story of us

3 things have happened in the last 24 hours. Regulus had his first ever panic attack, he defended James against the Slytherins, and got punched in the face.

-

Regulus had never truly felt how angry his team could get when they don't do well, he hadn't had a reason to, until the day before the Hogwarts Elite scrimmage.

“Hey, Reg,” Snape called, his voice sharp as a skate blade. Regulus didn’t look up. He didn’t have to. He already knew what was coming.

“That play out there? Wow,” He said, clapping his hands mockingly. “Truly impressive. I’ve seen peewee players do better.” The other boys laughed, circling him like vultures.

“Yeah,” added Evan. “And you wonder why no one passes to you. It’s like you want us to lose.” Regulus clenched his fists, the leather of his gloves creaking under the strain. He opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out.

“Oh, what’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” Snape sneered, stepping closer. “Or maybe you’re just too used to everyone at home ignoring you to know what to say.” Regulus froze. “Hey, maybe your brother was onto something, getting disowned and running away from home... Who’d want to stick around for that mess?” The laughter echoed in his ears, loud and oppressive. His chest tightened, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His vision blurred at the edges, the ice and the faces around him warping into a dizzying swirl.

“Stop,” Regulus managed to whisper, but his voice was so faint even he barely heard it.

“What’s that?” Snape leaned in, cupping his ear. “Speak up, Reg.”

But Regulus couldn’t. His breaths came in short, ragged gasps now, each one harder to catch than the last. His heart pounded against his ribcage like it was trying to escape, and a cold sweat broke out on his forehead. “Think we finally caught him where it hurts, did we just break our little baby player?” someone muttered, but their voice sounded miles away. Regulus stumbled off the bench, gripping the boards for support. His vision tunneled, and he doubled over, clutching his chest. The walls seemed to close in, the air thick and suffocating.

“Hey,” another voice said, their tone uncertain. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Regulus?” Barty's voice wavered, but Regulus couldn’t focus on anything except the overwhelming panic consuming him from the inside. Had he not seen James run through this exact motion, he would have immediately thought to be dying. But instead, shame burned across his face and all he could think about was how he'd never live this down if he let this accelerate.

He took a breath, forced the panicked choking breath to huff out as a laugh, and stuffed it as far down as he could manage before grabbing his bags and walking out.

-

No one mentioned what the Slytherins may or may not have done to Regulus the day before, which either meant they couldn't even remember as they didn't care enough to deem it important, or they enjoyed what they had done and were going to repeat the action a second time.

Regulus spent the entirety of the scrimmage so caught up in not making a mistake, he made more. Going along with this part preoccupying his mind, Regulus also found it to be a terribly rough game on James' end. Being sent to the penalty box for basically nothing and then not taking it very well. It was a hard watch and knew it was an even harder experience. After what he'd dealt with the day before, all he could think about was how awful and draining going through the anxiety everyday must be for James.

After the game, the only thing on his mind was that he needed to apologize to James, or at least give some indication that he didn't hate him. Not anymore. Not after realizing how serious his problem could be. James did everything he could to keep it a secret so how much he showed wasn't even as much as he was facing. But he happened to walk by at the wrong time and that one wrong turn ended up being the worst night ever for him and for Regulus.

“Careful, James. Don’t hyperventilate again,” said Snape, always the ringleader of these moments, smirking. James’ shoulders stiffened, but he didn’t look up. Regulus leaned against his locker, arms crossed. He had been quiet since the game ended. Too quiet. His thoughts churned like a storm.

“I mean, honestly, why are you even on this team?” Barty had added, a cruel grin spreading across his face. “You’re just a liability.”

The words hit too close. Just days ago, they had said the same thing to Regulus. Only worse. You’re worthless. No wonder your family’s so screwed up. The memory still stung like an open wound.

“Shut up,” Regulus said before he could think. The group turned to him, surprised. After taking as much of it as he could, Regulus turned over to finally look at James in hopes he was as relieved as he originally hoped he would be when making the plan. But James didn’t look relieved. His expression darkened, and he stood up, glaring at Regulus. His chest felt tight, the fight pulling at memories he’d tried to push away—his older brother yelling at their mother, the sharp, biting words, the helplessness of watching it unfold.

But still, somewhere in this mess, Regulus of all people ended up being the first person James punched. The one who tried to get him out of the terrible situation. Either James didn't want him to stand up for him, or he didn't believe that he was standing up for him. Either way stung.

“Nice work, hero.” Barty snickered as Regulus held the cuff of his hoodie to his bleeding nose as if Barty didn't have to do the same.

“Shut up,” Regulus said again, but this time his voice was quiet, almost to himself. It wasn't worth the fight anymore. He had lost his toxic but still unfortunately needed friendship with his team and didn't even gain the alliance of James.

-

After all of the boys finished mopping their faces and Snape was done icing his lower area, they stood in awkward silence. Until Evan spoke up. "James is a little snitch and already went off and told the whole team, Sluggy and all. We're all getting interrogated in the next few minutes so make sure you all stick to the story."

