This was it, the drip would finally stop, the thread had to be cut. He was going to end things. He couldn't stay in this perpetual limbo where the bar just kept getting lower and lower until it choked him.
He'd called Remus this morning. He'd told him to meet at the diner across town; their dinner. where they'd talked from late night till early morning with cups of shit coffee and greasy food. the 9060s american style fucking dinner that was so out of place it was comical. where sometimes they were the only people in there and it had been romantic like they were in some stupid movie laughing and smiling and kissing. And Sirius thought they could be something, something more than high school lovers with only dreams for the future.
But reality came crashing down like it always does. Sirius wouldn't keep lying to himself, couldn't, there comes a point where love can't conquer all and you have to admit defeat. no they didn't work then so they couldn't work now. They were too different, too young and stupid and almost in love.
It was hard to tell who's fault it was really. Sirius would like to blame Remus and Remus would probably like to blame him. In reality it was probably both of them; Remus's inability to let people in and Sirius' inability to let people go. Two sides of the same coin. But opposites attract, right?
If this was 5 years ago Sirius probably would have said that this was just proof that they were meant for each other the way they kept coming back. Leaving for different people trying to live separate lives but always snapping back together like magnets. But then predictably it would all fall apart again the same as before. It was a cycle of hurt and torment. It was awful. Circling round and round.
Except Sirius knew Remus liked cycles. Sirius thought that he was probably so used to spiraling that a circle was a welcome break. A certain stability in the constant ebbing and flowing of his life. In Remus's mind things couldn't get better but they could get worse so he'd just let things stay the same.
Sirius though, he would be better, he would win this game of push and pull where they always ended up falling into bed together and hating themselves about it. Starting to hate each other. But Sirius had plans he wasn't going to let things stay the same or spiral down; he was moving up away from the hurt he continued to put himself through. For the first time in his life he was going to be the bigger person. Sirius was going to break things off, he would win.
Sirius sighs and lets the eyeliner he's holding fall back onto his desk. His room’s a mess, clothes everywhere, makeup stains on the mirror. He's trying to look presentable, look put together, give himself the illusion of control.
Sirius remembers Remus saying he had a theory that everyone was searching for, wanting one of four things eternity, oblivion, freedom, control. He was always coming up with these mad theories and Sirius had never understood why. Then Sirius had said he was probably freedom, he had run away from home he hated authority figures, to him the label seemed fitting, Remus had shook his head and laughed ‘that's just what you think you want if you had real freedom you wouldn't know what to do with it, no your control through and through’.
Sirius never got to find out what Remus wanted. And anyway by next week Remus had already come up with a new theory for life. Sirius would hate to be inside Remus's mind the way it was always wearing, thinking too deeply over analysing every spec of detail, he wondered if he ever got time to breathe.
Now Sirius thought he might understand not fully but maybe. Sirius didn't want to be a controlling person but he was. Always manipulating situations to keep him on top always getting the last word, it's what he was doing now he wanted control over this situation needed it.
He shook himself out of his thoughts and stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was immaculate, makeup perfect, clothes picked out and chosen with care. He looked amazing, he felt like a fool playing dress up. So calculated and precise it was all wrong. He felt stupid for caring so much stupid for putting in this much effort like he was trying to prove something.
He left on time he had no idea if Remus would be late or early it was anyone's guess. Sirius kind of hated that about him, how he was so unpredictable but in the worst way. How sometimes you knew exactly what he was going to do next could practically see his thought process and other times he was completely random snapping and switching up. He would probably do this or he might do something so wildly different there was no telling you just didn't know. Anomaly at its finest.
The evening air was brisk, the cold autumn breeze coming off the sea and settling into his bones. Warm light from pubs and bars flooded the city streets the sun had set but there were yet to be any stars. Twilight in all its glory. Sirius pulled his leather jacket tighter around him as he walked on. His breath coming out in small clouds that made him think of Remus cigarette perpetually tucked in between his lips the way he tasted of ash.
Sirius had always told him to cut back on the smoking all in passing comets and Remus would smirk at him blowing smoke into his face ‘like your one to talk’ he would say ‘it's going to kill you one day you know’ Sirius would reply. and Remus would take the burning cigarette between his fingers holding it out in front of him in the dim light of his bedroom looking at it like it held the secrets to the universe ‘one can only hope’ he'd smile and turn to Sirius and Sirius would forget everything he was about to say because now Remus was leaning in to kiss him.
