Remus slowly forces himself to open his tired eyes, it always felt... rough after a full moon.
The potions Poppy had already poured into him made him dizzy, but it's better than pain, so he praises and worships the existence of this woman.
She is an angel, truly.
His mouth felt dry, and he felt a general discomfort throughout his body.
It's nothing new.
This burning muscle pain and aching joints that, to be fair, returned to their place about an hour ago. It's bearable, so he should just turn a blind eye to it and not complain too much.
Full moons were hard, especially transformations. Merlin, the pain was terrible, always was, always will be.
But it's only a moment, just a few minutes in this agonizing pain, just a moment. All he has to do is breathe deeply and wait and the pain will end, it always did. But that doesn't change the fact that it hurt.
Remus has always hated it. He hated his condition. He hated every full moon.
At first because he didn't understand what was happening and why he felt this terrible pain and why his mom was crying and his dad was worried.
Then he hated it because why did he have to be different? Why did he have to be a werewolf? It wasn't fair.
Now he hated it because he was dangerous, he was one of the most dangerous beasts and honestly, he was a problem for others, wasn't he?
But he had to deal with it, right? He knew nothing else, his life had been this way for as long as he could remember.
Sure, Remus has some memories from before the night he was bitten, but he was a toddler at the time, so it's not much. After all, he was only four when his life was changed.
He had never known a life without pain, he had never known what it was like to not feel bad, what it was like to not be dependent on the phases of the moon, what it was like to be normal.
Remus did not know.
But that was okay, it was fine, really. He was a happy child, and his childhood was nice and sweet (most of the time). His parents were lovely, and even though he was lonely, he was happy most days.
Some days were less happy, and some days passed in agony, but that was just the way it was.
It was his life, and that life was good.
It was joyful and filled with love (mostly).
But even if his life was good, Remus still knows how much it hit him that he was different when he started studying at Hogwarts.
He knew he was different. He knew no other children were werewolves, he knew. He had read about this – about such normal children in books, wishing he could be one of them, but he was not like that.
Remus knew he wasn't normal, ge was special – like his parents said, but Remus didn't believe it.
He wasn't special, he was just sick, he had lycanthropy and it wasn't something that every other eleven-year-old had to deal with.
Not every eleven-year-old went to school having to meet so many conditions.
Not every eleven-year-old had to hide such a big secret and lie to his friends. Not every eleven-year-old had to go to the nurse as often as Remus did.
Not everyone was forced to turn into a beast once a month.
Not everyone.
Just Remus.
Just him.
All these children in Hogwarts were so happy, safe, and healthy. Remus was jealous, of course he was. Because why him? Why did he of all the people in this school have to be a dangerous beast? Why him?
It wasn't t fair.
It just wasn't.
Remus knows he should be grateful to be alive because, generally, no child has ever survived a werewolf attack.
And, of course, Remus was grateful for his life. For the life he had, for his loving parents, for his wonderful friends, for everything really.
Either way, the truth was that he would be happier with his happiness if this little aspect of his life was taken away, this thing that he shared himself with the wolf.
Oh, how great that would be.
Over the years, Remus learned to accept, tolerate, and even sometimes like the wolf.
It's just a chore to do, but at times, it wasn't so bad... if only you took away the terrible pain, the sleepless nights, and all the scars...
Well, Remus was still conflicted, torn between loving and hating himself just as much.
His monthly problems became much more bearable and milder when last year the boys, (ah, his lovely idiots) decided to become animagi just to help him.
And their help... was invaluable.
Remus doesn't know if he'll ever be able to express his gratitude to them just for being his friends, because they accepted him and liked him despite everything that was wrong with him.
Even after all these years of friendship, Remus still thinks he doesn't deserve them. He doesn't say it out loud, though, because James would definitely punch him for it.
He remembers how terrified he was when his friends announced their brilliant plan to him last year, but now, after a few full moons spent together... they had become accustomed to this routine.
Even though Remus still felt like a problem and always assured his friends that they didn't have to. He literally begged them not to come, to think about themselves, but they, as stubborn, loyal, and lovely as they are, they always helped him during the full moon.
Remus was grateful because the wolf was calmer when it had company.
The wolf hated loneliness as much as Remus did (maybe they were more alike than he thought).
It had been twelve years since his first full moon as a werewolf and honestly he should be used to it by now, it was part of his life, difficult, complicated and painful but it was an integral part of him and Remus was trying to accept it (he was getting better at it – accepting himself, that is.)
When Remus opened his eyes, he met the nurse with a small smile on her lips.
Poppy Pomfrey was a true angel and Remus's salvation. This wonderful woman was so kind towards him.
Remus remembers all the first full moons spent with her in the first year. He remembers the first time he heard her heart break when she was forced to leave him alone in the Shrieking Shack. He remembers her panic, racing heart, and tears when she found him on the floor in the morning covered in blood.
He knows how much she blamed herself for not being able to help him in those most difficult moments, how much she wished that there was something she could do to help him, cure Remus so that he will be better.
She became a nurse to help and heal people, and Remus couldn't be helped.
Her heart broke at the thought that she couldn't heal him. Poppy became a nurse to heal people, not to prolong their suffering.
And she really did try, Poppy did everything she could to help Remus even just a little, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it made things worse, but Remus was always grateful to her regardless.
He knows it was difficult for her too. It was hard, but she still took care of him after each full moon with a tenderness equal to that of his mother. She was irreplaceable. She was wonderful. Remus really appreciated her.
As he got older, he got stronger (or maybe he just hid his fear and pain better, who knows).
Remus knows that soon he will have to take care of himself fully, that soon Poppy will start teaching him how to do it, he knows that he will feel her sadness and he doesn't know if he can bear it.
He will assure her that he will cope, that he will write after each full moon, promising that he is still alive and well, that he knows all the necessary spells and that he will be alright.
Remus will do it. He will promise her that, although he is not sure if it will be so. He doesn't know whether he will make himself a liar.
But for now, Poppy was by his side, caring for him and healing him as much as she could. By the evening, Remus will be fine, his body regenerated very quickly (a werewolf's thing, actually).
If the price of life was to take two days out of each month, Remus could do it. The remaining 28 days were worth it, especially when he had his loved ones close.
"Hello, my dear," he hears Poppy say but his eyes remain closed, the brightness of the lamps hurts at this moment, he makes a small noise letting her know that he hears her, that he is conscious.
"It was a quite calm full moon, don't you think?" She asked quietly and read the list of things that were wrong with him in the morning but had already been fixed.
Now, only a feeling of numbness and nagging pain until the evening, and he will be fine.
Poppy didn't really know why Remus's injuries stopped being so bad after the full moons, apart from the transformation ones, those could still be really nasty sometimes, the other ones that the wolf inflicted on itself during the night stopped appearing, the scars stopped spreading on the boy's body, she had no idea what helped but it made her heart happy.
