Staying Back
That weekend was a Hogsmeade one, the first of the year. Besides being an opportunity to go to the pub, buy sweets and go shopping, Hogsmeade weekends were non-uniform, which meant that everyone had an excuse to wear their own clothes. Or in Sirius’ case, to wear someone else’s. This time, it was Moony’s wardrobe he’d raided. He’d taken possession of a certain Bowie t-shirt, it was too small for Remus these days, but it fit Sirius well enough, coming down to just below his midriff.
The week before, Sirius would have considered this theft as a flirtation, but this week he was holding back. He felt he’d gone too far with Moony, pushed him too much. He’d been toeing the line, and now he knew that Remus was interested in someone else he was going to keep firmly on one side of it (the right side, the ‘just friends’ side).
A small, jealous part of him thought that the mystery Gryffindor boy didn’t have anything that Sirius didn’t. Sure, he was sweet, but even Sirius could be sweet sometimes. And the boy didn’t like Remus back, apparently. So really Sirius had more going for him than the boy. If he thought about it (which he did, a lot).
“Ready to go?” prompted James, and Sirius took one last look in the mirror before nodding.
The group of them headed down to the meeting point, all decked out in their muggle finery, and were met with the sight of the Gryffindor girls in their own muggle costumes (though, Sirius thought to himself, Mary and Lily really were part muggle, so maybe it wasn’t a costume for them).
Lily had a flowery orange and brown dress with large, bell shaped sleeves, not unlike wizarding robes, although much tighter and shorter. She was also wearing a tall pair of boots and a belt made of lots of silver metal circles. She and Mary had matching makeup, with spiky false lashes, bright eyeshadow and a line of black eyeliner on their eyelids. Mary herself had big plastic flower earrings, a kind of blue wrap-around top and an impressive pair of bell bottoms. Besides the two of them, Marlene was in a red leather jacket that made Sirius seethe with envy. Beside the girls the Marauders looked a little drab in comparison.
Sirius waited for James’ inevitable fawning over Lily Evans, but it never came. At first, he thought maybe James was biding his time, but the Hogsmeade outing progressed without a single utterance of her name from his mouth. Sirius soon forgot this, though, as the day went on.
“I want to go to the bookstore,” Moony had announced about halfway through the trip.
“Well I’m going to the pub,” Pete replied, “Thomas owes me a drink.”
“I’ve, er, got an errand,” said James awkwardly.
“I’ll go with you!” Sirius told Remus, because of course he would. Even if he was holding back, that didn’t mean he couldn’t accompany Moony. As friends, obviously.
And so they headed to the bookstore together, Sirius half-wishing that Remus might take his hand (he didn’t).
“What are you looking for?” he asked once they’d arrived.
“Just browsing,” supplied Moony, swiftly immersing himself in the many tall shelves. Sirius trailed behind.
“I’m not sure if you're aware of this…” he teased, “But there’s a whole library full of books back at school.”
“I’m surprised you’re aware of it,” Remus shot back, idly leafing through a particularly decrepit looking tome, “Seeing as you’ve never been.”
“I’ve been,” insisted Sirius, a little insulted, then, in a smaller voice, “I go when you’re there.”
Remus glanced up at him from the book, his expression unreadable.
“You can’t write in library books.”
“What?”
“That’s why I like to have my own copies,” explained Remus, slotting the old book neatly back into the shelf, “So I can annotate them. Pince would kill me if I brought a quill or a pencil within an inch of her precious books.”
“What kind of things do you write?” wondered Sirius. He’d spotted Remus a few times with a pencil in hand while reading, but he hadn’t really put the pieces together. He’d thought he was just studying, or something. It had never occurred to Sirius that you could deface a novel with your own little notes and scribbles in a good way (because if it was Moony doing this, it was sure to be in a good way).
“Just… comments, thoughts, predictions on where the plot will go, things like that,” mumbled Moony, working his way methodically through a row of books, “Kind of helps me process the story.”
“Can I see?” wondered Sirius. Remus gave him another unreadable look.
“Alright,” he agreed after a moment’s hesitation, “I’ve got one in my bag now, you can take a look.”
He handed it over. Sirius didn’t bother to look at the cover, but flicked through the pages, fascinated by the scribbles, underlinings and arrows adorning the crisp white pages. He recognised Moony’s familiar handwriting, and traced the pencil marks with a curious finger. When he finally looked up Remus had progressed a lot further down the shelf, and he hurried to catch up with him.
“Can I borrow this?” asked Sirius timidly. Remus shot him another look, this one very obviously confused.
“You want to read a book?”
Sirius rolled his eyes. He had no intention of reading the book, he just wanted to read all of Remus’ annotations, surely that was obvious.
“Well, can I?” he pressed.
“Alright then,” conceded Remus, “If you like.” Sirius smiled, tucking the book back into Remus’ bag.
“You’ll hold onto it until then?”
“‘Course,” mumbled Remus. Sirius smiled some more.
