Warpaint

Bee

I was regretting choosing to meet here. I felt like a cloak of darkness would be better to stop too much gossip going around and the location of the quidditch pitch as it would be empty today. Maybe an element of James being on home turf came into the decision too. 

I performed a warming charm but it didn't seem to be making much difference to me if I'm honest. A nagging feeling of anxiety clung to my body if possible more dominant than the warmth of the charm. I didn't have any guarantees that he was going to show up. I don't know if I was relieved by the sound of footsteps coming up the grandstand stairs or not.  

"What do you want?"

I hadn't really expected a warm greeting but this was blunt for James. I started thinking about him as James again in my head because I knew that I didn't know how to talk to ‘Potter' or ‘JP' about this. I didn't know how to have conversations with them. Once I did know how to have a conversation with James though.

"I need to speak to you, it's important," I started not quite sure where I was going with this. How could I explain this? I settled on "I need your help,"

"Don't you think there were tons of time that I needed you too?"

This conversation had definitely taken an unexpected turn. We never really addressed why we drifted apart. It might have just been normal or natural apart from we still spent everyday together because he was attached at the hip to Lou. I think a quiet acceptance passed between us that somewhere we messed up and didn't know how to fix it so we shouldn't try. That's what I believed anyway. 

"I'm not the only one who is responsible for killing our friendship, James,"

"You didn't try to save it either," James answered. That's true.  "I don't understand why you hate me so much,"

Brief thoughts of hate had entered my mind on occasion but not in a serious way. I cared too much about him for that which annoyed me. I think I blamed him for triggering her illness but she had been ill for longer than his presence in her life. It wasn't really him.   

"I don't hate you. I never hated you. I don't like how you treat people. I loved your friendship so I could just overlook it then. You were dating Lou and I felt like I didn't know you anymore," I admitted. 

"Things with Lou were complicated," He shot back.

I invented the complicated dynamic with Lou. It wasn't as special as he thought. She wasn't an easy person to love but it didn't stop us from doing it anyway. Lou seemed to know how to bring out the best and worst of people. 

"Let me guess? You needed her because she filled something up inside of you. You weren't fully happy but she made you feel something. Hurting was better than numbness. Neither of you have the emotional intelligence to love each other wholly,"

"How do you even know this?"

My mum had already been ill for nearly a year when I met Lou. Lou was bright and made me laugh. I instantly gravitated towards her addictive personality. She made me feel like anything was possible. It didn't matter that I had been sad and unhappy starting Hogwarts. She taught me how to use my power and privilege in a way that I never truly knew before. We learned how to hurt each other but somehow that brought us closer together. We loved each other as deep as friendship could go but Lou seemed to control the darkest parts of me. James felt the same, I knew it. 

 "It's what she does, it's how I felt," I said "I don't think you even wanted to be so selfish, I know the parts of you that are so good and pure but you don't know what to do with those feelings either." 

The last few months taught me how to use the goodness in me. I had shown that I was capable of more than I ever thought. I think I loved myself again. I cared about the person I wanted to be. I hoped James could do that for himself because he deserved it. 

I wanted to hug him. So he knew that I cared and understood him. The gesture didn't feel right at this moment though. 

"I didn't ask for a psychological lesson," he snapped. So defensive as always. "I don't want to be like this but I don't know what else to be, how else to act. Why do you get to change and I don't?"

Why do I get to change?

I knew his words were genuine, even heartfelt but I honestly don't know what to say. Could I say, trauma? Something so deep that made me realize that I couldn't go on like I was. I was lucky enough to meet someone on that journey that loved and believed in me. He helped make it easier. Both my mother and Albus had shaped me into a better person. I escape those clouds of depression to be a happier person which not everyone gets to do. I stay silent. My change didn't come easily and neither would a change in James.

"Oh, she died, didn't she?" he asked, I think that he knew before asking the question.

 He was one of the only people who knew she was ill. I told him when we were friends. He knew how she came ill. I hadn't really gone over the reason for her death with anyone. I hadn't processed those feelings yet. I knew that I was going to face them to get Albus back. To let Albus into such an intimate part of myself. I was leaving that for another day. I had a task to do in this conversation. I brought him here to share Lou's secret. 

