story of us

The silence of the locker room before the final regular season game against Ravenclaw was tense, some of the players paced the room while the rest sat in silence. James was somehow doing a combination of both, sitting so restlessly he was basically pacing.

"James," Sirius started. Thankfully before he could continue or James would be left to try and think of some last ditch attempt to conceal his feelings, Frank appeared in the doorway. He upped the volume of his speaker in hopes to lighten the mood before they all got out there.

James tied his skates with a little too much force, his fingers trembling despite his best effort to keep them steady. He ignored Sirius' looks, pretending all of his focus was all on his footwear until McGonagall called out that it was time to take the ice.

James knew he owed it to Frank to get him out there on the ice again. He had to win for him. It was his fault.

The arena cheered so loudly as they entered that the ground vibrated beneath James. The Gryffindors were lucky to be the home team. They warmed up, skating in tight circles with faces grim with determination. James led the team out beside Remus and Kingsley, the first line of offense taking the front like usual. Sirius skated up to the front and wedged himself in between James and Remus.

Sirius leans his arm over James' shoulders, eyes fixed on his. “You’re quiet,” he says casually, though the concern under his tone gave away where this way going. “That’s weird for you this close to a game.”

James shrugged, forcing a grin. “Saving my energy for the start.”

“Don’t give me that,” Sirius pressed, slowing down so that they'd end up in a row just them two. “You’ve been off all week. I get it—this game’s a big deal and we know how things are really going for you. But pretending you’re fine when you’re clearly not is gonna mess you up. We've been over this.”

“I am fine,” James snapped, a little too quickly. His jaw tightened, and he busied himself with waving to the fans surrounding them. “You worry too much.”

“Because I know you.” Sirius lowered his voice, glancing at the other players falling into line with them as they finished the loop. “You’re spiraling, mate. Just… talk to me. Get it out before you start the game.”

James moved abruptly, shaking out of his grip and picking a new spot in the huddle. 

James stayed in his element, for a while. The Gryffindors scored early, and the stands roared with encouragement. James even managed an assist, weaving through defenders like they’re cones at practice. 

But midway through the period, he notices a group of players he recognized all too well - the Slytherins—standing near the rink’s edge. The first thing James notices about them is that they're laughing, gazes fixed directly on him. Snape pointed to him and smirked, leaning over to whisper something to his teammates. 

James’ chest grew tighter, the laughter ringing in his ears even as the game rages on around him. What are they saying? Do they think I’m a joke? He shakes his head, trying to shove the thoughts away, but they cling like burrs. I'm not going to let them win when they aren't even playing.

But still, his play started to falter. A pass he’d normally land with precision went wide, and he took a penalty for tripping a player he barely noticed in his path. As he skated beside Mary, his sub during the penalty, Sirius gave him a sharp look as he passed, but James avoided it, focusing instead on his rapid, shallow breaths.  

-

The score was tied, 1-1, with less than five minutes to go. The tension in the arena is suffocating. James’ legs feel like lead, every stride heavier than the last. He glances at the stands again. Mason and his crew are still there, watching. He swears he hears them laughing again. 

“James, focus!” Kingsley barked as they lined up for a face off. James nodded, but his vision narrowed, the rink tilting slightly. His heart pounded erratically, and the edges of the world blurred. For a terrifying moment, he wondered if he would to collapse right there on the ice.

-

Gryffindor won in a nail-biting finish, clinching the playoffs with a last-second goal by Sirius. The team celebrates alongside James, who managed a half-hearted smile as they slapped his back and ruffle his hair. 

As soon as he possibly could, James slipped away, sitting on a bench near the showers. His head rested in his hands, breathing erratic despite being rested for a while. Sirius passed by him when he returned from his shower, his celebratory grin fading when he saw James’ barely seen pale face and trembling hands. 

“You’re not fine,” Sirius says, sitting beside him before he could even try and get an excuse out there. His voice was gentle now. “Don’t even try to tell me you are.”

“I just-” James exhales sharply, forcing a laugh that borders on a sob. “It’s stupid. They were laughing. Snape and the others. I thought… I don’t know what I thought.”

Sirius didn't interrupt, it took everything in him to just let the boy speak. “I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. I felt like-” James broke off, shaking his head. “But it’s over. We won. I’m good.”

“No, you’re not,” Sirius says firmly. “And that’s okay. But you’ve gotta stop pretending. This stuff? It’s not gonna go away on its own. I feel like we've had this conversation a million times.”

