Like a Moth to Flame

His room at Grimmauld place is cold. It was always cold these days, despite being on the top floor of his parent’s estate. Sirius wasn’t allowed in the library anymore, nor the drawing room, kitchen, dining room, foyer, or guest room without express permission. He could be, if he would talk. If he would denounce his past and pledge himself to his family’s ideals. If he would do anything other than look at his mother incredulously until she lost control and took his from him. It was a loose loose situation, but Sirius didn’t deserve to win. His mother had always told him he needed to learn restraint, finally Sirius agreed. It was his words that had hurt Remus, nearly gotten Snape killed. He’d never let that happen again. Besides, Sirius didn’t have anything to say anyway. Not to this wretched family.

The knock on the door startled Sirius. He hadn’t noticed the footsteps approaching, giving him less clues about who was here. It wasn’t a descript knock, just three even paced taps. They were too high up to be Kreacher, he supposed. But that still meant it could be Mother, or Father, or Regulus, or the doctor. Sirius prayed it wasn’t the doctor. He didn’t answer the knock because he didn’t talk now, not unless forced. The person behind the door didn’t wait for his answer before entering, though. The door was unlocked, which surprised Sirius, though he didn’t know why it should. He hadn’t left bed all day, he hadn’t been told to, he didn’t have the energy.

Sirius heared the sigh before hearing the door close. It’s Regulus, Sirius can tell by the way that he breathes. Sirius relaxed as he realized his visitor was the least lethal of all his possibilities, he didn’t bother to look up at his brother.

“It smells horrible in here.”

Sirius managed to sit up as Regulus made his way across the room towards the bay of windows. A smile spread across Sirius’s face as Regulus struggled to open any of the windows and air the room out.

“What the-why don’t these open?!”

Sirius manged to catch the attention of his brother. He took two of his fingers and made them dance up next to his face. Then, he made the finger person jump all the way down to the mattress and splat. Sirius crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out to look dead, then he started laughing. It was the first time he’d laughed in months. Not because it was funny, per say, though it was funny. It was true, it was hilarious. Or well, the look on Regulus’s face when he realized Sirius wasn’t lying was hilarious. If he didn’t laugh, he might explode, or pass out. Sitting up had made him a little nauseous and dizzy.

Regulus doesn’t have much patience for Sirius’s joking. Whatever brought him here had a purpose, and Regulus had an agenda for it.

“You need to shower. Now.” Regulus warned Sirius as he approached the foot of his brother’s bed.

Ugh, why? Sirius thought as he scrubbed his face in his hands. Getting up seemed like so much work. When was the last time he ate?

“Mum wants you at dinner tonight.” Regulus said as if he knew what Sirius was thinking. “It’s good to see you’re alive.”

Had he died and come back? Sirius didn’t understand the figure of speech and he couldn’t be too sure he hadn’t, time had stopped working how it was supposed to for Sirius. Days could be minutes, hours could be months. He hadn’t been allowed to dinner since his cousin’s birthday. Ever since, he’d been living off of the stale bread and cold porridge Kreacher brought up every so often.

Sirius groaned as Regulus stripped the sheets off his bed. They were the only blankets he had, Mother had hidden or locked away most of his nice things. Sirius didn’t understand the point of Regulus’s effort, but then again he couldn’t remember the last time he’d bathed.

“Dinner is in two hours.” Regulus’s voice tetherd Sirius to the moment. “You need to be ready by then.”

There’s no point in trying, Sirius knew that, but the cold shiver that ran down his spine reminded him that inaction is the wrong choice. Regulus is stressed about this, it’s obvious. Sirius worried that there might be repercussions for his brother if he’s not appropriately presentable tonight. It’s only at the idea of his mother threatening Regulus the way she did him that got Sirius stirring out of bed. His bones ached as he put weight on them. His hips and his knees and his ankles cracked as they moved and his spine was tight and raw. His skin stretched and pulled uncomfortably. He felt blistered and burnt, but that had to be a figment of his imagination. So much in his mind was just just foolishness. Sirius was thinner than he used to be, his eyes were sunken and unfocused. His whole body had a tremor to it if one looked close enough, though they didn’t need to look further than his hands to notice the tremble.

Regulus stayed quiet as Sirius stood and hobbled his way towards the door. He didn’t make eye contact with his older brother either, nor did he make any move at leaving the room once Sirius did. Normally, Sirius would be upset about that, but he didn’t have the energy to feel much of anything anymore. He had nothing to hide, Mother had taken his belongings and gone through them long ago. Whatever Reggie wanted right now was fine. It was the first time his brother had talked to him in weeks, and Sirius had a feeling he was only here to protect himself. Sirius couldn’t figure out why, but it didn’t matter. He did stink, a shower might not be a bad idea.

The bathroom that the Black brothers shared was at the end of the hall. It wasn’t particularly large or comfortable, but it’s generally an area his mother avoids. A shiver ran up Sirius’s back as his bare feet make contact with the tile. Sirius faced the wall, his back to the mirror, and stripped his shirt off. He knows how to turn the knobs of the shower on, though he doesn’t really feel like himself doing it. Hot water before cold, otherwise it will never heat up. Sirius wondered distantly why he even bothered, the hot water hadn’t worked in ages. Still, he watched as it poured from the shower head, hitting the smooth porcelain and flowing down the large iron drain.

