One
Remus lupin had been in love with Sirius Black since they first met eyes across platform 93/4. You may say this was too young, that Remus couldn't possibly know what love was at that age. But he did because he felt it when those icy grey eyes first fixed onto his. He knew it from the moment the boy waved sheepishly over at him and something inside his stomach flipped, his heart skipping a beat.
It sounds cliche, like an unrealistically conventional love story, ‘love at first sight’ and all that nonsense. But Remus felt it in his soul. He knew the first time he had heard Sirius laugh; he wanted to hear it on repeat every second of the day. He knew the first time Sirius had flashed him a grin, he wanted it printed and covering every inch of his wall.
Remus had been in love with Sirius Black since first year, Sirius Black wasn’t queer.
First year had turned into second year, then third, fourth and so on. Remus Lupin was still in love with Sirius and by the time sixth year rolled by Sirius Black was still straight.
He hadn't outrightly said it, but he didn't have to. He would flirt relentlessly with girls, bring one back to the dorm on occasion. He could see it in the love notes and excited giggles from girls as he passed them in the corridor.
But Remus was fine with this, it was okay. He was happy being Sirius’s friend, so that's what he was. He was there for Sirius when he would get letter from home. He was there for Sirius when he got disowned and was there for him when he cried.
As a friend.
Sirius needed a friend, and that's what he was. Nothing more, nothing less.
But it hurt. He cherished their friendship, but it still broke and shattered Remus’s heart every time Sirius would bring a girl back to the dorm or announce his new monthly fling.
Any normal person would have gotten over them by now, lasting the length that's it has, but Remus couldn't.
It wasn't like he was obsessed, though it sounds like it. It didn't consume him- it was more of a lingering crush, coming in waves to break Remus and then washing away like nothing had ever happened in the first place. It was never really at the forefront of his mind. It used to be, of course it would've. He was a kid with a crush. But now it had been pushed to the back of his mind, knowing nothing was going to happen nor change.
“What did I do to deserve a friend like you?”
Sirius would ask innocently. As if that one word didn't make 12 year old Remus’s heart break. As if that word didn't cause 12 year old Remus to spiral and come apart at the seams.
After that, the lingering crush on Sirius had faded slightly, not that it didn't hurt every time that word fell from his lips- but it didn't crush him anymore. It was at that age he decided he was okay with being his friend, that that was all he was ever going to be.
It was at age 14 when Lyall Lupin had found out he was gay. It was at age 14 when he had run away for the first time. He didn't get far, he never got further than a mile or two before the aurors would get called, or his drivers would find him.
He had never felt safe at home, not really. Hogwarts had always been more of a home than the Lupin estate had ever been. His father worked for the ministry, in a highly respected job- and he always seemed more like his boss than his father.
His mother, Hope, had killed herself when Remus was 7.
She had gone ‘crazy’ or at least that's what the housekeepers or gardeners would whisper when they thought Remus was out of earshot. He found out she drowned herself in her ensuite bathtub after overdosing. His father would just repeat the same words bluntly every time Remus had urged for an answer.
“Your mother was very sick.”
They had painted Hope Lupin to be some sort of psychotic, insane mother- driving herself to death. Remus knew she wasn't. He had found the forms hidden away in his father's office. She had bipolar and severe depression, so she killed herself. She wasn't sick, or crazy. She just needed help, and she wasn't given it. From the day Remus had found those forms, he had decided he despised Lyall Lupin.
It wasn't hard, most of the time his father just pretended that Remus didn't exist. Sometimes he wouldn't hear or see from him for days at a time, and when he did, they never talked. He knew Lyall hated him, his own son. He sometimes thought that it was maybe because he looked like her.
“Why don’t you like me?”
Remus had asked one supper time
“Of course, I love you, you're my son.”
Remus had gone quiet after that. It’s not the same thing he wanted to mumble under his breath. You love me because you have too, but you don't like me.
None of his friends knew, not even Sirius. They knew his mother had died, but they didn't know her diagnosis, nor that she had killed herself. And they knew Lyall worked for the ministry and was fairly wealthy, but they didn't know that he couldn't stand to look at his own son.
Remus was now in sixth year. He still liked Sirius, his father still hated him, and his mother was still dead. If people knew all this, they would say he had been dealt a shit hand. But most of the time it was good. He rarely thought of his feelings for Sirius anymore, or his mother. Sometimes he can't even remember the sound of her voice.
Beautiful boy don't cry mummy's here.
Look out at the moon darling, it's so bright, its shining for you.
Every time he looked up, he would see Hope.
Its shining for you
Sometimes Remus would blame her, he was angry at her for leaving him. But other days, not so much. He could find peace with it; he couldn't really remember her anymore. But when she had died, she had stolen something from him, something that left a great big gaping hole in his chest. He knew after that he would never be fully whole again- never complete.
Remus found it easy to blame others for the shit hand he was dealt, not willing to face the fact he was the common denominator in all of this. He found it easy to blame his mother, after all, he took after her. He found it easy to blame his father, the man who couldn't stand to look at him, making him feel unlovable.
