hockey season - week 1
"All right, that's a wrap on tonight's practice, get some rest before tomorrow's game, it's a big one! This is our first game of the season, and it's against our rival school team, Slytherin. I also heard they recieved a new player this year," Coach McGonagall explained as the Gryffindor hockey team skated off the ice slowly, talking amongst themselves after the long practice. Due to the four teams all sharing the same school, there was a significant divide between the teams, as it was always a competition of which division was best.
"Mate I'm starving, we should grab dinner after this as a team," Marlene suggested as they all entered the locker room.
"Someone's quiet, Potter what's on your mind?" Sirius asked lightly. James looked up from Honeyduke's, the campus pizzeria, table and snapped out of his thoughts.
"It's nothing, really." James mumbled as he continued to think. This was his first game against Regulus, whom he hadn't spoken to since the summer at the intensive hockey camp, which had not ended well for either of them. It wasn't unusual for them to avoid each other, they were rivals before the annual summer trips to the prestigious American hockey university had begun, but things were different now. No one knew how, but they all knew that they were.
Regulus obviously also plays hockey, but it was never too much of an issue being from different schools meant being on different teams, which meant they would only see each other a little. However, Regulus had been offered a spot at James' school for his rival team this past summer, meaning they would be playing against each other weekly.
"Oh come on, something's up, is it your parents? Are they ill again?" Sirius pressed. James sighed, figuring he might as well tell the others something. Sirius and his brother hadn't spoken in what must be years now, so James was unsure if he would defend the boy or not.
"Nah, it's just... we're playing against Regulus. We don't exactly get along, like at all. I don't know how I'm supposed to act around him as well as all of his friends. I just know they're going to be dicks when I see them."
"It's alright Potter, you'll be with us the whole time, there won't be a second for them to bother you." Marlene reassured him.
"Yeah, definitely." James replied absently to continue the conversation and they all kept talking about other things as James stuffed his anxiety down a little farther.
-
Leading up to the game against Slytherin, everything was fine. Regulus and his best friends, Barty and Evan, two boys from team USA that James couldn't stand, hadn't seen him, so they couldn't say anything to bother him. Until "James face off." McGonagall instructed, and James skated up to the line. This was usually his favorite part, but as he slid up to the midpoint line, spotting the boy he was up against, he began to feel the familiar wave of anxiety come over him.
"Potter," Barty started. There was a strange gleam in his eyes as if he'd been waiting for this moment. James wondered how much Regulus had told his team, he knew everything about James, and something told him that he would not be keeping that advantage hidden.
"Save it, let's just play like we don't know each other. You know, how you lot acted for all of last summer?"
"Okay well let's hope you can get through this game without a panic attack, I know that's a little difficult for you." Barty spat. This comment caught James so off guard that he didn't even notice the puck drop down before them. He was a split second behind the other boy but thankfully caught his grip on it and was able to pass it to Frank first.
The game was going well, the score being 2-0 with Gryffindor in the lead until the last period. Marlene had the puck, she was flying down the ice, so close to the goal. James was looping between the Slytherins until he was open for her assistance.
The ball was passed to him. It was coming. And then. Crash. One second, the puck was reaching James' stick, and the next, he had two players from two different directions on him slamming him backward against the backboards. His stick, helmet, and pride skidded across the ground, though James was still up against the board pinned by one of the players that had charged them, he couldn't tell who. why couldn't he tell who?
His vision was blurred even with his glasses partially still on his face but he could hear someone speaking in front of him."Remember this little trick can get you going, Potter. It's worth the two-minute penalty to have you choke." Regulus.
The ref finally got the Slytherin off of the ice and more importantly, off of James. Marlene called a time-out as they all surrounded him, who had slid down to a sitting position against the boards after Regulus let go. "James, you good?" She asked, lifting him to his feet. His stick and helmet were returned to him as he tried to gain some composure. His vision steadied, and he wasn't hurt, but Regulus wasn't wrong.
It got his panic rising.
"Y-yeah, yeah, just need a second." he took in a sharp and shaky breath, now was not the time to begin to inform them of his anxiety and panic attacks. Especially as most of the time, they were under control, hockey helped with it, except for when they knew his weakness.