For a second time that day, a knock on the door had startled Sirius. He didn’t move at first. His instinct was to believe it was mother and that he was in trouble. Not that he didn’t deserve it, he was always getting in trouble. He wondered if he was even supposed to be using this bathroom right now.

“You forgot a towel, and your robe.” It’s Regulus, and Sirius’s heart is able to relax in his chest. He stood again to make his way towards the door.

Regulus was shorter than Sirius, he stood better than Sirius did too and was very well groomed. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his brother smile, but it wasn’t easy to smile here. Sirius wasn’t expecting Regulus to look quite so repulsed as Sirius accepted his items. The mirror had started to fog, making it easy for Sirius to miss the discolored marks and poorly healed scars that dotted his body. Sirius didn’t spend too much time thinking about his brother’s face, though.

The shower was warm. Somehow, Sirius had forgotten how bathing could be anything other than frigid. It was nice at first. It loosened his muscles, relaxed his joints. He wondered if this is what Moony Remus felt like after a Full. Remus loved the prefect’s baths after a Full. He’d use them alone, so close to lights out that nobody else dared try. Sirius would stand guard for him, a few times he’d joined Remus. Don’t think about Remus. A wall goes up in Sirius’s mind whenever he thinks about the other, it had to. It’s safer that way. He still didn’t know what this dinner tonight was going to be about.

The warm water begins to ache, though. The soap and the rag sting wounds that are yet to heal. Sirius feels as though his skin may melt off like a tomato after being blanched if he continues with this luxury. Quickly and impulsively, Sirius shut up the warm water, dousing him back into the frigid cold. His muscles tense, his joints ache, his skin does feel like it’s peeling off in places, he’s more awake than he had been in a while. Stupid Sirius. He can only tolerate the cold for a few moments before the muscles in his hands constrict and his back tightened up. He fumbles as he tries to turn the other knob off and nearly falls as he tries to step out of the shower. The towel hurts to use, Sirius changed to the robe instead. His hair continued to drip down his shoulders. He’d forgotten how to dry it.

On his bedside table was a glass of water, a piece of toast with jam, and an orange. Sirius tried not to be confused about it. There were the semblances of an outfit laid out on his bed: the undermost layer. Of course he wouldn’t be allowed access to his full outfit yet. Sirius went for the bread first, then the water. The jam was sweet, it was the sweetest thing he’d had in ages. Sweeter than the fancy chocolates he’d buy for Moony Remus. Don’t think about Remus. Sirius didn’t startle when there was a knock on his door frame, he knew Reggie was coming for him.

The figure in the doorway did not speak as he watched Sirius eat his toast. Only after he’d finished did Regulus make himself known. “Kreacher will be up in a minute to…..help you.” Conversations with Regulus didn’t used to be difficult. It had been years since they’d been regularly pleasant, but before Sirius visually became the family disappointment, they used to be nice. Competitive, sure. Their education was private up until they attended Hogwarts, they only really had each other to outperform, but it wasn’t strained how it was now. Sirius liked his younger brother, honestly. Regulus was a good kid. He was smart as a whip and could be more determined than even Sirius was when he put his mind to something. He was quiet, but only in public, and quite funny when he wanted to be. Sirius hadn’t seen him laugh in ages. There’s no hint of joy in Regulus’s voice. “Then you’ll come to my room and I’ll help you get ready.”

His voice is strained but Regulus has been exceptionally kind to Sirius today. The older wondered why he was being so helpful. Outside of Sirius’s mandated social times like tonight, Sirius had only ever seen Regulus behind half closed doors or in shadows. Sirius wanted to ask why, but when he went to try and speak, he found he’d lost his courage. He watched as Regulus nodded and walked off to his bedroom. As promised, Kreacher took Regulus’s place only a minute or so afterwards. Unlike Regulus, he was holding items in his hands and closed the door behind him. With a snap of his fingers, Kreacher made Sirius’s school trunk slide out to the middle of the room.

“Sit.”

Sirius wasn’t typically one to be obedient, but he listened to the house elf and sat atop the trunk. He couldn’t open the trunk no matter how hard he’d tried, he wasn’t sure what all was packed away in it. Likely most of the things that had been packed in it before, but he didn’t know. Mother kept most of his things hidden away recently. It’s fine, Sirius thought. He was a danger to himself anyway.

“Robe down.”

Again, Sirius obeyed his command. He couldn’t help himself even if he wanted to, but he didn’t have a reason to protest. It was his mother he enjoyed angering, not Regulus.

The feeling of alcohol along Sirius’s back stung. The boy flinched. He couldn’t tell if Kreacher reprimanded him for moving or not. The sensation had brought about a memory and before he could do much about it, Sirius was in the small cellar of his parents’ estate.

“Stand up” The distinct difference in tone shook Sirius out of his trance. He was back in his room, looking down at Kreacher who was now in front of him shouting orders. This must not have been the first time he asked Sirius to stand, he sounded too frustrated for it to be the first time.

Sirius did as he was told and stood. He hadn’t realized that he was already in his undergarments. Had Kreacher changed him into those as well?