He found it easy to blame Sirius. Sirius black with his perfect hair, his icy blue eyes, the way his lips would curl when he would try to hide a smile.
Maybe that's why he did what he did on Halloween night in sixth year. Maybe that's why Remus had to go and fuck everything up.
It was October 30th, and the marauders annual Halloween party was in full swing. The common room was practically unrecognizable, covered with tacky Halloween decor and streamers, cast in flashing disco lights that caused his eyesight to go dizzy and make the room tip on its side.
It was almost 11pm, the vinyl player in the corner was blasting some unrecognizable 70’s hit but the words were muffled over the sound of laughter and buzz from the other students crowded into the common room.
It was originally supposed to be an in-house party, but the word got out pretty quickly and soon enough people from every house were stepping through the portrait. He recognized some people, but others were unfamiliar. Mary and Lily were flirting shamelessly by the dance floor, drinks in hand. James was shouting the lyrics ignorantly next to the speaker, standing beside an extremely drunk peter who was leaning against the wall for support.
Sirius was standing at the center of the dance floor, swaying his hips shamelessly. God, he looked good. He was dancing in perfect sync with the beat, eyes closed as he lost his body to the music.
By this point, Remus was maybe on his fifth drink? Or sixth? He had lost track. It had been a pretty shit day- not that anybody knew or cared really. He had received a letter from the lupin estate earlier today, informing him his father had ‘no need’ for him to return home for the Christmas break.
‘No need’
“Why don’t you like me?”
“Of course, I love you, you're my son.”
The room tipped slightly, and he felt significantly lighter, the alcohol having numbed part of his brain that cared. Thats what he liked about drinking, it helped him stop caring so much.
As he watched Sirius, he couldn't help but feel the longing that was tugging at his heart. He felt it at every party they attended. The way Sirius dressed and danced just made Remus’s insides do flips. God, he hated him for it, the way Sirius could just make him swoon by doing absolutely fuck all.
Something about tonight was different though. The sensation of longing that was tugging at heart was stronger- as if it wasn't just metaphorical anymore, like someone was forcefully making him move towards him.
He steps onto the dance floor, stumbling slightly as he weaves through the crowd of sweaty bodies to Sirius.
“Moony!” Sirius calls, slurring slightly as he waves him over- causing a few people to turn pointedly in his direction.
Remus smiles dopily and waves back.
“Hey pads.” He slurs, squinting to see him through the harsh lighting.
“Dance with me moons!” Sirius shouts as the music changes track.
“Hm?” Remus shouts back, struggling to make out his voice through the pounding of the music.
Sirius leans forward and his lips brush against Remus’s ear momentarily, making him shudder.
“Dance with me.”
Remus suppresses a shiver as Sirius whispers, instead, he nods and lets himself be spun by Sirius.
It’s moments like these that make him forget the shit hand he’d been dealt. It was good- these were the good moments he talked about. These were the times that Remus didn’t need the alcohol. Sure, it was a bonus, but this made him feel higher than any drug.
The music eventually ends, and Remus cannot wipe the grin off his face. Sirius is laughing, the look of genuine amusement glinting in his eyes making Remus’s head spin.
Sirius stumbles, someone dancing knocking into his back and Remus manages to steady him- placing his hands on his chest.
He looks down, they are so close. Remus could smell the cheap beer and cigarette ash on his breath as they stood mere inches from each other.
“Moons-” Remus swears he hears Sirius whisper, but his brain is fuzzy, nothing coming in or out- he can't think straight. The mixture of alcohol, music and the muggy temperature of the room making it hard to think, hard to breathe.
He probably should blame himself for fucking everything up. But he still blames Sirius, those eyes- that whisper of his name, that one word uttered that made Remus completely unravel at the seams.
Remus surges forward and presses his lips clumsily up against Sirius’s, holding his jaw to bring his face to his own.
He swears they stay like that for hours, the feeling of his lips on Sirius’s is intoxicating and Remus feels like he is floating.
But he was never floating.
He feels a hand on his chest and with a much bigger force than is necessary he is pushed back- causing him to stumble into the people dancing behind him and drawing the attention of the people gathered around.
He looks up and his stomach drops. he knows he fucked up.
He fucked everything up.
The look on Sirius’s face was hard to decipher, the blaring lights not helping as Remus squints to make out his expression. He looks confused- hurt even.
Disgust.
Sirius looks disgusted.
“Pads-” Remus instantly sobers, swallowing nervously as he glances around at the crowd that had formed around them.
“I ain’t queer.” Sirius blurts out, just as the music ends. The words cut through the room making every person turn their way, the room falling silent save for a few murmurs or gasps.
Remus freezes at those words, his jaw slightly slack. He’s rooted to the spot, and he can’t move, he can't think or open his mouth to speak.
Six years of his life spent liking him. Six years of stolen glances and longing thoughts, six years wasted in a single moment.
He can't breathe, he thinks he can hear someone calling his name. Lily maybe? Or it might've been James, but Remus does not care- it's like his world had been ripped to pieces. He feels an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia washing over him.
