Regulus is stuck in the past.
It’s been a couple years since Regulus left school. He opened a small bookshop, and writes. He writes his poetry, and is even trying to publish a book. His apartment is in a quiet neighborhood, no kids to bother him, no loud, annoying neighbors, nothing. He finally lives the peaceful life he longed for, the one he wanted for so many years. So why is he unhappy?
A lot can happen in a couple years. Regulus is 23 now. Dorcas and Pandora broke up, they decided they were better off as friends. It was better for both of them. Dorcas and Marlene are dating now. She seems happy, so Regulus is happy.
Sirius and Remus are married now. They seem really happy. Regulus was Remus’ Best Man. Sirius and Remus had fought about it for weeks, until Remus mentioned that James would want to be Sirius’ Best Man. So they settled for that.
They talk about kids every other day, but it still hasn’t happened. Regulus thinks Sirius is scared. Scared of continuing the pattern.
Regulus thinks he would be a good dad. Sirius was kind in the ways their parents weren’t. He cared about people.
James got married as well.
Him and Lily seem happy. They really do. They have a kid now. His name is Harry.
Regulus made Barty go to the wedding with him. He couldn’t go alone. He couldn’t watch the love of his life get married.
He drank a lot that night.
Regulus was happy for them, he really was. They had the perfect life. James looked so happy.
He still likes to think it is his 5th year. Him and James are meeting up in secret, sneaking around to kiss. James loving him. James’ hands on his skin. The soft words spoken late at night. James saying “I love you”. James holding Regulus.
That bridge burned a long time ago. James loves Lily now. They are married. They have a kid. And yet Regulus is stuck in the past.
He lives in this fantasy where it’s him instead of Lily. It’s him who gets to wake up next to James. He is the one who gets to kiss him. He is the one with the ring on his finger. He is the one who is raising a kid with James.
He wants his Jamie back.
But that's not real. None of it is. He is alone, in a small apartment, on the other side of town from James. He has a cozy home. With a wife and a kid.
What did Regulus have?
He had a small, run-down apartment. He had his stupid poetry that’s all about James. He has his tiny bookshop that barely makes him enough money to get by. He has his best friends, who are dating each other, and don’t have time for Regulus anymore.
He wants his fantasy.
He hasn’t loved since James. He refuses to. He learned his lesson. Love isn’t any good. It’s stupid and pointless.
He still loves James.
Regulus misses James so much. He misses his warm eyes, his messy hair, his crooked glasses, his soft smile, everything. He misses James.
He remembers the day it happened. He’s stuck in that moment, left there at the Astronomy Tower. At that ledge, where Regulus stood as James walked away for the last time. Everyone else left, graduated school, moved on, but he’s still there.
For days after the breakup, Regulus sat up in that tower, staring out into nothing. It was just him and his mind. It was truly a sad sight.
Barty would come up, talk to him, tell him gossip, all of it. He brought Regulus food and water. He didn’t try to drag him away, but he still helped. And Regulus will always love Barty for that.
The only reason he got up was because he didn’t want anymore homework. Otherwise, he thinks he might still be up there. Sitting, waiting for something to happen. For James to come back.
He sat there, waiting. He just kept waiting. Waiting for James to show up. Waiting to get the love of his life back.
So Regulus is 23. 23 and living in a fantasy where he is with James. His James. The love of his life.
He runs his small bookshop, selling books to very few people. He bartends on weekends with Barty so he can get by. He pretends to come home to James. He hugs a pillow in his sleep, pretending. Imagining. Wishing.
Hoping.
Hoping for something that will never happen. Praying for this other life. The one he wanted.
~
Regulus was standing behind the counter at his bookshop, bored out of his mind. He doesn’t get a lot of customers, but today was especially slow. He was about ready to just close early, when someone came in. The last person he ever expected to see.
James.
James comes in, holding a little boy’s hand, who looks almost identical to James, except for his eyes. He has Lily’s eyes.