Poppy was so glad that life had decided to spare her favorite boy some pain and a few more scars. She really was.
"Should I tell your friends they can come in now?" She asked, squeezing his hand, and Remus nodded.
He wasn't very entertaining at the moment, but he knew the boys would sulk if he kicked them out.
In addition, something he didn't say out loud, but after such a hard night that always accompanied the full moon, he needed their closeness to remind himself how human he was.
Poppy had a soft heart (for Remus especially), and maybe that's why the marauders were allowed to be in the hospital wing to visit Remus so often.
Remus was used to his friends being there. They were always with him in the hospital wing.
James always brought him his favorite breakfast, Peter brought him notes from the lessons that Remus missed, and Sirius–
Sirius was a whole different story.
He was simply next to Remus, reading something quietly, holding his hand, giving him small kisses, whispering kind words, and smiling softly. He was near, giving him his love.
(Well, not true love, Sirius was just a good friend, and the fact that Remus happened to have been infatuated with him for years– doesn't matter).
These were definitely Remus' favorite moments in after full moon mornings.
It was something he looked forward to, something that allowed him to survive this bitter night, this promise that in the morning, he would receive this sweet love from his friends.
The boys were always there.
They had been visiting him in the hospital wing since the end of their first year. Back then, when they were still sweet, young, and stupid. When they didn't understand at all what was happening to Remus.
"Do you get sick so often because you're half-blood?" They asked, and Remus didn't deny it because what was he supposed to tell them? He couldn't tell them the truth.
So from the first year they were always with him, month after month.
Remus fully remembers January in their second year, when he was still just eleven years old kid, after one of the worst full moons in his lfe when he woke up in the evening, when there was practically no trace of crying and pain left. He remembers that when he opened his eyes, he found Sirius sitting by his bed, his head was bent over a book, and he was reading.
Later, Remus found out how Sirius got there, how stubborn he was, and how fed up Poppy was with him.
(Oh, how in love he was with that boy.)
And from then on, Sirius was by his side on the morning after every full moon.
Opening his eyes, Remus was sure that Sirius would be the first thing his eyes noticed. (After all, he always was.)
But today, Sirius wasn't there.
It was strange, but Remus didn't panic (thanks to the huge amount of drugs in his system) because, hey, maybe, just maybe Sirius was sleeping off. It must have been a tiring night... but Sirius never missed a morning after full moon (maybe it happened once but for a very good reason, so it doesn't really count), and Peter and James were here.
So what excuse did Sirius have?
It wasn't that he needed any excuse, Remus understood that – Sirius didn't have to be with him.
Remus never asked for it, and Sirius did it out of kindness, so if he just stopped because he wanted to, then it's okay.
It's okay, right?
Seeing his friend's slightly disappointed look, James dared to speak.
"Sirius's feeling a bit sick. He ate grass as Padfoot, you know," he explains, trying to laugh it off.
James had never been a good liar, and right now, something in his eyes and the nervous movement of his hands was giving him away, but Remus decided to let him off the hook this once.
He still wasn't feeling very well and didn't feel like arguing.
×××××
When Remus returned to the dormitory in the evening, he was surprised because he didn't find Sirius in their room. He didn't find him in his bed either.
And Sirius often lay in Remus's bed after full moons, saying that he was keeping it warm for him, "you must be warm, Moony, it helps," he argued, and then he hugged him for a long time arguing, "you need some affection too, silly," well... Remus didn't argue.
A slight feeling of disappointment hit him. He immediately snapped out of it, and this stupid feeling was replaced by worry.
What was wrong with Sirius? Had something happened, was something wrong?
He analyzed, but James didn't seem more worried than usual and if something was wrong with Sirius, James would know, so it must have been something minor or something so serious that even James didn't know. Maybe it was about Regulus?
Remus will ask when Sirius returns. Maybe then he will discover something more.
Remus took a shower, washing off the remnants of blood and changing any bandages that needed it, and then he changed into his pajamas. Maybe he would even be able to copy some of Peter's school notes if his worries would let him.
Remus was still thinking about Sirius, nothing new, but this time he was worried, he was so worried that he did the nasty thing.
He hated invading anyone's privacy, but he took the marauder's map to see what Sirius was doing. He found him quickly.
Sirius was in the Gryffindor common room.
Wait, what?
Sirius was downstairs sitting by the fire with Mary and Lilly, and he didn't come to Remus for a moment?
'Remus, piss off, you're not the center of the universe. Sirius doesn't owe you his presence!'
Maybe he was doing something important. Maybe the girls needed Sirius more than Remus, or maybe it was Sirius who needed the girls' help, who knows.
Remus lay in bed with the curtains closed and tried to fall asleep, which was difficult when he didn't even get the slightest opportunity to understand what was happening with Sirius.
And remember this little thing: Remus was pathetically in love with Sirius.
×××××
"Is he sleeping?" He heard Sirius's voice, quietly entering the dormitory. Finally! Remus almost jumped out of bed with excitement but–
"I guess so. He went to sleep as soon as Peter and I got back," James replied.
True, Remus had informed his friends that he was going to bed because he was exhausted, which wasn't entirely true, he just wasn't in the mood for anything.
"Oh okay," Sirius sighed– was... was he relieved?
What in Merlin's name?
Was Sirius avoiding him? Was he really waiting for the moment when Remus wouldn't have the opportunity to see or talk to him to return to the dormitory? Really?
'Okay, okay, calm down, Remus.'
Maybe it wasn't a relief at all? Or maybe it was, but because Sirius didn't have the courage to explain his behavior yet, and nothing else. Not that Sirius needed to explain himself to him, but Remus knew he would.
'Stop overthinking it, Remus!'
Sirius lay down next to James, and soon, the silencing charm was lifted, and Remus didn't have the opportunity to hear a word of their conversation.
What was that about?
What did Remus do?
Why was Sirius avoiding him?
That hurts.
Remus lay staring at the ceiling and panicking.
What was it about?
What did he do wrong?
Remus lay there thinking and thinking.
After a while, he realized that Sirius had already been acting strange yesterday, and in fact, he had literally been avoiding him the entire day.
Remus knows that his friends preferred to cut him slack and get out of his way during the day of the full moon because on those days, it was extremely easy to throw him off balance.
Something Remus felt terrible about and wanted to avoid at all costs.
He wasn't proud of himself for blowing up at first years or throwing hexes on someone who didn't quite deserve it.
But his body was in so much pain that his mind was foggy, and he couldn't quite control himself.
His friends tried to help, but there was only so much they could do.
But Sirius? No matter how hard Remus tried to push him away, Sirius always stayed.
Well, yesterday it wasn't like that.
Yesterday, Sirius seemed distant, as if he was there, but he wasn't, not really.
How could Remus miss this?
Well, he was probably too busy with the full moon to think that Sirius sat a little further away than usual during breakfast.