He pushes through the crowd of bodies, ignoring the glances in his direction he rushes through the portrait. Tears were unconsciously falling down his cheeks, the salt stinging his eyes as he rushed down the stairs.
He feels numb, like all feelings and emotion got sucked out of him along with those words. In the span of a minute, he had kissed and simultaneously been rejected by the boy he’s been in love with, in front of majority of the student body, practically being outed in the process.
The universe apparently lives to punish Remus Lupin.
And it's not even the rejection that hurts, because if he was given time to think before he acted, he would've gathered that Sirius probably wouldn't have kissed him back, because of course Sirius is straight, and they are just friends.
Just friends.
But it hurts now because they might not even be that now.
He’s not mad at Sirius though, maybe he should be- outing him to pretty much the whole student population. But he knows in good conscience Sirius didn't mean to. And Remus also acknowledges it was partly his fault. Sirius was drunk, maybe in shock.
Sirius had found out Remus was gay in fourth year. Remus was seeing a seeker from Ravenclaw, well if ‘seeing’ counts as making out behind the quidditch stands after matches. But Remus had forgotten the map- which meant Sirius had found them.
He was good about it; he had held Remus when he had broken down and promised to keep his secret- holding no judgement towards him or acting no differently around him.
Two years that was true for.
Remus found an alcove against a window, the hallway was almost pitch black, but Remus had used his wand to light up the pathway for him.
It was quiet, which Remus was thankful for. His head was throbbing, he didn't know if that was from the rush or the amount of alcohol.
He doesn't know how he is supposed to go back, how he is supposed to face everyone again. He doesn't even know if he can look Sirius in the eye anymore without feeling anything but shame and embarrassment.
He would apologize, once he got back. He knew he had messed things up, but he didn't want to ruin the friendship they had left.
He was selfish, he knew that. He kissed him- Remus had kissed Sirius in front of everyone, knowing Sirius was straight, knowing he wouldn't reciprocate the feeling.
Remus takes out a fag from his jean pocket and flicks on his lighter, placing the cigarette between his lips and inhaling deeply.
It wasn't just the alcohol that numbed Remus, made him feel okay for a bit- lighter almost. It was the cigarettes too. He would smoke with Sirius sometimes, when they could get away. Lily had always chastised him for it, said it was a nasty habit. But Remus knows that Lily wouldn't blame him for having one now.
“Mind if I bum that?” A voice jolts Remus back to the present, causing the cigarette to fall from his lips.
He turns as the figure sits beside him, and he squints to make out their face.
“Like what you see?” The boy chuckles, taking his own pack out
Remus doesn't reply, staring dumbly at the figure next to him.
“Light?”
Remus reaches into his pocket and holds it out wordlessly. The boy takes it, their hands grazing one another's momentarily.
His touch, however short- was almost comforting.
The boy takes a deep inhale before clearing his throat and speaking again.
“Black was a dick for that back there.”
Remus hurriedly wipes the tears he had forgotten were falling down his cheeks and clears his throat, his voice coming out hoarse.
“You know him then?”
“Who doesn't.” he drawls.
Remus manages to huff a laugh “yeah, I guess.”
They fall into a comfortable silence before the boy clears his throat.
“I can beat him up some if you want.” He adds, causing Remus to choke slightly on his smoke.
“No- no it was a mistake- he was drunk and-”
“You shouldn't really excuse his behavior you know; he literally outed you.”
Worse things have happened he wanted to say but he keeps his mouth shut.
Instead, he just hums in acknowledgment.
“When you left that ginger girl screamed at him- it was honestly kind of terrifying.”
“Who, Evans?” The boy nods. “Sounds like her.”
“I take it you and him are close then?”
“Yeah, me and Sirius we are- we were close”
“Personally, never liked the bloke, basically by default since I'm mates with his brother.”
Remus raises an eyebrow at this. “Regulus?”
“No, his other brother” He can't make out the figure’s expression in this lighting, but Remus could tell they rolled their eyes.
“So, you’re...?”
“Evan” He exhales the smoke from his lungs.
Remus tries to place the name in his mind. He doesn't know many Slytherins besides regulus and Dorcas, he never paid them much mind- the houses basically being in their own separate bubbles and rarely crossing paths.
“I’m sorry.” He breathes out and Remus raises an eyebrow.
“you’re... sorry?”
“Yeah, for what happened I mean. No one deserves to be outed like that” Sensing that Remus was going to interrupt he quickly adds. “Drunk confession or not. It still sucks, I would know.”
“you're gay?”
“Yeah- well kind of.” Remus makes a note to question that later. “It wasn't in front of the whole student body- not like that. But I had this friend back home, he would come over for parties my family hosted and so forth. He liked me and we well... we dated for a bit. In secret of course, you know how pureblood families are.” Remus snorts. “Anyway, he wanted to make it public, tell people- but I wasn't ready so I- I called it off.” His voice wavers slightly but he continues. “He crashed one of the parties, got wasted and outed me to my entire family.”
Remus didn’t miss the way his voice cracked on those last few words.
“I'm sorry.” He whispers, turning to face him.