"James came out of nowhere and attacked us because he was mad he wasn't doing as good as us. We only fought back once to get him off our back. That one punch to him was done by Regulus." Barty finished.

"Why just me?" Regulus asked, he knew whoever was the person who hit him would have to take some games off or face some punishment. James would have a bruised face so there was no denying they hurt him but at least if they all got it then it would be as if no one got punished and instead just a break in practices and games.

"Because you basically wanted James to fight us, and we will do the best without you playing for us." Snape replied easily.

When the coach called him in later, Regulus sat in silence at first, staring at his hands. He felt the weight of James’ anger, the guilt of his own mistakes, and the fear of losing whatever shred of respect he had left. But then he remembered the way James had looked when Snape taunted him. The panic that had filled his own chest just days ago. “He needs to know,” Regulus said suddenly, his voice breaking the silence.

The coach looked at him, surprised. “Know what?”

“Everything,” Regulus said. “What they’ve been doing. What I... what I’ve been part of.”

-

Remus and Sirius walked to the door of the hockey arena in silence. A strange and awkward silence seemed to follow them frequently for the last few days. It wasn't until they changed in a dressing room alone, that they finally said something.

The locker room smelled faintly of sweat from the minimal time between practices. Sirius leaned against the far end of the bench, tugging at the laces of his hockey skates. Remus, on the other side, was quietly pulling off his hoodie. The silence was uncharacteristic for them, and it pressed down like a weight, both aware of the invisible line they had been tiptoeing around for weeks.

Sirius broke the silence with a nervous laugh. “You’re going to freeze if you don’t hurry up. It's freezing outside so it'll be even worse on the ice.”

Remus glanced at him, his face partially obscured by the shirt he was pulling over his head. “I’m not in a rush to get bruises in practice,” he said lightly, but his voice wavered.

Sirius smirked, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Scared I’ll knock you flat on the ice?”

“More like I’ll outskate you,” Remus retorted, though his tone lacked its usual bite.

Their eyes met for a fraction of a second, Sirius’s grey ones dark with something that made Remus’s chest tighten. Sirius quickly looked away, busying himself with the tape on his stick. Remus swallowed hard, suddenly hyper-aware of the way his heartbeat thudded louder than the hum of the overhead lights. As Sirius stood to toss his old tape into the bin, his arm brushed against Remus’s shoulder. The touch was fleeting, barely anything, Sirius had had more sexual tension in his life with James, but it lingered like a spark between them. Both froze, neither daring to move or speak.

Sirius was the first to break the moment, stepping back and shoving his hands into his pockets. “Let’s... uh, let’s go fill up our water bottles in the office before practice.”

Remus nodded mutely, grabbing his jacket. They walked around the perimeter of the rink in heavy silence other than the slamming door and footsteps of the rest of the Gryffindors entering the facility. They went into the other locker room, which meant Remus and Sirius would still be alone when they went back.

“Remus,” Sirius finally said, voice low. “Is it just me, or—”

“It’s not just you,” Remus interrupted, his breath fogging in the cold. He stopped walking, and Sirius did the same, turning to face him. “Something’s... different.”

Sirius bit his lip, looking at the ground, then back at Remus. “I thought it was just me being... I don’t know. Stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Remus said quickly, too quickly. His cheeks burned, but he didn’t think it was just from the cold. “I... feel it too.” The admission hung in the air between them, raw and heavy. Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but the sound of muffled shouting cut through the moment. 

“Was that from the locker room?” Remus asked, eyes narrowing. They exchanged a glance and hurried back inside. When they pushed open the door, they froze at the sight before them. James, their teammate and closest friend, was slumped against the lockers, clutching his side. His face was bruised, and his breaths came in shallow gasps.

“James!” Sirius shouted, rushing to his side. “What the hell happened?”

“They... they cornered me,” James choked out, his voice shaking. “Slytherins... from the other team." Sirius pressed for more details but James was in no state to deliver them.

Remus sent Sirius off and stayed back with James. He had faced his fair share of anxiety, but never from another team bullying him, he didn't really know what to do to help him. This was a job for a coach, a professional, and Remus was neither. He was barely enough to play at Hogwarts. He wasn't enough to get Sirius and him to anything more.

But as they worked to help James, the tension between Sirius and Remus shifted. Their shared worry for their friend overshadowed everything else—for the moment. But as Sirius’s hand brushed Remus’s while handing over an ice pack, the electricity between them flared again, a silent promise that this conversation wasn’t over.

-

Remus showed up at James' house the weekend following. James had been medically sent home for the rest of the week, which was only two days. But still, the last thing he had expected was for his friend to be on his doorsteps with a movie. He had figured no one would want to see him anymore, but Remus needed to hang out with his best friend and more importantly, have a real conversation about what was happening.

And selfishly, Remus needed to talk about what may or may not be happening with Sirius. But that could wait... maybe.

"Hey James," he started, they sat in his living room. James immediately jumped to the conclusion this was pity hangout, and knew better than to think he actually would want to see him after the interaction previous.

"You don't have to do this... you don't have to pity me. I know... I'm a pussy. I know that no other hockey player does that. I'm sorry you had to see it. I'm sorry you have deadweight on the team..."

