Theodore Nott goes to Disney World
It was late in the evening of an unassuming Tuesday in the middle of April, when the landline at the Hampstead residence of one Draco and Hermione Malfoy began ringing off the hook.
They had been enjoying a late supper of roast chicken and veg with a nice vintage Beaujolais, when the phone first began ringing.
And then it never stopped.
Hermione sighed as she got up to take the call, mentally cursing whoever interrupted the wonderful meal Draco had made for them.
“Who the bloody hell could be calling us at this time?” Draco groused.
“Probably the telemarketers.” Hermione sighed. Draco looked bewilderedly at her, not knowing what these ‘telemarketers’ were.
Hermione sighed as she picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Good evening, will you accept a collect call from Orlando, Florida?”
“Excuse me?” Hermione’s brow was furrowed in confusion.
The person on the other end of the line sighed, frustratedly.
“Will you, accept, a collect call, from Orlando Florida?” They were a little snippy, pausing frequently enough to irritate Hermione further.
“Uh, sure, I guess,” Hermione sighed long-sufferingly. “Though I’m not bloody aware of anyone who would know me in Orlando Florida…”
Draco looked up at her, quite perplexed and mouthed ‘Orlando Florida…?’
Hermione shrugged her shoulders and slightly shook her head at Draco as the line connected and rang for a moment.
“Ah-ha! Finally! Is this Granger? Did I use this muggle contraption correctly? Hello?”
Hermione was stunned silent for a moment, her eyes widened in shock, causing Draco to become slightly alarmed.
“…Theodore?”
“Granger!! It worked! Wow, how have I never used this muggle thing before?? It’s so much more convenient than waiting for an Owl.” Theo exclaimed.
Draco’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline as he whisper-shouted, “Theodore?!”
Hermione waved her hand at Draco in a shushing motion.
“…Pray Merlin, why are you in Orlando Florida?”
“It’s the damndest thing, Granger!”
“Oh, I’m sure it is…” She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“I was just walking down the street this morning, in Muggle London, when I passed some muggles who were practically gushing about this castle in Florida that is supposedly the most magical place on Earth, and I thought to myself, surely, the Americans don’t have a castle that’s better than Hogwarts!” He exclaimed.
“Oh Merling, please don’t say—”
“So, I had to see it for myself!” he finished smugly, his voice practically oozing a smirk.
“Godric help me…” Hermione gave Draco a look; Draco sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“And there’s this giant mouse, Hermione, that keeps coming up to hug me, and the muggle bints are practically walking around naked, and oh, Salazar, some of the men here should be sent to Azkaban because they are just too damn attractive, my heart cannot handle it.” Theo sighed dramatically. “Tell Potter I loved him if I don’t survive.”
“Again, why the bloody hell did you go?!”
“Magic, Hermione, MA-GIC!”
“Because Godric forbid you ask ME, a MUGGLEBORN, if it’s actually magical…”
“Semantics.” Theo said flippantly. “Anyways, I went on a few of those ‘rolly-cooters’? And they were bloody fantastic! Draco can eat his bloody Nimbus 2001 because that mountain in space was bloody thrilling!”
“Oh my…”
“And the ghosts! The ghosts, Hermione…I tired to start a conversation with a few, but they just kept singing the same catchy song over and over again,” He sighed. “I’m pretty sure Nearly-headless Nick would be a wee bit jealous of them too, as they were body-less, which I’m sure isn’t much different from headless, so I am fairly certain they would have been allowed to go on the headless hunt.”
“Theo…please tell me you are coming home soon…preferably before Harry realizes you’re missing…”
The wooshing sound of the floo at the Hampstead residence could be heard, as Hermione looked up at Draco in alarm. Draco sighed as he stood up to investigate who was trying to enter their home at this late hour.
“As if, Hermione! One of the muggles said there are three more parks to visit! I simply must see this animal kingdom they are boasting, perhaps it will have unicorns?’