James nods reluctantly, his eyes glassy. “I’ll figure it out,” he mutters.

Sirius clasps a hand on his shoulder. “Not alone, you won’t. I’m here, mate. Always.”

For the first time that night, maybe in his life, James didn't argue. 

-

In much too little time, the first playoff game was up. Not much happened during the days in between, practice for both teams came and went, James continued to tell everyone he was fine, and people continued to believe him.

The game began, and James went up for face off. Snape stood opposite him.

"Hey Jamsie, I heard you're fixed. Heard you can't be broken now." Snape started. James knew better than to respond, he just started listing off all of his favorite hockey players in his mind, doing everything to keep Snape's words out. His thoughts were almost frantic, rushing to block the thoughts that it was sort of letting them in. "Jamsie, you don't look fixed. You look like you'll have a panic attack. But do you know what's different here? If you lose, you're done. And it'll be all your faul-"

The puck dropped in front of them with a strangely deafening echo in James' ears, but he couldn't get a grip. He couldn't keep distracting himself during the game, then he wouldn't be focussed. Slytherin got the puck.

This doesn't mean much to most people, but James is notorious for always taking the face off and getting out ahead. So to lose on the first one of the first playoff game, it was frightening.

James got a strange sensation of anxiety forming over him. It was bad. It was causing him to hyperventilate almost instantly.

The first period went by, they were up 2-0, things were going well for Gryffindor, but not for James. James was a wreck, doing everything in his power to keep it to himself, but it was awful. He was trembling, and would fumble every time the puck came near him.

During the second period, James missed two shots, ones he knows he usually can get. Then Evan managed to directly steal the puck away from him and score. Marlene called a time out for the team to talk without their coaches practically right after this. It really wasn't as intense as she made it out to be, but with how important winning this game was on top of how bad James was playing seemingly out of nowhere, everyone was extremely high strung.

"Listen everyone, we're still up by one... by some miracle. But we're playing like... like a team that doesn't go to the playoffs. I mean Potter, what's going on? You were on a roll these last few weeks."

But James couldn't answer, the break in the one thing he had to partially distract himself and knowing the time out was basically all for him, it was happening.

"Potter?"

"Why isn't he saying anything?"

James' eyes were squeezed shut, his breathing sharp and jagged, hands shaking. He was already humiliated but since everybody already knows what is happening and he was this far into it, there wasn't anything for James to do to get out of the situation. "I'm-I'm having a panic attack." these words were awful for him to admit, like a punch in his gut, after how good he'd been feeling, well he hadn't ever stopped to see how he felt, that's why he thought he felt good. And even more so after their talk about managing his anxiety. He promised he could handle it. He lied.

Just like how you lied about being able to make it through the playoffs and about Frank's arm being an accident. 

"This ones really bad, thought he said he's usually calm by now." Frank noted. Sirius stepped forward, knowing he had to do something.

"Hey, Potter?" Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know it feels like there's a million things going on at once, but there isn't. This game is just you and the puck. In thirty seconds, we're back on the ice. All that has to happen is... get the puck, get the goal. This game doesn't have anything to do with what people say."

This found James, and he was able to stop. They all got back on the ice and finished the period, a 2-2 tie. The second goal by Slytherin had occurred right at the end of the period, a bad pass from Marlene to Remus that Barty had smoothly intercepted. And despite being at a complete different part of the rink than James, he still knew that it had to be his fault. No one else on this team makes mistakes.

The last period, James had the puck, he was bringing it down the rink, when suddenly, he felt himself being slammed. Not just checked, body slammed into the backboard. Maybe it had been a mistake by James or the helmet was nearing expiration, but from the way he collided with the plexiglass, James' helmet managed to pull completely off and crash to the ground beside him. The cracking sound of the only head protection he had as well as the sound made by Snape's forceful shoves, the pair attracted the attention of everyone on the ice before they could assess what was happening.

But James wasn't entirely aware of what was happening. He had Snape on him again. Slamming against the boards again and again.

"Thought maybe this would ease your mind," he spat. And he wasn't wrong, James couldn't think about anything with the repeated injury, or even after Snape was finally being pulled off of him. Through blurred vision, James found Snape being dragged to the penalty box by the ref, Binns screaming at Slughorn like he'd never seen before, his teammates instantly at his side. There was a divide of the Slytherins, some with shocked confusion at the state of James and the others acting as if it really wasn't a big deal and following Snape to the box.

