hockey season - week 3
The weekends home with family are James' favorite time, there's no question about it. Especially with the recent way school and hockey have been going, it was much needed. The drive home with his coach did not get any more comfortable after he'd recovered from his panic attack, however.
They sat for the remaining hours with nothing but the radio to fill the silence, and the static as they drove through rural areas. James slouched in the passenger seat, staring at the passing trees as she drove. The air was thick with unspoken words. He had already apologized twice for "making things weird," but McGonagall had brushed it off both times. Now, the quiet between them was heavier than the unspoken words on his tongue. Almost worse than confession.
"James," His coach said softly, breaking the silence after they'd reached halfway through the ride.
"Yeah?" he replied without looking at her.
"You know it’s okay to talk about what happened back there. I’m not going to push you, but I hope you know I’m here if you need to."
James stiffened, his fingers curling into the edge of his sweatshirt. "I’m fine, Minnie. Really. Just tired."
She gave a small sigh but didn’t press further, switching the radio station to get some reception, and the upbeat pop song filling the car only made James feel worse. He leaned his head against the window, watching the world blur. "I’ll be fine," he muttered, as much to himself as to her.
-
"Jamie!" His mum''s voice was full of warmth as she pulled him into a tight hug at the door. The smell of her lavender perfume hit him like a wave of nostalgia, but it also made him feel like a fraud.
"Hi, Mum," he said, forcing a smile. "Missed you."
She held him at arm’s length, studying him like she always did. "You look... tired. Everything okay at school?"
"Great, actually," he lied with practiced ease. "Just a lot of late nights with homework and hockey."
His dad ruffled his hair as he walked by, carrying a tray of snacks. "Hope you didn't give Minerva here too much of a hard time on the drive down, or practice today."
James laughed nervously. He had most certainly given her a hard time, she shouldn't be dealing with this at all. "Oh, not a chance. You have a lovely boy." She replied casually. He could feel Minerva's eyes on him as she carried his bag inside, after intense attempts of James insisting he can do it himself, but he avoided her gaze.
The next morning, Sirius arrived, bounding out of Effie and Monty's car with his usual energy obtained from his weekends at the Potter's.
"James!" Sirius grinned, pulling James into a bear hug. "Can’t believe you roped me into celebrating your mum’s birthday then couldn't wake up in time to get me from the train,"
"Mum likes you more anyway," James said, relieved by his friend’s casual tone.
The day was filled with laughter, Sirius effortlessly charming James’s family while James pretended everything was fine. At one point, Sirius nudged him while they were setting the table.
"You’ve been quiet," Sirius said, his voice low enough that no one else could hear. "Everything cool?"
James hesitated for half a second before flashing a grin. He hated how Sirius could read him despite James never revealing anything about his usual level of anxiety. "Yeah, just tired. You know how it is."
Sirius tilted his head, unconvinced, but let it drop.
By Sunday evening, James was back in Minnie’s car, his stomach tightening as they neared the boarding school gates.
"You boys ready to go back?" Minnie asked, her tone casual but her concern evident.
"Of course," James said quickly. "Why wouldn’t I be?"
She didn't answer, figuring it was more of a rhetorical question, though James was genuinely asking, what could she see through?
-
That night, lying in his bed in the dim dorm room, James stared at the ceiling. When Remus and Peter were still in the bathroom, Sirius stood at James' bedside for another minute. "You would tell me if there was something going on, right? With the team or anything?"
He could still hear the laughter and taunts from his teammates in his head, their words like static he couldn’t tune out. But he wasn’t going to tell anyone—not McGonagall, not his parents, not Sirius.
Because admitting it felt like losing.
And James wasn’t sure what he’d do if he let someone in and they couldn’t fix it.
"Of course, mate. But there's nothing worth mentioning." He lied through his teeth. He didn't know if anyone had heard him up in the middle of the night, locking himself in the bathroom, sitting against the door, an average Sunday night.
The following day at Gryffindor was pretty good, James felt back to normal, aside from his voice being slightly gone. This happened after all of his panic attacks for some reason.
"Hi guys!" Lily started as everyone sat down at lunch.
"He-ey," James said, his voice broke mid-word and crackled out. He laughed it off as they always do, given he lost his voice often.
"Wow Potter, sore throat again?" Mary asked, a Gryffindor practice player. "No surprise there."
"It had been a while though, right? I feel like it wasn't since the winter, I figured it was seasonal." Remus noted. James almost laughed to himself at that idea, it sort of was seasonal, seasonal depression. But of course he couldn't make that joke.
"Yeah I guess it had been, it's fine it always comes back after a day or so." James choked out, and Remus was right. It has been several months since his last one. They all talked throughout the lunch hour, James wouldn't have even remembered his night prior, had he not had to break off every so often to cough or clear his throat as it went out frequently.