“Off now, Master Regulus wants you.”

The walk down the hall wasn’t treacherous but Sirius’s body didn’t work the way it used to. His joints were less stable, his balance was off, but his journey was no more than ten steps down the hall. Regulus was waiting for him when he arrived. His room was cleaner than Sirius’s, despite the fact that it had exponentially more things in it. He’d prepared for Sirius’s arrival. His window was cracked open, letting fresh air in. There was a chair in front of it, a nice one with padding to it, not a plain wooden one.

“Come, sit.” The chair was for Sirius. The fresh air was nice. Not that the air in London on any random day was particularly nice, but the breeze was good and the multitude of smells kept Sirius’s mind occupied as his brother took in his appearance and made a plan.

“You didn’t dry your hair.” Regulus chided. He was prepared for something like this, though. His radiator had been on, and over it was a towel. Regulus’s hands guided his brother to bending over, then Reg helped Sirius wrap his hair up in the warm towel. He returned to the radiator and turned it off. His room was not cold like Sirius’s. He had no idea why Sirius’s room was so frigid.

“Well then. Was your shower nice?”

Sirius didn’t answer with anything more than a shrug. He couldn’t right remember, he wouldn’t know how to quantify nice.

“I see Kreacher treated your wounds. Got you dressed. Did you thank him?”

Sirius flinched, remembering the sting, but then he shrugged again. He supposed Kreacher had. He hadn’t really remembered that either.

“Of course you didn’t.” Regulus sighed. “I’ll thank him for you, I suppose.” Regulus took the towel off of Sirius’s head then and watched as Sirius shook it out like a dog. The younger brother frowned in disgust, but ignored the behavior as best he could. He took a comb off of his dresser and began brushing Sirius’s hair. It was longer now, longer than Regulus’s. He was allowed to keep it that long only so long as he was able to manage it and keep it pulled back in a low ponytail when seen in public. As if his family actually allowed him out in public anymore. Sirius wasn’t even sure he’d be allowed to return to Hogwarts next year. If he couldn’t make progress in his therapies, he may not be allowed anything.

The two brothers sat in silence for many minutes as Regulus brushed out and entangled Sirius’s mess of hair. He trimmed some of it off, where the tangles became too much and he couldn’t get his comb through. An inch or three came off in total, but it evened everything out. His hair had gotten a little choppy. Sirius barely noticed after he saw the scissors come out. He focused instead on the floor and controlling the pace of his breathing.

“I found the food you hid in your closet.” Regulus finally admitted, breaking the silence they had been sharing.

Sirius blinked up at his brother. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was talking about.

“I was looking for your outfit tonight. There were bowls and bowls of porridge in your wardrobe, Sirius.” Regulus commented. “That’s what smelled so bad. Some of them had maggots, and flies.” Regulus was good at keeping his voice tempered and even, but Sirius could hear the hint of disgust, of worry in his voice.

Sirius shrugged again. Where was he supposed to be putting them? He had hardly remembered putting them there at all. He remembered Kreacher bringing them sometimes, but time was sort of a blur for him recently.

“Is Kreacher not taking your meals when you finish?” Regulus asked. Again, all Sirius did was shrug.

“And are you not eating? Is that all they’re sending you?”

Another shrug.

The frustration in Regulus’s tone grew. Sirius hadn’t meant to anger him, but Sirius was exceptionally skilled at angering people. Even without meaning to, he managed to do it.

“You’re going to have to talk, you know.” His brother’s tone was pointed, upset and frustrated and in need of control. He almost sounds like mother. When Sirius didn’t respond to his brother’s comment, Regulus continued. “They’re not going to like it if you don’t talk. You’re going to have to talk tonight so….why not practice it on me? Just...say something, yeah? Anything.”

But Sirius didn’t talk. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t even know if his vocal chords would work. He couldn’t remember the last time he said anything. Probably at his cousin’s birthday, he couldn’t remember how long ago that was.

“You could tell me to fuck off, even. That’d make you happy, I suppose. I wouldn’t tell mother.”

Except Sirius wasn’t entirely sure that Regulus wouldn’t tell their mother. He couldn’t see what would be in it for Regulus to do so, but he also knew that Regulus would do what he had to to survive. Sirius couldn’t blame him, not entirely. It wasn’t Regulus’s fault Sirius was such a horrible son. It wasn’t Regulus’s fault that Sirius was in this position.

“You’ve talked before. Used to be unable to shut you up.” Was this Regulus’s attempt at a joke? Sirius didn’t find it funny. He looked down again. “You talked at other functions this year. You’ve talked at dinners.” Regulus replied.

I was forced to, Sirius thought. He hadn’t realized it at first, but after the third or fourth time being imperiused, the warm cuddly feeling it brings becomes noticeable. It begins feeling less warm and comfortable.

Sirius caught the look on Regulus’s face. It only lasted for a moment, but he looked disgusted. Sirius wondered what made him do that.

“Mum asked me to get you ready today.” Regulus changed the topic after a moment. “For tonight’s dinner.”

Sirius still didn't know what the dinner tonight was about, what would be expected of him, or why it was happening. As if he could read Sirius’s mind, Regulus replied.