Footsteps thundered up the stairs into the kitchen, Hermione turned around, landline still in hand, and saw Harry running into the dining room, panting with exertion, his eyes wide.
“Hermione! Draco! Theo is missing!”
Hermione sighed long-sufferingly.
“He left this morning to go on a walk around Muggle London, and still hasn’t come home! What if he was kidnapped?! What if he’s DEAD?! Or worse, what if he decided he doesn’t love me anymore?!”
“Theodore Atticus Nott, you get your pasty arse back here right now and calm down your panicking fiancé, or so help me, I will shove my fist through this landline, and I will strangle you myself!” Hermione hissed heatedly.
Draco and Hermione exchanged looks of resignation with sighs.
“I can’t leave now! I haven’t even seen the fireworks shows! The muggles say it’s magical, Hermione, MAGICAL!”
“Theodore! Are you or are you not a bloody wizard?! Go to George’s bloody shop and buy your own Merlin-forsaken fireworks!!”
“It’s not the same!”
“I don’t bloody care! My best friend, your fiancé, is blubbering all over my husband currently, worrying about you running off with some random bloke and thinking you don’t love him anymore. I care not how you do it, but you will fix this, right now!” Hermione hissed aggressively.
“Bloody hell Hermione! Fine, fine. As soon as I…Salazar! Is that a a bloody werewolf hugging children?! But it’s the middle of the day and it’s not even a full moon tonight!”
“THEODORE!!”
“Alright, alright! Yes, fine! I’ll come home…” He pouted over the phone. “Tell Potter that I’ll be home as soon as I find him the perfect gif—oh bloody hell, but that man is hot as fuck. Tell Potter I’ll be home as soon as I snog the day lights out of this ‘Prince Charming’ character.”
“Theo—”
“Ta, Darling! Hugs and kisses and all that rot! See you when I get back!”
Hermione stared unblinking at the phone in her hand as the line went dead. She sighed as she replaced it in the cradle, then turned to her husband who was halfheartedly patting her best friend’s back as he sniffled on Draco’s shoulder.
Hermione and Draco sighed.
“This is going to be a long bloody night.”
After a long night of consoling Harry and promising him that Theo hadn’t left him and he still was madly in love with him, Hermione was incensed to be woken up early the next morning by a persistent tapping on her bedroom window.
“Mia…get the damn owl before I kill it…” Draco grumbled from her left, shoving his head under the pillow to drown out the noise. Hermione sighed.
She carefully maneuvered out from between her husband and best friend on her bed and got up to let the small brown tawny owl in.
“You poor darling, you look about as well rested as I feel, which is to say not at all. Come here, I’ll take you into the kitchen and find you some scraps.” Hermione cooed at the owl as she carried the poor harried creature through her home and into the kitchen, setting it down to rest on the back of a chair.
She shuffled through the fridge until she found a container of leftover rashers, taking the lid off and setting the whole container in front of the owl.
It hooted appreciatively and began eating as it lifted its leg for Hermione to pull the mail off.
It was a single envelope with…familiar handwriting on the back.
Hermione sighed long-sufferingly.
She opened the envelope and pulled out a single picture, turning it over to read the words scribbled on the back.
Hullo Darlings! The muggles said I simply could not leave without my picture in front of this sham of a 'magical' castle. I was tricked, Darlings, tricked! However, I will say this, I look bloody good in this picture! See you next week! Let Potter know I love him, but that I need to ride more rolly-cooters. Anyway, Ta Darling!
XOXO, Theo
Hermione rolled her eyes, going back to her bedroom and wandlessly levitated several decorative pillows at Draco until he finally rolled over and opened his eyes.
She dropped the picture on his chest, shoved him aside and got back into bed to curl up next to Harry.
“He’s your best friend, and therefore, your problem; deal with it.”
Draco sighed after reading the note scribbled on the back.
It was going to be a long bloody fucking week.