It was unbearable. He was sitting there looking bloody perfect and there was nothing Remus could do about it. Because that was his best friend. And Remus was not about to go and ruin a friendship. He was the first thing Remus saw as soon as he entered the hall. Or maybe his brain subconsciously searched for him wherever Remus went.
There was a single strand of light illuminating him. It passed through one of his eye and continued over his head diagonally. His hair looked lighter than normal. A deep brown rather than the usual black. His eye looked like a whirlpool Remus would love to drown in—no do anything to drown in. It made him look simply unworldly. One of his legs was tucked under him while the other hung from the bench rocking back and forth. He was talking animatedly to James. Remus’ best guess was that he was talking about Quidditch. Remus could try all he wanted, and oh he had, but it was simply impossible to capture the essence of Sirius Black into words.
James broke him out of his thoughts by putting both hands into the air and waving excitedly at Remus while shouting, “HEY REMUUU COME JOIN US”
Idiots, the lot of them. A fond smile made its way to Remus’ mouth despite his best efforts. He walked over to their table and took a seat next to Sirius. Of course it was next to Sirius. He took his messenger bag off and put it in between him and Sirius in an attempt to put some distance between them. He couldn’t bear being too close to him for too long.
“Coming to the match, Moons?”, he heard Sirius ask. Of course he was right, he always was. Of course they were taking about Quidditch. Of course Sirius decided to talk to him, they were friends for gods sake. Of course Sirius looked so so perfect sitting there- He stopped himself and pushed his thoughts out of the way. Not right now when he was right next to Remus.
“Me and Lils were gonna study today”, he answered. How he wished he could’ve gone. Seeing Sirius on the broomstick with his perfect arse- pull yourself together for gods sake.
Sirius kicked him round the shin. “The ever-studying snob. Remus Lupin.”, he said with a grin, “doesn’t roll off the tongue nice does it?” The grin was still on his face. Remus wished he could kiss it off. He shook his thoughts away.
“I’ll leave you to think of a better one”, Remus said while reaching over and getting a slice of toast. He split it into four parts and spread a different spread on each of the slices. Sirius had taken to calling it ‘Moony Toast’, the bloody perfect bastard.
“Right well, me and Pete are off. We have Minnie first class.”, James said, finally pulling his gaze away from Regulus. He thought he was slick with it, he really really wasn’t. He was lucky Sirius was unbelievably oblivious. Sirius and Remus both bid them goodbye while Remus poured his morning coffee and added a shit-ton of sugar.
”Are you aiming for diabetes or an early death? Lucky one leads to the other so you don’t have to choose, really.”, Sirius said while looking at Remus with that Sirius Black grin. Remus picked up a small piece of bacon and threw it at him. Which he shouldn’t have, really, because it only widened that stupid grin of his.
All of a sudden the weight in Remus’ chest got too unbearable. He made him smile like that and, god, it was so stupid. But Remus couldn’t bear spending another second with Sirius next to him looking like that. He hadn’t even had a bite of his toast when he slung his bag over his shoulders and made to get up.
”I have… a thing with Lily. I.. I should get to that.”, Remus blatantly lied. The look in Sirius’ face immediately changed. He looked weirdly lost. His eyes looked fogged over and he wasn’t focusing on anything in particular. His mouth hung slightly open and his eyebrows were a little raised. Remus didn't know what to do which was so un-Remus-like. Because when it came to Sirius, he always knew what to do.
He was stood there looking at Sirius with that expression of his which made Remus’ heart ache. Remus turned and walked away. He felt tears stinging his eyes. He didn’t know how much longer he could continue on doing this. He didn’t even know what this was. Admiring Sirius from afar? Knowing he couldn’t do anything about it? Wanting Sirius so badly but the feelings not being reciprocated? He went to the only place he knew would calm him down. The library.
He went to his usual table at the very end. He took out a book from the shelf, The Song of Achilles, and sat to read. Around half an hour had passed when he heard a small cough. He looked up and saw Sirius. Of course he saw Sirius. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t sit here with him. He knew he couldn’t.
“Thought I’d find you here. Mind if I join?”, Sirius asked with a small smile. Remus panicked. As much as he would like stare at Sirius, he couldn’t bear that at all. He gave Sirius a small smile in return. He stood up and put the book back on the shelf.
“I was about to leave so, the tables all yours. Thing with Lily, remember?”, Remus said with what he hoped was a smile. He was miserable. Sirius was stood there in front of him looking utterly perfect. And they were friends. He couldn’t. He simply could not. He picked up his bag and sling it over his shoulders once more. Sirius got the same lost look again.
“Remus.. No. Don’t. Please”, Sirius said in a shaky voice that broke Remus’ heart. Blimey, was he crying? Remus didn't know what to do. And he felt the guilt again because Sirius had said time and time again that Remus was the only one who always knew what to say or do.
Remus kind of stared at him for a second before saying, “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been so distant lately, Remus. I don’t know what to do or what I even did wrong. I feel helpless, Moony. Truly I do. And I don’t know what I did but I am so so sorry for it. Please, Remus. I- I can’t begin to think about living without you, I don’t know what to do”, his voice broke off and his eyes glazed over. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.
