Take a look into the life you're leaving, I promise you this isn't pain you're feeling
Sirius
Take a look into the life you're leaving
I promise you this isn't pain you're feeling
I'll carry you, my darkest desire
When life sings to you through devil's choirs
F.E.A.R. won't steal what burns in you
I'll carry you away from the fire
The front door of 12 Grimmauld Place was exactly the same as the last time Sirius had seen it, but the wave of anxiety that usually crashed over Sirius at the sight of it was nowhere to be found. His mother was dead, his father was dead, and 12 Grimmauld Place was just a house. A big, dark, probably haunted house, but nothing else than that.
The door unlocked for him, immediately recognizing his magic, and Sirius stepped inside hoping that he’d find what he was looking for. Who he was looking for.
There weren’t many places where Remus could have been. After finishing his year teaching at Hogwarts, he didn’t have a place to call home, as far as Sirius knew, and he couldn’t think of anyone close enough to Remus to have him over at their place. Grimmauld Place was a bit of a longshot, but it was the only option Sirius had been able to come up with after thinking about it.
He knew he had been right as soon as he crossed the threshold and the distinct voice of Jim Morrissey playing from the library welcomed him. Bringing back a whole flock of memories from better, happier days, along with the certainty that Remus, at least, was alive. No one else in this old house would play that record.
The foyer was just as dimly lit as it had always been and he could hear the angry muttering of Kreacher speaking to himself somewhere down in the kitchen, his mother blissfully quiet behind the curtains of her portrait, but the air of the house seemed to be somehow cleaner, less oppressive and loaded, and Sirius was pretty sure he had Molly Weasley to thank for that. Probably a difficult task considering he wasn’t precisely her favorite person, but that was the last thing in his mind right now.
“Moony?”
He kept calling his name as he climbed the old creaky stairs, his own voice the only sound besides the music still coming from the record player, but he didn’t get an answer. He was starting to get worried when he reached the door to the library. He debated briefly if he should knock first, but it was his house after all, and the door was open anyway, so he made his way inside, suddenly nervous about seeing Remus again.
When he saw Remus, curled on the couch under a blanket with his eyes closed, the world around him simply didn’t matter anymore, it melted away, faded into the background while he remained rooted to the ground. Sirius stopped to admire him, there wasn’t another word for it, an immense wave of relief crashing over him at the sight of Remus, alive, whole, apparently unscathed. It eased an anxiety he hadn’t even been aware of until that very moment, too preoccupied trying to find him to stop and consider what would happen if he didn’t. Now he just wanted to look at him until Remus image would imprint itself in his memory like only his worst memories seemed to be able to do, until he could see him clearly even with his eyes closed to never feel lonely again.
He was doing exactly that, frozen and leaning against the doorway, when Remus opened his eyes, and Sirius’ heart skipped a bit at the sadness, the sheer anguish he could see in them, but he also saw the glimmer of hope that fought against the fear and uncertainty. The vision of Sirius seemed to shock him out of his position, and he scrambled backwards like a deer caught in the headlights until one more movement would land him on the floor.
Sirius called his name again, softer than he’d probably ever had, and Remus closed his eyes, tightly, a single tear making its way across his cheek. He was pale as if he’d just seen a ghost, which, Sirius realized, he probably thought he had. After all, to him, Sirius had been dead for weeks. That was enough for him to start walking again, beaconed towards Remus as he had always been.
When Sirius made his way to the couch, sitting near enough for Remus to feel the cushion dip, but not enough for their bodies to touch, Remus turned to him so sharply that he would have sworn he heard his neck protest against the movement. Remus was turned to him, but still refused to look at him. His gaze was fixed somewhere behind Sirius, as if seeing through him. As if Sirius wasn’t standing mere centimeters apart from him.
Sirius raised a tentative hand. Not wanting to overstep a boundary, he gave Remus time to get up and leave, to say something before finally, with all the care he could muster, cradling his face in his hands. Remus immediately leaned against the touch with a sharp intake of breath.
