getting better
Sometimes I wish he would have shown me his face. I long to see him still, to complete his picture in my mind and my heart. But he won't. The first time I met him, he told me he could only give me so much. I thought it would be enough. It wasn't. It isn't. I guess I wasn't enough. He got what he wanted - distraction.
Four months have passed since I last saw him. Can I be grieving him, his absence? Could you grieve someone whom you didn't know? I guess you could. Looking at every man whose silhouette looks even a bit like him and thinking, could this be him, is starting to become exhausting.
In the evenings I drive past bars and clubs wishing I could go in and lose myself, but I'm too tired to do anything more that is required to survive. The only things filling my days are work, food, night drives and sleep and even barely that. I haven't felt full since before he left me for good as I can only eat the bare minimum and sleep with the images of him with other women is not something that gives me a restful night.
When I'm not thinking and daydreaming about him, I think about what I could have done differently so he would stay. Should I have worked out more? Put on more makeup? Talk less? Talk about more interesting and sophisticated things? Be more attentive? Be less clingy? Offered to have sex with him? Something else? Why are other couples happy? Why can't I find someone, anyone who would truly appreciate me? Who cherished me? Am I really that unlovable? Why couldn't he love me, be that man? Why did I fall for him? Why didn't he show me his face? Why did he never talk about himself? I bared my soul for him and he couldn't tell me even the smallest thing about himself? Why wasn't I enough? Why did he leave me? WHY DID HE LEAVE?
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The alarm wakes me up at the usual time of 7.15 and I force myself to get up. I watch my open closet for a few minutes before I just pull jeans and a simple sweater on. As I am late again, I just eat some fruit with yogurt and then run into the bathroom to brush my teeth, put my hair in a braid, grab my things and run outside to the bus station at the end of the street.
During lunch I think about sitting with some of the coworkers. Is the black haired woman's name Nina? Natasha? The one on the left I know is Jane. And on Jane's left are Peter and Christine. " Hey, can I sit with you guys?"
" Yes sure, Nicole move a bit," says Christine. Nicole! Right, I forgot.
"Thank you."
"Maura you have been speaking more during the meetings and don't sit alone so often lately. Are things getting better?" asks Nicole.
I haven't realized Nicole worked long enough here to see the difference between before and after. I guess I was preoccupied with myself to notice other people. Me getting better? I don't know. I still sleep like shit and can't stop thinking about him. But I guess I do that a bit less. And my jeans don't feel so loose today. And maybe my dark circles aren't as black.
I don't realize I haven't spoken until Nicole says, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry. I just thought you were doing better, you looked...not really happy, just better."
"Oh no, it's okay. I'm glad you asked. I guess I'm doing better," there are a few moments of awkward silence before I continued " I hope my mood hasn't affected you and the work too much. I know I've been acting a bit distant. Some things in my personal life... aren't ... that good right now. But I promise to be more present going forward."
Christine smiles softly " We understand Maura. It's okay. We are just glad you are going to be ok."
"Anyway Nicole I think I know you the least out of my coworkers. How did you come to work here?" I ask, trying to maintain the conversation.
"I finished my PHD in Family therapy and Psychology two years ago. And I know Peter through my friend's husband. He told me there is an opening here in the Institute of Youth and Family Care. I've always wanted to do something other than therapy and here I can develop different programs and focus only on them."
"That's nice. What are some of the programs that you wish to do in the future?"
"I really wish I would be able to do something in connection with the foster system. You know, to make it better and easier for the kids."
"That is nice in theory. But you know how much bureaucracy is behind all of that!" exclaims Peter.
Christine interrupts, " Yes but it is really something that would make a difference. Do you have more specific ideas?"
"No, not really,..."
"For something like that you would need a more experienced lawyer. With more specific experiences than that is employed by the Institute," interrupts Peter.
"That is true. But lunch is over so this can be a discussion for tomorrow," says Jane and starts getting up.
__________________
"Hey darling, how are you today?" asked Enya.
" I think I'm better. Even if just a bit" I answer and look up from my tea. Enya is speechless and is watching me with open mouth.
"Wha- What? You are feeling better? Truly? Oh Maura, that is wonderful news. I'm so happy to hear that." Enya stands and walks around the table to hug me. She rests her head on my shoulder and says quietly "Theo and I had been so very worried about you."