They go silent for a moment, the weight of Evan’s words settling into his stomach.
“I haven't told anyone that before.” Evan finally replies.
“Why did you tell me?”
“Cause the world’s shit Remus, and maybe showing you you're not alone would make it a tad more bearable.”
Remus smiles sadly in response, taking another drag and raising his chin to exhale the smoke.
“You didn't deserve it either.”
It could be a trick of the light, but he swears he sees Evans' eyes glaze over.
“Yeah well, shitty things happen to decent-ish people, I guess.”
“I'm pretty sure that's not the saying.” Remus shakes his head, a hint of amusement behind his voice.
“Not gonna go round labelling myself as ‘good’ like some pretentious snob- I may be a Slytherin but that doesn’t mean I lack self-awareness.”
“Fair enough.” Remus shrugs.
“The offers still on the table you know.” he adds.
“You’re not beating up Sirius.” Remus sighs.
“Not me-” Evan starts. “Barty.”
And for the first time in weeks, Remus lets out a genuine laugh.
The next morning, Remus woke up with a knot in his chest. He feels empty as he walks down to the great hall beside Lily. He insisted he was fine walking down himself- but she stubbornly refused to back down, so Remus relented.
Some might say that Remus was handling it well, that he is so brave in choosing to ignore the cruel stares and wide eyes as he passed through the corridors. But the truth was that Remus was terrified.
He knew how pureblood families viewed topics such as these- he wasn't thick. Even without looking he felt the weight of the eyes of people glancing at him or whispering to each other mockingly as he made his way through the halls.
He felt naked, like he had been stripped in public as everyone stared. Of course, Remus wasn't ashamed, he was just scared. If he were to come out, it wouldn't have been on someone else's terms- and it definitely wouldn't have been in front of every single student in the school.
Remus wasn't mad at Sirius though. He should've been, but Lily and James were putting the work in for him. Sirius outed him, yes. But was it intentional? No.
Did that excuse it? He didn't know.
“Moony- I'm so sorry I fucked up. I was such a dick I didn't me-”
“It's fine.” Remus had cut through, no hint of emotion in his words.
“It's not though, it's not fine. moony what I said was way out of line and I-”
“I said its fine.” He snaps through gritted teeth.
And that was that.
Lily and Remus sat down in the great hall. Thankfully, most people seemed to be too hungover to care. He felt a few eyes on him as he slumped in his seat, but he brushed them off. He was used to it- after all being a half blood boy of one of the wealthiest ministry members and a mother who apparently went insane showing up to a magical school covered in scars, people will talk.
The eyes he couldn't stand though, were the looks his friends gave him. The looks conveying pity- like Remus was going to breakdown or go crazy, crazy like his mother.
He pretends to be listening to whatever heated conversation Marlene, Lily and Peter seem to be having, moving his food around on his plate robotically.
He could feel Sirius’s gaze on him the entire time, his eyes looking at him full of guilt, remorse. He supposes it should've made Remus feel better, knowing he didn't mean it, knowing he was sorry. But Remus just felt worse.
“What have you got first?”
He doesn't really hear her words, not flinching as he stares unmoving down at the plate
“Remus?”
He jolts up at the sound of his name “Hm?”
“What class have you got first?” Lily tilts her head.
“Oh um, potions I think.” He mumbles, dropping his head back down.
“Great.” She replies, almost too overenthusiastically to seem genuine. “You can walk with me then.”
She hops out of her seat and grabs Remus’s arm, practically dragging him out of the hall.
They don't speak. He doesn't know what to say or where he would even start. He hadn't really had an actual conversation since it happened, since Evan showed up in the hallway.
They sit down wordlessly, being some of the first people in. Luckily, Sirius didn't take potions. He couldn't bear the looks- the guilt-ridden stares and shameful glances. It didn't make Remus feel better, it just made him feel guilty.
He doesn't register the students entering the class or the lesson starting until Slughorn clears his throat.
“Okay class! Today, we will be studying and bruring a complex and surprisingly dangerous potion. Would anyone be able to identify the liquid in the cauldron?”
Of course, Lily’s hand shot up.
“Yes, miss Evans.”
“That is amortia sir, a love potion. You are supposed to smell the thing that you are attracted to. In using this potion, it could induce dangerous obsession with the person involved in the bruing.”
“Thank you miss Evans.” He claps his hands together “Five points to Gryffindor.”
She sends a smug smile in Remus’s direction, and he just rolls his eyes playfully and mouths the word swot, causing her to flip him the bird.
“Careful lads.” Snape suddenly calls out, a wicked grin plastered across his face making Remus feel mildly ill. “Would watch out for loony over there- probably gonna spike your drinks.”
Remus stiffens and Lily just scowls. “I wouldn't worry Snape. I don't think anyone's type is greasy slimeballs who’s most contact with an actual human being was when he was pushed out of his mother's v-”
“Enough!” Slughorn yelps. “Ten points from Gryffindor.”
Peter pipes up. “Thats hardly fair sir- Snape started it!”
“Would you like to deduct yourself another five points Pettigrew?”