“Hey, Remus, love. It’s okay. Look at me, please”. The endearment he hadn’t voiced out loud in nearly 15 years just slipped out of its own accord. A pained whimper was the only indication Remus had heard him at all.
“Please. It’s okay Rem, I’m here” Sirius had never heard his own voice sound so broken, but it seemed to do the trick, because Remus finally, finally, fixed his gaze on him.
He saw Remus’ beautiful, red-rimmed eyes fill with tears. His own vision was starting to blur, and Sirius softly swiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“Shhh. It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here now”.
When at last Remus seemed to believe his eyes weren’t deceiving him, he couldn’t hold it together any longer.
“Sirius” he murmured, and it was pain and anguish and something that sounded awfully close to heartbreak. He collapsed right against Sirius’ chest, a mess of snot and tears, fisting the fabric of his black sweater, trying to get as close to him as physically possible as if trying to burrow into him to meld their bones together.
“Let this be real. Please, please, let this be real” he mumbled, more to himself than Sirius, trembling into his chest, and Sirius’ heart broke all over again. After all, he knew a couple things about feeling haunted by hallucinations.
“It’s real, I promise. I’m here,” he answered, choked up, while carding one hand through Remus’ sandy curls and rubbing the expanse of his back with the other. Remus clung to him tighter, as if he was afraid Sirius would turn to mist and slip through his fingers if he didn’t hold him tight enough.
Remus tried to speak again, but the sobs wracking his body wouldn’t allow him to, and Sirius held him just as tight while he cried, however long that was, rocking them slowly and murmuring comforting words in his ear until his voice turned hoarse.
Remus embrace was a balm made to restart Sirius battered heart. Time and space didn’t matter. The only important thing was the feeling of Remus back in his arms. That warmth that he only felt with him and that spread through his whole body to make him question how he could have ever mistaken what he felt beyond the Veil with this. It didn’t come even close.
It was now that Sirius became aware of how deeply he’d missed Remus. Even though it felt like he had seen him yesterday, the distance between them had existed since a long time ago. They’d been inseparable once, before the war and the pain turned them way too old way too fast. They’d still shared a bed every time they happened to be at the same place at the same time during the war, which happened more and more sporadically the more work they had to do, but it always felt like they were miles away, even when they were close enough to touch.
After Azkaban, Sirius knew he didn’t deserve this closeness again. Not when he felt like less than a shell of the man he used to be, a cruel caricature of what he had been. Not when he had nothing good to offer, only painful memories and a whole new collection of nightmares. He wasn’t the man Remus had loved anymore. Remus deserved better, so much better than him. Sirius knew this, just like he knew that, now that he had him in his arms again, it would break him to back away. To give Remus the space he deserved to keep going with his life without Sirius interrupting it for a second time.
So, he didn’t. He allowed himself a bit longer in this fantasy where he got to hold the love of his life close to him again.
He didn’t know how long they spent like that, holding each other as if nothing else beyond them mattered, because it didn’t, not to Sirius anyway, until Remus seemed to calm down enough to talk, face still buried in Sirius chest.
“I- I saw you get hit a-and fall… but now you’re… How?” Remus choked, muffled by the fabric of Sirius sweater.
Sirius considered it for a bit before answering, “Bella’s curse didn’t actually hit me. I deflected it at the last moment, but it did make me lose balance and fall into the Veil. And then… I’m not really sure what happened, it was like time slowed down. Thinking was hard but I felt like there was something telling me to keep moving forward. It’s difficult to describe, but it was like everything was suddenly peaceful and warm and good and I had to keep walking towards it.” He stopped, collecting his thoughts for a moment, the place had felt warm at the time, but now the memories of it only made him feel uneasy. “I didn’t” Sirius said, voice small, secretly thankful that Remus couldn’t quite see his face now.
“What?”
