Like family
Ted ruffled through his hair, leaving it looking like a birds nest. Tonks punched against his upper arm and Andromeda hugged him so tight, Christopher thought his ribs would never recover from it. “It’s so good to see you dear! I was hoping to see you over the summer but with Pettigrew on the run and your relatives..well, I’m just glad that you’re doing okay.”, the witch told him with a smile. “Me too, I’m happy to be back.” the boy mumbled, trying to sound more optimistic than he was. While Hogwarts was a lot better than living with the Dursleys, the constant presence of dementors made him feel very uncomfortable. The pressure on his chest became even heavier when he came closer to the dementors and considering they were flying around above the castle and in Hogsmead didn’t make it better. Sensing the awkward silence that was starting to build up, Ted took the opportunity and spoke with more enthusiasm than needed: “How about we take a walk to the Shrieking Shack? The teachers just entered the Three Broomsticks and I believe you don’t want to run into them, right Alicia?” Trying to hide the dismay he felt when being referred to as Alicia , Christopher nodded his head in agreement. The group of four walked in silence, occasionally commenting on the falling leaves or the cold weather. They didn’t seem to notice that the teenager had drifted far away into the depths of his mind.
Christopher Reid wanted nothing more than to shout his feelings out loud. I’m not a girl. My name is Christopher. My name is not Alicia. It has never been and it never will be. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk opening his mouth and saying these things out loud. With Lupin it might’ve worked because he has some issues too. Dobby was only accepting because he feared that he’d be put back into the conditions he lived in with the Malfoys. And probably because of the mysterious dog the boy had brought along with him. The Tonks family however? He couldn’t tell them. The pink haired auror in training was his only actual friend. Ted and Andromeda were the only adults who saw the Dursleys behaviour for what it was: abuse. They were the only ones who offered Christopher a place to stay during the holidays. He couldn’t risk loosing that. It was better to keep his secret than to face the consequences. The thought of getting rejected, of being seen as disgusting, as being seen as a freak again scared him more than anything. He wouldn’t survive that. He would rather die as a girl than loose the very few people he had in an attempt to feel more comfortable. The Gryffindor didn’t even know if all of this would actually help. He just knew that the thought of it, of looking like a boy, of being referred to as a boy seemed more appealing than anything he had known before. And maybe just the thought of that was enough to please him. Maybe he didn’t have to say it out loud. Ever again. “-licia honey? You alright?” the curly haired witch squeezed his shoulder lightly. Snapping his head to the side the sound came from, Christopher mumbled a quick “Yeah, sorry. I just remembered something I wanted to put into my Charms essay and then got lost thinking about the rest of my homework.” Trying to fix the frown Andromedas face was holding, the boy gave her a smile. Before the woman could continue questioning the child’s behaviour, they were interrupted by a energetic bush of pink hair: “How can you even think about homework right now? You’re in Hogsmead, the greatest place a teenager can be during the school year! Didn’t know the sorting hat wanted you in Ravenclaw anyway…” the last part came out as whisper because before the auror could finish her sentence, she was playfully punched against the arm by her dad. “Just because you weren’t keen about homework doesn’t mean others can’t enjoy it. Besides- and correct me if I’m wrong- I remember a certain pink haired child who freaked out when I tried to get her to take a break during her NEWTs.” Knowing she couldn’t argue against that, Tonks rolled her eyes. She might have been inattentive and chaotic throughout her whole time at Hogwarts, but once her NEWTs came closer she managed to somehow place her focus on the exams. So much that Ted had to steal her quills in order to get her to rest. Christopher was almost as ambitious as Tonks was at the end of her seventh year. With the only exception that he put that effort into all of his classes. His teachers loved him for it, were always looking forward to reading his essays. Even the stern looking, children-hating potions master Severus Snape liked the boy. He might never admit to it but he was glad to have someone besides Granger in class who knew how to brew a proper potion. Not even Filch had a word to say against Reid. Not even when he and Tonks got caught sneaking to the kitchens in Christopher’s first year. Shaking his head to stop this train of nostalgia, the Gryffindor continued his walk towards the Shrieking Shack and eventually started a discussion with Andromeda about the importance of Tonks pink hair in regards to her auror training. The teenager was trying to make clear that the bright coloured hair was a gigantic benefit for her. Everyone knew her hair colour and, much to Dromedas dismay, changing Tonks’s hair to a ‘normal’ colour would help her become unnoticed, even when surrounded by people who knew her.
The Shrieking Shack turned out to be a rather disappointing place. Not because it wasn’t spooky or interesting looking but because of the sheer amount of teenagers who came there to make out. Christopher didn’t understand why. They could’ve simply stayed at Hogwarts and made out in the abandoned bathroom but here they were, ruining this place by disturbing everyone around them. He’s had crushes on other people before, but he never had much interest in making out. The boy couldn’t understand why. What was so special about pressing your lips onto someone else’s or- even worse- sleeping with someone? Apparently people did it because it created a kind of intimacy that they couldn’t reach otherwise. But Christopher? He didn’t need that. He wasn’t a big fan of intimacy, especially not if it meant undressing and pressing your body against someone else’s.