He immediately shuts his mouth. Instead, settling for sending a glare in Snapes direction.
“What? Not gonna stand up for your boyfriend Lupin?” He sneers in response, turning his head round to face Remus.
Remus doesn’t really remember what happened. All he knew was one minute he was sat in his chair, the next his was on top of snape- fist raised above his nose, other hand fisting his collar as Snape stared up at him with wide eyes.
“Mr. Lupin!” Slughorn yells from behind him. “Get off Mr. Snape this instant!”
Remus’s breathing is uneven, His thoughts aren’t registering, his mind is empty as he stares blankly down at Snape. He wants desperately to do something for once. To feel something- anything. He craves the sound of the crunch as his fist collides with Snapes jaw.
“Remus!” A different voice calls out behind him.
Remus blinks. His mind clears and he looks down, his breathing erratic. He’s holding Snape’s collar- his eyes wide with fear.
He feels sick.
He drops his collar and stands up, stumbling back slightly as he runs his hands through his hair.
“Remus.” The voice repeats, quieter this time.
He shakes his head, his eyes still fixed on snapes- cowering on the ground.
He turns and walks out of the classroom into the empty hall, despite Slughorn's yells of protest. tugging on his tie, he leans against the wall.
He’s a monster.
He wanted to hurt snape- he wanted to hit him, to make him scared. He craved it, it was in his veins. He could feel it and it terrified him.
He stared down at his hands, trembling slightly. He could see blood, not that there was any. But he could still see it. The way it stained his hands and tainted everything around him.
It scared him, the way he couldn't control himself sometimes. The way that he could blink and seconds, minutes would pass by without him knowing nor remembering what he did.
It wasn't just himself he scared. He knew that he frightened snape. He knew his friends always tiptoed like they were walking on eggshells around him, just waiting for him to snap.
They were probably right, that's what hurt. It was inevitable- especially if they knew what he had, what he was.
He doesn't know how they will react; he doesn't want to find out. That night he uncovered the truth about his mother, he found something else. Another document was locked behind his father's door. Another secret kept from him.
The rest of the day passes with pitiful smiles and concerned glances sent in his direction, and before he knows it- he’s sitting at the feast, the winter sun replaced by the moon.
Remus had always hated the moon. Ever since his mum died, he had despised it.
Look out at the moon darling, it's so bright, its shining for you.
He knew she had lied.
It wasn't shining for him, it never was. The moon was dull, black and white in contrast with the stars. The stars shone much brighter than the moon, then he did.
Remus manages to make it through most of the feast with minimal chat. He kept to himself, not having the energy or patience to discuss the upcoming exams with peter or the latest quidditch scores with James.
Sirius hadn’t arrived yet, which was strange. He would usually be first down along with James. Remus raised his eyebrow at James in unspoken question, but he just shrugs in response, shaking his head.
And that was that.
The doors to the hall open and Sirius begins skipping over to the table looking far too pleased with himself. It's unfair, unfair that he doesn't get looked at with pitiful or cruel eyes. Sirius is admired. He always had been- he shines the brightest, that's his thing, it always has been.
“What's got you looking so happy?” Peter chimes up, drawing the others' attention.
“Ah my dear Pettigrew. All in good time.” He coos in a sing-song voice, plonking himself loudly next to James.
Lily looks over at him skeptically, narrowing her eyes.
A few minutes passed, and Remus was strangely on edge- the way Sirius kept glancing towards the entrance and the way he was trying to hide his smirk made alarm bells blare in his mind.
Snape walks in.
Remus felt sick.
He couldn't help picturing him cowering on the ground as Remus raised his fist. He couldn't help but see the fear in his eyes, the way he looked at Remus, like he was a monster.
“Sirius, what are you going to do.” Lily hisses, altering her gaze between Sirius and snape.
Sirius doesn't respond, instead his eyes are trained on snapes movements, watching him with a wicked grin plastered across his face.
James nudges Peter and nods his head up to the corner of the room.
Remus follows his gaze, and his eyes fix on a bucket of water that had obviously been charmed to float above the Slytherin table
“How did you-” James starts, pushing up his glasses and gaping.
“Simple- plain ‘ol levitation spell binded with a timing charm. In exactly 35 seconds-” He checks his wrist as if he had a watch on, “that bucket right there will give Snivelus a much-needed shower.”
“You’re an idiot.” Lily scoffs in disbelief.
“No, I’m practical.” Sirius grins. “I've got you to thank anyway lils, after what you said to him- I think you mentioned the words ‘greasy slimeball’.”
Lily just shakes her head in defeat.
Remus can't speak. He couldn't move his gaze away from that bucket- from the water that had 15 seconds until it was drenching Snape in front of the entire student body.
Remus should feel good about this. But it's always about what he should feel. Remus knows humiliation; he’s dealt with it throughout his whole life. Sure, snape was an arse- but no one deserved that. No one deserved to feel that level of shame or embarrassment.
Sirius doesn't understand. He possibly never will. He’s always been the popular one, loved by the school. He’s never had to deal with the cruel glances, or the whispered rumours sent his way.