But why did he do it?
×××××
In the morning, Remus is sleep-deprived, tired, and determined to find out what is wrong.
It's early, so early that even James isn't up yet. Remus gets up from the bed, rubbing his sleepy eyes. He's tired, and his muscles are still a little sore, but it's not something he can't handle, it's not something that will stop him from talking to Sirius.
Remus looks towards Sirius's bed, sure that the curtains will still be closed, but he is shocked to discover that Sirius is no longer there. His bed is empty.
What the hell?
Not wanting to wake up the rest of the boys, he put on a warm sweater, grabbed two chocolate frogs from his dresser (the boys always left them there after the full moon, isn't that just sweet?) and went down to the common room to catch up on his notes.
He won't think about Sirius, that's decided. If Sirius doesn't want his presence for any reason, fine.
Remus will give it to him, and he won't worry at all because if Sirius needs something or someone, he will ask, he will ask for help (or would he?).
And there is also James and James is Sirius' number one in the whole world, so Remus has nothing to worry about. Remus trusts James. James will take care of Sirius if needed, that's for sure.
So now he will focus on himself and getting back to full strength because he deserves a cup of warm tea and a good book, and that is what he is going to do now.
But as he walks down the stairs, his eyes immediately find Sirius. The boy is sitting on one of the sofas, curled up into a ball, he seems very concerned, sad and deep in thought.
One look at Remus snaps him out of his trance. He looks panicked for a second (then he remembers that Moony is not a master of legilimency and can't read his mind, and that calmed him down).
Sirius waved hello, but there was something strange about his face that Remus couldn't quite figure out.
Sirius stands up, his face full of concern. "Why aren't you sleeping, Moony?" He asks, worried. "Is everything okay, or are any of your wounds bothering you? Do you need help? You went to bed early last night. Was it bad?" Remus considers saying "if you were there yesterday you would know," but it's a very rude thing to say to a worried Sirius, so he says:
"I'm good," instead. Sirius raised an eyebrow, not believing him. Remus rolled his eyes at his friend expression. "Okay, okay, as good as I can be," he changed his answer.
"Good," Sirius smiled slightly. "But coming back, why aren't you sleeping?"
"I wanted to catch up on my notes before today," Remus explains with a small half-lie.
"Oh Moony, you nerd," Sirius chuckles.
Maybe Remus was imagining it? Maybe it's not about him at all, and Sirius isn't avoiding him. After all, he's acting normal now.
Maybe Remus is exaggerating. Maybe his tiredness yesterday made him not think clearly, maybe...
"What about you? What are you doing here?" Remus decides to ask.
"I couldn't sleep," Sirius said grimly, and Remus didn't pursue the topic.
Remus' question put Sirius in a bad mood and Remus was seriously starting to wonder what an idiot he was for thinking it was all about him, it was definitely something serious. Something Sirius wasn't ready to talk about just yet and that was okay.
"Hey, remember, I'm here," Remus decides to remind him because sometimes it's nice to know someone cares about you.
"Not helpful," Sirius huffs angrily, realization hit him in the blink of an eye, and his eyes widened in panic. "Shit, sorry, I didn't mean– shit," he muttered, uncertainly looking up at Remus.
"Hey, if you want to be left alone, I'll go, just say so, it's fine," Remus reassures, standing up ready to leave, taking a step towards Sirius, placing hand on his cheek with a small smile that he hoped was comforting.
Sirius clings to this touch but eventually holds back and pushes away.
"Thanks," he says, but his smile is forced.
Something was definitely wrong and the way Sirius's attitude was changing so dizzyingly was disturbing to say the least.
Remus didn't understand why Sirius was normal at first and then suddenly became weird.
It was very rare to see Sirius in such a state, Remus knows he was like that sometimes after the holidays, when everything was overwhelming for him. When he tried to keep his cool but there was so much going on in his head that he couldn't and his mask was cracking.
But what could have happened now to bring him to this state? He hadn't received any letter from his parents, he hadn't talked to Regulus recently, so it probably couldn't have anything to do with his family.
What could it be about? How could Remus help?
The way Sirius seemed to be so small, hiding from everyone when Remus saw him before sunrise, bothered him so much.
Remus couldn't get Sirius's shaking hands or closed eyes out of his head (Sirius was definitely holding back tears).
Sirius sat there curled up and worried, like he was fighting with himself and it was sad, how could Remus not worry?
The way Sirius forced a smile made Remus uneasy, could it be the touch? Sirius didn't want to be touched? But Sirius always craved touch, always starved for it.
What was going on?
The situation didn't improve for the rest of the day.
Well it was very noticeable but Remus always paid attention to Sirius. His eyes were always looking for him.
So Remus noticed these little things, he saw.
He saw that Sirius had no appetite, that he ate next to nothing all day. So he went to the kitchen to get Sirius's favorite fruit and cut it up for him, Sirius only smiled weakly in thanks but didn't touch it.
Remus saw that Sirius walked around all day lost in his thoughts, locked in his mind, his face hid something sad when he thought no one was watching.
Sirius was sad.
He looked like he was mourning.
Remus had no idea what Sirius could be mourning or grieving, but his heart broke every time Sirius's eyes lost the light, every time he played with his hands nervously, every time he bit his lip uncertainly.
Sirius didn't deserve all this sadness and Remus really wanted to help him, he just didn't know how.
Because what was he supposed to do? Sirius wouldn't even talk to him.
The next day passed in a much heavier atmosphere.
Sirius couldn't be sad, he simply couldn't be, he didn't know how to be sad so his sadness turned into anger, a much easier emotion. He practiced on it but sometimes when the emotions were too big he couldn't control it. He wasn't proud of it, but it was happening and Remus knew, all the boys knew, after all, they had lived with Sirius for years.
By noon Sirius's attitude had become unbearable. He was mean and rude (although not to Remus, Sirius doesn't talk to him at all and Remus doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing.)
Sirius walks around with a permanent grimace on his face and a hostile attitude towards everything.
This is how he started the day: with an angry "fuck that hair, fuck that shirt and fuck that tie!" The next sentence made James laugh because Sirius, still furious with an indignant look, said as he came out of the bathroom. "Fuck that door, no, sorry, you didn't actually do anything, I un-fuck you door." and James burst out laughing at this, but Sirius wasn't laughing, he didn't even smile.
From that moment on, his mood went downhill, and although he refrained from being mean to his friends... towards his peers and teachers, he wasn't concerned at all.
He received three detentions before lunch.
Sirius was irritated and moody and even walking on eggshells around him wasn't enough.
Even James escapes from this when he has the chance.
Remus watched the situation unfold with concern.
Okay, Sirius could be bitchy sometimes, nothing new. But the fact that Remus didn't know the reason stressed him out.
And the whole being a dick thing combined with yesterday's emotional low where Sirius burst into tears as soon as he closed the curtains on his bed didn't make Remus worry any less.