James and Regulus lock eyes for a moment. For a brief moment, it felt like Regulus was back in time, with James. It was always James.
“Oh, hey Regulus.” James says, quickly looking away. It wasn’t Reg anymore. It was Regulus. That hurt.
“Hi James.” He says quietly, never looking away. He can’t. James is standing in front of him; and Regulus feels like dying right then and there.
“I didn’t know you worked here.” He seems awkward. Years ago, Regulus never guessed anything between them would be awkward.
“I own this place.” He replies back. Regulus never really talked about his small shop. It didn’t make him much money anyways, what was the point? Sometimes he got more money bartending with Barty on the weekends than he did an entire week from the bookshop. He was extremely grateful Barty owned a bar- despite the smell and all the people, it got Regulus enough money to get by.
James looks shocked. Regulus’ friends weren’t shocked when he bought it and turned it to what it is now. Were they as close as Regulus thought? Did James ever actually care?
Harry starts pulling James to go look at books. He mouths “Sorry.” and follows the little kid. James looked happy. A little frenzied from the stress of a toddler, but otherwise happy. He was happy.
So Regulus was happy.
They probably have had lovely Christmases together, fun times spent with family. Sirius always said Regulus could still be a part of that family, but Regulus does his own thing. He doesn’t need his brother, he doesn’t need anymore people, and he definitely doesn’t need James. He was fine.
Regulus walks over to where James and Harry were. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t need to help them; Harry looks like he knows what he is doing. Yet he goes there. He feels compelled to go over to them.
He was always drawn to James.
“Do you need any help?” Regulus asks quietly, looking at Harry instead of James. Looking at James brought back all the memories. All the memories that Regulus doesn’t think were real. It doesn’t feel real. Nothing does anymore.
“Where are the superhero books?” Harry asks quietly, still standing right next to James.
Regulus can’t help but smile. “Follow me,” he replies, leading Harry to the small corner where the kid books are. There aren’t a lot, but he has started to expand the collection over time.
Harry’s eyes immediately light up, and he finally leaves James’ side to run over to the books. Regulus can’t stop softly smiling, the kid really is adorable.
“He really likes those books,” James states, walking over to Regulus.
“Reminds me of you,” Regulus mumbles, not really meaning to say it out loud.
“What?” James asks, slightly confused.
“You had that kind of stuff in your room. When we were together.” What was he saying? Why was he bringing all this up?
James smiles softly. “You remembered.”
“Of course I did.” Regulus’ voice was quiet.
There was tension in the air. Barely, and it was all radiating off of Regulus. He takes a breath and immediately pushes it down when Harry comes racing back, showing off all the books he found.
Regulus brings them up to the counter, and James pays for all the books. Harry is beaming, practically bouncing in excitement.
“It was nice seeing you James.” Regulus blurts out, right as James turns to walk away.
“Yeah, It was good to see you too, Regulus.” James says, before taking Harry’s hand and walking out of the shop.
There were no nicknames. There was no “see you later.” There was no “I love you.” It was just plain and simple talk. Because they weren’t Jamie and Reg anymore. They weren’t “baby” and “love” anymore. They were just James and Regulus. Two people with two different lives.
Regulus was tired of being stuck in the past. Trying to act like they were still together. Like they mattered. Like he still mattered.
But he would always be stuck. Stuck trying to relive the past. Stuck trying to think of what he could have done differently to change the outcome of all of this.
Stuck in the past. Always.
~
Regulus hated parties. Every part of them. The music, the people, the noise, everything.
Especially ones where James Potter was at.
Of course Regulus was invited to Sirius’ party. They were brothers. And of course James would be there as well. James was closer to SIrius than Regulus was.
And so of course Regulus would drag Barty to the party as well. He needed someone to help him get through the dreaded night.
This happens every year. Most years, it is the only time he ever sees James. They may say hello, but that’s it. They stay away from each other.
Regulus doesn’t drink so he doesn’t do something stupid. He would try to talk to James. And that would not end well.