Sirius arrived at 7:03 Remus was already there leaning up against the side of the diners door waiting for him smoking a cigarette with practised ease, trails of smoke floating up captured by the glow of the street lamp. He was already watching Sirius as he approached amber eyes staring him down from a mile away observing, calculating, watching. He gave Sirius an easy smile, a smirk really any real smile from Remus was rare.
“Hey” Remus said smoke curling from his mouth looking down at Sirius now he was closer. Fuck Sirius smiled back all earlier thoughts drifting away on the wind. Because why did Remus have to look at him like that. Like this was the easiest thing in the world, like Sirius was all he’d ever wanted.
“Hi” Sirius breathed all he could do was stare into those deep hazel eyes half lidded and enchanting. He couldn't do this. And then Remus was leaning in to kiss him or maybe it was the other way round it didn't matter. It was inevitable he was powerless to stop it.
Remus was warm; he felt like home or whatever that was meant to feel like, he tasted like cigarettes and faintly of whisky. Sirius pulled back. Remus smiled at him all casual and friendly as if they hadn't just had their lips on one another. Like Sirius hadn’t just given up on everything he had planned to say because he missed Remus and he wanted him. Next week he told himself, next week he would end it for real, but for now he was going to enjoy it. He let himself melt into Remus's arms.
“You're late,” Remus commented, tapping at his watch. That was new, it was gold and flashy, it looked expensive, it was such an unlike Remus thing to wear. Sirius internally cringed at the fact the Remus had either bought it with this month's rent money or stolen it. The second option seemed more likely.
“I thought you would be too” Sirius replied feeling so out of his depth. Thrown off by the kiss and the whiskey and the watch and everything.
“I'd never be late meeting you” Remus smiled, slipping an arm around his back holding them together. That was a lie Sirius could count the numerous times Remus had in fact been late to meet him. The first of their ‘last dates’ Remus had been 2 hours late and with no explanation as to why.
Instead of replying and calling Remus out on his obvious lie. Sirius elected to ignore it. Humming lightly and burying his face into Remus's chest. He felt childish clinging onto Remus like he was, especially considering why he had wanted to meet in the first place. But now he was realising how long it had been since someone had held him how much he missed having someone who was safe. It was foolish to think but it was in moments like this that Sirius could forget about all the fights, bad habits and everything wrong with them. And delude himself into thinking that maybe Remus was his answer.
Remus pushed off against the wall, stumbling slightly and jostling Sirius in the process. He laughed trying to regain his balance and patting Sirius on the head “sorry baby” he whispered into Sirius's ear.
“Are you drunk?” Sirius asked as he pulled away trying to look Remus in the eyes. Sirius never knew what to think about Remus's drinking. Didn't know where to draw the line between normal and unhealthy. Remus didn't seem to think it was a problem; he'd probably laugh at Sirius if he brought it up, tell him he worried too much.
“Not yet” he smirked again infuriatingly dismissively before taking Sirius by the shoulder arm wrapped around him warm and comforting. “Let's go back to mine”
Sirius shouldn't but he was already walking, being guided by Remus through the yellow-lit streets back to Remus's flat where good intentions come to die. It was fully dark now night was upon them. And Sirius couldn’t see how he thought this would turn out any different.
They don't talk much on the way there the streetlights are out in Remus’s part of town it's dark and ominous but Remus’s apartment block is familiar an old building from the 60s Remus’s flat is on the second floor its small and dingy the kind of place you'd find black mould in the shower.
Sirius had always asked why Remus didn't just move; the neighbourhood was rampant with crime, it was miserable and there were so many better flats for similar prices. ‘This is home though’ Remus had said, giving Sirius a look like he couldn't understand why anyone would suggest moving. ‘But it's barely even safe Remus the buildings practically falling apart and there was a literal stabbing last week’ ‘well i like it here’ Remus had retorted defensively. The argument had gone on for hours both too stubborn to back down.
Walking into Remus's flat It's in a state of organised chaos with books stacked high and precariously on all available surfaces, clothes scattered around the floor, bed unmade. Its freezing Remus must've left the fire escape door open. It smells like cigarettes and cinnamon, Remus must have been burning the candles Sirius gave him.
