sirius’s shoulders. Sirius sank against his chest. “Have you given more thought to the whole Regulus situation?”
Sirius curtly shook his head.
Remus nodded. “Okay.” He inhaled, breathing in Sirius’s smell. He smelled a bit like ink and that familiar underlying smell that simply was Sirius. “Wanna head to the shower with me? I feel stinky.”
“Sure.”
Sirius stood, and so did Remus. He kicked his jeans off the rest of the way and then let Sirius drag him to the bathroom. Sirius kissed him and Remus kissed back. He’d once told Sirius that if they couldn’t be together in this life, they would be together in hell. Luckily, Remus got to experience heaven while having two feet on the ground just by kissing Sirius’s lips.
They undressed and Sirius turned on the tap. He yelped as cold water hit his shoulder, and he jumped back into Remus’s chest. Remus laughed and wrapped his arm around him. He wished they’d have music with them at that moment because he got the sudden urge to sway them like that; Sirius pressed against his chest.
“If we one day could get married,” Remus said, “which song would play during our first dance?”
“Love of my Life by Queen,” Sirius replied instantly and turned his head to Remus. He reached behind them, fingers carding over Remus’s scalp. “You’re the love of my life, did you know?”
Remus kissed him. It was an awkward angle but none of them minded. Sirius hummed in the back of his throat.
“I think the water’s warm now,” Remus said once they pulled apart.
They got under the water. Sirius’s hair soaked almost immediately and clung to his face beautifully. Remus took the shampoo from the small shelf on the wall and poured some into his palm.
“Turn your back to me,” he instructed.
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?”
“Not like that,” Remus chuckled. “Get your mind out of the gutter. What—did you expect me to use shampoo as lube or what?”
Sirius shrugged sheepishly. “Well, no, but—I don’t know.” He turned and Remus massaged the shampoo into his hair. Remus’s back was blocking the water from hitting Sirius, and goosebumps spread on Sirius’s skin. His hair foamed, and Remus made it stand up like a unicorn’s horn.
“You’re so fucking silly, did you know that?” Sirius said when he looked at Remus’s creation in the mirror above the sink.
“Yeah, now rinse.”
Remus switched spots with Sirius and quickly, the foam left Sirius's hair and instead trailed patterns down his body.
It was then Sirius’s turn to take care of Remus. They tended to do that. They took care of each other.
When they were both clean, skin pruning, they kissed. Long and deep. Remus fumbled for the switch on the tap to turn off the water. He gently pushed Sirius against the wall and Sirius moaned against his lips.
“When will Lily be home?” he panted.
“In hours,” Remus replied.
“Fuck yes,” Sirius breathed and flipped Remus around, so he was now flush against the wall instead of Sirius. Sirius slowly sank to his knees, lips trailing along Remus’s body as he did so.
Remus let out a low gasp when Sirius reached the point where Remus needed him the most. His fingers tangled in Sirius’s locks and his head rolled back against the wall.
Sirius was good at this, now. In the beginning, he had been unsure of what exactly to do and how exactly to do it, but now he went to the task with confidence; jaw slack, cheeks hollowed, eyes up and on Remus.
Remus didn’t last long.
Sirius stood and kissed him. Remus sighed against it, hands cupping Sirius’s face. An idea came to his mind and a small thrill trailed along his spine.
“Posh boy?” he whispered against Sirius’s lips.
“Uh-huh?” Sirius mumbled, stealing another kiss.
“Can you go stand with your front to the sink, hands on the edge, and eyes locked on yourself?”
“Why?” Sirius mumbled hazily.
“I wanna try something new with you—That okay?”
Sirius’s eyes were dark; the grey completely gone. “You can do with me as you like, Moony. I trust you.”
“Okay.” Remus tucked a strand of wet hair behind Sirius’s ear. “Get in position, love.”
Sirius almost fell on the wet tiles with how quickly he moved, but luckily, Remus caught his arm. "Oops." Sirius went to the sink, hair dripping onto the floor. Remus didn’t mind.
Remus came up behind him, eyes locked with Sirius’s in the mirror. “Don’t stop looking at yourself,” he said. He placed his hands on Sirius’s hips. “I want you to see what you look like when I make you come.”
Sirius’s breath stuttered. “O-okay.”
Remus smirked and began trailing kisses down Sirius’s spine.
Sirius’s scars weren’t ugly; not like Remus’s. They were fine lines that overlapped. They held an immense amount of pain in them and the reason behind them made Remus’s heart ache with sorrow and hate for what Sirius had gone through, but he’d never, not once, considered them ugly.
Perhaps that was how Sirius felt about Remus’s scars. He could hope.
He reached the small of Sirius’s back and went to his knees. Sirius was breathing heavily, knuckles white where he was clutching the sink. When Remus’s lips finally started to move where he wanted them, Sirius’s knees buckled.
“Oh,” he breathed.
“Yeah,” Remus smirked against him. “This okay?”
“Y-yeah,” Sirius exhaled. “Fuck—yes.”
Remus continued.
*
On Friday, the 8 of March, they decided to go out clubbing again to celebrate Remus’s birthday. Remus could tell that the whole ordeal made Sirius nervous because, on the way to Soho in the metro, he kept fidgeting with his rings.
“What’s wrong?” Remus leaned into his side to ask. He already had some idea about what it could be.
Opposite them sat Lily and James, immersed in a deep conversation about flowers. Well, Lily talked. James listened. The rest of their friends would meet them there.
“Nothing,” Sirius said.
Remus raised an eyebrow. “I can clearly see something’s wrong.”
Sirius exhaled. “It’s silly.”
Remus looked around quickly. It was relatively empty in the train car except for them. He took Sirius’s hand. “Of course it’s not.”