"James, you haven't eaten your cold spaghetti, what's the matter?" Frank joked as he gestured to the plate of crappy school food untouched on his tray.
"Throat hurts, but its fine," James mumbled back.
"Oh yeah, what was up last night? You busted out of that place, James." Marlene mentioned. Everyone else backed up the realization and James sighed, knowing he had to give some form of explanation by now. He thought for moment. The best thing to do is to let them know that the Slytherins are treating him like shit, then just try and seem as unbothered by them as he could with a sore throat that was caused by how bothered he was by them.
Either way at least Marlene will see it sometime this season. She may be oblivious, but she isn't stupid.
A new ball of anxiety formed in his stomach.
"... had to get away from those guys," James mumbled, looking away from all of them. "Didn't want them to say anything else."
"What were they saying?"
"Oh yeah you never said what Barty told you during that game."
"And what were they going on about in the locker room?" All of the questions, at once. James would've turned frantic, but he tried to remember McGonagall's advice and he slowed himself down. They all stared at him, his knee bounced below the table. He picked his fingers and breathed for second.
"You good mate?" Sirius asked him. He always knew what was up. But he still didn't know the anxiety part.
"... they have a nickname they like to use to get under my skin. And then they think I'm going to crack under pressure. But I won't. I-I can handle it. i just wish they would drop it already because it's annoying as hell."
"Ignore them, we've got you, mate." Frank added and everyone else agreed. James sighed and tried to feel relief at the support. But then he remembered that they were only supporting him because they didn't know what was actually happening behind closed doors.
-
Then came the Gryffindor game against Hufflepuff, a fairly easy win, the kind that reminded James why he plays hockey.
"We should go out for dinner, because we officially have a winning streak, three games, three wins." Kingsley suggested.
Everyone piled into a booth at Honeydukes, laughing together as James told a story. He didn't very often, he could never hold the conversation up that long, but after such a good day, it was easy.
"So Sirius realizes his hockey bag is still in his car. And so are the car keys." he says through laughter. "Then he remembers that his trunk is still unlocked so he climbs into his car through the trunk to get in but then he gets stuck in between the trunk and the backseat! So he calls me from his spot dangling over the seat to get him unstuck." But as they continue to laugh at the ending, James' gaze travels across the restaurant. There's another large table, a team. The Slytherins. They're here, celebrating a win. James tried to pull his gaze away before they notice the Gryffindors, but of course Regulus happened to look over at the same time. Remus saw James' instant shift and turned, seeing the team as well.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here." Snape started. Braylen, Gryffindor's goalie, stood up and was quickly firing back, James would have been appreciative for the defense against him, but he was just trying to keep himself out of it. Fights happen all of the time in hockey, that wasn't the problem, it was the fact that it was people he hates but used to love and the people he does love but know will hate him after hearing the other against each other. There was no chance the Slytherins would get out of this without coming after James.
James heard the term 'Jamsie' and instantly froze. Nothing good ever followed it. "Hey not to worry James, we're handling it!" Frank said while he stood next to Kingsley alongside Marlene and Sirius while the others sat watching. Although it was a nice attempt at making sure James knew they cared after the prior conversation, but it was not how he wanted to handle things.
"Not to worry, next game it will be pretty clear which one of us is the better team, and just a little hint, its not going to be the one with Jamsie, because last time I checked, if you can't make it through a game without a pani-"
"Last time I checked, Mama's Boy over here isn't exactly capable either. If we're going to recall on Team USA let's recall on some things I remember between Regulus and-" Regulus jumped forward at James' choice of nickname and James stumbled back, his team partially holding him back and partially pushing him forward. James regretted it the instant the words left his mouth but he had been biting the words back for so long he couldn't let the opportunity pass.
They finally sat at the ice cream parlor next door, the Slytherins hadn't even gotten their food yet so they didn't have to worry about being followed. The conversation was back to normal, but Remus had to think about what happened a little more. James shut down what Regulus was saying the second he started a word, all he got out was 'pan'.
The word 'panic' began circling around his head. He knew the term panic attack, but surely he was exaggerating it, he didn't actually mean that James Potter had panic attacks, right? Right.
Sirius on the other hand was looking at James with a different new realization. James knew more about their mother, more like Regulus' mother, than he'd told.
Mama's boy.
Mama's Boy.
The words circle through Regulus' head for long enough and suddenly he's two years younger at summer camp just days after opening up to James about some of his parents' problems. The term 'Mama's Boy' has been floating around for a few hours, ever since Snape and Barty had walked in on James panicking in the locker room.
The concerning part was he hadn't told anyone about his situation aside from James.
James fucking Potter spread the name, the same boy who would nearly breakdown every time he missed a shot. And in this rage he forgets the creator of the name Jamsie and why it was invented.