They were on each other as soon as Remus had shut the front door, Remus stumbling backwards and hitting the wall. “Hey” Remus said pushing Sirius back slightly “want a drink”
Sirius nodded wordlessly following Remus to the kitchen. Nothing had been put away he had glasses and bowls some clean some dirty taking over all the counter surfaces. When Remus opened the fridge it was practically bare two bottles of wine and cans of diet coke Sirius forced himself not to comment Remus wasn’t his problem it would just start an argument Remus would complain that Sirius cared too much and Sirius would complain that Remus didn't care enough. He could see how the whole argument would play out in his head, they'd had it enough times.
Remus took out one of the wine bottles and poured them both a glass. Sirius was just sipping on his. The wine was cheap and he'd never even liked white wine, he drank it anyway. Remus had already downed his first glass and was pouring out another. Sirius wasn't going to say anything. Remus lit up another cigarette. Sirius wasn't going to say anything.
It was hard to see when Remus was really struggling; he had such a facade, a mask he'd put on around others, sarcastic but nice, spontaneous, a bit of an oddball. Always up for drinks and a party. That was until he let you in and you'd see the cracks in the paint. If you look at anything for long enough you start to see the flaws, how Remus was maybe drunk a bit too often, how he was slightly too eager for a bump of this or a hit of that, slight addictive tendencies. How his recklessness extended and seeped into not taking care of himself. Even then you had to stop and question yourself but he seems fine, always chill never showing any negative emotions outwards.
Sirius had to give it to him, Remus was a good actor, all smooth talk and gentle kisses until Sirius started to question him to push and plead and Remus would snap and then and only then would he open up raw and angry and hurt. A broken kid who never had time to heal.
Sirius stayed the night of course he did. He woke up to Remus's heavy breathing next to him. He always slept like that like he was facing some great inner turmoil like even in sleep he couldn't escape his thoughts. Sirius slipped out from under Remus's arm and snuck out the front door quietly. He had to fight the urge to clean but he knew Remus would hate it and what was the point in cleaning someone else's flat when his own was just as much of a mess. It just felt easier in some ways trying to fix up someone else's life instead of his own. Remus had said it before; Sirius was a hypocrite through and through.
In the taxi home Sirius couldn’t escape the aching in his chest loneliness and hatred. How he couldn't say no how he kept crawling back to him. How Remus caused this continuous laps in his judgement. Bad decision after bad decision and they all led back to Remus. Sirius hated to blame him for his problems, knew it was undeserved but he couldn't help it. All roads lead to Remus all thoughts ended at Remus. How was it even possible to have one person consume his mind so completely.
Remus sat in the fire escape of his apartment blowing cigarette smoke out into the evening air staring down at his phone. Sirius had texted him, Remus hadn’t realised they were talking again after last time but Sirius was normally the one to decide anyway. He gave Sirius the control over the relationship, let him call the shots and prayed he still chose to take Remus back every time.
Sirius had asked to meet. Remus smiled to himself they could never stay away. Sirius was the first person to message him this month, Sirius wouldn't know that obviously, Sirius wouldn't know that he was the only contact he had saved on his phone. He checked his watch. It was only 4 he had 3 hours. He sighed, flicking his cigarette butt out into the street.
he wished he could have Sirius, like really have him. wished he was the kind of person who could do relationships and didn't have so much to hide. He didn't mean to be secretive, didn't want to be a liar. But it felt like there was no other way to be. He was 10 again and his mother was asking if he knew how to keep a secret. ‘Me and your dad are going away for a bit but you can't tell anyone okay’ ‘why not’ Remus had asked not understanding. ‘It's a secret you know how to keep a secret don't you Remus’. Now Remus understood that it was because she didn't want social services round because leaving your 10 year old home alone for a week while you went on holiday was generally considered neglect.
Sometimes Remus wandered if he was fucked up because of his parents or if he was just born this way and somehow they already knew. Knew he was a lost cause and decided him not worth raising. He should probably ask Sirius about it, he would understand. If he and Sirius had at least one thing in common it was shity childhoods.
Remus sat on his kitchen counter, too many thoughts running through his head. He wished they wouldn't, he’d give anything to stop thinking if only for a moment. It was so loud deafeningly so ideas and questions and incoherent rambling. And no conclusions no end to any particular train of thought. Sirius was a constant though maybe not physically they were always fighting, breaking up and coming back together but in his mind Sirius had taken up permanent residence.