“It’s a test. Tonight is a test, to see how you’ve been doing with your treatments.”

Sirius’s blood ran cold. His heart sank into his stomach and for a moment, he forgot how to breathe.

“You’ll do fine. It’s an easy test. Just us, no company.”

What will they do to me if I fail? Sirius wondered.

“They’re going to want you to talk.”

Sirius frowned, hummed, and shook his head. His voice didn’t feel like his own anymore, he didn’t want to own it. He didn’t know what he would say or how it would be received. Tension cut through his vocal chords like a knife. They were tight and unused. Anything he tried to say would come out wrong. He didn’t have anything to say.

“You don’t have to say much. Just something.” Mother was anxious about it, which made Regulus worry. Regulus didn’t know what to do other than to pressure Sirius. Everyone was nervous about how tonight would go.

It wasn’t like it was that easy, really. He’d tried speaking, privately, to himself. Whenever Sirius opened his mouth, he remembered what he’d told Severus, he remembered the feeling of the scars down his back and sides. His throat always felt like it was about to close in on him, he couldn’t risk those words again. He couldn’t risk that pain again.

He was shaking. Despite the warm fresh air in Regulus’s room, Sirius was shaking. A blanket wrapped around his shoulder helped. It was soft and heavy. Sirius used to have a comforter like this, but it wasn’t this soft anymore, it wasn’t this heavy or this warm. Sirius could feel Regulus press something into his hands: an orange. Was it the orange from before? Sirius’s hands shook too much to do much more than hold it at first, but his brother’s hands held over his. They steadied Sirius’s hands, showed Sirius where he’d started to peel it, where he could focus his attention. He helped Sirius’s nail pick at the skin, he praised him for peeling a bit of orange peel off.

“Keep doing that, Then eat the fruit inside.”

The orange kept Sirius occupied while Regulus got himself ready. The citrus stung his cuticles, but he didn’t mind the pain. It was negligible compared to what he was used to enduring, but it hurt just enough to keep Sirius focused on the present task at hand. He’d finished peeling about half of it by the time Regulus had finished styling his hair, all smoothed back and coif. Sirius hadn’t eaten any of his fruit yet, he hadn’t thought to. Regulus looked disappointed when he turned back towards his brother and realized.

“Go on, eat it.” Regulus returned to Sirius’s side and broke off a slice for him.

Sirius had eaten oranges before. He’d eaten plenty of fruit in his lifetime, but if he were to be asked today, he wouldn’t be able to tell you what any of them tasted like. Everything for him had been so grey as of late. The burst of flavor when Sirius bit into his slice, both sour and sweet, had taken him by arrest. It had been so long since he’d felt so much of anything that wasn’t pain. It had been so long since he’d tasted anything so dynamic. Sirius’s fingers pulled at another slice, stuffing it into his mouth before he’d properly chewed the second one.

“You’ll have to eat slower at dinner tonight.” Regulus reminded Sirius, but the older was paying no mind to his brother.

Regulus sighed, resigning himself to the task at hand, and returned to his spot behind Sirius’s chair. His hands were careful as he brushed through Sirius’s hair once more. He tied his brother’s hair back with a black silk ribbon. For a moment he contemplated putting it in a braid, to keep the hair from curling and looking unruly as it dried, but he decided against it. Instead, he opted for oils to try and keep it more manageable. Regulus turned to his wardrobe and pulled two outfits out. He lay them across his bed before returning to his brother. The orange was nearly finished, he took the fruit from his brother and replaced it with a damp cloth.

“Clean up your hands, then we’ll get dressed.” Regulus could only really tell that Sirius heard him because he watched his brother take the cloth. He tried not to know was going on with Sirius and his treatments, he tried to stay out of his brother’s business, but whatever therapies his parents had been subjecting Sirius to had evidently eroded his mind. He should have known Sirius would lose it. Someone in this family was bound to. Still, it was difficult to see his older brother so changed. If he could just get Sirius through tonight, perhaps he would still have a chance.

There was a button on Regulus’s wall, he pressed it. Kreacher would be notified that he was needed and Regulus knew his friend would be up in less than three minutes time. Regulus busied himself with putting his outfit for dinner on. By the time Regulus had gotten his shirt buttoned and his trousers on, Kreacher was at the door knocking.

“Come in.”

Regulus nodded to Kreacher as he entered the room and signaled for the house elf to close the door. He then motioned Kreacher towards him, in the farthest corner of the room from Sirius.

“Thank you for cleaning him up.” Regulus wants to ask how bad it was, what the damage came from, why Sirius was so badly injured but he didn’t. He knew better than to ask questions he didn’t want the answer to. He already knew more than he wanted to, he was already too involved. He worried that this was as much his test as it was Sirius’s tonight. Sirius was his brother, yes, and he was worried about him, but Regulus knew that stepping a single toe out of line would only cause more trouble for him. Surely Sirius understood that. Regulus didn’t necessarily agree with everything his family did, but he still wanted to stay in their good graces.

“Of course, Master Regulus.”

Regulus hesitated. He looked back over at his brother, who was finding comfort in the blanket draped over his shoulders, sighed, and turned back to Kreacher. “Is he always like this?”

