Regulus woke up and he knew today was going to be a bad one. He also knew that today was one he was going to remember.
Almost like a ghost, Regulus floated through the day. In transfiguration, he already learnt the material they were being taught so he let his mind wander. He thought about the book he was reading at the moment, the fact that barty and Evan need to get their shit together or else he will actually lose his mind, and James. A lot of his thoughts have been about James lately. Regulus had no idea what was going to happen with the war… He did. He does. He knows. And he's lying to himself anyways… Just then, the lesson was over and it was time for lunch.
Regulus made his way to the great hall and sat down at the slytherin table. Immediately he rolled his eyes at the rubbish Barty and Evan were spouting, Evan marrying Lily Evans to be called Evan Evans was ridiculous. Not to mention that Barty was getting slightly jealous at the idea of Evan and someone else being together, no matter that it was his idea in the first place.
While eating a small piece of bread, he glanced across the hall and saw James staring at him. James looked at him with a faraway look in his eye and a barely there sad smile on his face. James mouthed the words “meet me at our spot in five minutes?” And even though the words were mouthed Regulus could swear he heard James’s voice, his sweet sweet voice. Yet, James didn't sound like James, he sounded small, hollow, a different version of himself.
Regulus tried not to think about it as he made his way to the come and go room. When Regulus and James first started going out, they couldn't find a place to meet that nobody else would find. When Kreacher mentioned the come and go room in an off-handed (but definitely targeted) comment, Regulus couldn't help but think it would be perfect. So when Regulus and James met there for the first time it was decided that would be their spot.
When Regulus arrived he saw that James turned the room into a beautiful library. It looked indescribable.
“James.” Regulus breathed, slightly shocked at the room in which james created.
“Regulus.” James said his name sadly as if it could be the last time he said it.
“I know.” And that's the thing, Regulus did know. He knew they had to end it, end them.
“Days slip by, but not one does without me thinking of what we could have been,” James looked regretful as he said this, like he hoped that those words would never leave his mouth.
“But why can't we be?” Regulus spoke this quietly, it lacked his usual conviction. He knows why they can't be. He knows.
“Because I don’t know if what I can give would be enough to keep you in the end.” James’s voice shook slightly, as if he was trying and failing to reel in his emotions
Regulus’s face crumpled at that, “James…”
“No, its okay” he reassured him, with a sad, almost wistful smile on his face.
“It shouldn’t be, you should hate me.”
“I should, but I love you too much to do that,” James’s smile was now rapidly leaving his face, his eyes became glossy, and unshed tears threatened to spill.
“I know.” Regulus breathed, speaking quietly as though James’s love was a secret for them to share. Again, James smiled softly at that, he knew regulus loved him back. He also knew that if he heard him say it James wouldn’t be able to find it in himself to leave when this was all over. James let out a small noise that resonated at the back if his throat at the thought of leaving.
“I wish I could trust you not to leave.” James choked around a sob, arms coming around Regulus to hold him, one last time. Regulus’s eyes closed and a look of slight acceptance washed over his features.
“I wish I could trust myself too.” Regulus spoke, sounding hushed and small, like he didn’t trust his voice to sound louder. James moved his head to be on-top of Regs, if it was a way to comfort himself or regulus he didn’t know. Maybe in a way it was helping them both. James took in Regulus’s cinnamon and apple shampoo, the smell instantly caused a wave of calm to overtake him. That's when he broke, fresh tears steadily made their way down his face.
“I know.” James was silently sobbing now, wishing things were different, wishing he could trust Regulus and that they could just be happy together.
That's where they stood, a boy whose heart led his words, and a boy whose family controlled his actions. In a way it was poetic, Regulus thought. Two boys clinging to each other for the last time, two boys who loved each other enough to give them up. Two boys, who no doubt are taking this moment to memorise everything about the other : the way they sound when they laugh, the way their eyes would change when they walked into a room, the way one felt on the others skin, the quiet moments where time stopped and they were just them, for at least a little while. They were just two boys. Two boys who weren’t meant to be.
“Maybe in the next lifetime?” James cried lowley, still holding out hope for them, even if that hope is for them somewhere else.
“Yes, maybe.”