10 seconds.
“Moony?” James’s voice calls skeptically as Remus stands.
“Moons, sit down or you’ll miss the best part” Sirius pouts- looking practically giddy with excitement which makes Remus’s insides twists.
Remus pushes over to the Slytherin table, craning his neck up to look at the bucket hovering over Snapes head.
“Loony.” Snape sneers. “What do you w-”
“Just move Snape.” Remus urges, not diverting his gaze from the bucket.
“Piss off l-”
Remus manages to shove Snape away.
One second.
Remus gasps when the bucket spills over him instead, the icy water stinging his skin as he squeezes his eyes shut.
Some people in the hall turn to gape, others laugh or stare. Remus wipes the water from his face, moving the wet hair sticking to his forehead from his eyes.
He looks up and meets Sirius’s gaze. He is stood up- his eyes wide as he stares slack jawed at Remus. James and Lily also look horrified- James both dazed and shocked while Lily covers her mouth.
Not moving his gaze from Sirius, he casts a quick drying charm over himself- trying not to let the tears of humiliation fall from his eyes, not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction.
Instead, he turns on his heels and walks out the entrance without a word.
“Moony!”
He keeps walking.
“Moony stop!”
Remus turns around suddenly, causing Sirius to flinch slightly.
“What.” He spits.
“Moony I don't get it- he was a jerk so I-”
“So, you what? You decided that fucking pranking him would fix it, like always. You thought that drenching him with water in front of the whole school would magically make me become an ally or just fuck off completely?”
Sirius opens his mouth to speak but is cut off.
“I don't want to hear another excuse Sirius- I can't handle it. It's never your fault, it's always someone else's. I'm sorry you had a fucked-up childhood, and your parents treated you like shit- but you don't get to blame what you did to me on them. It was you- you did this to me. Snape said some messed up shit but if you learned to shut your mouth for once, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!”
Sirius’s eyes go wide, and he looks as if he is going to protest.
“No Sirius, you’re not doing the talking this time because we all know where that got you last time. You don't get it- you never will! You can't fix everything; some things just can't be fixed. A stupid, childish prank wasn't going to make this go away Sirius. Maybe in your little fantasy land everything is just that easy, but that's not how the world works. So maybe- for once you will try to fucking think before you open your mouth to speak! Or maybe you were about to share another one of my secrets, huh? Maybe you were going to remind everyone that I'm gay- or- tell everyone I have bipolar and I'm a fucking lunatic, or even better! How about you share the fact that my mum ki-”
He choked on his last words, his voice wavering as he finally registered the tears falling from his eyes.
He brings a hand up to his cheek and wipes it, squeezing his eyes shut so he doesn't have to see Sirius’s shocked expression, or Lily’s, or James’s.
“I’m sorry moony I'm so so sorry.” Sirius breathes out, stepping towards him making Remus back up in response, shaking his head.
“I was a dick, and I don't deserve to be forgiven- I know... I know it was my fault and I'm so sorry-”
Thankfully there wasn't a scene like in the common room. He suspected that to be Lily and James’s doing- but Sirius had heard. James and Lily had heard, he didn't know who else... did anyone else know?
Fuck
He hadn't meant to say what he did- the words just came spilling out. It's too late, it's always too late. He can't take his words back now.
He almost told them about his mum, the one person he’s kept to himself all these years, the one secret that's just for him- a memory no one else is allowed. Not Sirius, not James and certainly not his father.
“I love you Moony and if I could take back those words I would- I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me.”
I love you too, he wanted to scream. But he didn't mean it in that way, no one ever meant it in that way.
And the worst part is, is that Remus can't trust him. He can't even trust himself anymore.
The next few moments pass in a haze. Sirius is speaking- so is James. Remus is running.
He doesn't really remember it, nor does he remember reaching the dorm room and slamming the door.
The only thing he remembers is the fact that when he did run, no one followed.
He doesn't come down for transfiguration. Instead, he just lays staring blankly up at the wooden ceiling. It's quiet, he knows eventually he will have to face them all, he can practically already feel the shame clawing at his chest just thinking about it. But for now, it's quiet.
He finally got the energy to move at around ten. It was late, the sun had long set and Remus hesitantly pulled open his curtains.
There is a plate of food from the feast he didn't attend, and he manages a slight smile. James was already asleep- he usually went to sleep earlier to get up a completely unreasonable hour in the morning for quidditch training.
The others are in the common room, he can just about hear the muffled conversation below his feet as he stands from the bed, stretching his legs.
He still can't deal with them, not tonight.
Trying his best not to wake James, he shuffles towards his bed and grabs the invisibility cloak from his nightstand.
James was snoring loudly, his glasses crooked around his nose as his hair strayed chaotically on the pillow.
Remus suppresses a laugh as he gently takes James’s glasses and folds them neatly, placing them on his bedside before finally walking out.
He passes everyone in the common room, the cloak wrapped securely around him. They're all huddled around the fire, talking in hushed voices to one another.
“-can’t believe Remus never told us.”
Remus pauses, his heartbeat picking up as he stops to listen to the conversation.