Kreacher had more experience with Sirius these days. If anyone would give him an honest answer, it would be his friend. Regulus watched as Kreacher faltered, that did little to settle the young Master Black.

“He has his good days and his bad days. Spends a lot of time in his mind, it seems.”

The words weren’t exactly comforting, they more or less confirmed what Regulus had thought. With a resound sigh, Regulus nodded and turned back towards his brother.

“Will you help me get him dressed, Kreacher?”

As if he could say no, Kreacher happily obliged. Regulus took the cloth from Sirius’s hands and gave it to the house elf to dispose of. He checked his brother’s awareness, he tried to catch his eyes. He smiled when he managed to and stood up, making his way back towards his wardrobe.

“I want you to take this.”

Sirius didn’t know what this was. He was a bit nervous. Regulus had been perfectly nice to him today, but this was the perfect opportunity for something to go wrong. He was working for Mother, after all. She could have given him whatever this is.

Regulus can sense Sirius’s discomfort. He can hear Sirius’s protests in his mind. Regulus feels a chill run down his spine.

“It’s safe, I promise. I made it myself.”

Oh, I trust that. Sirius thought sarcastically. Regulus’s back was still turned to him so he did not catch the grimace that Regulus gave, but he did hear how Reg’s tone shifted when he spoke next.

“I have top marks in my class. You’d know that if you took Slughorn up on his offers. I know he wants you in his club too.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. I’m not an item to be collected. He only wants me because he has you.

Regulus still looked upset, but he didn’t provoke Sirius anymore. “It’s a standard pain potion. It’ll help you feel better, give you some more energy.”

Sirius rolled his eyes again. He knew how pain potions worked, he was rather adept at making them himself. Or well, he used to be. He hadn’t made any in a few months. Moony Remus didn’t want him to anymore. Don’t think about Remus.

The bottle was pressed into Sirius’s hand. Sirius looked down at it, then at his brother. He frowned. He’d much rather have the orange back. Sirius carefully took the vial up to his nose and sniffed it. It smelled like a standard pain potion. It looked like one too. Sirius sighed and drank it quickly.

The effects, while not immediate, were noticeable. By the time Regulus and Kreacher had Sirius standing to put his trousers on, he no longer felt quite as unsteady. His knees didn’t hurt as bad, the ache in his side was duller, and his head didn’t throb quite as badly when he moved. Regulus had a more ornate outfit planned for Sirius than was regularly required for dinners, but he supposed if tonight was a test then he needed to be fancy. To show all the improvements he’d made. Sirius couldn’t even remember what improvements the doctor was trying to make anymore.

“There you go” Regulus commented as he finished straightening out Sirius’s vest. His hand on his brother’s back, Regulus turned the two of them towards the mirror atop Regulus’s vanity. “You look much better now, don’t you think?”

Sirius followed his brother’s commands from standing to putting his arms out, stepping in his trousers, buttoning them, etc. He remembered how to get dressed, of course he did, but the reminders were nice. They kept him in the moment, and the potion was helping. He hadn’t thought about the mirror as Regulus turned the two of them.

Sirius’s eyes made contact with his own.

Sirius was pulled back to reality when he hit the floor. There was a thud next to him. When Sirius looked over, Regulus was beside him, also having fallen. Kreacher stood over them, looking somewhat remorseful as he offers a hand out to Regulus to help him back up.

“My apologies, young Masters Black.” The house elf intervened. “I did not mean to startle you two. Are you injured?”

Sirius pushed himself upright as he heard his brother groan. “It’s alright, Kreacher.” Regulus sounded more confused than irritated. “But why did you push us?”

“You were frozen, Master Regulus. Both of you were.”

Regulus hadn’t meant to invade his brother’s memories. He wasn’t even entirely sure how he did it. He wasn’t trying to be adept at legilimency, he wasn’t trying to get any more involved in this than he already was. He knew about legilmency, of course he did, but he’d only ever learned about it in theory. He supposed it wasn’t his fault Sirius’s mind was so fragmented at the moment. If that’s how his doctor had been treating him….

Reg can’t help but to turn to Sirius, to assess how his brother is doing. He hadn’t meant to get dragged into this. He hadn’t meant to look at Sirius with such pity.

It took Sirius a moment to register the look his brother was giving him. It took Sirius a moment to realize what the look meant. Sirius had gone back in time for a moment, sure, but there was no way Regulus didn’t also see it that time. Not with the look he was giving. Sirius hadn’t wanted Regulus to know, even though part of him assumed Regulus already knew. He didn’t know how to proceed.

Wait, Regulus knew. He’d used legilimency. He’d gotten into Sirius’s brain. He’d spied on him! He didn’t know why Regulus would do that, why Mother might ask him to do so, why he would even have that skill. When did he learn? Who taught him? Sirius felt a bit sick, he always did after the doctor prodded around in his mind. When he looked up at his brother again, the world spun. He blinked, trying to refocus.

“Sirius?” Regulus asked. Sirius could feel a hand placed against his shoulder, a violent shiver ran down Sirius’s back. “Sirius, hey!” The hand moved from his shoulder to his face. Regulus stilled his brother, his eyes focused on Sirius’s face until the other looked at him.

