Someday
The next day, Regulus and Pandora began their walk to Potions as if nothing was amiss.
Barty and Evan had yet to suspect anything from their sparse interactions during breakfast, and in a way, Regulus was glad to just keep it between Pandora and himself. Barty was far too nosy for his own good and Evan was sure to pick his cousin’s side.
Regulus still hadn’t forgiven her. He would’ve been better off not knowing. She should never have–
He spotted James Potter walking towards them amongst the other students and his heart leapt. They hadn’t spoken yet since the night before. Regulus had forgone a morning round to the Gryffindor table after everything that had happened.
It won’t end well. The words played through his head. He felt Pandora’s eyes on him and his jaw clenched.
“Hey, Potter,” hissed Regulus as he neared James. James whipped around at the sound of his name. His gaze widened and softened as he took Regulus in.
“Hey,” he breathed back.
“Regulus,” whispered Pandora, tugging harshly on his sleeve. Regulus ignored her, pulling his hand out of her reach. He caught James’ arm as they met in the middle of the hallway.
“Can I have a moment?” he asked sweetly, looking up through his lashes, “With you?”
“O-of course,” stammered James, and he let Regulus pull him away from the crowd and round the corner. Regulus slowly let go of his arm, persisting with his upwards stare. “What is it?” asked James in an almost-whisper. Regulus looked down, then back up again.
“I just wanted…” he looked around to make sure no one was watching, “To do this…” He leaned up, hovering a few inches away from James’ mouth, almost tasting the air from his lungs, then veered slowly to the left to brush his lips to James’ cheek. James let out a shaky exhale, his eyes fluttering closed and then open. Regulus revelled in the sight.
“Don’t tease, Reg,” he pleaded, closing his eyes once more. “I can’t take it.”
“Well since you asked so nicely,” he muttered, leaning up once again, this time to capture James’ mouth in a crushing kiss. James’ hands flailed against him, scrambling for some kind of purchase as Regulus clutched his face.
He broke away, a little short of breath, and stalked off, holding James’ eye contact all the way, until he turned the corner.
Pandora was still waiting for him. She was standing stiffly where he’d left her, right in the middle of the hallway, with her arms clenched tightly around her middle.
“Come on, let’s go,” he said callously, and she followed him to potions.
***
Things with Pandora went much the same for the rest of the week. They would walk together as normal, without a word shared between them, not even when Regulus continued his persistent (and obvious) antics with James.
Any time they passed in the hallways or bumped into one another (which happened often enough for Regulus to suspect James might be orchestrating their chance encounters) Regulus would pull him aside and kiss him senseless with more and more reckless abandon.
He would go up to James and his friends at breakfast, lunch and dinner, under the guise of speaking with Sirius, and tease James until he was squirming with nerves. Sirius never seemed to catch on, so Regulus didn’t know what he was so worried about.
Sirius didn’t think James could love him, Regulus reminded himself bitterly. The wonderful, bright and sunny James Potter could never have feelings for Regulus Black.
Regulus began to care less and less about how it would ‘end’. He was having fun, he told himself. He was making the most of it. He was kissing James more than he’d ever dreamt, what more could he want? What more could he ask for?
That was the other thing. James had stopped asking his questions. And as nosy, pestering and annoying as they had been, Regulus couldn’t help but miss them a little. He supposed these days he didn’t give James much of a chance to say anything, but even so.
Regulus didn’t care. Regulus didn’t care at all. He would do whatever he wanted, and no one could stop him. Especially not Pandora.
When Halloween rolled around, she went to the party with him. She was helping him get to James, and she knew it, yet she did it anyway.
They weren’t long on the dance floor when Regulus spotted Sirius and Remus climbing the stairs back to their dorm. With them out of the way, he had a clear shot at James, and he carried on dancing.
“Regulus!” called James nervously from the crowd. Regulus followed the sound with a satisfied smile. He wondered if James had been waiting for Sirius’ departure just as he had, and it gave him a wicked thrill to think so.
“Hello James,” he grinned. James led him off the dance floor, skittish as a deer. “Are you going to get me drunk again?” James blinked.
“You’re not already?”
Regulus laughed at that.
“A little,” he confessed.
“A little?”
“Alright, a lot,” he said giddily.
“There’s uh, something I wanted to talk to you about…” replied James.