"Yes, she did. She died at the end of September," I recalled with a wave of sadness coursing through me. Grief is a weird thing. Sometimes you can function so normally then other days it feels like your whole life has fallen around you again. "Dad is trying really hard to keep it quiet which is why you haven't heard about it via press,"

"Your behavior makes more sense now. I can only imagine how going through that would change you. She was a lovely woman. I'm so sorry for your loss,"

I thought I would hate hearing ‘I'm sorry' but it felt okay to hear him say those words. He had met her briefly before she went into the hospital for full time care. ‘I'm sorry' was the natural response and I knew that he really felt that. He was more capable than he knew at making real human connections. He did want to change. Maybe we could both bury that business at new years in the hope that we were better now. 

"Thank you James, that means a lot to me,"

"I came here for a reason and I feel like we've drifted so far away from what I truly needed to tell you,"

"What is it?" He asked.

"I think Lou wanted to tell you herself but she didn't know what to say. I think she needs a bit more processing time. She wanted you to know that she's ill. She has an issue with potion abuse"

"What?"

There was the look of someone's world exploding around them. 

"You really didn't know?"

"I didn't know. We had some out of control evenings occasionally. I didn't think anything was truly wrong. How could I not have seen it though?"

"She's always been so good at hiding things and I helped her too. I regret it now of course but I can't change it either. She needs help. It's a big step to reach out to you,"

"How do I help?" he asked instantly. 

"That's what we need to figure out,"

I don't know the answer yet either but I could help him with that somehow. I had made a positive decision to distance myself from Lou. I knew that was the right decision but I can't dump this on James and walk out the door.

I stepped towards him and hugged him. I wasn't sure if he was going to reject it as I felt his body react with surprise. I don't hug people. I don't think I've ever hugged him before. I hugged him because I knew what he was going through. How hard it was to fight demons and I don't want him to feel alone anymore. It was a small gesture. His arm spread around me. We were in this together now. We had different roles to play but we wanted to help her.

*

‘Hurrry upp!!!'

Something about Tammi was so very endearing like why did that need three exclamation marks? I thought I was dramatic but I haven't got anything on this girl. I had become quite used to her excitable nature as she rarely ended a sentence via text without an exclamation. She had become a self appointed life coach for me in the last three weeks. She spent half the day telling me to speak to Albus and the other half texting me ‘did you know?' about some random fact she had picked up from somewhere. I had to admit that I loved her quirkiness. I loved her.

She had been very mysterious about where she wanted to meet up after I asked if she wanted to meet up. I assumed it was the kitchens but I wasn't going to burst her bubble. I had vetoed her first idea about having a picnic in Scotland as it was January. I turned out that I loved her but still not willing to freeze my arse off. We hadn't really met up in person because everything was going down. 

"Cominggg!!" I texted back with a smile. 

I hadn't really spent that much time near the Hufflepuff common room. Some people told me that you needed to crawl through barrels to get into the basement. Eve once told me a very detailed account of being sprayed in vinegar once trying to enter with an ex of hers. I knew their common room was somewhere quite close to the kitchens though.

"Hi, I'm so glad that you came," she bounced as I followed her path. She linked her arm through mine as we reached a point when two people could walk together. I wondered if she was worried that I might run away or something. I didn't have any intention of the sort.

"You can't tell anyone about our next location," she announced to me.

A sudden image of myself being doused in vinegar entered my mind. I think all that was left to do was trust her. I'm not going to lie that I breathed out a little sigh of relief as we approached a painting of a couple of pears instead. She presented me with the kitchens by tickling the pear. A dozen or so house elves were inside. 

"Can we get you anything, Miss Tammi?" One of the house elves asked her politely as they all jumped to attention upon our arrival. I recalled we learnt once there were hundreds of them down here at one point but numbers had slimed down over the years. "A hot chocolate for me please and Bee, do you want a coffee, black right?"

I think suddenly I felt very overwhelmed that Tammi had remembered my normal breakfast drink but something stopped me from saying that I wanted a coffee. Something in me wanted to smash up everything people knew about me. A hot chocolate seemed very appealing right now. "I would like a hot chocolate, please."

I noticed that Tammi had instinctively sat down at the long table which would normally represent the Hufflepuff table above us. "Did you know since Hermione Granger's house elves' act that they are paid for their work and have their very own common room to relax in?" 

"I didn't know that,"

"I thought you might want somewhere a bit quiet to meet considering it's you,"

I couldn't help feeling a burn of shame that she had chosen somewhere like here because she was so concerned about us being seen together that I might ruin my reputation or something. I hated it even more that a short amount of time ago that would have been true. I would have been conscious about that. I am a complete idiot. I was a complete idiot. 

"Next time, I'll come sit at the Hufflepuff table," I told her sincerely. 