"What? Is that what Snape said to you? Because what the hell are you saying? I'm here because we're friends, or I consider you my friend. We always hang out on the weekends, medical suspension or not. And like hell you're deadweight, you've scored more goals this season than anyone else on the team." Remus stated. He didn't mean for it to come off so passive aggressive, he knew that was a bad habit of his and the last thing James needed right now.

"Really?"

"Potter, the only thing I'm upset about in this whole thing is that you didn't tell us. We would've helped you, you didn't have to go through this for so long without us."

"That's the thing. I didn't want to be a thing for you guys to take care of... I didn't want to become a liability... like I did on my last team" There was a pause, obvious confusion from the lack of information James had provided on the topic of his former team, and James decided it was time to come clean to his team. Well as much as he could muster through.

"Did they say that to you?" James shamefully let up a weak nod. "When?"

"... When haven't they?"

-

It took a painful amount of time for James to text his teams to meet him for a chat. Everyone had heard about what happened, but no one knew the full story. Not even the boys who caused it, who were in fact also invited.

"Hey guys, I know I've been acting off recently. And I want to talk about everything. Clear it up and apologize," James started, the whole Gryffindor and Hogwarts Elite team sat in Honeydukes, focused on James' words. Of course, Barty, Evan, and Snape didn't show up. But surprisingly Regulus did and he wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing.

His black eye was still swollen, similar to James.

"Last year, I tried to quit hockey because I couldn't make it through one period without a panic attack. My team hated me, like a lot, and they were especially bad after the start of my anxiety. But then I came to Gryffindor, and I met this team, and it got better. I realized it was the environment, not the sport. Then that team came back and so did all of the old problems. I'm sorry for keeping it from you, I thought it would be better if I didn't tell you lot, but that ended up making things worse."

"Hey, it's all good Potter." Frank was the first person to break the silence. Everyone agreed with his reply.

"Just one thing... when you do have one, tell us, we want help." Marlene added.

"Just one thing... how do we help you?" Pandora asked.

"It's really all just deep breaths and reassurance. I usually just need a second to breathe and I'm okay."

The rest of the night they talked and laughed like there had never been that awkward conversation earlier, and James was relaxed the whole night. The only thing that kept it from being a perfect night was Regulus. He didn't say a single word. 

-

The next few games went by great for James, they were winning the majority, and James was able to keep it together. He was really making progress in a short period of time with the help of knowing the Gryffindors and the rest of Elite had his back. Until their next game against the Slytherins.

If James said he wasn't anxious about the upcoming game, he would be blatantly lying and everyone knew it. He was terrified. Not because of his anxiety coming out, he'd made real headway in managing it and the lack of hiding it from his teammates took some of the worry away as well, but added some all the same. This time he was afraid of messing up because if he let it get to him and cracked under pressure, his teammates would have to pretend not to be upset and tread around him carefully. And they would decide it was too much to handle and decide the Slytherins are right, and bail on him as well.

"Potter," Sirius whispered, and James snapped out of his thoughts. He'd been panting just thinking about the game without realizing. James took a breath and tried to relax. They finished dressing in the locker room and headed out onto the ice.

The game began, James focussed on nothing but his teammates and the goal at each end of the rink. The Slytherins of course were using their favorite tactic, but James shook it off like he never had been able to before. Genuinely. He was focussed.

The game started to come to an end and it seemed they got desperate to make James choke. James couldn't take a step without hearing Jamsie or something about panic attacks, but James looked at his teammates then at his opponents and thought, 'who cares'

-

After the game, James walked towards McGonagall's car in the rink lot on their way back to the school.

"You seemed very confident out there tonight." the coach noted. "Just remember, it's okay if it does get to you sometimes. If you try to ignore it all of the time, it could make you feel worse."

"No, I'm fixed. I keep it out. It doesn't bother me anymore, I'm fixed."

"You're doing well but you can't cure anxiety in under a month-"

"I'm fixed. I don't need any more talks like these... but thanks." Minnie opened her mouth to protest but eventually decided against it. She knew that it wasn't over, but James seemed fine, so he must be.

He must really be fixed.

Regulus was lugging his bag towards his car and happened to catch the ending of their conversation. '... it could make you feel worse' 'no, I'm fixed.'

Fixed.

Regulus had heard that before, he could remember the exact time when James said that so Regulus didn't know why he thought it was worth using now. If Regulus could remember, James definitely should have. It had started during the first summer James started dealing with his anxiety.

"Hey, you seem to be doing better out there, what changed?" Regulus had asked after James' first game scoring the whole season.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fixed."

"Fixed...?"

"I just like scream inside my head to shut up because that blocks some of it from getting in, it works, trust me." James flashed one of his famous and infectious smiles. The difference? It was almost a grimace from how hard he was forcing it. Regulus shook his head to clear the sight.

"Um, are you sure blocking it out and getting better are the same?"

"Yes! Now relax, it's not your business anyway." James snapped out of nowhere. Regulus nodded with little more to say and even more afraid of James lashing out. He must be fine.