“Thanks Moony,” he said sweetly.
Remus didn’t look at him this time.
“Dunno what’s come over you these past few weeks,” he commented under his breath, and Sirius chose to ignore it. A guilty twinge pulled at his gut. He’d really gone too far.
He’d been right, he thought to himself, that Moony wouldn’t be so easily won over with a wink and a smile. But now, he realised, to really win him over, he needed to be genuine. Remus didn’t just want a flirt, he wanted (and he deserved) something more real than that. Someone to talk to, someone dedicated and who was there for him. Sirius only hoped he could be all those things. For the first time since his earth-shattering realisation in Remus’ bed two weeks ago, he wondered if he really deserved the other boy.
***
Once they were all back at Hogwarts and in their dorm, Sirius hastened to put a record on.
“I can’t wear a Bowie t-shirt without listening to him at least once today!” he reasoned, taking Moony’s new copy of ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust’ out of the sleeve and placing it on the record player.
He and James started singing along to ‘Five Years’ (it was James’ favourite, though he didn’t know many lyrics beyond the title). They danced around the room, took a break during ‘Soul Love’ and by the time ‘Moonage Daydream’ came around they had roped Peter in as well.
Sirius pranced over to Remus’ bed, where he was lying, watching them all with a half-smile painting his face. He took his hands and pulled him up to come and dance with them.
“Come on, it’s your song,” he pleaded, and, laughing, Remus joined him. Sirius didn’t let go of his hands, dragging him along to the centre of the room, forgetting his promise to himself to hold back (it was easy to forget, with Moony laughing like that, smiling like that, looking like that).
“Keep your ‘lectric eye on me, babe,” sang Sirius, grinning at Moony like an absolute fool. He couldn’t help it, he couldn’t. “Press your space face close to mine, love,” he said breathlessly, spinning them round in circles. Luckily for him, Remus seemed to be grinning just as much. They came to a stop by the side of Sirius’ bed and Remus twirled him around. Sirius mimed out the guitar solo when it came around, shaking his curls up and down wildly. At some point, James had amplified the record player's volume, and now it was so loud Sirius was sure the whole of Gryffindor tower must be able to hear.
Kingsley came in, just as nonplussed as before, and somehow, by the time ‘It Ain’t Easy’ came on, James had corralled him into dancing as well. They went on like this until ‘Hang on to Yourself’, at which point McGonagall came in and told them to turn it down or she’d turn the record player into a footstool. Sirius had even tried to get her dancing as well, but had been unsuccessful. She was not as easily charmed as Remus, it seemed.
Even after they’d turned the music back down to a respectable level, Sirius couldn’t help but feel incredibly giddy. Despite Regulus, and the looming threat of Voldemort, and their stupid NEWTs, he was having a good time, he thought. A great one, even.
He wished every weekend could be like that one.
***
Later, once they had all had their dinner, Sirius decided it was time to apologise. He needed to own up to it all. Well, maybe not everything, but he needed to be genuine for Remus, or he didn’t stand a chance.
So Sirius pulled out the map, (yes, the map), and found him on a balcony alcove on a corridor off the library. Curious as to what he was doing there, Sirius set off to the spot, and once he was there, spied through the closest window, feeling a little nosy. What he saw was Remus Lupin leaning casually against the wall, smoking a cigarette.
Well, that was new.
He went over to the doors and pushed through them. Remus looked back over his shoulder in surprise. At first, he looked almost scared, but then his expression softened into something else.
“Oh, it’s you.” Sirius smiled at the greeting. He walked over to stand beside Remus, leaning on the stone rails.
“Didn’t know you smoked,” he commented, looking slyly up at him with a smile.
Remus seemed to remember his cigarette, and looked over at it for a moment.
“Yeah,” he said vaguely, taking a distracted drag of the thing, “I started this summer, can’t seem to stop.”
“Who knew our Moony was such a bad boy?” he mocked. Remus smiled around his cigarette. Smoke crept out from between his teeth. His lips were cracked. Sirius looked hastily away.
“Fancy a drag?” he offered, misinterpreting Sirius’ staring. Sirius surveyed the burning paper stub. There was about half left.
“Go on then,” he agreed, taking the fag between his fingers and bringing it to his mouth. He felt a thrill at having touched the same place Moony’s mouth had been, not a moment before.
He inhaled. The smoke tasted different to how he’d expected. It made his eyes water and sting but he didn’t cough. He handed it back to Remus, a little embarrassed. Sirius had never tried a muggle cigarette before, it was the kind of thing that would have made his mother furious.
He watched intently as Remus exhaled more smoke. Inhale, exhale, a practised ritual.
“I’m sorry if I was… too much last week.” He looked at his shoes, then sidelong back at the boy beside him. Remus took another drag before responding.
“S’ok,” he replied calmly, and then, “You could never be too much for me Sirius.”
Sirius felt his heart stutter in his chest.
“No?” he asked softly. Remus blew smoke out into the night.
“No.”