Chapter 4
Remus feels his cheeks flush with shame. He tries to grab it from Sirius but he's holding it in his closed fist.
¨why do you have this?¨ Sirius isn't sure why he asks, he already knows the answer. He just hopes maybe he's mistaken, maybe he's been mistaken all this time and Remus has a totally reasonable explanation for everything. This of course is not the case, and Remus is unable to think of anything at all to say, so instead he simply turns and begins to walk away. He doesn't know where he is going. All he knows is he can't cry in front of Sirius and he feels like he might cry.
The wind is sharp and icy cold on his skin, his eyes sting as tears finally escape, and he just needs to get out.
¨Moony! Wait! Please don't go¨ Sirius sounds upset and it only makes Remus want to cry more.
He keeps walking briskly though he is aware of Sirius running to catch up behind him.
¨Remus, please.¨ Sirius nearly begs, placing his hand on Remuses shoulder. Remus stops, trying discreetly to wipe his tears but they are quickly replaced by new ones, thankfully Sirius doesn't say anything.
¨What do you want me to say?¨ His voice wavers and he sounds so broken and defeated Sirius almost cant take it.
¨I- I don't know Remus. I don't know what to do¨ It is clear the two boys are equally as lost as the other on how to handle the situation.
¨I don't want you to hurt yourself.¨
¨I know.¨
For a while they just stand there unsure on what to do, before Sirius pulls remus into a hug
¨ I'm sorry¨ Sirius whispers. Remus is confused as he can't think of a single thing for Sirius to be sorry for, but he doesn't speak. He can feel his body shaking with sobs and is unsure of when he started crying again. At this point he doesn't even try to collect himself, he has nothing left to lose and it feels so good to have someone hold him. It's something he's never experienced before. He's never been comforted before and he never wants to lose it, he never wants to lose Sirius. He grips tightly to the sleeve of his sweater as if scared he may disappear, and in a way he is.
¨I'm scared Siri.¨ He said burying his face in Sirius´s shoulder. He knew how pointless and childish it was but he was still a child after all and he never truly got to be one. ¨I'm scared, and it's gonna be the full moon in a few days and I don't want to do that again.¨ Remus knew saying it wouldn't change anything, yet he still wished someone could just take it all away, and Sirius wished he could do just that. He wished more than anything even just for one night he could take it instead of remus.
¨I know, I'm sorry Moony I'm so, so sorry¨ Sirius tried to stay strong for Remus but the pain was evident in his voice.
¨I- I just don't wanna be alone again¨
In this moment Sirius decided he would do anything to find a way Remus wouldn't have to be alone on these nights anymore. It was the least he could do.
They were able to convince Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall that Remus wasn't feeling well enough to eat in the dining hall and they all brought their meals back to the Gryffindor commons and ate in the peaceful quiet for once. Being around James always helped to bring Remuses mood up, just cuz he loved hearing about the tiny things that made him so happy, such as Lily waving to him in the hallway or doing well at quidditch practice.
Remus knew that James and Peter had noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, but much to his relief they didn't comment on it and settled on making him laugh all evening instead. He was worried everything would change if anyone knew, but they didn't make him feel bad, they helped him, they made him feel like he could change, feel like he wasn't alone.
He was getting better, this he was sure of, but that didn't mean he was better yet. He wasn't ready to tell Peter or James or anyone else about what was going on and he still kept one box of razors secret from Sirius but for the first time he was actually trying to stop. If he wanted to cut he would go and try to talk to friends or do something to take his mind off it before immediately resorting to cutting. A few times he even went to Sirius and told him and he was always happy to do whatever Sirius needed him to, whether it was just hang out, read to him, or just let him cry. He knew he had a long way to go but having Sirius gave him a reason to keep trying.