“I mean- there were signs weren't there?” Lily added quietly.
“He never mentioned it, now I think about it- he hasn't really mentioned anything about himself.” Peter replies, his voice almost skeptical.
“Thats true” Mary cuts in, nodding her head. “I mean what has he really told us? I couldn't even tell you where he lives or what his dad does.”
“I overheard my dad talking with his work mates” Peter starts. “There's rumours that he killed his wife, tried to cover it up.”
Remus tenses, his blood running cold and his legs going numb.
“It's none of our business” Sirius snaps. “It's a rumour for a reason and if Moony hasn't told us, he hasn't for a reason.”
Remus rushes out, silently thankful for Sirius's interruption but he can't bring himself to listen anymore. He is aware he probably drew the attention of everyone in the common room when the portrait slammed shut.
The walk to the astronomy tower is a short trek, and in a few minutes, Remus is pulling the invisibility cloak from over him and letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He leans against the railing, letting the crisp autumn air fill his lungs.
He pulls out a cigarette from his robe. He's gotten bad over the last week. Usually, he was more of a social smoker, only smoking at the parties or when Sirius did. But now he couldn't go so much as a couple of hours without one. Mostly, he just liked occupying his fingers. They provided a sort of distraction for Remus; it was dangerous to be left with his thoughts for too long.
“Those things will kill you one day you know?” A voice startles Remus, and he turns around, his back up against the railing.
“You might get there first if you keep coming out of nowhere like that Rosier.” Remus shakes his head, the sudden tension leaving his shoulders as the figure walks into view.
Evan smirks in response, walking over and standing next to him against the railing.
“Maybe, but what are Slytherins if not sly and mysterious.” He wiggles his eyebrows and Remus rolls his eyes, turning his gaze back onto the grounds below.
“I wouldn't describe Slytherins as mysterious, more like pricks.”
Evan covers his heart in mock offense.
“And Gryffindors are so high and mighty?”
Remus smiles. “No actually, most Gryffindors are just fake martyrs.”
“As opposed to you?” Evan raises an eyebrow.
Remus just shrugs, taking a drag of his cigarette.
“What're you doing up here this late anyway Lupin?”
“Ah well, I was going to kill myself, but my plans are kind of ruined now you showed up Rosier.” Remus deadpans.
Evan’s lip twitches at the corners. “Don't let me spoil your fun.”
They settle into a comfortable silence until Evan takes Remus’s wrist, causing him to stiffen. But Evan just tilts his head and moves his mouth over to his hand, taking a drag from the cigarette between Remus’s fingers.
“It's not often you come across a Gryffindor with an actual sense of humor.”
“Not often you come across a Slytherin that hasn't tried to hex me yet.” Remus quips.
Evan exhales the smoke, looking back up to face Remus. “Who's to say I won't?”
“Well, are you going too?” Remus quirks an eyebrow.
Evan doesn't reply, his eyes lingering on Remus before turning back to face the courtyard below.
“I'm not like that.” He starts quieter.
Remus raises an eyebrow.
“You know, hexing half-bloods and muggleborns- all that shit. Not really my thing.”
Remus immediately feels guilty and rushes to correct himself. “I know, I didn't mean-”
Evan waves him off quickly “I know, it's just what most people assume. I'm not a great person but I'm not stupid either- I know all that talk of blood supremacy is bullshit.”
“Why?” Remus asks slowly. “I mean I obviously agree, but it seems like you have an opposing opinion to majority of the people in your house.”
“Well for starters, I don't have anything against muggleborns, a lot of my friends back home are actually muggles.” Evan shrugs. “Besides, most of them are either inbred or racists, so as a coloured gay guy who has no intent on marrying their cousin- I'm not sure I'll be exactly welcomed with open arms.” He shrugs.
Remus huffs out a laugh.
“Also, cigarettes are a muggle invention. And so, help me God if in a years' time I can't smoke, I think I'll follow your lead in jumping off the tower.”
Remus shakes his head, trying to suppress the smile playing on his lips as he takes another drag.
Evan grins.
“Why are you up here anyway?” Remus tilts his head.
“Because you are.”
Remus raises an eyebrow in question and Evan shakes his head.
“You four marauders aren't the brightest, are you?”
Remus’s eyes widen slightly in confusion. “Wha-”
“The marauders map? It's not hard to notice- considering one of you always have it open.”
Remus’s mouth shapes into a perfect ‘o’.
“Not hard to steal either” Evan winks.
“Right so- you stole the map”
“Correction, Barty stole it.”
“Of course.” Remus shakes his head before continuing. “So- Barty stole the map- and what? You saw me in the astrology tower and decided to keep me company?”
“Kinda, mainly to bum a fag but sure we’ll go with yours.”
Remus rolls his eyes playfully.
“But also, to see you.” He adds barely audibly. Remus thinks that he might've even imagined him saying it.
He watches Evan as he takes a drag, his chin tilted up as he inhales the smoke, the moonlight reflecting off his dark skin.
Holy shit.
