Mixed Signals

June 10, 1994, Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland.

He felt Katya’s legs wrap around him, holding him tightly, and a smile crept across his face. The sensation was so intense, so pleasurable, that he simply didn’t want it to end. It was as if the world had disappeared, leaving only the two of them in that eternal moment.

“Why?” she asked, her breath ragged, nearly gasping for air.

Severus could barely think. His mind was trapped in a haze of desire and ecstasy, a place so elevated that it felt impossible to put into words. He felt as though he were in paradise—the kind Reverend Sanders used to describe on Sundays when Severus, as a boy, had accompanied his parents to church. But this was something more, something more real. It was as if he were worshipping a deity, and that deity, Katya, somehow reciprocated in an inexplicable way.

He adjusted himself, deepening the passionate kiss, savoring every second as she moved over him with erratic, desperate devotion. If she had chosen him, there had to be a reason, right? Some connection that bound them, something he couldn’t quite understand but that consumed him entirely. Suddenly, she bit his lip with force, hard enough to draw blood.

“Why?” she repeated, her lips still pressed against his, and she bit him again, this time more aggressively.

Severus awoke with a start, gasping, his chest rising and falling violently as he struggled to catch his breath. He felt something warm and wet on his chin and immediately staggered to the bathroom in his quarters. Turning on the light, his reflection in the mirror stared back at him—disheveled, disoriented, an erection straining against his trousers, and his lip split open, bleeding.

Again, he thought. He washed his face with trembling hands, scrubbing with unnecessary violence, as if trying to erase the traces of what he had just experienced in his dreams. But he couldn’t. The echo of her voice, the pain of her bite—it all lingered, invading every corner of his mind.

Not being able to sleep wasn’t new to him. Nightmares had been his constant companion for years, but now, those sleepless nights had a specific face. Katya. His dreams were clouded by her, growing more intense, more real, and more disturbing every night.

He was convinced she had cursed him somehow. Perhaps it was a form of vengeance for what had happened in Vienna. And he couldn’t blame her. He deserved it after what he had done—abandoning her in that hotel after sharing the most intimate night of their lives. Now, every time he closed his eyes, it was as though Katya pursued him in his dreams, inflicting the same pain on him that he had caused her by leaving.

The dreams were always the same, an endless repetition of that night in the hotel, where desire and guilt intertwined in a toxic blend. But there was something more. In those dreams, Katya always found a way to hurt him, whether through a bite, a scratch, or words that echoed in his mind long after waking. Perhaps she was so angry that she had found a way to penetrate his dreams and exact revenge.

Sometimes, Severus wondered if Katya had used the connection they shared to add him to her list of victims. Perhaps she was nothing more than a succubus, a demonic being who had ensnared him and now delighted in his torment. Or maybe, he had simply become so obsessed with her that his mind had started to betray him. Perhaps she didn’t even remember him. The thought devastated him, but at the same time, it pushed him to desire her even more.

Whatever the reason, Severus was willing to endure it. Deep down, he knew: he deserved it. He had betrayed someone who, perhaps for the first time in years, had seen something more in him. And now, he eagerly awaited the nights because they were the only way to see her again, even in that erratic, painful state.

His encounters in dreams had become a kind of nightly ritual for him, something he couldn’t escape but also didn’t want to avoid. Each time he woke up sweating and gasping for breath, his first thought was, Have our letters crossed paths? He wondered if Katya had received the letters he had sent after Vienna—letters full of apologies and explanations, though he knew she might never read them. Perhaps she already sees me as unbearable, he thought bitterly. But still, he kept writing, as if the words could redeem him.

Meanwhile, the days at Hogwarts were spiraling into true chaos. The routine, already exhausting, had been disrupted by a series of events destabilizing both staff and students. The escape of Sirius Black was still a recurring topic in every corridor, whispered in clandestine conversations that filled the castle with palpable tension.

Severus felt it as a constant weight on his shoulders, a burden Dumbledore never ceased to remind him of. Each time the headmaster summoned him to his office, it was to insist that he monitor Harry’s movements closely or, most recently, the Malfoys’ whereabouts during the holidays, looking for connections to that detestable Peter Pettigrew.

And then there was Remus Lupin’s resignation. A departure Severus could only describe as cowardly. How dare he leave? he thought resentfully, recalling how he had revealed the Defense professor’s condition as a werewolf. Severus had despised him from the start, and seeing him abandon Hogwarts only reinforced his belief that Lupin had never been worthy of the post. The man had even approached him to apologize in person, and the mere act infuriated Severus further. Why apologize when it was obvious I was the one who divulged it?

The pressure mounted day by day. Final Potions exams were just around the corner, and Severus felt overwhelmed by the mountain of parchments piling up on his desk. He was tired of correcting mediocre work, tired of dealing with incompetent students, and above all, tired of Dumbledore’s constant demands. Watch this, watch that, the old man said in his usual gentle tone, but Severus knew each request was just another way to control him, to keep him bound to the promises he had made so many years ago.

Yet amidst all these responsibilities, there was something far more disturbing. Something that truly kept him on the edge of breaking—something he couldn’t ignore no matter how hard he tried: Katya.

It didn’t matter how many reports he had to draft, how often Dumbledore fixed him with that piercing gaze, or how many nights he spent sleepless over the insufferable boy and his antics. His mind always, inevitably, returned to her. In the most unexpected moments, her memory struck him like lightning, disrupting any thread of rational thought. Katya had become an obsession he couldn’t control, and every time he tried to focus on something else, her image came back stronger.

It was as if everything else in his life was tinged by her presence, even though she wasn’t physically there. While preparing potions in the classroom, he could see a hint of her eye color in the brew. As he walked through the halls of Hogwarts, the echo of her heels followed him. Even during his conversations with Dumbledore, he felt as though he were hearing the words through a veil—a filter that pulled him away from reality and plunged him into a sea of memories.

Severus constantly wondered what could have been if he hadn’t made the mistake of abandoning her—if he had been able to manage his own fears and desires. Every small gesture they had shared, every word exchanged in their letters, everything they had built over the years now seemed like a cruel joke played by fate.

Sometimes, alone in his office, he allowed himself to think about what she might be doing at that moment. How had her thesis gone? Had she managed to change jobs? Was there someone else in her life? Had she forgotten him entirely? Perhaps she’s laughing at me right now, he thought, with bitterness burning in his stomach.

He knew what he felt for Katya was irrational, even unhealthy, but he couldn’t help it. There was something about her that had ensnared him from the very first moment—something that made him feel both alive and vulnerable at the same time. And that duality was precisely what drove him mad.

Amidst all this internal chaos, Severus found a small glimmer of hope in the fact that there were only two days left until the end of term. Two more days, and then the holidays would begin. Finally, he thought, with a mix of relief and anticipation. In the solitude of his home, away from the constant interruptions and responsibilities of Hogwarts, he could dedicate himself to the only thing that brought him a strange comfort: dreaming of her. He could take a Calming Draught and let himself drift into those dreams that, though torturous, were the only way he could be close to Katya.