McGonagall hadn't been able to come to this game, though that was who James really wanted to see.

Frank slipped out onto the ice, catching himself as he hobbled out in his boots. James had slid down to the ground, but Remus and Frank each grabbed a gentle hold of his arms to bring him back up to a standing position. They pretended they weren't carrying the entirety of his weight up.

Braylen stepped into the center of his vision. "James, you're alright, let's get your helmet and finish this game, yeah?"

James showed no sign of comprehending the sentence and it seemed they'd forgotten for a moment that his head had hit the ground so many times. Frank readjusted his grip to instead be more of a hand across his shoulder and placed a cold hand on his burning neck. "James, I'm just going to ask you a few quick questions and I need you to do your best to answer them, okay? ... Do you know my name?"

Kingsley snorted at the question until they were met with a half a minute's silence. James weakly mumbled, "...Frank,"

"Good, how about the date?"

This time the silence stayed for a full minute. Frank repeated his question. Two minutes. The teammates exchanged nervous glances at the lack of knowledge being provided by James.

"Maybe he just didn't even know it in the first place, happens to him all the time," Remus suggested in a hope to ease some of the tension and provide as much false hope as he could. "How about we try some medical questions... James, can you give a number for how hard your head hurts?"

He shrugged and whispered some incoherent babble as an excuse for an answer. When asked to repeat himself, he shrugged again. They assumed it must not hurt too badly if he isn't saying anything.

"Okay, do you feel nauseous? Like you'll genuinely be sick?" James nodded weakly and most people took a slight step back. But Remus continued to stand to his side, still holding half of him up. "Do you feel tired, like you need to or could fall asleep right now?" Another weak nod and a flutter from his eyes, as if the question had prompted the action of him. "Can you try and give me a number for the headache again? You can hold it up on your fingers if that's easier."

James staggered and stumbled to get to a position where his hands would be free until he finally mustered up all ten of his fingers. Shock filled the team and suddenly tears were rolling slowly and silently down his face. The ref suddenly blew his whistle that the game had to go on.

Binns sent everyone back into the game besides Sirius who begged to stay with James. Mary skated out in replacement while Sirius grabbed hold of the arm Remus had been lifting before and motioned for Frank to help walk him off of the ice. They sat him on the bench outside the rink door and James looked around with confusion and pain evident.

Slughorn walked over soon after. "Clear out of the way, all of you... Listen Potter, you are going to tell the ref and everyone here that you instigated the fight. You said some really messed up stuff that made Snape defend himself. You both took it too far, but he didn't do it first. If you don't tell them that, you are kicked off the Hogwarts Elite team and I will do everything in my power to keep you away from playing for as long as I can." If James was fully conscious at the moment, he probably would have laughed. He would have explained that all he wants to do is be forced out of playing hockey. But he's barely responsive so instead he tries to motion for Slughorn to move out of his way. "You can't just push me out of the way, I need a verbal agreement... Potter?"

James felt the rush of water to his mouth and before James could do anything about the situation, his stomach lurched forward, what he'd been trying to warn the coach about. He ended up puking directly onto the shoes of the man. It didn't last very long, but it took enough out of him that he would have completely slumped over if Sirius hadn't run over beside him once Slughorn ran off with disgust.

"Alright, mate! Wait to stick it to him! Now let's go and get you cleaned up, yeah?" Sirius tried to grab one of his arms to lift him but instead of responding, James found himself slipping, his eyes went from blurry to completely black and all he could do was let go. Frank was walking ahead and Sirius had one of his arms, not a good enough grip to stop the boy from falling He braced himself for the harsh landing but instead something caught him.

-

The waiting room was cold. Colder than the rink had been all day. Sirius leaned forward in his chair, knee bouncing wildly with nothing to do but think of all the potential problems James could be facing.

Remus grabbed one of his hands, holding eye contact for as long as the awkward boy could manage. "He's going to be okay," Remus started.

"He's unconscious. He's been passed out for over an hour. The back of his head was bleeding, like a lot. He didn't know the date." Sirius spiraled through another time. Remus squeezed his hand a little harder.

"They said he's stable, though. Hockey players get concussions all the time, James has had one before-"

"But not from someone slamming him into the boards repeatedly! For no reason!"