Gladly, Andromeda thought the same about watching teenagers make out so she quickly escorted them all back onto the path they came from. Christopher couldn’t make out why, but something was off. Something was different than when they first came here. His chest was heavier, his breathing felt ragged and his mind was going foggy again. He felt just like he did on the train ride with Professor Lupin. The boy thought he was the only one who felt that way but when Ted opened his mouth to say something, he knew they all spotted the dementor flying above their heads. “Oh fuck”, the Gryffindor mumbled. Panic overcame him and he stumbled backwards, trying to get away from it as fast as possible. When he took another step back, he tripped over the root of a tree and fell onto his back. This couldn’t be happening Christopher felt unable to move. Every inch of his body was now filled with panic, with fear, with horror. The dementor would get him. This time there was no escaping. He was still lying on the ground, now pretending to be dead, pretending to be anything else but a human with a soul. He was so focused on the dementor that he didn’t even notice what was happening around him. “Nymphadora go and take her back to Hogsmead. If you can’t calm her down by yourself find one or the teachers or wait for us. Don’t worry honey, we will take care of the Dementor. And then that blasted idiot of a headmaster will hear from me!” the curly haired witch shouted. Tonks was concentrating so much on getting the teenager in front of her out of the situation that her hair didn’t even turn red at the sound of her first name. She grabbed hold of Christopher’s upper arm, pulled him up to his feet and then wrapped her arm around his shoulder. Walking faster than any same human being would, she moved them into the direction of the village. “Shh, Alicia it will be fine. The dementor didn’t get near you. You’re okay, we’re going back to Hogsmead, far away from those bloody creatures.” The boy didn’t even register his old name being used. His brain was consumed by fear, his breathing was irregular and his face was tingling. He felt like his legs were going to give out any second, but they didn’t. They carried him back onto that familiar street and onto the steps of an abandoned building. The students that were walking from shop to shop were laughing. Their arms were filled with shopping bags and they could barely see where they were stepping but they still managed to shoot a disgusting glare at Christopher.
Tonks, who still had her arms around the teenagers shoulders, was about to curse them out when their laughter suddenly stopped. At first, the auror couldn’t make out why but when she heard that familiar billowing of robes she knew that things weren’t looking too bright for any of them. “Making fun of your classmates again ladies? I believe there are enough cauldrons in the dungeons that could use a thorough cleaning.” the black haired man sneered and within mere seconds the students loaded with shopping bags were hurrying away. The pink haired woman had hoped that Snape didn’t see them but was proven wrong when the man turned around to face them. “Ms. Tonks, are you missing Hogwarts so much that you’re now stalking around Hogsmead in your free time?” The woman was about to say something when she noticed the look on the professors face had changed. It was only now that he noticed the trembling mess sitting on the steps, trying to hide his tear stained face. “What happened?” the teacher questioned while rummaging through the insides of his robes. “We were on our way back from the Shrieking Shack when a dementor came towards us. Alicia panicked and my parents told me to take her back here. They’re still handling the situation I guess.” Severus nodded and handed the distressed teenager a bottle filled with green liquid. The boy took it into his shaking hands, put it to his mouth and downed it in one gulp. He was still crying and shaking violently but his breathing had gone back to normal. “I usually wouldn’t give a calming draught to someone after they encountered a dementor but remembering the most recent incidents I believe this is appropriate.” With one last look at the two of them, Snape disappeared into the crowd of people on the streets. “What does he mean with incidents? Alicia what didn’t you tell me?” Tonks hair had turned from bright pink to a light shade of red. The boy swallowed past the lump in his throat and stuttered: “N- Nothing- please- I just had detention with McGo- it’s nothing- really-“ The calming draught seemed to loose its functionality. Tonks couldn’t find out about this. He would loose everything. She would hate him for lying and for pretending to be a boy and breaking the rules and for ruining her life. He couldn’t let her find out. “Alicia I know that you’re lying. Tell me what is going on!” The young woman was now raising her voice. “It’s- it- just-“ Christopher ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t have an explanation. Then, he noticed Ted and Andromeda in the corner of his eyes. I can’t escape this. I have to leave. Tonks parents came closer and with every step the boys anxiety grew worse. They were now only a few metres away from them and Reid couldn’t handle it anymore. He grabbed the bag that was lying at his feet, got up and started striding away from the group he once considered his family. He couldn’t loose them. And before they could abandon him he would just drop them. Leave them standing there. Do anything to prevent his secret from spilling out. The three adult were calling his name but he couldn’t hear them. He was focused on finding his invisibility cloke. And besides, it wasn’t even his name. It was hers.
****
Pulling the thick fabric over his head, the boy stumbled into Honeydukes. There were people everywhere and despite being invisible Christopher felt like everyone was staring at him. He pushed through the crowd, down the stairs and into the secret passage. As if on autopilot he stumbled back into the castle and straight into the abandoned bathroom. He was apparently looking so distraught that even Myrtle left him alone. Sinking down in the last stall, he pulled the cloke from his body and pushed his sleeve up. His arm was read and warm and the once so pretty looking wounds had turned an ugly purple. He knew this wasn’t good. He couldn’t cure the infection but he also couldn’t stop harming himself. Fumbling through his bag again, he pulled out the first thing he could find. It was his potions knife. He put it down onto the reddened flesh and pulled it over it but nothing happened. All he felt was pain, but not from a new wound. His skin hurt from the simple touch but there wasn’t a new wound. There was no blood dripping out. He couldn’t believe it. He tried again, this time with more force but again, nothing happened. He let out an angry scream. He tossed the knife back to where he found it and banged his skull against the wooden door he was leaning onto. His brain was filled with ways to harm himself. He needed something sharpe. A blade, a shard of glass, anything that could break through his skin. Christopher continued to go through each scenario but couldn’t think of any way to find something sharp enough to ease the pain. Until something clicked.
He had to go to the dungeons.
The potion classrooms were equipped with knifes. Knifes that students could use when they wanted to practise a potion outside of class. The Gryffindor knew he had to try it. Knew he didn’t have any other options besides this. Scrambling back onto his feet the boy threw his cloke over his head once more and made his way towards the dungeons.