He considered going to Regulus and asking if he knew anything about the reason for his brother's behavior, but he would risk being cursed by a group of Slytherins, so he let it go for now.
This whole mess lasted three more days.
Whole days of being constantly careful not to irritate Sirius more, not to cross the line.
On the fifth day since Sirius began behaving strangely, a breakthrough occurred.
They were returning to the dormitory after their last lessons of the day, Sirius still in a terrible mood.
James and Peter left him alone, walking a few steps behind him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. They heard some students talking about Sirius in a not-so-nice way, what's more, they didn't even try to be discreet about it.
Such things happened. The privilege of being a pure-blooded disappointment, hundreds of rumors and accusations, nothing new. Sirius didn't even care, no one did until these words were said:
"Well, looks like his Black genes are finally showing."
And then Remus doesn't know if it was him, James or Peter who pulled out wand first, cursing that Slytherin.
Because okay, Sirius was insufferable, but no one had the right to hurt him.
Especially since Sirius started crying before they reached the dormitory (he allowed himself such an insult on his honor), breaking down as soon as he entered the Gryffindor common room through the painting (and didn't stop until late at night).
As always, James was the first to take care of Sirius. He hugged him long enough for him to calm down.
"You're struggling," James whispered, kissing his best friend on the top of his head. "But just because you feel bad doesn't mean you are bad, you know?"
"But I am," Sirius shakes his head.
"You're an asshole, not a bad person," James argues.
"I'm awfull, Prongs, even you can't stand it anymore," Sirius argues and Remus' heart breaks.
Sure, Sirius is awfull, but he is also many other things, and Remus wants to tell him that apart from being awfull, he is brave, loyal, loving, kind, helpful, funny, sweet, beautiful, and so much more.
"Well it's because," James sighed. "Just because I understand why you're behaving like this doesn't mean I agree with it or have to accept it," he informs quietly. "As I mentioned, you're an asshole."
"I'm sorry," Sirius whispers.
"I love you," James replies.
"I'm sorry," Sirius repeats and whether he is apologizing for his behavior or because James loves him is a mystery.
After this event, their lives returned to normal.
Almost.
×××××
Remus was spiraling again, because now, after another week, he couldn't convince himself that Sirius wasn't really ignoring him, or that he was ignoring him, but he was also ignoring all the rest of his friends, so it was okay.
No, because now Remus was the only one to whom Sirius didn't smile sincerely.
Remus couldn't pretend that everything was fine when Sirius was deliberately avoiding him. Not when Sirius purposely left the room when Remus was there.
Sirius didn't even look at him, didn't say a word, he just looked away and left, whether he was in the middle of a conversation or in the middle of a game of chess.
Whenever Remus came within his reach, he left.
"Woah, what was that about?" The others muttered under their breath, because Sirius had never treated anyone like that.
Why was Remus the exception?
What did he do?
And again Remus began to wonder what he could do. What had he done to deserve Sirius's coldness?
He tried to think of anything that could have happened to make Sirius treat him the way he did.
Because, let's take a look at his day:
Remus got up in the morning and Sirius didn't greet him with a smile (he always did).
He was looking for what to wear and didn't notice a single sweater missing (Sirius always took some from him "they're so soft Moony!").
They went to breakfast and Sirius didn't sit next to him (he always did).
They were eating breakfast and Sirius wasn't giving him his favorite tart (he always did).
They went to class and Sirius didn't sit with him at the desk (he always did).
During lessons, he didn't give him pieces of paper with funny and sometimes stupid inscriptions and drawings, they didn't pass notes to each other (they always did).
When they returned to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius didn't lie on him, didn't cuddle up to him, didn't let him play with his hair (he always did).
When they did homework, he didn't ask Remus to borrow his pen, he didn't ask for his notes, he didn't ask if he needed help (he always did).
When they returned to the dormitory, Sirius didn't lie on the bed with Remus and talk about everything and nothing (he always did).
Sirius didn't ask Remus if he would play a song on his record player when the evening was approaching (he always did).
(When Remus once decided to play one of the records himself, Sirius didn't ask him to do a short silly dance, although he always did.)
When Remus read, Sirius didn't ask him to do it aloud (he always did).
When they went to sleep, Sirius didn't say goodnight, he didn't blow him a kiss (he always did).
At night, Sirius didn't sneak into his bed when he had nightmares (he always did that since fourth year).
Remus knows it shouldn't hurt as much as it did, but what could he do about the fact that he was so hopelessly in love with his best friend?
Sirius was always close and Remus absorbed the tenderness and affection that Sirius gave him like a sponge.
Sirius was a wonderful friend, he was so tender, lovely and affectionate and when he stopped, it hit Remus with redoubled force.
Remus panicked, thinking that maybe Sirius had discovered Remus's feelings for him and that was why he had pulled away, that was why he was avoiding Remus, because it was just awkward and weird.
But Sirius' expression wasn't one of disgust, anger or embarrassment, when he looked at Remus, it was usually... Remus couldn't guess what it was.
Sirius rejected him at every turn, constantly ignoring and avoiding him.
Remus didn't know why, no matter how long he thought, he couldn't think of anything.
(Oh if he only knew how hard Sirius tries to fight and bargain with his own feelings to prove to himself that they aren't real at all, oh if only.)
Remus was as confused as the rest of their friends. Sirius was behaving strangely and only James seemed to make excuses for him.
And then this happened...
×××××
They were sitting in a group in the library, Sirius and James were talking about something very eagerly and Peter tried to silence them: "We're in the library, guys!" Remus watched them in amusement.
Sirius seems happier, more calm than a week ago and that's good, really good. Because even if Remus can't be in it, can't be part of it, he's happy that Sirius is happy. Simple as that.
"Hey, I need this book about the effect of the sun on Mandrakes, can you find it for me Sirius?" Peter looks at him pleadingly some time later when they actually started studying instead of fooling around.
"Sure," Sirius smiles, but by the time he gets up from his chair his smile fades.
"Why don't you help him, Remus? You know the library like the back of your hand," Peter is smiling like the marauder he is. Right now Remus hates him.
Sure, Remus had been whining and moaning in Peter's ear for a week about how things were bad between him and Sirius and he didn't know what to do or how to fix it, but it was obvious that Sirius doesn't want to spend time with him, so forcing him to do so will only result in tragic consequences, that's all.
Although on the other hand he understands, he himself is fed up with this situation, if only he could get Sirius to tell him what he did, he would fix it, he would fix everything, really.
He would do anything to make Sirius look at him with a smile and shining eyes, he needed this. He needed Sirius's eyes to light up at the sight of him the way they had been doing for as long as Remus could remember.
But he won't get it because both he and Sirius are stubborn and neither of them will start the conversation they need.
So they went off together, being alone with each other for the first time in a while, it's a bit awkward, to be honest.