Sirius didn’t look up as he said, “It’s just… the last time we were there, there was that—that man.”
“Are you scared it’ll happen again?” Remus asked softly.
“Yes? No? I don’t know,” Sirius said. “It was just—really uncomfortable and not a great experience.”
“We can say fuck it all and go home if you’d like,” Remus said. “Rent a movie, have wonderful sex on the couch—”
“We can hear you, you know,” James informed them.
Sirius snorted. “Sorry, Prongs.”
James just grinned and returned to his conversation with Lily.
“I mean it,” Remus said, his focus once again going to Sirius. “Say the word and we’re going home.”
“I don’t want to,” Sirius said resolutely. “It’s your birthday celebration. And I missed our friends.”
“We can see them any time. If you’re not com—”
“Moony, it’s okay,” Sirius reassured. “I have you with me, yeah? It’ll be okay. It’ll be fun. It was fun last time.”
“Yeah,” Remus agreed. “It was. It was the first time you held my hand.”
Sirius squeezed his hand with a grin. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Remus said. “So much.”
They reached Soho not long after. Peter, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas were already in the line, waving them over.
“There you are!” Marlene grinned and pulled Remus in for a hug. “Ready to get plastered?”
“I’m gonna regret it so much tomorrow,” Remus groaned. “Being old and drinking does not go hand in hand.”
Sirius scoffed. “If you’re old, then what am I?”
Remus rolled his eyes fondly and pulled Sirius into his side.
“What are you planning to do for your birthday?” Mary asked.
“Sirius and me are going home to my mum,” Remus said happily.
“Oh, really?” Dorcas raised an eyebrow. “Meeting the parents already?”
“Then Remus gotta meet Mum and Dad, too,” James said. “They’ve been asking about Moon Boy every single time I call them.”
“Moon Boy?” Peter said. “Blood hell, and I thought my nickname was bad.”
Sirius snorted. “Nothing will ever be worse than Wormtail, Wormy, but you put that one on yourself.”
Peter clicked his tongue but didn’t deny it. The line moved forward.
Sirius stayed glued to Remus’s side as they moved into the bar not long after. James went off with Lily to get them all a round of shots. The music was loud and booming against Remus’s ears.
“Wanna dance?” he bowed down to ask in Sirius’s ear.
“Alright,” Sirius grinned.
James’s shots could wait a bit.
Remus pulled Sirius onto the dancefloor where many same-sex couples were already dancing. He pulled Sirius close to his body by the shorter man’s hips and began moving with the music. Sirius put his arms around Remus’s shoulders. Their foreheads rested together as they moved; every now and then their lips would brush.
At one point, Sirius’s thigh slid between Remus’s, and the innocent dancing turned in a completely different direction.
Remus hadn’t even had a single drink yet, but he felt drunk on Sirius.
“Sirius,” he panted after a while.
“Mhmm?”
Remus wet his lips and looked Sirius in the eyes. “Have you ever tried body shots before?”
Sirius’s eyes opened wide, while simultaneously becoming darker. “No. No, I haven’t.”
The corner of Remus’s mouth quirked up. “Do you wanna try?”
“Is that a challenge, Lupin?” Sirius asked with a cocked eyebrow.
“Nah, I just want my lips on you.”
Sirius swallowed and intertwined their fingers. “To the bar it is.”
Grinning, Remus let himself be dragged along. They reached the bar. Mary and Peter were sitting there, both seemingly already tipsy. They waved at him and then broke into a fit of giggles.
Remus shook his head amused and turned to the bartender to ask for the supplies.
*
James watched from the dance floor as Sirius propped himself up on the bar counter and Remus stepped between his legs.
“James?”
“Huh?” James directed his gaze to his girlfriend.
“What’s so interesting to look at that isn’t me?” Lily tsked and looked over to where James’s eyes had been just moments before—Sirius and Remus were now in the midst of a heavy make-out session. She returned her gaze to James, eyebrows furrowed. “Is it weird for you?”
James cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
Lily had her arms around his neck; their bodies swayed together. “You know, Sirius being gay and all that. Him being with Remus.”
“What?” James gawked at her. “Of course not! I could never give less of a shit about that.”
“Alright, alright,” Lily chuckled.
“I’m just—it feels right, in a way. Before, Sirius was never really openly with anyone, and now I know why. It’s just nice to see him being loved in a way he wants to be loved. Sometimes, I find myself looking at them, and I just feel so utterly thankful for Remus. He made Sirius take the step to feel okay about himself. Sometimes, all a person needs is a reason, and Remus was that reason for Sirius, and I just…” He sighed and looked at Sirius. “Oh, boy, they’re really going at it now.”
Lily followed his gaze. Remus had Sirius bent over the counter, Sirius’s shirt pushed up, and Remus’s lips dragging across his chest.
They both quickly looked away while saying “Body shots” in unison.
They both broke into a fit of laughter, and Lily looked at James with warm eyes. “I love you.”
James grinned and bowed down to kiss her softly. “I love you too.”
“Do you ever want kids?” Lily asked as he pulled away.
“Of course,” James said immediately. “I’ve always dreamed of becoming a dad.”
Lily kissed him again.
*
Remus’s lips were on is body and Sirius felt on fire. He had a lime between his lips and the juice made its way across his cheek. Remus was drinking the shot from his navel, and then he was moving up again, lips dragging over the trail of salt, and finally, his lips closed around the lime in Sirius’s mouth. Sirius’s mind was hazy, and his whole body was reactive to each of Remus’s small touches.
“I love you,” he whispered as Remus removed the lime from between his own teeth.
“I love you, too,” Remus sighed as he leaned in to kiss Sirius again.
From the other side of the bar, Peter, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas whistled in unison.