Something inside Remus flips in that moment and his jaw hangs open slightly. His eyes- they're so... blue. not a bright blue though, not like the sky. They made Remus feel like he was on fire, like he was melting. He hadn't realized blue could be such a hot fire until it burnt him.
“Anyone ever tell you you’ve got a staring problem lupin?”
Remus blinks, unaware he was staring for so long.
“Yeah, you.”
Evan shakes his head, trying to fight off a grin.
“Thank you, by the way” Remus faces away from him now.
Evan raises an eyebrow “For what?”
“If you actually meant what you said- and it was to keep me company. I needed it”
Evan’s expression softens and he turns back to the sky. “I meant it, but I think I needed it just as much as you.”
Without thinking, Remus moves his hand to Evans wrist to bring the fag back up to his lips.
Evan flinches at the sudden contact but doesn't pull away as Remus breathes in the smoke.
Evan is staring back at Remus now, something calculating behind his eyes. Remus doesn't pull his gaze away either.
He doesn't register leaning in, nor does he process that fact that Evan isn't pushing away.
Remus moves his head forward and his lips brush against Evans momentarily.
‘He feels a hand on his chest and with a much bigger force than is necessary he is pushed back’
Disgust.
Sirius looks disgusted
Remus breaks the kiss, stumbling back in panic.
He feels his cheeks flush with colour and he squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting to see the look of disgust painted on Evan’s face.
“I'm sorry I don't know w-”
He’s cut off with Evan stepping forward and breaking the distance, crashing his lips against Remus’s.
He freezes momentarily, his eyes snapping open in surprise before melting into it and responding eagerly.
-----
“Sirius is an idiot.” Evan breathes out, pulling away, their faces only inches apart and Remus huffs out a laugh in response.
“Glad to hear that's the first person that comes to mind when you kiss me.” Remus teases.
Evan rolls his eyes. “For not kissing you back I mean.”
Remus huffs out a laugh, shaking his head.
Evan immediately responds to this by grabbing his tie and bringing him in for another kiss.
The sound of someone clearing their throat makes both of them jump, pushing apart.
Regulus is standing at the entrance with his hand covering his eyes.
“Please tell me I did not just see you just sucking face with Lupin, Rosier?”
Evan tries his best to hide his smile.
“Not at all.”
Regulus removes his hands from his eyes and glances between the two with his eyebrows raised.
“What were you doing then.”
“Homework.” Evan grins and Remus covers his mouth.
“Your... homework with Lupin, at 11, in the astronomy tower.” Regulus continues skeptically, eyebrow raised.
“Yup.” Evan says simply, shrugging.
Regulus scoffs rolling his eyes. “Fine, I'll humor you. What's the homework.”
“Physical anatomy.”
Remus chokes and quickly covers his mouth and Evan just smiles innocently, hitting Remus’s back.
“Right.” Regulus looks between the two of them is disdain. “Well, the other prefects will be making their rounds soon so maybe um- wrap up the homework.” He rolls his eyes before walking back out.
Evan bursts into laughter and Remus shakes his head, trying to fight off the grin on his lips.
“Physical anatomy, really?”
“Did I lie?”
“Your such an idiot” Remus rolls his eyes, huffing
They both fall into silence, leaning against the railing.
“I should probably-” Remus starts.
“Yeah, me too” Evan cuts in, chewing his bottom lip.
Remus nods and Evan backs up towards the door.
“I’ll see you”
Their gaze lingers momentarily before Evan walks out and Remus turns back towards the sky, feeling lighter- a genuine smile on his face.
Look out at the moon darling, it's so bright, its shining for you.
For the first time, Remus believes her.
Remus pushes the door open, walking slowly to not wake the others as he enters the dorm. The lights are out, and the castle is quiet, save from the occasional thrum of wind on the window.
He closes the door behind him and exhales a breath quietly, leaning his back against the door.
“Remus-”
Remus jumps, his head hitting the door in shock.
“Fucking hell Pete, give me some warning next time.” Remus hisses loudly, rubbing the back of his neck.
Peter gives him a sheepish smile.
That one look grounds him. He’s not in the astrology tower now and the memories come back- sinking a hole in the pit of his stomach.
“Now I think about it- he hasn't really mentioned anything about himself.”
Peter sees his change of expression and wrings his hands nervously. “Remus-”
He goes to stand up and Remus pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Can we not do this tonight, Pete.” Peter opens his mouth to protest. “Please” He adds, quietly pleading.
Peter studies his face for a second before his own expression softens.
“Yeah, okay”
Remus shoots him a grateful smile before walking over to his bed, pulling the curtains open.
“Where have you been though- we've been worried.”
Remus lets a smile grow on his face unconsciously.
“Homework.”
Peter raises an eyebrow but doesn't question it further and Remus falls back onto the bed.
“Night Moony” Peter calls before shutting his own curtains.
“G’night Pete.” Remus whispers back, letting his eyes close.
For the first time in years, Remus didn't think of his mother or Sirius as he drifted off to sleep. His father didn't even cross his mind.
Instead, the last thing he saw was a pair of ocean blue eyes grinning back at him.