It was weird because things had never been awkward between them before.
They went to the section with books about plants and started looking through them in silence. And silence was not something these two experienced often when they were together.
Remus came across one book that was placed incorrectly on the shelf, it hurt his perfectionist soul so he wanted to fix it, as it was high, even he had to stand on his tiptoes.
Before he reached the book, he heard Sirius groan, the shelf wobbled because he bumped into it.
At the moment when Remus was reaching up, Sirius turned around to show him the book he had found, he smiled proudly until he was placed in front of the torso of the taller boy who was currently towering over him.
Oh shit, Remus didn't even notice Sirius was so close–
"You okay?" Remus grabbed his elbow, holding him in place.
Sirius quickly looked up from the ground, his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed.
Remus immediately heard his pounding heart. Ah, the honor of being a werewolf and having heightened senses.
Sirius' heart was beating too fast for Remus to consider it normal, his heart was beating like crazy and Remus frowned.
What was it about?
He looked at Sirius again, at his wide eyes, the next thing that was wrong was his breathing, which was quickening. In addition, he pulled his arm out of Remus's grasp as if it had burned him.
Remus pulled away immediately.
Was Sirius afraid of him?
He looked at his friend once again.
Sirius immediately looked away, staring at the floor.
Oh Merlin, he was.
Sirius was scared.
"Um, sorry, I-" and Remus was gone from the library in the blink of an eye.
×××××
One of Remus' greatest fears was being scary. He never, ever wanted anyone to be afraid of him.
He remembers when he was seven years old, for the first time in his life he held a book about werewolves in his hands.
Remus put his hands on it by complete accident, but he remembers reading all those horrible things, and books don't lie, do they?
He remembers crying, asking his parents if he was scary, asking if he was dangerous, if it really would be better if he didn't exist. Because that book said yes, that every werewolf deserved death without exception.
Remus was seven, didn't he deserve anything better than death?
He wasn't bad, he wasn't angry, he wasn't even mean. Was he dangerous? He really didn't want to be like that. He didn't want others to be afraid of him, that would be awful.
So little Remus set himself the goal of being nice and kind and never scary, and to make people like him rather than fear him.
Remus was good, he was kind and polite, strangers looked at him and thought he was a good boy. But their opinion doesn't count, it doesn't matter, not really.
Because the opinion Remus cared about the most lay in the hearts of the people he surrounded himself with. He didn't want to be nice in the eyes of strangers, he wanted to be good in the eyes of his friends. And he was, he was for years.
He thought he was...
So why did it change?
Remus remembers how in their second year the boys confronted him and told him they knew about his secret.
He remembers how terrified he was because he had just made his first friends and was about to lose them? It was just so unfair.
But they assured him that it was okay, that it didn't change anything, that they weren't afraid of him, that he wasn't scary, that they still liked him.
They told him so.
They said they weren't afraid of him.
And last year? Last year they decided to become animagi just to help him during the full moon.
The first full moon he spent with his friends was more stressful for him than any previous one.
He remembers the anxiety that exhausted him that day, the panic when he transformed in front of his friends, the fear that when he woke up he would discover something terrible, the fear that he would hurt them.
He was terribly afraid but... he woke up in much less pain than usual.
He opened his eyes and didn't immediately faint, he was conscious long enough to see the reassuring smiles of his friends. Long enough to feel a gentle hug from Sirius and those words "you're so brave, Moons".
Sirius had said it, he had said it, but now Remus was beginning to wonder... maybe he had made it up. Did this really happen? He wasn't so sure about it anymore.
Anyway, the thing Remus knew was that Sirius wasn't afraid of him after seeing his transformation, he wasn't afraid knowing that the wolf would come back next month. He was not.
He wasn't afraid after any full moon, he always hugged Remus in the morning, afternoon or evening and assured him how loved he was. Always.
And he was never afraid.
Until now.
After Remus's first full moon with his friends, he had lots of questions and finally someone who could answer them.
No one had ever seen the wolf. Remus was curious what it looked like, whether it was black, brown or gray, whether its teeth were very sharp, whether its eyes were terrifying, whether they were still the same color as his.
So he asked his friends all kinds of questions and they answered them.
"Was I scary?" He started with this question, he knew it was scary, the process of transformation itself, it must be.
His screams and his tears and the way his body was changing was terrible, he hoped that it wasn't as terrible as the pain he felt, but whether he was scary, he didn't know
Was the wolf aggressive?
He didn't know. Sure, it was hurting Remus, it was true, and it was destroying the floor with its scratches, it was tearing the pillows with its teeth, but was it out of boredom and pain or out of rage?
"You were beautiful." Sirius told him back then, looking like he was speaking sincerely.
Oh, wow.
Remus didn't expect this.
"Moony is sweet. Seriously, he's just like a big dog, he loves chewing on sticks and rolling in the grass."
"He was a little confused that we were here, but he probably recognized our scent, it's like he knew we were safe and quickly trusted us."
"You didn't hurt anyone."
"You're not dangerous."
"We'll be there next time too."
"We love you."
These words really helped him, you know?
He wasn't scary, he was beautiful.
And even though he never believed these words completely, today he doubted them even more.
×××××
The next day he told the boys that he wasn't feeling well so he would stay in the dormitory.
Remus asked them to take notes and pretended his heart didn't hurt when Sirius didn't offer to stay with him (he always did when Remus felt bad).
Then he remembered yesterday and how much Sirius had avoided looking him in the eye, and he immediately felt terrible. He spent the entire morning crying.
He cried because it hurt, it hurt, and this pain was more severe than any he had ever experienced (and in the matter of pain he could call himself an expert, he experienced it a lot).
And now he was hurt, his heart was bleeding and his eyes were watering.
And it hurt, it just did.
It hurt because he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and this friend was afraid of him.
Sirius was scared of him, even though he was the first person who made Remus believe that he wasn't scary at all.
He even dared to ask James and Peter: "Did I do something terrible last full moon?" They denied it. James even told him every part of the night step by step to reassure him.
Remus also asked why Sirius was avoiding him, but they didn't know (or didn't say).
Around noon, the door to the dormitory opened and he quickly wiped his face, but when he saw that it was Lilly, he breathed a sigh of relief and the tears flowed again.
"Why are you crying, love?" Lilly looked at him, her face showing worry. She immediately joined him on the bed. "Oh come here," she encourages him to hug her and when he did, she squeezed him tightly.
"He lied," Remus's voice was shaking dangerously. "He's a fucking liar," a sob fell from his lips and he trembled. "He's a fucking liar, Lils," he sobbed.
Lilly didn't have to ask who, just one guy was capable of making Remus feel like this. Like shit - to be precise.
"Rem, calm down," she strokes his hair, holding him close to her. "What happened? I don't understand anything, what's going on? What did he do?" She asks worriedly, because it's not easy to make Remus cry, as his best friend, she knows it very well.