“Why did you have to bring me?” Barty whines, dragging his feet as they walk up to the door.
“Because I need someone to be there with me.” Regulus snaps. He was in a bad mood that day. Having to see James and deal with a party were two things Regulus would rather die than do.
They open the door, and the smell of alcohol is strong. The music is blaring, and Regulus immediately wants to leave.
“Why don’t you drink this year? You look like you need one or ten.” Barty remarks, grinning.
“Bad idea.” Regulus replies shortly, making his way through the crowd, trying to find a less crowded area to stand for a bit before he is bombarded by Sirius. Seeing James on a day that wasn’t Sirius’ birthday was messing with his brain. He avoided doing anything with Sirius for that exact reason. He didn’t want to see James. It was too painful. So seeing him more than once a year has fucked with his brain, and now nothing makes sense anymore.
Does James still love him? Maybe he isn’t happy with Lily. Maybe he wants Regulus back. He kept up the conversation at the bookshop. Were those his subtle hints? Does he think about Regulus as much as Regulus thinks about him?
What if this party was exactly what Regulus needed? If he could get James alone… he could make him confess. They could be together. They could have their happy ending.
“Come on.” Barty drags out the ‘on’ with a whine in his voice. “Loosen up a little bit! I’m not just going to stand around all night like every other year.”
“You know what? Maybe I will. What’s the worst that could happen?” This makes Barty smirk.
They move to the drink table. Of course, there are plenty of options. Regulus prefers the expensive stuff, but Sirius wouldn’t put that out at a party.
“Hey, I will be back in a minute.” Regulus tells Barty, starting to slide past him.
“Where are you going?” He asks suspiciously.
“Just to find the good alcohol. The expensive stuff. I know Sirius has it somewhere.” Regulus replies.
“You better come back, I’m only here so you have somebody to complain to all night long. You better not just leave me.”
“I’m not!” Regulus snaps. Maybe he really did need that alcohol.
Regulus makes his way to the kitchen, and starts going through the cabinets. Surely Sirius won’t mind, right? If he can just get drunk enough to talk to James, but not enough to be completely wasted, things might just go his way for once.
He finally finds a cabinet with a bunch of expensive wines, and lots of champagne. So much champagne.
Regulus can work with this.
~
A couple hours into the night, and Regulus is actually having fun. He has taken a lot of shots, and is basically done with a bottle of champagne.
His eyes are on James the whole night. He watches, trying to find a good time to talk to him, but Lily is always around. Why can’t she just leave? There is no way James actually likes her. She can’t possibly be good company. Her and her stupid red hair, smartass remarks, annoying personality, all of it. What did James even see in her?
After a bit, she finally leaves. Probably to the bathroom, so he has to make this quick. And right. No more messing up with James.
Regulus goes over there, not even telling Barty where he was going. He tries to calm himself, praying that he doesn’t mess this up. Again.
“Hey James.” he says, trying to seem friendly.
“Oh, hey Regulus.” James replies, only half paying attention. Why didn’t he seem to care? He obviously wasn’t happy with Lily. What was so wrong with Regulus? Why didn’t James want him?
“Do you really like Lily?” He blurts out. Fuck. It was not supposed to go like that. Why did he let Barty convince him to drink?
“What? Regulus, what do you mean? Of course I like Lily. I married her.”
“You don’t seem happy. You don’t have to lie to me James.” Regulus was on the verge of begging. Begging for James to take him back.
“Regulus, how much did you have to drink?” At least there was a little concern in his voice. Maybe after all of this, he still cared.
But he didn’t love Regulus. Maybe he never did. Maybe all of this was made up, a figment of his imagination. Why would James love someone like Regulus?
Unfortunately for Regulus, the alcohol was affecting his brain, and what he says.
“You know what James? Fuck you. I don’t need you. You left me for some stupid girl. Whatever. You don’t actually like her. You are just too dumb to admit that I was better. That you loved me.” Regulus wanted to cry. What was he doing?