The sight broke Remus. He didn’t know what to do. He’d been finding himself having that thought more and more as for late. He did exactly what he was trying not to do. He’d fucked up their friendship. He walked closer to Sirius and took his hands off of his eyes, forcing Sirius to look at him. The physical touch sent a buzz through Remus. Every atom touching Sirius seemed to burst into flames one by one.
“You did nothing wrong, Sirius.”, was all he could muster. Sirius looked at him again with the same look.
“There it is again. You never used to call me Sirius. Remus, why? Why’ve you been so distant? I.. I feel like I barely know you anymore, Re. Every time we’re in a room together you always find some excuse to leave. We haven’t spent time together in ages. I don’t know what I did. I really don’t. But I must’ve fucked up bad and I am so fucking sorry for whatever I did. I can’t live like this, Rem.” His voice broke off again and his hands found their way to his eyes again.
Remus was at a loss for words. Sirius was crying because of him. He pushed his feelings aside, he was quite good at that, because right now, Sirius needed him. And that was all that was going on in his head. He pried Sirius’ hands off of his eyes again. He pulled Sirius into a tight hug and Sirius sobbed into his shoulder. Sirius’ hands found the front of Remus’ shirt and he fisted it so tight as thought if he were to let go, Remus would disappear entirely.
”Pads, listen to me. You did nothing wrong. You couldn’t if you tried. My emotions have been a fucking rollercoaster as of late and I've just been trying to make sense of them and I am so sorry that it came at your expense. I never once wanted this to happen. I’ve just had so much going on and I didn’t know what to do. I just.. it’s not your fault, okay? You didn’t fuck up anything, okay? It’s okay, we’ll be okay.”
Sirius continued crying into his shoulder for a little before pulling back enough to talk to Remus. “Why didn’t you come to me? When you had shit going on? We always used to go to each other and truth be told, I've also had stuff going on. I didn’t want to worry James about it and I just… tell me, Remus. Please, just tell me. What it is? What’s been worrying you? I.. I’d do anything to fix it as long as it means I have have my Moony back”
Remus tried to ignore the way Sirius said ‘my Moony’. Fuck, Sirius wasn’t going to let this go. He needed to tell him. Tell him and ruin any semblance of closeness they had left? No, he couldn’t do that. He wanted to, so so bad. And then the realisation hit. This was Padfoot. Was he really stressing over telling Padfoot something? This was the Sirius that he’d grown to adore so much. And trust. He had trusted him with his life multiple times. But somehow, this was heavier. He didn’t care. This was his Padfoot and he was going to tell him, no matter if it killed him in the process.
“Fuck, Pads.. I don’t know how to tell you.. in all honesty, I haven’t made sense of it myself I don’t know how you’re going to make sense of it..”, Remus started rambling. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder.
”That’s my specialty isn’t it? You say whatever’s on your mind and I help you make sense of it. Just, tell me, Re, please.”, Sirius said with a smile that pierced Remus’ heart.
”Look, Sirius. I.. I like you, okay? That’s it and it’s so fucking stupid because why does ‘the ever-studying snob, Remus Lupin’ like ‘the Casanova of Hogwarts, Sirius Black’? It’s stupid of me to even think I’m virtuous of liking you let alone wanting you to do something about it. I don’t expect you to. Of course I don’t, I would never. But I hate it because you sit there looking fucking perfect and it hurts my soul. I have known you for five years of my life and fuck it, those five years were the best of my life. And honestly, I don’t care if it’s too early, I love you, Sirius Orion Black, I fucking love you. You are the best thing to happen to me I don’t what I would do without you. And I am so sorry about that. Because I know for a fact you don’t feel the same about me and I’m going to ruin our friendship with this. To top it all off, there’s Mary. Who this is so unfair to because you’re dating her. I don’t think she realises how fucking lucky she is to be with you. And as sick as it sounds, I loved you first. I’m being a dick, it is what it is. I don’t care. Because I love you, it’s ruining my life. She loves you and you love her and I don’t know what the fuck I’m even on about. All that to say, I love you, I’m sorry..”, Remus finally finished. He was out of breath. Fuck, how long had he talked for?
Sirius was looking at him with a weird expression. And Remus’ breath left his body because he had just done what he was so afraid to do for so long. He had just blown it all up. He was about to run out of library when all of a sudden, Sirius’ face morphed into a smile and Remus felt himself being pushed up against the wall. Sirius’ lips were on his. It was a fierce kiss, Remus felt it all throughout his body. Remus had seen fireworks, on Christmas, New Year’s and many other occasion. But right now, he was feeling them and it was entirely a new and so much better feeling than anything he’d ever felt before.
Sirius pulled away from the kiss and rested his forehead against Remus’.
“I don’t know what the fuck you were on about, Moons. Mary’s gay. I love you more. So so much more than you could ever begin to imagine. You fucking idiot, you could’ve just told me that ages ago”, Sirius laughed. It was the most beautiful thing Remus had heard. He threw his head back and the sound filled Remus’ lungs. The sound made flowers bloom and stars form. This was his star now. The brightest in the universe.
“If I’d known you would react like that, I would’ve told you ages ago”, Remus said, feeling lighter than he had in ages. And then he was being kissed again. Kissed by Sirius Black. His breath left his body again like it had moments ago, but this time for entirely different reasons.