“Ok,” said Regulus readily.
“Maybe it’s not the best time,” offered James.
“It’s ok,” Regulus assured him. He waited expectantly for James to continue. James seemed to be in two minds about saying anything, but eventually he began.
“It’s just that… Well, I feel like there’s something—
“There’s a game of spin the bottle in the dorms in five minutes!” chimed in Peter Pettigrew, resting an arm on James’ shoulder and looking pointedly between the two of them.
Regulus scoffed.
“Is that what you were trying to tell me, Potter?”
“No I- Well I was just—
“If you wanted to kiss me you could’ve just asked again,” he continued cheekily.
“Again?” asked Peter, leaning in.
“Fuck off, Pete,” groaned James, pushing him away while Regulus watched with mild interest. Peter left and James turned back to him. “We can play if you like,” he gulped.
“Only if I don’t have to kiss anyone else,” said Regulus.
“I’ll see what I can arrange,” chuckled James, running a hand over the back of his neck.
“Are you… alright?” asked Regulus quietly. Something like relief flooded James’ expression.
“Yes,” he breathed, “Yeah, I just… Let’s talk later?”
“Talk later, have fun now?” prompted Regulus with a hint of mirth.
“Something like that,” smiled James. Regulus felt shy for the first time in days.
“So… spin the bottle?”
“Sure,” winked James.
“Ok,” said Regulus in a small voice, “I’ll go get Pandora.”
James nodded and Regulus went to rejoin his friends. Soon they were on their way to the Gryffindor dorm (luckily not the one Sirius and Remus had disappeared to) and Regulus was feeling giddy and drunk. He was sure to do something stupid. At this point, he almost wanted Sirius to find out. And Sirius was sure to find out, someday.
They’d made up of course, but it was only really because Regulus had finally given in. He’d been in a weak place, and without Pandora, Sirius was usually the one he turned to. And so he’d turned to him, in that moment of weakness, but he hadn’t forgotten what he’d done. He hadn’t forgotten that he’d been abandoned.
Because James was just a way to get back at Sirius, he reminded himself. A way to show Sirius that he really could win the heart of the great James Potter. That was all it was.
They entered the room and sat at the growing circle of students, Pandora beside him and Evan and Barty a few spaces down. Even Dorcas was there, someone he hadn’t seen in a while, sitting next to none other than Marlene Mckinnon. Regulus caught sight of James next to Peter and their eyes met. He felt stupid, but he was so excited all the same. It felt exhilarating to think he might kiss James in front of all these people. None of them would see it coming, no one thought so much of little Regulus Black, and Regulus was seething with it. He wanted them to know. He wanted people to know that he’d captured the attention of James Fleamont Potter. That he’d kissed James. That he’d kiss James again, and again and again.
He’d definitely had too much to drink.
The game began with Bertha Jorkins spinning the bottle to land on Benjy Fenwick, a bottle that veered dangerously close to Evan for a moment. Regulus would’ve laughed at him if he hadn’t looked so terrified. Bertha got up to give an eager peck to Fenwick before returning to her seat.
Benjy landed on Alice Fortescue, then Alice landed on James.
Regulus watched curiously as they met in the middle of the circle and she kissed his forehead with a warm laugh. That was alright, he supposed. Everyone knew Alice was keen on Frank anyway.
And then it was James’ turn. He caught eyes with Regulus again as he returned to his seat, bottle in hand. Regulus surveyed as James set the bottle down, then flicked his wrist to spin it.
It went around, and around, and Regulus saw him pass a covert wand movement over the top. So fast and inconspicuous it was almost imperceptible. It landed squarely on Regulus and he tried not to look too pleased.
Regulus could feel his friends’ eyes on him. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. Beside him, Pandora was looking pointedly at the ceiling, refusing to watch his reckless behaviour. Regulus ignored them all.
He could tell they probably didn’t think he was going to do it. He pushed himself up onto his knees, and with eyes only for James he crawled the length of the circle over to him, unable to hide his smirk.
Merlin, was he drunk.
Once he reached James, he paused for a moment, a glint in his eye, before leaning down and pressing a slow kiss to his mouth. He heard whispers circle the room and revelled in it. He drew back just as slowly as he’d leaned in and took the bottle from James before returning proudly back to his seat, paying no attention to Barty and Evan’s piercing stares.