"He said I was beautiful," Remus whispered, his voice shaking, it's wet, soaked with tears and pain.
"What the fuck did he do?" Lilly asks and is no longer calm. She's furious.
She's going to kill Sirius, how dare he make Remus like this?
How dare he hurt him?
She thought he loved him.
×××××
"Sirius," Remus frowned as the boy entered their room, it's a rare sight these days.
It's evening, and lately Sirius has been staying outside their room until late at night, avoiding Remus, although he doesn't say it out loud, that's obvious.
"Alright?" He asked but Sirius didn't react, didn't even look at him.
Sirius stood in silence for a moment, staring at the floor, it was quite disturbing.
Okay, he was ignoring Remus, sure, but something about his silence now was unsettling.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, so quietly that Remus almost didn't catch it.
"Sirius what happened?" Remus walked up to him, not too close so as not to scare him, and looked at his face, what caught his attention was that one of his cheeks was furiously red. "What-" Sirius shakes his head.
"It doesn't matter, I probably deserved it, don't worry," Sirius's shoulders slumped.
Remus thought he wasn't the best person to comfort Sirius, after all, if Sirius was afraid of him... maybe it's better if
Remus goes and catches James now.
"I'm sorry I made you cry," Sirius' voice stopped him, it's still quiet but Remus hears it clearly.
In slight shock he looked at Sirius, who was already waiting for him, his eyes locked with Remus, his gray eyes were dim with blue and tears were threatening to flow, he looked as if he really regretted it.
Earlier, when Lilly had walked up to Sirius with her eyes narrowed angrily and slapped him in the face, he didn't know what happened.
James pulled her away and the two of them were shouting at each other. Sirius didn't understand what was happening, but he caught one sentence "I don't care, he made him cry!" Lilly yelled, ignoring James' words, whatever they were. But Sirius didn't care, he made Remus cry? He did?
"I don't believe it, did Lilly really–" Remus didn't finish the question, he was close to Sirius again and his friend's accelerated heart rate caught up with him again.
Oh, for fuck sake.
"I'm sorry," Sirius repeated, still looking sad, he didn't move away, he didn't leave.
What was it about?
If he was afraid of him and had the opportunity to leave, why didn't he take it?
"What in Merlin's name? Sirius, why are you apologizing, you didn't do anything," Remus exhaled shakily.
"I hurt you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have avoided you," Sirius looks into his eyes with a power that almost overwhelms Remus (who, by the way, wouldn't be able to be mad at his brightest star even if he wanted to).
"Sirius, I don't–"
"Can I hug you?"
Merlin's beard, why is he asking this?
Remus blinks slowly, trying to make sense of Sirius's words and behavior, but it's no use. Sirius is an enigma.
"Only if you want," he offered with a small smile and Sirius's hands wrapped around him in the blink of an eye.
"Thank you," he said softly, snuggling into him, his breath tickling the crook of Remus' neck.
Remus focused on the boy in his arms, Sirius was like a porcelain doll in his hands, Remus was afraid to break him.
"I'm so sorry," Sirius repeats again, he's like a jammed record, as if he didn't know any other words.
"Hey, hey, don't be," Remus shushed.
For a long moment they just stand there hugged in the middle of the dormitory, but eventually Sirius breaks first, pulls away, and Remus is about to lament the loss when Sirius's hand finds its way to his and the boy pulls him along.
They land on one of the beds, the one belonging to Remus, it was the closest one after all.
They lie in comfortable silence for a long moment, an hour, maybe two or maybe fifteen minutes.
Time always passes differently when Sirius is near.
"I'm sorry I made you cry," Sirius repeated, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I'm sorry about last week," he adds. "I'm sorry I'm like this," he continues. "I'm sorry, I really am," Sirius still doesn't look away from the ceiling, not brave enough to look at Remus.
"I'm sorry you're scared of me," Remus decides to say it, it's probably a good thing to say, he says it quietly. He says it because repeating yet again that Sirius has nothing to apologize for is pointless.
Well, Remus did it uncertainly and it cost him a lot, and Sirius's reaction surprised him in an unpleasant way, the boy simply laughed.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sirius asked, those words made him look at Remus, he had to make sure he was joking, but his amusement disappeared very quickly because Remus wasn't laughing. Then his amusement turned to worry because Remus thought Sirius was afraid of him?
Oh dear Merlin.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I did, but I'll fix it, I promise I'll fix it, just tell me why–" Remus begs, and this silent begging is a last resort, because Remus doesn't want to lose Sirius, even if he can't have him, not fully, he still really wants to have him, at least a little bit.
"You think I'm scared of you?" Sirius makes sure, It's a terrifying thing to think, it's a terrible thing to believe, and Remus believes it, he nodded slightly. Sirius's heart broke. "Oh, you're such an idiot," his eyes soft as he said this.
His hand rests on Remus' cheek, stroking it gently. Maybe it's the light, or maybe Remus is blushing.
"You are not?" Remus asked in a whisper. He doesn't know whether to feel relieved or break down even more, because there is no other logical explanation for Sirius's behavior.
"Remus, I have never, not even for a second, been afraid of you and I never will be, do you understand? Nothing, absolutely nothing will change that. You, Remus Lupin, are not scary," Sirius holds Remus' face in his hands and looks into his eyes with sincerity.
Remus knows he's telling the truth and it's awful, he feels like crying but it's okay because Sirius's eyes are also filling with tears.
"How could you even think that," Sirius can't believe it, how could he make his friend doubt himself so much? He would have hit himself too, Lilly was right. "You're not scary, you're lovely," he concluded.
"Oh," Remus blinks slowly, he didn't expect that. "Thank you."
"My sweet wolf boy," Sirius shakes his head fondly, a small smile on his lips, and for that moment everything is fine, for that moment everything is okay.
But then Remus moves slightly and accidentally touches Sirius, the bed isn't very big and there isn't much space between them, the fact that Sirius is still leaning over him looking at his face doesn't help.
Sirius swallows hard and pulls away, his eyes wide, his smile dropping.
He looks down and bites the inside of his cheek so hard that Remus can smell his blood in the air and it's unsettling and worrying, yet he doesn't move.
He doesn't want to make things worse. Sirius opens his mouth to say something, Remus watches him.
They're sitting across from each other now, avoiding each other's eyes.
Sirius opens his mouth again to say something, but nothing comes out. Instead, Remus feels a weight on him.
Sirius collapses into his arms, still not saying anything, but that's okay, Remus's arms automatically pull Sirius into a tighter embrace.
Sirius is warm, his heart is beating fast again. He is sad and scared, but for the first time in Remus's head appears the thought that, yes Sirius is scared, but maybe not of him.
Time passes in comfortable silence and Remus has no idea where James and Peter have gone but their absence doesn't bother him.