"Really?" she smiled in surprise  "Well we would love to have you! I didn't mention that we would be meeting up but I know the girls would love to get to know you more, they're all dead friendly!"

I really didn't doubt that for a moment. 

"I wanna hear all about you," I tell her, "We spent too long focusing on me. I'm not that interesting,"

"Fine but you need to promise that you're going to talk to Albus soon, don't let him get away from you!"

"I promise, I'm going to talk to him, very soon,"

It seemed to be all that she needed to hear as she launched into a story about how she had been pretending to be bad at gobstones to attract some guy in the school's league. She was wondering if it would look too weird if she had suddenly gotten a lot better overnight or if she really needed to tell him that she was always better than him anyway? (Merlin, I hope she doesn't phrase it quite like that if she does!)

 I was quite glad that she seemed to already know that I was actually rubbish with boys and didn't really want my advice as such. She seemed to be happy to just off load the story onto someone else. I felt like she had been keeping it to herself for a while. I figured she thought she could share with me as most likely I had done something worse. I happily listened to her. 

*

"Hi you,"

Merlin, he made me so breathless. I wanted to reach out to him instantly. I hold myself back, our normal easy rapport didn't seem to be there. We were both hesitant to bring the conversation forward. I knew I was the one meant to be pushing this forward. I was nervous that he was going to take back what he said to me. He told me that he loved me. He loved me. ‘Mind blowingly in love with me'. The thought both excited and calmed me. 

"Hey," he said quietly 

"I don't want to be awkward around you but I do want to explain myself. I need to explain myself because I want you to forgive me," I say. I don't know how to start this. I was really nervous about it but he was so calm. 

"Okay, I'm listening," he said softly. 

His voice felt so soft  like he was ready for whatever I had to say to him. I wondered if he knew I was going to tell him. The idea seemed impossible.

"I never told you how my mother died. She died of a vanishing disease. My mother was the most vibrant and lively person in the world. She literally just faded away. No body left. Just gone.  I was so caught up wanting popularity because I needed people remember me so I felt anchored into the world that I didn't even see how unhappy I am trying to keep that going,"

That was the last secret. My last thing that I needed to open up about. The last piece that seemed to define who I once was. I was scared that disease would come for me too. At least people would know my name. Dad had thrown money into research and cures but nothing worked. I was hungry to be notorious as she got sicker and sicker. Since mum had died, I had become deadly ashamed of my coping tool. There would be plenty of time to dig deeper into that. Right now, I needed Albus to know what he meant to me. No holding back. Finally. 

"So cards on the table here, You are my real anchor and I wish my mum was here because I want to tell her that I've found someone who is so funny, kind and loving," I finished.

"You've been through so much more than I ever imagined, I wish you had told me, you can always tell me things,"

I knew that. I briefly thought about telling him about Lou but I knew that wasn't my secret to tell.  She could do things in her own way and time. He didn't seem like he cared about Lou anymore though. He seemed at peace with it somehow. 

"I know I should have but right now I just want to tell you that I'm totally and completely in love with you too, Albus Potter,"

"That's the best thing that you've ever told me," he bursted into the biggest sloppiest smile as he moved towards me. 

"I'm the biggest work in progress ever though," I said vaguely aware that this might turn into some ill time rambling. "and I'm a mess but I'm really trying to better and make good choices and I -"

He cut me off. 

"Merlin Bee, me too but I love you for the person you are, the person that you want to be and the person you'll grow to be, they're all versions of you"

He's a mess? 

He was fucking perfect to me. 

"Kiss me," I told him with almost a gasp of longing. He mostly certainly didn't need telling twice as he scooped me into his arms. He cupped my face with his hands and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. It felt like he was drinking in the moment, then he kissed me like there was no tomorrow. 

*

Albus

I was going to be late for Charms at this rate. I reckon I could get there in ten minutes if I was quick about it. I'm never late. I'm a chronically early person. Rose says it's a good thing but I know it's just an anxiety thing. This morning though, my head felt messy. All the business in the last few days, all the ridiculous stuff like potions plot against me, family therapy and argument and accidently ‘I love you' with Bee seemed like scenes from someone else's life. Maybe that craziness had even made me chill out a bit. I was happier being the not so anonymous middle Potter child.

"I want to talk to you,"

I was definitely going to be late for Charms now. 

My instant reaction was to be annoyed that I had been accosted by Lou Griezmann . This is totally the type of dramatic showdown that would happen in my life now. I kinda wanted to laugh. It didn't seem like that was a good idea though. Lou had her long blonde hair straight, pink painted nails and matching shoes. She reminded me of Barbie although she was missing the serene smile Barbie sported. A particularly enthusiastic muggle studies school project from Scorpius last year increased my knowledge of muggle toys way further than it needed to go. 