"I-.... I'm sorry."
"You weren't just sad, Maura. Sometimes your eyes would look like they were without life. Like you were so exhausted that you could sleep for a year, but with your dark circles..." she takes a deep breath" you weren't sleeping, or eating much. Sometimes you would forget you were around people and would just stare at nothing."
"I know... I know. I just - I had been alone for so long. No don't - I know I always had you and Aaron and Danna and aunt Pen and uncle Mark and grandma and grandpa and so on. But it's not the same. I thought I finally found MY person. Someone that would be my number one. And who would put ME first. I just-"
"Maura, you didn't even know who he was, what he looked like."
"I know, I know. I know that NOW. Well starting to understand. But when we were together... we understood each other. Sometimes we would just sit in silence and watch the Thames and it would be so calming and better than exchanging thousands of words."
Enya hugs me harder, then sits down beside me.
"I thought that would never happen to me, you know."
"What?"
"You know, on social media when women talk about how they were swept off their feet and fell so hard in love they ignored all the red flags. How the man only wanted to hang out during the night and how he never talked about himself. They gave him everything and he gave nothing. I thought I would never let anyone treat me that way. I just wanted it so bad. You and Theo and Pen and Mark and Danna and Lukas. It's so beautiful what you guys have. I wish I had that too."
"Maura?"
"Yes?"
"I know you wanted to be loved. And accepted. But what you had with him was not that. You met and hung out often but it was only on his conditions. You said it yourself, you wanted to meet during the day, so it would feel more real, so you could make sure it wasn't just a dream, do what normal couples did. I don't know, like go to lunch together, or go running or go to the gym, or, or meet your family and he always shot you down."
"But he said that was what he needed! He was going through a lot! He needed a friend, someone to talk to. And I wasn't content with that. I wanted more!" I start crying, "it wasn't his fault I was daydreaming!" I say during my sobs.
" Alright. Maybe he really was having a hard time. And maybe he needed a friend. But from what you told me, some of the things he did weren't very 'friendly'. He brought you presents for birthday, and, AND your name day and Valentine's day and Christmas. And multiple things for every one of the occasions. And if a friend was really what he needed he should have told you very clearly that you weren't a couple. But he didn't. He saw you were getting really attached."
"Yes but that wasn't his fault, Enya."
"I know. But Maura, if he needed help that doesn't mean you were obligated to help! He was a stranger and towards the end helping him was hurting you. You were obsessed with him. When will you see him again, what does he do, what does he think about me, would he like that, would he hate that, him, him, him, he, he, he. He was in first place and you were in last one. It was NOT healthy Maura. It wasn't."
I can't hold back. I start sobbing and turn to Enya. She hugs me and pats my back.
"It's okay. Shh, it will be okay."
_____________________________________
It takes me another few months to finally stop defending him when anyone brings him up. And then a few more to start living my life more and again. Exercise, drinks with coworkers, starting doing therapy again (as I stopped having clients because my supervisor didn't think I was capable of doing it correctly and efficiently) and not just workshops.
One Friday when Enya and Theo were over for dinner at my place, I asked Enya to help me sell the gifts he gave me. Even though I loved them I couldn't keep using them as they reminded me too much of the pain he caused. Or I caused it to myself. Two pairs of earrings, a fountain pen, a beautiful green planner, a silver scarf and 3 boxes of chocolate.
When Theo saw the earring and the pen he looked stunned. I thought they were cheap but loved them nonetheless, but apparently they were the real deal. I sold them online and donated the money to the Institute.
That was the moment I started hating him more than loving him. If anything else about us was wrapped in secrecy and doubt, there was a tiny bit of my heart that thought there was a different explanation. That he was hurt or didn't know where to find me or that he had something to do with the same cult as Theo and Enya. Or something else that only happened in books. But if he had enough money to buy me things that cost more than I make in a year, he had every opportunity to find me, or contact me, or whatever. But he didn't. Which can only mean one thing.
He didn't want to.
He didn't want me.
I was only a distraction.
I was nothing to him.
I told him my secrets. Things, dreams, wishes I never told anyone, not even Enya. And I was nothing to him.
I bet he's laughing about my naive self right now.
Or even worse. He already forgot me.
I guess he didn't mean anything to me either. At least not anymore.