Regulus’s eyes were soft, softer than Sirius had seen in a long time. It nearly felt like looking in a mirror, though age had changed their appearances a bit. It wasn’t exactly like a mirror, Sirius was able to see where his baby brother was staring back at him, not himself.

“It’s just us tonight.”

Regulus didn’t say sorry. Sirius wondered if it’s because it’s easier not to and without Sirius using his voice, he can’t demand an apology. He wondered if perhaps it didn’t cross Regulus’s mind to apologize for invading his brain like that, or if Reg was asked to do this. He wondered if Regulus wanted to spy on him.

Regulus had wanted to say sorry, but he didn’t exactly know how. He didn’t exactly know why. He worried that any further mention of it would end badly for both of them. He didn’t want to distress Sirius, not so close to dinner, and he didn’t want to get involved. Regulus opened his mouth to speak, though he didn’t know what he was going to say. Before he could figure it out, however, the grandfather clock rang throughout the house.

“Come on. Collect yourself, it’s time for dinner.”

Mother and Father were already waiting at their seats in the dining room. Sirius walked behind Regulus the entire trip down from their rooms, up until the hallway leading into the dining hall. Before they got within mother’s line of vision, Regulus pulled Sirius aside and dusted him off once more.

“You need to talk tonight. Just a simple Yes, Mum or No, Mum would be fine. But you need to. Do you understand?”

Regulus only looked mildly less concerned when Sirius nodded. Sirius wondered what the stakes were for Regulus if the night went poorly. Despite his better judgment, Sirius worried for his brother.

“And stay present. It’s only a dinner. Just do what you know they want you to.”

His brother’s anxiety was only making Sirius’s worse, but he didn’t let on. Sirius knew tonight had to go smoothly just as much as his brother did. Sirius nodded to his brother and turned back towards the dining hall. Sirius would have to present himself first, as he was the oldest.

Walburba’s eyes were dark and unforgiving, Orion’s mouth turned down in a perpetual frown. Sirius stood in the doorway and bowed to his parents. He stood with his head down behind his chair until one of his parents approved him to.

“You can clean up nice, then.” Mother announced, waving at her eldest to sit. “You did a splendid job, Regulus.”

The younger of the two took that as his cue to meet his mother at her spot and give her a kiss on the cheek before going to sit at his seat. “Thank you, Mum.”

“Do tell me dear, was it terribly difficult work?”

Regulus smiled at his mother but shook his head. “He wasn’t too horrible.”

“How did you get him to do it?” Orion chimed in. Sirius couldn’t tell if he sounded amused or frustrated. Perhaps both. “Lord knows he doesn’t listen to anybody else.”

Sirius could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. The comment was not appreciated by Walburga, but Regulus had always been better at smoothing out tension in a room.

“That’s not true, Father.” Regulus corrected the other, causing the man to grimace at his son while he waited for an explanation. “I did what everyone else has to. I gave him no other choice.”

Regulus’s words weren’t untrue. Regulus had never given Sirius a choice in whether or not he was going to bathe or change or eat the fruit, he was simply lucky that Sirius complied with his demands. The way he worded his reply suggested otherwise, as Sirius typically only behaved for his mother or the doctor under threat or utilization of a curse. Orion’s laugh boomed across the room, making Sirius flinch. If anybody noticed, they paid it no mind.

“Very well, my boy.”

“I told you he’d be able to handle it.” Walburga replied.

“A shame for Sirius, though.” His Father commented. “Tonight is about him, isn’t it? The progress he’s made, and so far he hasn’t been able to show us anything. You couldn’t trust him to get ready by himself…..can he even bloody talk yet?”

All eyes were on Sirius. The room suddenly felt much smaller and very hot. He knew that the way he answered was crucial to the development of the rest of the night.

Sirius nodded at his father. He knew it wasn’t enough, so he cleared his throat. You have to talk tonight. His brother’s words rang in his ear. Sirius wondered if something bad would happen to Regulus if Sirius didn’t talk. Had he been tasked with getting Sirius to speak as well?

“I can” Sirius replied. His voice was hoarse, a little more than a whisper, but he spoke. He said something tonight. That was the goal.

Sirius could hear his mother put her glass down. Slowly, she began to clap. “Well, it does speak after all.”

Sirius’s smile was small, but it was nice to get some positive attention from her, even if demeaning.

“I believe this calls for celebration.” Walburga clapped her hands, indicating that dinner should be served.

Regulus managed to keep his parents engaged in conversation throughout the first course. It wasn’t until the soup had been taken away and the roast had been served that Sirius was asked to engage again.

“So, how are your treatments going?” Orion asked.

Again, Sirius could feel multiple sets of eyes on him. He bid himself some time by nodding and taking a bite of his dinner.

“They’re going well, then?” Walburga replied, giving Sirius another chance to speak.

He very nearly choked on the word, but Sirius did manage to say another word just to keep out of trouble. “Yes.”

“Maybe the doctor has made some progress with him.” Orion chimed in. “This is the most we’ve seen from him in weeks.”

“Tell me, dear.” Walburga asked her eldest son. “What is it you and Doctor Hemlock have been working on?”