"I guess you're kinda cute," she says to me matter of factly. I think I've already missed a part of this conversation. I think she was having some internal conversation with herself instead of me because I was already a passenger in this conversation. 

"What do you want?" I asked, nice and direct. 

"It's not really about what I want, it is about what Bee wants," 

My ears pricked up at the mention of Bee's name even though she had clearly not answered my question. It had been a few days and I was trying to give Bee space. I was holding a little flame of hope that she would come back to talk to me. Once I told her that I would fight for her though. I still meant it. It did cross my mind that if Bee wasn't coming for me then I would need to go to her.

"What do you mean?" 

"Omg! you don't know then...you're literally the only one who doesn't then,"

Didn't know what?

I still wasn't sure what was happening in this conversation. She certainly wasn't being clear but maybe she never is. Lou seemed to be all smoke and mirrors. Bee seemed pretty keen on avoiding whatever truth lay beyond. 

"Bee is a very loyal person," she continued, "She was very loyal to me in a way that really hurt her. I'm a difficult person to be around sometimes,"

I knew Bee was loyal, it was one of the things that I loved about her but something I found confusing at the same time. Loyalty doesn't always make sense though. I know Bee's loyalty was born out of love that much was clear about her.

"I tried to be a good friend but I've been shitty to her instead. Everything I've done. I thought there were good reasons. She'll keep my secrets but I need to share with you. You'll understand her actions a little better,"

Lou seemed to be struggling with what to say next. She had been carrying this conversation and I had little to say or do. I think she preferred it like that though. Whatever she was going to say next was the reason that she had come to see me. I waited for her to speak. She was steeling herself up now. 

"I'm not going to go into the reasons why but I've got problems with substance abuse, mainly potions, Bee has been trying to help me all this time," She said, it was the first time in this conversation that she hadn't been staring at me. Her eyes flicked towards the ground. She seemed to be awaiting judgment.

 I guess things about Bee are starting to make a bit more sense now. She was trying to help Lou or protect her. Complicated seemed like a totally valid word for everything now. Bee had certainly not gone about things the right way but she was trying her best in the situation that she found herself in. I felt bad about our conversation now. I pushed her away when she was trying her best. I didn't know though.

"You don't have to say anything but I need you to know that you can't give up on Bee. She isn't  good with words sometimes but there are things she needs to tell you. Just don't give up. You two have something,"

She didn't wait around any longer. I didn't really know what to say even if she had. I waited in the empty classroom trying to digest what I had been told as the click-clack of her heels on the stone floor sounded further and further away.

*

They both agreed to meet but you could cut the tension with the knife in this room. It had been three weeks with barely a few words between them. It had been so awkward that in the interest of my best friends, I chose to stage an intervention to save us all. I wasn't getting very far though. 

Rose, who found it impossible to keep quiet for more than five seconds, sat in full silence for the last ten minutes.I kept wanting to check my phone. The silence was making me antsy. I knew I was going to have to do this myself if I was going to get anywhere. I knew I was treading on sensitive ground but I had to do something. Anything is better than this. 

"Are you going to keep fighting like this forever?"

"We're not fighting," Scorpius said flatly.

What was happening was worse than fighting though. They came here today for a reason though. Scorpius wouldn't have agreed if he didn't want to fix it. Rose had already tried to apologize once but it was right after I told her not too. Rose hates being ignored. She wants to make things better straight away but other people need time. She had always struggled with that concept.  I thought because he agreed to come that he was more open listening to her now.

"You both agreed to this," I pushed a bit further. The fact that we were plain ignoring each other was the bloody problem. I was starting to feel a bit like Astrid. Astrid wouldn't be quite this impatient though.

"He's right, we're not fighting," Rose announced. Rose often took this attitude when faced with a situation like this. I can do anything he can do better. It was her big fat stupid pride. 

"Rose! Speak now!"

"Fine, I'm so sorry about what I said to you. I don't think sometimes. I think my brain just leaves my body sometimes,"

"You can say that again," Scorpius grumbled. Perhaps a tiny bit of progress.