Sirius is lying in his arms David Bowie is playing in the background, Sirius is playing with his hand and he is playing with Sirius's hair.
Remus can't imagine a more beautiful moment.
"You still have them?" Sirius asked, he points to the dresser by Remus's bed.
Those are flowers that Remus got for his birthday, he got them from Sirius, of course he kept them.
"They're beautiful," he explained with a shrug. It really is the most beautiful bouquet he has ever received (not that he has ever received any other) "I was bugging Peter for a spell to keep them alive," he recalled with a smirk.
"And what did Pete say?" Sirius snorted.
They were both aware of Peter's fascination with plants, and how scandalous he found cut flowers.
"As if you didn't know I hate cut flowers, they're practically dead Remus!" Remus mocks Peter which Sirius finds incredibly amusing.
"I missed you," he says, tears of laughter still in his eyes.
"I missed you too," Remus smiles slightly.
Everything is okay now, everything is on the way to being okay but Remus still begs at night just before he goes to sleep:
Please don't leave me again, please don't disappear in the morning.
Remus didn't get an explanation today, maybe he never will, but that's okay because Sirius is close to him again and that's enough.
×××××
Honestly – Sirius is terrified.
He let his walls down, all his resolutions crumbling as quickly as he heard Remus cry and the reason for his crying was none other than him.
Sirius hated himself, he hated himself especially for hurting those he loves.
Because yes, Sirius loves Remus.
Isn't it obvious?
How could he not.
How could he not love Remus when he was the one who brought color to his life?
How could he not love him when his eyes were always grey. They were grey and grey and grey.
Grey like the cold eyes of his father every time he scolded him.
Grey like the walls of his house that had been so gloomy and scary when Sirius was younger.
Grey like the faded ink in old fancy books which his parents kept in the library.
They were grey and dull and lifeless and grey and grey until the day on the train when he met Remus and suddenly his life took on colour.
Suddenly his eyes weren't grey anymore, they were silver.
And it was Remus's fault.
It took Sirius a very long time to understand this. It had taken him six long years to realize that it was love.
It had always been love.
And then, when he had looked at Remus on his birthday, so happy, smiling from ear to ear, joking with his friends in that stupid cute sweater Sirius had given him for Christmas, then, right then, in that exact moment in that exact place, Sirius had known that he loved him.
He knew, because it was always love, wasn't it?
Sirius didn't fall in love, no, he didn't fall into love, it was already there, it already happened. Sirius didn't fall, he landed.
Sirius loves Remus.
Always has, always will.
He knows he doesn't deserve him, but he wants him more than anything.
He also knows he can't have him. Because Remus is Remus.
First of all, Remus is a boy.
Sirius can't love a boy, it's not something a pure-blood child would get away with. Let alone loving half-blood boy.
But what's even more important is that Remus Lupin is his best friend.
Remus is the most precious thing he has.
What if his stupid feelings destroy it all? Because okay Sirius would deal with being gay, someday, for sure. But their friendship? He couldn't lose that. It was the most precious thing he had in his life, their friendship was strong but what if it didn't survive this?
What if it somehow reaches James and Peter too?
What if Sirius is left alone? What if?
What if Remus rejected him when he found out the truth, what if Sirius lost him? What if he lost James too? Or Peter?
The thought alone made him die inside.
What if their friend group fell apart and it will be all his fault because his stupid brain decided to make him realize that he was head over heels in love?
He lives with the awareness that everything he hold so dearly to his heart can be lost because of his stupid feelings so he tried everything to get rid of them.
Avoiding and hurting Remus did nothing and only made things worse.
There was no good way out, Sirius believed he was doing what was right, what was best, something that would save them both. He was panicking and didn't know any better.
Sirius doesn't know what love is or how to show it to others, what's more, how to receive it from others (that real romantic love with kissing and the rest), he didn't have any role models growing up, so how was he supposed to know what it was and what it should look like?
Not to mention, Sirius didn't think he deserved love, because hey, even his parents didn't love him so who else would?
Ah, back to his parents...
Sirius wasn't supposed to be a failure. He was supposed to be the perfect son. To follow in his parents footsteps into the higher ups. He was supposed to make the family proud. He wasn't supposed to be happy, or with friends, or doing what he wanted.
Except he was the failure child and now he had another thing to add to the list.
He was gay.
And that's not something that's easy to accept after growing up in the Nobel And Most Ancient House of Black.
It was hard and he really went through every stage of grief once he understood his feelings.
If was terrifying, it still is.
And it was terrifying when he woke up in the morning cuddled up to Remus. It was the best feeling in the world but he couldn't enjoy it, he felt bad and wanted to cry.
It was scary.
So what did Sirius do? He ran away because that's what he did best.
He didn't understand why he became a Gryffindor, he wasn't brave, he couldn't even admit his feelings out loud.
James guessed, he knew Sirius like no other but even he didn't get a word of confirmation from Sirius. But James was kind, he was patient and understanding with Sirius and didn't pressure him to tell him the truth about his feelings (which he already knew anyway.)
Sirius was fucked up, he knew, and he was only hurting Remus more, but he didn't know any other way at the time. He'd already said too much that night.
And so began another week, and another... Weeks when he was rarely seen in Gryffindor, he spent entire days either in the Astronomy Tower or in Slytherin common room. Strange how he wasn't hated there too much, by his brother's friends at least.
In fact, he got a bit attached to them and Regulus told him not to steal his friends but to go back to his own, he wasn't cruel about it, he was understanding and Sirius loved him, of course he loved him.
Because love is sometimes complicated and difficult and you can't understand it but it's still there and it doesn't disappear, ever.
It stays and settles in your heart and it will be there forever, right?
Sirius could be angry at his brother, he could talk and argue and scream that he hated him, but they were still brothers, weren't they?
And because they were brothers, they were there for each other in the darkest moments, as always.
All it took was one look from Sirius.
When Sirius had stood in the doorway of his brother's dormitory, bursting through the Slytherin common room after the night he had woken up in his best friend's arms with the terrible realization that he wanted it to be like this forever.
All it took was one look and Regulus had stopped screaming and pushing him out of the room.
Just one look, that was all Regulus needed to understand and hug his older brother, to let him in and then let him talk, humming his favorite childhood songs, calming him down and sharing the snacks he loved.
Sirius won't admit it out loud, but he needs his little brother.
Regulus, even though he doesn't know it, is the most important person in Sirius's life, he knows him like no other. And Regulus... he's the one Sirius would trust with his life in a heartbeat, despite all the anger between them.
Sirius felt guilty because now he was spending time with his little brother, something he had been avoiding all along. And still he did it selfishly, not because he wanted it but because he needed it.
He was a terrible brother.
He was a terrible friend.
He was a terrible son.
Maybe Sirius was just bad at love?
Maybe he was bad at loving those he should have loved.