This was a test, and it was more difficult than Regulus made it out to be. They’d gone from yes/no questions to short answer. The more he had to speak, the larger margin for error there was, the quicker this could go poorly. Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He pushed around his vegetables and took a bite of his mushy peas.

“Well boy?” Orion asked after a rather pregnant silence among the table. “Don’t ignore your mother. That’s no way to be acting.”

Sirius cut off a piece of his roast and ate it.

“Has the doctor not been giving you updates on his treatment, Mother?” Regulus intruded. Walburga raised her hand up to her son, quieting him. Her eyes stayed focused on Sirius.

“Tonight is for your brother to show off all the hard work he’s been doing.” The tone in her voice was kind, but artificial. She knew something that Regulus didn’t, perhaps that nobody else but her did. Sirius knew this tone meant danger, he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and the roast churning in his stomach. “The doctor did say that you had a rather marvelous breakthrough the other day.”

Sirius didn’t know what his mother was talking about. He did his best to sort through his memories, try and figure out what she could have been talking about. Time hadn’t worked entirely correctly for Sirius in a while and the other day could mean any number of things. When was the last time he met with the doctor? What did they do? Sirius searched and searched for the answers, but he couldn’t remember. The only thing he remembered doing was laying in his bed. He’d been doing that for days before Regulus came and knocked on his door.

“Sirius, would you care to share with the family what that was?”

Sirius didn’t have an answer for his mother. He knew that no wasn’t the correct response. He was expected to answer, except he couldn’t remember what his mother was talking about. Sirius looked over to Regulus, who was just as clueless, then looked back at his mother, who was looking less than amused.

“Cat’s got your tongue, dear?”

Sirius pursed his lips. He looked at his mother but not directly. He shrugged.

“Sirius, darling. I am giving you an opportunity to confess and atone for your behavior. I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity so forgiving if I were you.”

Still, Sirius didn’t know what he was being asked. He couldn’t remember his last session with the doctor. What had the doctor discovered and told his mother about? What was he about to get punished for?

“What did the boy do?” Father asked, sounding a bit impatient with Walburga’s implications.

“Well?” Mother had a look on her face that told Sirius she was ready to start punishing if he didn’t answer. He had failed tonight’s dinner. He was supposed to. There was never a test for him to pass. Tonight was a setup.

“I-I don’t-” Sirius choked out. A red spark emitted from his mother’s direction and hit Sirius in the arm. White hot knives threatened to cut Sirius open from the inside out, but only for a moment. Sirius swallowed thickly. His mother still looked upset, Regulus looked concerned, Father was disappointed.

“I’ll give you one more chance to tell the truth.”

Sirius’s hand was twitching. He still didn’t know what his mother wanted him to confess to. His mother’s wand was tapping against the table, he knew he only had a certain amount of time before another curse was hurled his way. When he noticed her want flick just a bit higher than before, he instinctively ducked under the table.

“Now what is this all about?” Orion burst out. “Boy, get back up here.”

Sirius could feel his body heaved up out of its hiding place and back into his chair. Sirius’s nails dug into the table as he tried to fight being invisibly bound.

“Tell the table what you’ve done.” Father demanded.

Sirius’s mouth stayed firmly closed. He didn’t look in anyone’s direction, his eyes flitting around the room to see what would happen next. Another infliction by the curse. Sirius wanted to writhe against the pain, but his body was stuck in position. He tried to scream out, but wasn’t sure if he was effective. He was under the effects of the Cruciatus curse longer this time, but mother was still just warming up.

“He’s a little blood traitor. A thief and a liar. And he has been for years. Right under our nose.”

Sirius can feel something dripping from his nose. He wondered if it’s snot or blood, maybe both. His whole body felt shaky, his tongue was thick and heavy in his mouth.

“He’s fraternizing with muggle borns, fornicating with monsters.” Walburga spat. Sirius felt a chill run down his spine. What had the doctor seen? he wondered. Is Moony safe? All he ever wanted was for Moony Remus to be safe. Don’t think about Remus.

“He’s stolen our resources to help beasts, he’s befriended a werewolf.”

Sirius’s heart dropped into his stomach. Someone’s cutlery dropped from their hand onto their plate. All of the air sucked out of the room and for a second it was silent.

“Regulus, dear. Do you know which of his friends Moony might be?”

All eyes darted across the table to Regulus. Sirius’s mouth was dry, terrified that his brother would expose him, would cause even more harm to Moony Remus than he already had. Sirius never wanted to hurt his friends, but it seemed now that’s all he could do. He never deserved them in the first place.

“No” Regulus said simply after a moment of pause. “I don’t know who that could be.”

It was a lie. Sirius knew it was a lie, and he had never been more relieved. His relief was only momentary, though.

“That’s preposterous.” Orion said. “They wouldn’t allow such vile beasts in that school.”

“They’re not beasts!” Sirius spat without even thinking. The most he’d said in ages.

“So it’s true.” Walburga purred.

Fear was the only emotion visible in Sirius’s eyes. Had he just betrayed Remus’s trust a second time? All because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut? Sirius’s chair flew back against the wall. Sirius could feel the air leaving his lungs, unable to return as he stared his mother down, unable and unwilling to say more.

“It looks like the doctor hasn’t done a good enough job with you.”