He placed the bottle onto the floor in front of him, and with a quick look at James, spun it. Once again, James used the same wand movement to turn the bottle on himself.
“That means seven minutes in heaven!” piped up Peter before anyone could say anything. Regulus could’ve sworn James was blushing.
Regulus stood up gracefully and walked over to the bathroom. He didn’t have to look back to know that James was following. He also didn’t have to look back to feel all the eyes on the two of them. (Would Sirius find out about this part?)
James closed the door behind the two of them and Regulus pushed himself up to sit on the sink.
“Sorry about Pete,” sighed James embarrassedly, “He doesn’t really…”
“I don’t mind,” said Regulus quickly.
“Thanks,” breathed James nervously, leaning against the wall. “Regulus?”
“Yes?” he asked hopefully.
“Are you… okay?”
Regulus blinked. That wasn’t what he’d expected. It wasn’t what he wanted.
“I’m fine,” he said, “Why?”
James looked over at him appraisingly.
“I don’t know…” he trailed off, “You’ve been a bit… You’re acting different,” James looked guiltily at the floor, “We haven’t really talked in ages.”
Regulus took a deep breath to steady himself. He’d already been stupid enough for one night, he needed to do this properly.
“So let’s talk,” he offered. He looked openly at James, and James looked back.
“Ok,” agreed James resolutely.
“Have any questions?” prompted Regulus with a smile. James gave him a look as if to say of course.
“You and Sirius made up.”
“That’s not a question,” he pointed out, “But yes, we made up. It was… nice.”
“I’m glad,” said James. His expression changed again. “Have you cried yet?”
Regulus smiled humourlessly.
“Not yet,” he told James.
“What’s… What’s going on Reg?”
“There’s nothing…” Regulus looked miserably away from James. He took another steadying breath.
“Something happened, Reg,” said James. “You can tell me.” He sounded vulnerable. He sounded… “I want to be there for you. I want to talk to you. I want to know you, and to be in your life. Just… Just let me in, Reg.” The words felt like a blow, like all the air had been knocked out of him.
“What do you think I’ve been doing this whole time?” Regulus choked out. His chest felt as though it was constricting and he let out a shaky breath through his nose. There was an ache in his throat.
And that was when the tears started.
“Regulus!” whispered James worriedly, rushing over to envelop him.
“James,” said Regulus, tears running down his face one after another, “James, there’s something I have to tell you.”
“Ok,” said James softly, wiping at the tears on Regulus’ face. Regulus felt his chest constricting tighter and tighter as the tears were pulled out of him. He took a breath again, much shakier than the other times.
James wanted to know him. To really know him. James wanted to be let in.
“I’m-” he began haltingly, “James I’m about to tell you a secret, ok?”
“Ok,” said James reassuringly.
“You can’t tell anyone,” sobbed Regulus, wrapping his arms around himself and holding tight. Could he really tell James? Would things change? Would he still kiss Regulus in the hallways?
“I won’t,” promised James, rubbing a hand over his back.
“Ok,” sniffed Regulus, eyes streaming, without really believing what he was about to confess. No one but Sirius and his friends knew this. No one. “James, I… I’m not like… the other boys you know,” he began, “I’m… different. And no one knows it. No one can know it.”
“Ok,” said James, impossibly soft. Regulus still couldn’t believe himself. But he had to tell James. He had to.
“I… I wasn’t born like a boy,” he continued, choking on the tears, “When I was younger, everyone thought I was a girl. And that’s because… I was, in a sense. I wasn’t- I didn’t have a boy’s body,” he glanced furtively up at James through the haze of tears. “Do you… Do you understand what I’m telling you, James?”
“I think so,” whispered James, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
“My parents… No one can know. They don’t want it to ever get out,” he sniffed again, “The Black Family’s best kept secret,” he chuckled dryly. “Do you… You understand, don’t you James?”
“I understand,” confirmed James, and he pressed a kiss to Regulus’ forehead. “I’m sorry if I… Thank you for telling me Regulus. I won’t tell a soul, I swear on my mum.”
“Ok,” chuckled Regulus again, this time with a bit more humour. “Ok,” he said again, and he unclasped the hands around himself to hold James instead. “Ok,” he said one last time.
“Do you want to stay here for a bit?” wondered James quietly.
“Yes please,” replied Regulus in a small voice.