Sirius avoided his friends, no matter how much it hurt him (or them).
During lessons and meals he played it cool, he didn't let on that anything was wrong, he treated his friends the same as always, except that in his free time he did everything to avoid spending time with them.
He couldn't keep this up for long, It had already been a month since his cruel realization, since Remus's birthday party, and now, as the full moon drew closer and closer, Sirius could see how irritated Remus was, how he practically went out of his mind whenever he saw Sirius. Remus was furious with him.
And he had every right to be.
Sirius did everything he could not to lose Remus, but despite all his efforts he thought he already had.
But he underestimated Remus, because Remus didn't give up that easily.
"Tell me what the hell your problem is! What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with you? Just tell me!"
Remus finally exploded, unable to hold it in any longer, and Sirius looked at him and all he could do was cry.
He burst into bitter tears because what else was he supposed to do?
He had no other choice, he couldn't delay, put it off, and avoid the subject anymore so he cried and cried...
Despairing over what he was about to lose.
"I'm sorry, I'm so terribly sorry Remus," his voice was shaking.
He didn't deserve this kindness, he didn't deserve Remus's arms that were currently the only thing holding him together. He didn't deserve this tender look, he didn't deserve this love.
He didn't deserve love.
"It's okay," Remus is afraid that he really meant it, because it's probably true, he would let Sirius hurt him, over and over, and worse, he would forgive him for it every time.
It may be pathetic but Remus doesn't care, he's in love.
He is in love and his love is crying. What else is he supposed to do but hold him tight and comfort him?
Sirius is crying, sobbing bitterly, his whole body is shaking and he can't calm down, incoherent sentences and words that make no sense, total giberish leaves his mouth.
He talks and talks and talks fast and nothing makes sense until suddenly everything makes sense and–
Oh.
Oh.
Sirius is sure that Remus will pull away, that he will just leave him here, but he still holds him tight.
Sirius explains himself, tears keep getting in the way, interrupting his explanation, he is terrified and sad and angry and apologizes and apologizes and apologizes and keeps on going.
He talks and talks and Remus is still there and Remus doesn't go anywhere.
"Oh you poor little thing," he says quietly, because it's terrible, isn't it?
It must be terrible to be afraid of your feelings. To be so afraid that you cut yourself off from everyone and everything you love.
"The worst thing is that I can't do anything about it, I just can't not love you," he's crying again, his hands clenched in Remus's sweater.
Sirius is so sad. His face is all red and covered with tears. The words leave his lips and he is afraid, what now? He said it. He can't take it back, it's over, it's over- but Remus still doesn't pull away.
"I think that's the best thing actually," Remus speaks calmly and quietly. He can't believe what he's hearing, it's like a dream come true, but in his dreams Sirius didn't cry, so he calms him down, pulls him closer and kisses the top of his head. "I've loved you for years Sirius," he admits. "I love you," he repeated with soft smile.
"I love you," Sirius sniffs, pushing away from the hug to look Remus in the eyes.
And maybe everything will be fine in the end, maybe it will be.
×××××
Remus's had a boyfriend for two days but can't imagine life any other way.
They went back to their rhythm of life, to being next to each other all the time, to their long conversations, listening to songs together and all those little touches.
Sirius is loving towards him again, basically there is no difference between before and now, Sirius always treated him with love.
Now it was just official, they had each other exclusively and they could kiss whenever they wanted. No more hiding your feelings and worrying about how the other will react.
They quickly fell into a calm routine of being together, being in a relationship, showing each other love.
It was so easy for them, it was beautiful.
Their friends were happy that there was no more conflict between Sirius and Remus, and everything was fine again.
No one even suspected that there might be anything more between them than their close friendship, because the fact that Sirius walked around all smiley and giddy didn't give anything away, and the fact that Remus's smile always widened when Sirius was in sight didn't matter.
It had always been like that, right?
But in the end how could they not share their happiness with their friends?
"Big news, my dears!" James announces very happy and excited as he gathers all their friends in Marauders dormitory.
"Yes? What happened?" Mary yawns widely as she steps inside.
"It's too early for that," Marlene rubs her eyes.
"What's so important?" Lilly eyes the boys critically.
"Well..." Sirius pauses dramatically. "I have a boyfriend!" He announced cheerfully, raising his hand to show everyone that he and Remus were holding hands.
"Take you long enough," Peter snorted, it's not like he didn't know from the start.
"You have no idea how proud I am of you," Remus kisses Sirius's forehead.
"Well, I'm also very happy that I finally realized that we are the perfect match, now I can kiss you whenever I want! I'm sorry you had to wait so many years for this, Moons," Sirius announces, smiling sweetly.
"Oh. Stars, don't worry, every moment was worth it," Remus shakes his head fondly.
"Wait what?" Marlene turns sharply to look at the rest of the girls.
"It sounded like-" Mary gives the boys a quick look and doesn't finish her thought.
"Did they really just now get together?" Lilly is in disbelief and the girls exchange meaningful glances.
"What?" Sirius asks, frowning as the girls look at them strangely.
"Nothing, nothing," Mary denies everything with a shrug.
"No, no, please tell us," Peter persisted, curious to hear the drama.
"We were convinced that you were together since the middle of the fifth year," Mary smiles awkwardly.
"We started to suspect in the fourth," Lilly adds.
"We were really sure that you were just in a secret relationship that you were hiding badly and turns out that there was no relationship at all," Marlene burst out laughing.
"But you never said anything," Remus points out.
"We didn't say anything because, you know, we wanted to wait for you to tell us. We understand that it could be difficult, being gay isn't necessarily easy," Marlene explains.
"Well, it's strange," Sirius shrugs. "I only realized that I'm gay about a month ago."
"What's even weirder is that I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you, mate," Remus nudges him with his elbow.
"Mate? How dare you," Sirius gasps dramatically.
"Wait, Sirius," Mary frowns. "You didn't know you were gay?"
"No?" Sirius looks at her, confused.
"Didn't you find it weird that you were jealous when Remus was in a relationship back in your fourth and fifth year?" Lilly wonders.
"He didn't have time for me and was a shitty friend at the time! Of course I was jealous," Sirius defends himself, folding his arms indignantly.
"Wasn't it weird for you that when girls offered to kiss you, you refused?" Mary asks the question, Sirius shrugs.
"I actually never felt like kissing anyone until Remus this year," he explained quite unconcerned.
"What!?" All three girls, and Peter too, said in unison, looking at him strangely.
"Oi, he's working on things, let him be," James waved them off. "I'm so proud of you mate," he hugged Sirius tightly, tossing him up in the air and twirling them around as Sirius laughed and laughed loudly and Remus watched with a smile. "Congratulations to you too Remus!" James called out.
"We have to celebrate!" Peter ordered and the planning of the party began.
They had never been happier than they were now.
If only their happiness would be eternal, because their love is more than certain to be so.