“Regulus, we ended things years ago. You need to let go. I love Lily. I have a kid with her, for god’s sake. I’m sorry that you can’t get over that, but I did.” James looks at Regulus with a different look now.
“Fine. Go love your stupid wife and stupid kid. See if I care.” There were tears in his eyes. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. It was never supposed to end at all. That should be him with James. Him with the kid. Him in James’ arms.
What happened to Reg and Jamie? What happened to their love?
“Regulus, just-”
“No. I’m done. I’ve been waiting years for you. And I probably won’t ever leave.” Regulus' voice shook as he spoke.
“I’m sorry Reg-” Regulus cuts him off there. He needs to hear that nickname one last time, even if it wasn’t meant to be that.
“If you ever change your mind, I’m right where you left me.” He says quietly, quickly wiping away a tear that fell. “I’m sorry I love you Jamie.”
They got to be Reg and Jamie one last time after all.
James stood there, unmoving. He never said anything as Regulus walked away. He just watched.
Regulus was angry. He didn’t need James. Nobody needed James. James didn’t matter anymore.
Barty was standing somewhat close to a wall. Regulus pushes him against the wall, and kisses him. Hard. Not soft like it was with James. Hard and quick. Desperate. Anything to soothe the pain of losing James for good. No more imagination. No more pretend life.
Barty was shocked at first, but he kissed back. Just as desperate, just as hard. It was needy. His hands were in Regulus’ hair, Regulus’ hands on Barty’s hips. And Regulus made sure that James saw.
He made sure that James saw every single movement, every desperate breath, everything. He made sure it was obvious Regulus wanted this. That he wanted Barty.
“Reg, what are you doing?” Barty whispers as they break apart for a moment.
“Moving on.” He says back, pushing Barty against the wall harder, pinning him there. He kisses him harder and harder. Barty seemed perfectly happy with this answer, because he goes right back to kissing Regulus back just as hard.
Regulus wanted to be done. He wanted to be done hanging on, to be done with loving James. But he never could. He could kiss as many people he wanted, he could settle down with someone, he could have kids, and he would still love James. It would always be James.
Regulus and Barty break apart, breathless. “He’s staring.” Barty breathes out.
“Good. Let him stare. Let him see what he is missing out on.” Regulus tentatively touches Barty’s face, staring into his eyes. Barty was beautiful. Extremely good looking. He was hit on by many people anywhere he went. Regulus could get used to this. The fast, hard kissing, the heated sex they would undoubtedly have, all of it. It would be grand.
But it wouldn’t be the soft kisses he had with James. It wouldn’t be the late mornings cuddled together in bed. It wouldn’t be the gentle touches shared with each other. It would never be the same. Barty isn’t James. He can never be James.
Maybe they both drank too much that night. Hell, everyone probably did. But right then and there, kissing Barty, it felt right. Like it mattered. Like he mattered.
~
The Sun and stars rarely get to meet. Only the brightest stars get to catch a glimpse of the Sun, and even then it is extremely rare.
Regulus was never bright enough. He missed the Sun by just a bit. If he had been a bit brighter, just a bit more determined, he could have had the Sun. He could have had James.
The flowers need the Sun to live. It is how they survive. Lily needed James to survive.
They had a happy life. They raised a beautiful boy.
Regulus and Barty were happy. They never had kids. It was just them and their small apartment, but they were happy.
Regulus never moved on. He still selfishly waits for James. He still waits, hoping to see the Sun before it disappears for the night.
He will never get that wish.
He can wait and wait. He can hope and dream. He can pray to every god, and he will never get it.
The stars shine in the night, and the Sun shines in the day.
Two things, destined to never live with each other. Destined to never be together.
Destined to be so close, yet so far.
Sometimes, Regulus finds himself still back in that Astronomy Tower all those years ago. Waiting. Praying. Wishing. Hoping. All he wanted was James. He wanted a soft relationship, filled with gentle touches and James.
Too bad Regulus didn’t burn just a bit brighter.