Remus didn't reply to this, he didn't have anything he could say that would make Sirius feel any better about what was happening. He'd been rambling though the same couple of potential brain injuries and what led him to think so for the last hour, ever since Remus joined him in the hospital waiting room. The game was over, they'd won. Next game Frank would be cleared to play and everything was set up so perfectly with the following game being against Hufflepuff, but no one could celebrate with one of their players sitting in the hospital.

Regulus entered the room shortly after. He held a small card from the gift shop. "You guys able to see him?"

"If we could go in and visit him, don't you think I'd be in there with James right now instead of out here doing absolutely nothing but twiddling my thumbs or whatever the hell?!" Sirius burst. Amos looked taken aback and he immediately felt bad for lashing out. "Sorry, no they said it'll be a while." 

"Right..." Regulus nodded and walked to a different part of the waiting room. A few other Hogwarts members sat in the other room which he joined.

Neither of the two said anything after that, Sirius fidgeted with his free hand, eyes darting to the door every few seconds. Finally, Sirius moved, leaning slightly closer to the warmth emitting from Remus. “You okay?” he asked, as he realized he hadn't truly asked him the way he'd been checking in this whole time.

Remus turned, meeting his gaze. “I’m trying,” he whispered, voice breaking so slightly as the weight of the situation pressed down harder.

Without thinking, Sirius closed the small gap between them and pressed his lips to Remus'. The kiss was soft at first, unsure, as if testing the waters if it was okay to feel something more than fear in this sterile, heart-stopping place. But then, as if the world around them had melted away, it deepened. In that moment, the room seemed to shrink, the buzzing lights fading, the murmurs of others in the waiting room becoming distant echoes. All that mattered was the connection between them; the warmth of his lips, the reassurance in his embrace. It felt like they were finally able to breathe, finally able to exhale the weight that had been building in their chests.

But then, footsteps sounded then stopped abruptly, and a small voice broke the bubble they had built around themselves.

“Hey,” Regulus said, standing awkwardly in the doorway with an attempt to conceal his shock. He looked from Remus to Sirius, his face a mixture of curiosity and discomfort. “You can go see him now. He’s awake.” 

Sirius pulled away quickly, a flush spreading across his face, while Remus cleared his throat, trying to mask the awkwardness with a half-smile. “Uh, thanks,” Remus muttered, clearing his throat again and reaching out to gently take Sirius' hand. They both stood, their moment of closeness abruptly interrupted, but it lingered in the air between them, unspoken.

Neither of them questioned why Regulus was going out of his way to see James, or why he never went into the room, but they were so caught up in the situation that had just occurred on top of visiting James, it just wasn't important to them.

James was okay, asking if they'd one or not with a sigh or relief at the outcome. No one knew the relief was because now he didn't have to play anymore, he was both injured and replaced by Frank. He was facing a grade two concussion that needed at least two weeks of time off hockey. No one knew he was perfectly okay with that.

-

Regulus heard Snape's game plan. He was going to take James out and hopefully injure him similar to what they'd done to Frank. Regulus hadn't wanted to even watch the game of Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw game, but he couldn't not go. He got along all right with Barty and Evan when they weren't doing anything hockey related and Snape wasn't around. The opposite of what would be happening at the game, but he still had to go.

As they watched, Snape begun describing a new idea on how to keep James away. Injuring him. Breaking an arm or spraining an ankle, anything. He tried to object, but Regulus knew that he was far past being talked out of this, and all he could do was try and stop Snape during the action.

Of course, they'd planned for that. Snape acted when Regulus was across the rink and a few Slytherins were there to hold him back from getting over there. 

However, even Barty was shocked when instead of just checking his shoulder, even a couple of times, Snape was slamming his head into the backboards. A lot. Then Snape got taken off the ice and Dorcas suggested Regulus see how bad James was doing. He had refused the action at first, until James had been escorted off the ice and still looked very injured. 

Regulus walked the perimeter of the arena, skates in one hand as Slughorn had made it abundantly clear he would not be going back into this game for whatever reason. He passed by the huddle of people that were starting to disperse away from James and noted how he'd not responded to Sirius and didn't seem very aware of his surroundings. He wanted to yell out that James was not in a state to be walking, even with the help of two boys. But he was far too late for that, instead passing by right as James had taken that first step and then started heading straight for the ground.

Regulus dropped his skates and stopped James from hitting the ground. But James remained unconscious, missing the brief argument between Regulus and Sirius over why Reg was there, why Sirius was stupid enough to walk in front of James, and how incompetent Slughorn was.