"I can't take back what I said about liking you because that's true. I'll have to deal with that myself but I can tell you that I didn't tell you about your grandparents to hurt you. I wanted to protect you but I got so emotional and it just came out,"

"You can't keep letting that happen. I chose my path. I didn't want to know what happened in the war. I chose to go into that situation blind because I wanted to give them a chance. That meant something to me. We don't all follow the same path and you have to be okay with that," he says. he spoke so passionately and everything about it felt so true, "Albus chose to push to find out and I know you just read your mother's old journals,"

I was half wondering how Rose found out more about the war. It's not like people just talk about it. It's all got these layers of mystery. When Scorpius took me about what Rose said then somehow I knew that was true. She doesn't really say things to be hurtful, not really. She's not very good when she feels attacked though

It makes sense that Aunt Hermione had journals though. She seems like a journal person. I wasn't sure how I felt about Rose having so much information but not sharing it with me. It was that information that got us in this situation to start with. I was getting the details when I was ready. I was thankful for that.

"I've made a huge mistake and I hope somehow you'll be able to forgive me because you are totally right. I have things that I need to work on. I don't know what to do with myself without you both,"

"Rose, you're my family. I don't know if that's a painful thing for me to say but going through all this change without you is so hard. I don't want to be mad anymore but I'm struggling to forgive but I want to though," Scorpius said "I miss you terribly,"

I knew it. I knew that he missed her. It was so bloody obvious. I wasn't sure if that family comment hurt her because it's certainly not what she wanted but Rose didn't seem to care. Her face lit up as his words. I think she just truly wanted him back as her friend above anything.

 I didn't know what would happen when Rose found out that Scorpius was seeing someone else because I was certain that was true. He wasn't ready to mention it but we'll cross that bridge when he wants to talk about it more. I think this experience has told us that we shouldn't push each other. Respect boundaries are important in friendship. It's what we needed our friendship to be.

Rose had thrown herself into Scorpius' arms. They gestured for me to join and I happily spread my arms around them both. I love these idiots. I hoped we had learnt something from this experience. I hoped we would grow from here. There was too much love here for it not to. We broke apart.

"There is something that we need to know though Albus, what's happening with Bee?"

That's a loaded question but I welcomed their happy tone. I had been waiting for her to come to me but maybe I needed to go to her. Lou's words from yesterday rang in my head though. Bee has things that she needed to tell me. I didn't want to push her but I wasn't ready to let her slip through my fingers. Nothing was going to change my mind about Bee. I hoped she felt the same way. My phone buzzed.

Can we meet? Our place? -  B x

"I've gotta go but I'll let you know as soon as I can!" I yelled as I charged off to meet Bee. Rose and Scorpius laughed at me as I ran off as quickly as my legs would carry me.  

*

I've always hated flying. I think some people say it gave them a rush that they don't get anywhere else. Now I knew that I wasn't really missing out because I was still on a huge high from my conversation with Bee. That was what true adrenaline felt like to me. I couldn't really believe that Bee wanted to be with me. She was a mess but so was I. It suited us fine for now. We didn't need to have it figured out. The biggest question in this moment was much simpler even if politically motivated.

"So do we sit at the Gryffindor or Slytherin table?" I asked Bee who was beside me "unless you don't want to be seen with me that is?" I teased.

I teased because I knew I could now. I saw perfectly that Bee wasn't going to change her mind about me or anything. In the last couple of days, we had been keeping a low profile but something about her shined even brighter than before. I think she felt unburdened in a way that I had never seen before. It was a good look on her. I know she had been nervous about being open about our relationship. It was okay because I knew it wasn't about me now. She was slowly unlearning things that used to be part of herself. I owe her patience and time for that. 

"Well now you mention it, you could have combed your hair a bit better," she teased back. "Maybe the Slytherin table?"

The Slytherin table suited me fine. I wondered if she was thinking about the blonde sitting in the middle of the Gryffindor table, or potentially Ethan and Brenda who had announced themselves as a couple a few days prior much to our amusement who sat alongside Lou. I guess those at the top of the social ladder would always need each other regardless if they liked each other or not. Bee laced her fingers with mine and we entered the great hall. 

I had never liked being the centre of attention but I knew that I had to expect something. The average Hogwarts student didn't really know anything about us. We were only hollow figures to them. people with reputations that didn't quite fit anymore. I had felt calm entering the hall but the whispers weren't subtle before I had time to dwell on this too much, a loud voice seemed to cut through the sea of loud chatter directed at us.

"Albus, Bee! Over here!" Tammi yelled from the Hufflepuff table. Tammi was waving enthusiastically at us. Surprisingly, sitting next to her was Scorpius laughing away. He also issued his own much smaller wave to signal us over to them. 

"Hufflepuff table then?"

"Hufflepuff table,"

We both waved back at Tammi before making our way over there.