Before he'd tried to section off his head, order it into neat little boxes it had never worked all just one big melting pot of spiral except for Sirius there was something different about him. It couldn't be something as trivial as love, no it was more than that it transcended space and time like a sole bond. Remus hadn’t decided if he believed in soles or not but for now it seemed like the best explanation.
4:36 he checked his watch again. He was antsy; he needed to do something that wasn't thinking. Outside of work Remus felt like a loose end with nothing to do, nowhere to be and no friend to speak of; he got restless. It led him to do stupid things most of the time. It was worse when he was a teenager at school he'd simply throw himself into his studies he'd ask for extra homework just for something to do. But with his parents gone more than they were there he mainly just ended up getting himself into trouble; drinking, smoking, stealing, jacking cars. Anything he wanted and anything he could get away with.
But he was an adult now he couldn't run the streets and pretend he was above the law. So he'd do adult things, he'd light a candle maybe he'd reed no fuck it he’ll reorganise the kitchen.
Whilst taking out all the plates and bowls and putting them on the counters he found a half empty whisky bottle under the kitchen sink. He doesn't remember putting it there; he was probably trying to hide it from himself. By 8:48 he'd drunk almost all of it. He didn’t mean to drink as much as he did, he never did. He just got lost in the rhythm of it, the familiar burning as gulp after gulp of amber liquid ran down his throat.
Standing up from the sofa the room swayed, fuck. He couldn't go to a date with Sirius fucking drunk. Sirius would know of course he would and then he'd start a big fight about it. And it would definitely be his fault. Even if Sirius was sometimes pushy focusing on Remus's problems instead of his own, Remus wasn't much better. It was like playing a game of who's more fucked up who's the one to blame and project the others emotions onto.
Sirius would push and push about something Remus really didn't want to acknowledge, something he'd rather just ignore and go on faking indifference about. But Sirius wouldn't let it go he cared too much and then inevitably Remus would snap and all his defences would come crashing down. he’d yell he’d break things, worst of all he'd cry, Remus Lupin didn't fucking cry.
He hated showing any negative emotion, growing up he'd learnt to hide it away because no one wanted to be friends with the kid who cried, the kid who punched lockers, the kid that snapped at people and walked anxiously through the corridors. So he wasn't, not anymore now he was cool he was chill up for anything indifferent but not impassive, he could play his weirdness off as being an oddball he never mentioned anything serious unless he could make a joke about it. And no one had ever questioned him on it no one had ever tried to dig deeper except for Sirius.
Sirius was different, he wore his heart on his sleeve even if he didn't mean to. He wasn't scared to show real emotion and people loved him for it; they gravitated towards him because of it. Remus had come up with a theory for it of course he had. you were either easy to love or easy to like you couldn't be both and so Sirius easy to love but hard to like. people came but they didn't always stay. You couldn't help but love him or hate him, there was no in between every emotion surrounding Sirius was strong, intense. But Remus fell on the other end he used to be neither but he’d made himself likeable. He couldn't make people love him though Remus was definitely hard to love.
He left his flat walking briskly to the diner forcing himself not to sway concentrating to walk in a straight line praying the cold air would help sober him up. He arrived early fumbling in his pockets for his cigarettes leaning up against the wall trying to ignore the biting cold.
He hated this kind of weather. Remus wasn't sure he had a favourite season; they all had their downfalls too hot to cold to rainy too dark to bright. He'd come to the conclusion that it was probably him that was the problem and he should just learn to deal with that, instead of trying to pick a fight with nature.
He scanned the street for Sirius once, twice and on the third time he saw him approaching slightly hunched over against the cold hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. He was still gorgeous, long black waves falling into his face. The glint of his silver jewellery caught in the light, shining, Sirius the brightest star in the sky.
Remus took an inhale of his cigarette. As Sirius came closer Remus could see the dark eyeliner lining his waterline making his grey eyes even more intense even though his demeanour was apprehensive. From an outsider's perspective he looked put together, perfect. But Remus noticed the way he curled in on himself biting his lip subconsciously and the way he was staring up at Remus in a mixture of too many emotions for him to decipher.
Remus tried to smile easily; he could almost pretend they were a normal couple out on a normal date. “Hey” he said on an exhale all he wanted to do was kiss him, kiss him and take him home and pretend the world didn't exist past the walls of his shitty flat.