He sat in the waiting room after the game, pretending he didn't see his brother kiss his teammate and even more pretending he hadn't picked up on the situation before. However, he did not go in once James was in a stable state to be visited. He couldn't bare to see James when everyone was there too.

So he waited for the entire remaining hours of visiting until everyone had cleared out, not even registering that Regulus was there. Remus and Sirius finally left with thirty minutes before the hours were over, and Regulus stood outside the door of the hospital room. His heart pounded in his chest. He had never felt so uncertain in his life, but he knew he had to do this. Taking a breath, Regulus knocked softly and pushed open the door.

James was propped up against a pillow, his face pale but calm. His eyes shifted inconclusively when he saw Regulus enter, but there was a softness in them that Regulus hadn’t expected. He stood in the doorway, unsure of what to say, his voice caught in his throat.

“James,” Regulus began, his words faltering. “I... I came here because I owe you an apology.”

James blinked, clearly not expecting this. “You don’t have to,” he said quietly, his voice still strained from the concussion. “I know you didn’t hurt me. You didn’t want it to happen.”

Regulus shook his head, stepping forward. “No, I was part of the problem. I let my teammates get to me. I was cruel and kept pushing you away, and it wasn’t fair. I should’ve stood by you, instead of following them.” He paused, guilt settling heavily in his chest. “I promise, I’ll never be like them again. I’ll never hurt you like that.”

James met his gaze, and after a long silence, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “I forgive you, Regulus. You were just... trying to fit in. We all make mistakes. I know those guys too and they aren't easy to get away from, or say no to.”

Regulus exhaled in relief, taking a step closer to the bed. “I’ve been an idiot,” he murmured, sitting down on the edge. “And I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I’m sorry for all of it.”

James shifted slightly, wincing as he adjusted, but then reached out. "I’m sorry, too," he said quietly. "I shouldn’t have kept you at arm’s length, either. I was... angry. I think because you have been right about a lot."

Without thinking, Regulus leaned forward, the air between them charged with something new, something unspoken. Their lips met in a brief, soft kiss, slow and gentle. When they pulled away, James' eyes fluttered closed, the exhaustion of the concussion overtaking him. Regulus smiled softly, brushing his thumb against James’ hand.

“You know how long you're gonna be out for?” he whispered so as to not bother him.

"Rest of the season and close to the end of Elite's as well," James replied, not a hint of sadness in his tone. "I'm not gonna play Elite when I'm back though, as in I don't think I'll be on the team anymore."

Regulus' eyes widened slightly. "You're quitting?"

James almost laughed. "No, Sluggy kicked me off, or he's going to. 'Cause I won't lie and say that I instigated what happened between Snape and I. Also I kind of puked all over him."

"Finally, someone did it to him. Well, you should get some rest. I can visit tomorrow?" and James nodded, his breath evening out as he fell into a peaceful sleep. Regulus stayed there for the little bit of remaining time before a nurse came in to send him back into the main part of the hospital, content in the silence.

At the hallway entrance, there was another surprise waiting for him. Sirius, leaning against the wall, arms crossed but with a hesitant expression. Regulus froze, eyes narrowing slightly. He'd been sure that they'd both gone home nearly an hour ago. They hadn't talked about anything. At all, really.

Sirius didn’t say anything right away, just offered a glance that spoke volumes. It wasn’t just about James. For once. It wasn’t just about their family. It was about the years of distance between them, the silence that had lingered like a thick fog.

Sirius finally spoke, his voice low but firm. “Reg, I’m not proud of how we’ve been... how I’ve been. I should’ve reached out sooner.” Regulus opened his mouth, but Sirius held up a hand. “I know I messed up, too. And I’m sorry for that.”

The words hung in the air, fragile but strong. Regulus sighed, his shoulders loosening as the last of the tension between them started to dissolve.

“I’ve been a jerk too,” Regulus muttered, his gaze softening. “And I don’t want to keep pretending like it’s all fine. I don’t want to hate you, Sirius. I don’t.”

For a moment, Sirius seemed to hesitate, then pulled Regulus into an unexpected hug. It was tight, awkward, but real. “Me neither.”

When they pulled back, both boys shared a small, bittersweet smile, their bond beginning to repair itself piece by piece.

“Let’s go home,” Regulus said softly, his voice quieter now.

Sirius nodded, and for the first time in what felt like forever, they walked side by side, the unspoken understanding between them more solid than the words they hadn’t needed to say.