“Mother…” Regulus tried to interject once more. Sirius’s face had gone red and he was a little afraid of what Walburga would do.

“Silence, Regulus!” And silence fell upon the whole room, save for the sound of Sirius’s choking.

“We can not have blood traitors in this family! You are a disgrace!” Walburga continued, getting up from her seat. “I have tried so hard with you, Sirius. Tried to teach you right from wrong, how to survive in this nasty, muggle infected world…...and you’ve always been so difficult. It’s like you have a death wish.”

Sirius had long since given up on the notion that his life meant anything anymore. He’d wished for death more times than he could remember in this house over this summer, but that hadn’t meant he was actually ready to die. The look in his mother’s eyes was viscous and Sirius knew that she was going to kill him. He wouldn’t ever make it out of this house alive, if he even made it past tonight. The flash of red light hit Sirius once more and he was blinded by the pain.

“Speak, boy!”

Sirius screamed. He screamed until his throat was raw. Surely his vocal chords had been cut to ribbons. His head felt like it was going to explode, but the rest of his body may have been sliced into thin little ribbons. When the torture finally stopped, Sirius slumped from his chair and onto the floor. His whole body shook, flopping like a fish as Sirius tried to gain his composure enough to push himself up or to crawl away. He hadn’t been allowed his wand since very shortly after returning, he had no means of defending himself other than to run or to hide. Not that running would bide him much time from his mother. Still, he had to try.

Sirius coughed, his breaths heaving as he pulled himself along the dining room floor. Everyone watched him crawl until he made it past the room’s threshold and into the hall. Then everyone watched as Sirius was levitated and thrown down the hallway, landing with a thud against the far wall.

“M-Mother…” Sirius gasped as he pulled himself up along the wall. He was teetering uncomfortably, but he managed to pull himself upright, steadying himself in the corner between the wall and the doorframe of the drawing room.

“Don’t you call me Mother you wretched, filthy, mudwallower. I am tired of you constantly staining our good name with your nonsense.” Walburga seemed to grow taller as her fury grew. She began making her way down the halls. Normally, when Mother was having a fit, Regulus and Orion knew to stay where they were until the fury was over but today Regulus couldn’t help but follow, which caused his father to follow after them as well.

“I have given you more than enough chances to prove yourself. I’ve been nothing but supportive of you, provided the best for you, and you repay us by running amuck with our name and good fortune?” As Walburga inched closer, Sirius stumbled backwards. He made his way to the drawing room, walking backwards straight into a table and backflipping over a sofa. He landed on the floor and pushed himself up unsteadily to his hands and knees.

“I-I’m sorry. I-”

“You are not sorry.” Walburga cut him off. Her wand swirled around her and the furniture moved around the room, pinning Sirius in place.

“You are no son of mine. You are a disgrace and an embarrassment!” A light sparked from Walburga’s wand. Sirius flinched, but it was not directed at him. Not him directly.

The tapestry that hung along the wall was afflicted. Sirius knew where his place was, and he watched as it was burnt off. Where his face once was, now only a charred hole, burnt into the wallpaper behind it. Sirius’s fixation on the sight is what blind sighted him to the next curse hurled at him.

Theoretically, at some point in time if the pain is continuous, it should become standard and have a numbing effect. No such luck happened in Sirius’s instance. Maybe he hadn’t sustained enough, but he couldn’t imagine sustaining much more. Time existed as nothing and everything, he wasn’t sure where he started and ended because he couldn’t feel anything other than pain. That was, until he felt himself get thrown into a brick wall. He felt something warm tickle him. He wasn’t able to open his eyelids but for a moment his vision almost skewed green. Then, Sirius was plunged into darkness.

This is what death feels like. Sirius thought to himself as he realized he was surrounded by darkness. Quiet darkness. Tight darkness. Swift darkness. Death was not vast or expansive by any means. Sirius couldn’t move his arms, nor his legs. He couldn’t lift his head up or see anything. He was closed in tight. This was his coffin, it had to be. Except he could feel air moving. He was moving, but he couldn’t move. An expedited trip to Hell, Sirius thought. He didn’t know if he believed in Hell, not in the sense of the afterlife. Sirius knew Hell existed, he had just escaped it. And now this was his life: stuck in a moving coffin, expedited indefinitely to who knows where.

It wasn’t until Sirius came tumbling out of his chute and onto a familiar shag carpet that he realized he had been traveling by floo network. Sirius pushed himself up to standing, even though the world around him spun. He took heaving breaths, trying to steady himself. Nothing was steady, though. Despite that, Sirius knew he was safe.

Sirius knew he was safe because despite the darkness creeping in the corners of his vision he could tell he was in a brightly lit house and not one hidden off from society. He could smell the spices that clung to his friend’s clothes after winter and summer breaks. He could hear how quiet it was, nobody was hurling curses or throwing objects. Sirius blinked twice, but it did little in the way of clearing his vision. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but all he managed to do was heave up the dinner he’d barely managed to eat earlier. He took a step further into the house, trying to make it somewhere but the world turned too fast and his eyelids kept getting heavier. The shag carpet at the Potter’s house was nice and plush, it would catch Sirius’s fall just fine. Sirius Black knew he was safe, he was unconscious before he even hit the ground.