‘Stop please’ His voice was raw, his sobs had long since stopped. This had been going on for hours. What a truly heartbreaking sight it was, Regulus black on the floor of grimmauld place, covered in his own puke and blood, his mother towering over him in an attempt to ‘teach him a lesson’
‘Mother please’ He was losing consciousness fast, there was no one here to protect him anymore, no one to save him. He was trapped. Sirius wasn't here, James had left him, not even Barty and Evan were talking to him. He was truly alone, he was going to die alone.
And with that the world, finally, faded to black.
….
‘I’m leaving Regulus’ The voice came before Regulus had even realized there was someone else in his room. It was Sirius of course, no one else bothered him in his room, and definitely no one else in the house called him regulus.
‘What? What do you mean?’ The neediness in his own voice made him cringe.
‘For good. I’m uh- going to stay with the potters.’ Sirius looked hopeful. The newness of that hope made the younger boy's heart sink. He’d never seen Sirius look that way.
‘You can’t. Sirius you cannot leave me here’ He felt sick.
‘I need to. Tonight's the only time i can you can come with m-’
‘Tonight? You're fucking leaving tonight and you only just told me?’ He was sure he was going to throw up. It didn’t feel real
‘I had to make sure nothing happened first- I needed to know that it wouldn't get back to them. Please Reggie, you can come with me.’
At that he scoffed. ‘It’s hopeful thinking they’d even let you leave but both of us? They’d drag us both back here and kill us themselves.’
It was too much, the world was spinning as he felt tears well up in his eyes. His only lifeline in the hellhole that was his home, disappearing without a second thought.
‘Regulus you know I need to try, they don't even look at me anymore, not unless it’s to point out everything wrong with me, or to try and beat that shit out of me. I can’t stay here Reg, it’s killing me.’ The pain in Sirius’ voice was the key that allowed the first few tears to drop from his eyes.
‘I don’t want you to leave me, I need you here- I won’t survive without you. I need my big brother please’ His chest ached at the sob he let out, it wracked his bones.
‘Regulus please, isn’t one of us living a good life better than neith-’
‘Just go’ He spat before he could stop himself. He’d never admit it but Sirius had hit a nerve, admitting that he thought Regulus would never live a good life.
‘Really? You- you won’t tell them?’
‘There’d be no point. Just get out.’ The words were pouring out of his mouth faster than he could think. There was a sense of instant regret that came with telling the only person you’d ever felt safe with to leave you for good.
‘I’ll write to you I promise, the second I get settled at Jamie's he won't be able to get me away from the owl’ The bitter chuckle that came from Sirius’ throat as he turned and slipped through the door echoed in Regulus’ mind all night.
That was the first time he could ever truly say he hated James Potter.
….
‘Are you fucking kidding me regulus’ James was quiet. His voice was dangerously low.
They’d been having a good time until now. But James had to ruin it by lifting up his sleeve, the clear lines of betrayal etched into him, deeper than his skin. His soul was tainted now.
‘James-’ he started, panic rising in the back of his throat. He could feel every beat of his heart as he tried to choke out some excuse. He knew there wasn’t any way they could come back from this. He didn’t even know what he was thinking, letting James meet him here. He just wanted one more night of just them, together, before he ruined everything.
‘Don’t. How can you fucking come here, act like everything’s normal when you’re- you’re- one of them.’ There was the anger Regulus had been expecting. That didn’t make it hurt any less, the sheer hatred in James’ voice was enough for him to take a step back, his eyes filling with tears.
‘Please you don't understand Jamie please’ Every word tasted of bile. Every lie he’d been telling himself in his own head faded away. Of course James understood, more than anyone else. It was in these very same four walls he’d bared his soul, sharing every detail of his family, his anger at Sirius, the shame he felt for not leaving with him, and of course the choice he’d been given. It had been James that had been there for him since the start of the year, It had been James who’d reassured him that he was not at fault for his brother leaving and it had been James who’d shown him what living felt like.
Of course he was fucking it up. When had he ever had one good thing that he hadn’t messed up.
‘Don’t do that shit with me Regulus. You know better’ He did. ‘You know full fucking well i understand. I thought you were better than that. It’s not only the fact that you joined the very same side we swore to fight. Together. It’s that you lied to me. About everything. The moment you decided to take that fucking- that- branding- you decided that everything we said, every “honest truth” or any plan we made, didn’t matter to you. You decided that the most miniscule amount of your parents' approval was worth more than anything we ever had together’ Every word plunged a dagger deeper into Regulus’ heart.
‘Jamie please- I love you I- I’m sorry I’d take it back in a heartbeat’ He couldn’t. And that made everything he said beyond this point futile, so he reached his left hand out to cup James’ face, desperate to remind James that under all the messed up shit, they were still the same boys that had stumbled into this room, unable to pry themselves away from each other for long enough to care about any prying eyes about the hallway.
‘Don’t fucking touch me. Especially not with that arm’ The pure disgust in which James looked at him with was enough to wither his soul completely. He was done. It was all over. ‘And don’t call me that. Not anymore Regulus. Were you ever going to tell me?’
He ached to hear one more ‘love’ or ‘sweetheart’ from the boy who so clearly despised him.
‘James’ he flinched at the pain in his voice ‘I just. I needed one more night before I could face losing you. I’d convinced myself that if I had just one more night then I could lose you and it wouldn't destroy me. Because I love you and I don’t want to lose you over some stupid mistake.’
‘Some stupid mistake? Regulus this isn’t about us. It’s about right and wrong. It’s about good and fucking evil’ At that he let out a whimper, like a wounded animal. He was evil. James was right.
‘I just need one more- I just need you to love me for one more night, please I need to hear you say that you love me one more time.’ He was hysterical. If he didn’t get a goodbye he’d never recover. He couldn’t go on without knowing that even now, James still loved him.
‘Yeah Regulus. I love you, and that’s what makes this all so much worse’ James turned towards the door. ‘The fact that I love you and you betrayed me’ His voice caught at the end of his sentence, highlighting his hurt. The hurt that James had tried so desperately to hide. ‘I loved you and it still wasn't enough’ and with that James slipped through the door, leaving Regulus alone.
Oh how he wished that James Potter had just said he hated him.
…
‘Do you have any fucking idea how stupid that is’ Barty snapped. The idea, admittedly, was not one of his best but it was the only way he could ever prove that he was good. That losing everything was worth it.
‘I know but if i could just-’
‘Just what Reg? Just destroy that one horcrux? Yeah that’ll really get him. One out of the potentially hundreds will surely be enough to stop him’ The venom in Evans voice stung
‘It’ll do something Ev. And isn't that better than sitting back and letting the world end? I have to do something. This can’t all be for nothing.’ He could sense the eye roll he was getting in return. The idea, hunting down salazar's locket and destroying it, was beyond stupid. But he had to prove that he was a good person, for James.
‘Regulus. I know you got your heart broken or whatever but you’re going to get yourself killed. And I’m not going to stand by and watch it happen. Talk to me when you finally get some fucking sense’
He didn’t even get a chance to respond before Evan and Barty had walked away, muttering to each other.
Great now they hated him too.
….
Slowly, Regulus came to, painfully aware of the burn spreading throughout his body. He was alone. His mother had probably seen his poor state and left him. Even she was above murder. The agony he was in was nothing compared to every memory flashing through his mind, tearing a hole through his heart and stamping out all desire he had to make any attempt to help himself.
I deserve this, he thought, yeah I really do. He closed his eyes again, willing himself to pass out again, or fall asleep, honestly anything to get him away from this misery. Finally, his eyes fluttered shut again.