The game finished out and although he wasn't approached by any of them again, James didn't go for the puck nearly as much as he always does. He was known for being able to get open in any situation, but he didn't push this time.
-
"Solid win, everyone. They were an aggressive team, but we will see those all season, and I know none of you guys will let it get to you. We actually play them again next week. Oh, James and Marlene, please go visit Headmaster Dumbledore." Their coach explained after the game.
"What did you do?" Kingsley asked.
"Nothing, Marlene?"
"Same here."
"You better not have done anything without me, Prongs," Sirius said, shoving James lightly.
"Guess we'll find out," James laughed, faking an air of confidence. He usually didn't mind getting in trouble, when he wasn't the only one and it was just harmless pranks. But something about this time felt different to him. It felt... off. It had to be something to do with hockey, but not with the team if it was just the team captains needed.
The team cleared out of the locker room talking about nothing more than some good plays in the game but James still hadn't thought of a good excuse for what to say happened between him and Regulus during the game.
"... well, I've never seen a team who shoves someone off their broom for no reason," Kinglsey added, and James' smile fell for a moment, but he picked it up quickly.
"Um, y-yeah I know, they've always been like that."
"But why would they do it to you? It's not like they hurt you, they just pinned you for a second and talked to you, all that does is give them a penalty." Frank said. James paused for a moment to think about how he could pull this off.
"They try to... to get in people's heads. Since they hate me especially and I was getting open, they did it to me." James explained, trying to make it seem like he didn't know what they had done either. Like Regulus hadn't explained it to him many times before.
"What'd they say?"
"And since they know you, they know that kind of thing doesn't work on us, you won't get messed up from them pinning you down."
"I don't know, like I said before, they're dicks. And I'm going to be with those dicks a lot more now that they're playing for Slytherin." James responded, avoiding the obvious question. He did not need them hearing about panic attacks or how they knew about them.
-
James and Marlene sat across from their aged headmaster, who hadn't said anything since their arrival. Marlene turned to James with a confused and amused giggle, but James wasn't didn't meet her eyes. He was staring straight forward trying to keep himself together. Marlene continued to watch him. This was James Potter. He doesn't get worried. She was about to say something when he finally turned and saw her. He instantly tossed a smile onto his face but Marlene couldn't pretend she hadn't seen his face before.
The door opened again, James flinched slightly at the sound as it broke him out of his thoughts. Regulus stood in the doorway, eyes widened at being faced with James but his face remained still. Behind him was Snape, Dorcas, Evan, and Barty. Four people from team USA. James didn't know Dorcas well, but he knew that Marlene did. Whatever was being assembled was very poor judgement on the people.
The office was opened a final time to reveal Amos Diggory, Melinda Higgins, Xenophillius Lovegood, and Pandora Rosier. There were at least two people from every team and each person was very, very good at hockey. James pieced it together before Dumbledore even begun to speak of creating one elite Hogwarts team. And James felt like he was drowning. Playing on the same team as the Slytherins instantly brought him back to the summers. The panic attacks before every game and the yelling after each one.
-
"James, why aren't you excited?" Peter asked the next morning. He was one of the few people in the school who didn't play and instead he was Gryffindor's team manager.
"Exactly, you made the elite team, that makes you the one of the best players at Hogwarts which means you're one of he best in the UK." Lily Evans continued. She assisted Peter in managing as well as being the commentator.
"I am, I am, it's just... the people. I've played with them before. It's bad, everything about it went bad. I can't even think about next summer right now let alone play with them today." James continued desperately trying to keep it together and avoid exposing the entirety to how deep this issue goes and how intense his anxiety is at the moment.
-
Regulus rested his head against his arm, brushing his hair from out of his face. His team was talking about their upcoming game but he couldn't seem to catch a word of the conversation. He was more focused on the noise from the other cafeteria tables. James’ voice was part of it, fast-paced with an edge of worry that always made Regulus’s heart skip, even when he tried not to let it.
He tried to keep his gaze focused ahead, away from where James and his friends were eating. It was better this way. But the words he heard next cut through the air, clearer than the scrape of blades on ice.
"I just can't handle being on his team,” James said, a slight anxious undertone coming through. “You saw what he did during yesterday's and I've been seeing that for years. Every time he ends up slightly more like the others he's playing with... sorry Sirius.”