“Hi” Sirius greeted almost breathlessly. And that was it for Remus he leaned down to capture Sirius's lips with his own, allowing Sirius to melt into him like they were one. This is how its meant to be Remus thought this is right amongst all the wrong in the world at least one thing could be right and it was this Sirius warm and pliable in his hands leaning against him as they kissed in the yellow light of the street lamps.
Sirius pulled away too soon for Remus' liking because now he was back to reality and Sirius was looking at him in a way that made him want to shrink back and hide. Instead he schooled his features into something casual and smiling. “You're late,” he said tapping his watch, attempting to take the attention off of him.
“I thought you would be too” Sirius replied again with that odd look Remus couldn't understand, had he done something wrong was Sirius annoyed at him.
“I'd never be late meeting you” he tried because it seemed like the right thing to say romantic and sweet. He just wanted to leave, forget about dinner and just have Sirius. Them together and nothing else like Remus wished it could always be. He pulled Sirius in tighter against him and pushed off the wall he'd been leaving against, he'd moved too fast though and he was still slightly tipsy he hadn't noticed until now and he stumbled still clutching onto Sirius, head spinning. He regained balance using Sirius to help support him “sorry baby” he whispered patting Sirius on the head in apology.
Sirius pulled away slightly out of Remus's grip. “Are you drunk?” Sirius asked not necessarily accusatory but more confused sounding. Remus didn't really know how to answer, his immediate impulse was to lie.
“Not yet” he smirked, this was a non issue and he didn't want Sirius to make it one. He didn't want to think about why he had drunk almost half the bottle, why it was almost on impulse and he definitely didn't want to talk about it. “Let's go back to mine” he said instead, taking Sirius round the shoulders and guiding him along the pavement.
The way back to his flat was somehow nicer with Sirius there the wind was less harsh, the dark not all encompassing.
He loved Sirius but it was hard with the growing concept that Sirius might love him back. not just like but love and Remus didn't think he'd ever felt that before. He wondered if he was worth the affection if he deserved it. There was obviously a reason they had never been boyfriends, never been official and Remus couldn't help but come to the conclusion that it was his fault. He was the cagey one, he was the liar, he was the one that was hard to love.
They walked in silence just the sound of passing cars and as they came closer to Remus's block of flats the occasional shouts of drunken men or the barking of a stray dog. Sirius didn't like where Remus lived; he had told him as much. And as they walked down the grim alley he felt Sirius pull into him just a little bit tighter, Remus squeezed his shoulder in reassurance.
Remus could admit his flat was shity it was small and dingy and the location was grimy. But Remus almost liked it that way he didn't expect Sirius to understand, he'd tried explaining it before. There was comfort in the familiar even if the familiar was shit he didn't want it to change. He'd grown up on the wrong side of town, so he'd always live on the wrong side of town. with police sirens and yelling in the street being the soundtrack of his nights.
The stairs cracked on the way up to the second floor and as he fumbled with his keys he cringed at the memory of how he had left his flat, he'd meant to clean he really had but it had somehow ended up messier than before. He prayed that Sirius wouldn't comment. He’d left the fire escape door open and the candle burning. He was trying to get rid of the cigarette smell. It hadn't really worked. The smoke had probably embedded itself into the paint. Like the poison that seeped out of him tainting all that he touched.
Remus shut the door and Sirius was on him desperate intoxicating kisses that Remus couldn't resist. Kissing Sirius was easier than breathing most of the time. Remus forced himself to pull away first the thought of the wine bottles he had in the fridge playing in his mind. “Hey, want a drink” he said, already making his way towards the kitchen which wasn't far considering his flat was one room and the kitchen was the living room that was also the bedroom.
Fumbling with the glasses, Remus poured out the cheap white wine, handing one over to Sirius. He was surprised Sirius didn't complain about it; he could be a world class snob if he wanted to. Remus drank the wine quickly because even he could admit it tasted pretty awful. And maybe there was just a little voice in the back of his head telling him he was far too sober for this, he tried to ignore it. He poured out another glass, he lit up a cigarette.
Remus woke to a distinct lack of warmth beside him. It wasn't unexpected now there relationship mainly consisted of stealthy fucks and leaving before the sun comes up. Remus wishes it could be different wishes he didn't poison everything he touched. He's selfish for wanting Sirius as much as he does, wanting him so bad it becomes a need, wanting him so bad that it hurts. He's got work in an hour. He pushes his emotions aside and begins to get ready. He's indifferent, he doesn't care, he misses Sirius like he's missing a lung.