Where are you?

It's dark outside, not even 2 am yet. And still, Remus lies in bed, more awake than he has been the whole day, the whole week even. The last few days have been challenging, his sad feelings have overcome at some point, and he hasn't left the bed, only if he needs to; he has been in and out of sleep. Who knew a human could sleep so much?

He doesn't know why this is happening right now, but he wishes it was over soon. He doesn't like this at all, feeling sad; it isn't something he can let out at night when he is alone; he bottles it up, not crying over it till it's far too late, and the sadness overflows the big bottle where it has been collecting.

So he lies there, eyes open but unfocused, still trying so hard to hold his tears. Pushing his head sometimes against his pillow to let out small sounds. He shouldn't worry about making sounds, though; he is alone right now.

That is probably one of the many reasons he is like this: he is alone, utterly alone. He doesn't like this at all, nor ally Sirius would be the one craving attention and snuggling against Remus, but he isn't here to keep Remus upright and his happy emotions higher than his sad ones.

So he still lays there, he will sleep again, maybe he won't, but he will try. Trying is better than doing nothing, but trying is so, so hard.

He rolls over to the side Sirius normally sleeps in; he doesn't usually do it. He isn't normally very big on emotions, but he misses him so much, too much.

He pushes his head into Sirius’ pillow, inhaling it, and not even a second later, he feels water run down his face; he presses his face into the pillow and hugs it tightly, letting out small whimpers as he tries to stop his tears from falling, stopping a minute later after realizing that they won't.

Remus doesn't know why he is sad. If it's about him being alone, the stress, or something else, he can't tell, but it's like a weight on his chest he feels all the time. All the time and everywhere, it only lifts when he sees him.

This beautiful person, his bright smile, the glimmer in his eyes when he smiles, his little dimples, the crease between his eyebrows when he focuses, the little face twitches he has when he is asleep, how he can always tell how Sirius feels because Sirius lets him see everything. Oh yes. He wants to see everything about Sirius, his emotions, and his body; he wants to make Sirius feel him, too, in the best way possible.

Remus is now in the space Sirius normally occupies on their bed, it smells of him, and it's so comforting, so much.

He crawls under the blankets Sirius normally uses, and he lays his head down on Sirius’ pillow; he feels bad for wetting the pillow with his tears, but he could take care of that later.

He lies there in his thoughts; he doesn't even realize someone is entering the room or sitting down next to him; he only realizes there is someone else. When he feels a soft hand glide over his arm, he stiffens. But relaxes just a second later
And he turns to the man sitting next to him.

His face breaks and his arms instantly find the body of Sirius; he hadn't told Remus he was coming back, not that he knows of, at least.

“What are you doing here?” Remus asks in a small voice as he is being held by Sirius. Remus felt Sirius take a deep breath and let it out again before he spoke quietly, “You think I wouldn't notice, Rem?” This made Remus go quiet because he felt like he had done something wrong. Was Sirius disappointed now that he has seen Remus like this, or is he now also sad? Remus couldn't bear seeing Sirius sad.

He slowly pulled back so he could look at Sirius's face, which was a big mistake because all he saw when he looked at this once overly smiley face was now a worried and forlorn look, a crease between his eyebrows, but not the cute one, the lovely one that Remus loves to smooth out when he notices it, it's the disappointed kind of crease.

Sirius’ hands traveled up his arms and shoulder and landed softly at both sides of his face holding it preciously, and a thumb circling over his cheekbone.

“You could have told me, Remus,” Sirius whispered, hurt in his eyes.

Remus opens his mouth, but nothing comes out though; it's a bad try to tell him that he didn't want to worry Sirius, or make him come back from his important work trip, fuck, his very important work trip. So he closes it again and presses his lips together.

He pulls Sirius closer, though; he will feel all the guilt later when he is alone again. But now he just wants to be in Sirius’ arms, being held by those arms, and maybe, getting a little kiss on his cheek like Sirius always does before going to sleep.

Sirius pushed Remus down by his shoulders so he landed on the mattress softly and he pulled off his jacket and boots.

Remus watches him sniffing occasionally; he sees Sirius stiffing a little every time he does so he tries to stop it. Sirius turns around to him and lays down next to him softly. His hair is loose and falls a little over his face so Remus moves his finger softly over his cheek to brush it behind his ear.

Sirius eyes scan over Remus's face. It makes him feel a little insecure, so he draws a hand to his face and wipes the wetness from his shedding tears again, but Sirius stops him after realizing what he is trying to do and his sleeve. Sirius is wearing a comfortable sweatshirt and brushes the fabric of his sleeve over Remus’ face.

“Don't use your hand; it will make your skin go red and itchy..” he says, and Remus nods his head only a tiny bit. He presses his lips together again and looks down until he feels the same hand as before caressing his cheek again, and he looks up.

“Tell me the next time you feel like this. No need to let it become this bad, just tell me, Rem, you know that I am always here for you.” Remus just nods because he doesn't know what to say to this. He leans into Sirius and presses his face against Sirius’ chest, and Sirius caresses a hand over his head, kissing his forehead softly.

“I love you, Rem”

“I love you too, Sirius" Remus whispers.