The words landed hard, the apology to his "older brother" punching him as well. They hadn't spoken in over a year, he hadn't even told Sirius about his arrival to Hogwarts. Regulus froze, feeling the sting of those words like a slap. He leaned forward, gritting his teeth, but he didn’t move. He didn’t want to hear more, but he couldn’t help it.
“I mean, yeah, he’s good, the team will do well, but I don't know how I'm going to get through a full season of this, y’know?” James continued. “And it's not just him. It's the other boys as well but at least they stick to the teasing and then move on. They weren't my friends for as long or as much as it was Regulus.”
Regulus’s chest tightened. 'They weren't my friends for as long or as much as it was Regulus.' The words made him ache in a way he couldn’t explain, and for a moment, he wished he could just go back to Durmstrang, away from hockey for another year, away from the suffocating feeling in his chest. But before he could retreat completely, a memory surged forward, unbidden—unwelcome, but undeniable.
-
It was last summer, late into the season, before championship time. The locker room was buzzing with the usual chaos of guys shouting, tossing towels, getting dressed in that mix of pre- and post-game energy. Regulus was tying his skates, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that something had changed between him and James. He had been doing that a lot lately, ever since that one evening they spent talking in the parking lot after practice.
James had stayed back, lingering longer than usual after the others had left. The cool air had felt different that day, as if the whole world was holding its breath, waiting for something to happen.
“So,” James had said, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, “you, uh... you did alright today, Reg.”
Regulus had turned toward him, blinking at the strange intensity in James’s eyes. “Yeah? Thought I kinda screwed up that last pass.”
“Nah.” James had smiled. It was small, hesitant, but there. “You didn’t. Not really.”
Regulus had felt his heart beat faster. It wasn’t just the way James was looking at him—it was something more. They’d been teammates for years, but lately, there had been this unspoken tension, like a thread between them that neither could fully grasp.
“I don’t know,” Regulus had said, fidgeting with his stick. “I think maybe you’re just being nice.”
James had snorted. “Maybe. Or maybe I’m just not used to seeing you screw up.”
Regulus had laughed, but his chest had tightened. He’d always liked James— more than a teammate should. There was something about the way James’s smile could light up a room, something that made Regulus feel alive in a way he couldn’t explain. It was so much more than hockey.
They'd shared many moments over the years together, not allowing any of them to amount to more than the brief brushing of their hands or a couple of secrets being admitted about the struggles with their families and friends, how none of Regulus' girlfriends had worked out as they were all too serious for him, and how none of James' had because they were all too casual. But still, it seemed none of them could get farther than that to admit there was something more there.
“Anyway,” James had said, shifting awkwardly, “don’t forget. You gotta work on your wrist shots. Coach’s been on you about that for weeks.”
Regulus had nodded, forcing a smile, but his mind was still elsewhere, still on the unspoken thing that hung in the air between them. James had clapped him on the shoulder, a gesture that had felt almost too intimate, and turned to head for the door.
“Later, Reg. See you tomorrow.”
And that was it. The moment slipped away. Neither of them said anything else. Neither of them acknowledged the shift in the air. The team was harsh. Too harsh for things like feelings, especially between two boys. Especially between them.
-
Regulus’s hands gripped the table tighter, the memory still vivid in his mind like a bruise that wouldn't fade.
He couldn’t let it matter. It didn’t matter. James had moved on. They had both moved on. The past was over, and whatever had happened between them had just happened and it was over. It was easier to pretend that it hadn’t meant anything. Easier to believe that James’s awkwardness back then had been just been awkwardness.
But now, hearing James say he didn’t want to be on the same team, it felt like the walls were closing in on him. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to shout back. But instead, his heart just thudded in his chest. The silence between them felt louder than any words ever could.
He wanted to leave. Just get away, before anyone noticed how hard he was shaking.
The voices of his team and the Gryffindors nearby brought him back to the present, and he stood up straight, trying to ignore the tightness in his throat. He could hear the others laughing, but the words still echoed in his ears 'I just can't handle being on his team,'
It wasn't about the others, it was about him specifically. The others are the ones who actually bullied him, but Regulus is who he can't stand to be around.