“Well, I- I felt like I had a choice, you know? Like I was supposed to go forward but I could also sort of… turn back. And I thought that even though you would be fine without me, maybe… maybe Harry still needs me” At that, something seemed to break inside Remus, who burst into tears all over again. He started sobbing so hard Sirius could feel it rattling his bones, a wet patch appearing in Sirius’ sweater where Remus had pressed his face, he didn’t care one bit.
“Sirius, of course I need you” his voice was beyond broken, and the tears didn’t slow down, falling faster than Remus was capable of wiping them away. He still tried, and Sirius ached to kiss them away, to let his lips trail over Remus’ cheeks to erase any trace of sadness from his face. “Of course I need you, I love you”.
“I know, Moony, I love you too”. With a sudden rush of determination, as if suddenly breaking away from a lethargic haze, Remus moved back enough to hold Sirius gaze properly for the first time since he’d entered the room, his chin still quivering, but his gaze steady. He seemed to steel himself.
“No, no Sirius, I love you. I’m in love with you. And I know I don’t have any right to tell you this, not after the way I behaved last time. Not after I let them take you away without putting up a fight, but it’s the truth. And it’s okay if you can’t ever love me again, I get it and I don’t expect anything from you, of course I don’t, but I just…” he trailed off, worrying is hands in his lap, eyes now casted downwards, but his voice was sure, not a trace of doubt about it. Not a flicker of uncertainty.
Sirius heart was beating so hard he was afraid it would jump out of his chest through his mouth if he tried to speak. Not that he thought he’d able to form a sentence, the words I’m in love with you repeating themselves in an endless loop in his head. Remus kept talking before he had a chance to put himself together after the revelation that for some reason way beyond his comprehension, for some miracle the universe had decided to bestow upon him, Remus still loved him, maybe just as much as Sirius loved Remus. He couldn’t believe it. It didn’t feel real. At all. It didn't feel earned or deserved, but Remus had said it either way. And Sirius believed him, trusted him even when he didn’t trust himself, he always had, always would.
“I just-. I needed you to know that. That I love you and I need you. How could I not?” he asked shrugging almost helplessly, “My life is better with you in it, in whatever form that is. I thought you were dead, Sirius, I thought I’d never get to see you again and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my heart would never beat right again if yours wasn’t there to guide it. A-and now…. I- if you’re back, I never want you to doubt that. That I love you, so much, so much I don’t even think I can explain it, not in a way anyone would understand”.
“Rem, Moony”. The pure anguish in Remus’ voice made Sirius react almost instinctively, aching to sooth it in any way he could. He took Remus’ hands between his own, holding them firmly but lovingly, before gathering himself to speak. He owed Remus at least half of the courage he had always shown him, and the same amount of truth. “Love you again? Remus, love, I never fucking stopped. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.” Sirius let go of his hands only to bring their foreheads together, relishing in a closeness they had denied themselves for far too long. “I’ve been in love with you for so long that I can’t remember how my heart would feel without it, I never want to find out either.”
“Really?” Remus voice sounded so small, so scared and incredulous that it made Sirius heart ache, and he could do nothing but answer with the bare truth, even if he still couldn’t really believe this was actually happening to him. That he’d get to be so lucky as to be loved by this wonderful man twice in his life.
“Yes, always. You know that. You have to know that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. I loved you all this time thinking that you would never want me back, not anymore. Not when I’m not the version of me you fell in love with all those years ago. But now, if you’ll still have me, broken as I am…”
Remus shook his head fervently “You’re not broken. You’re so far from broken. You are perfect. To me, you’re perfect”.
Sirius didn’t let him talk any further, this wasn’t the time to discuss his shortcomings, and he wouldn’t dig his own grave by telling Remus all the reasons he shouldn’t want to be with him. He was far to selfish to do that now.
“You’re perfect to me, too,” he breathed against his lips, right before closing the distance between them and bringing their lips together, hoping to chase away the doubt and the fear.
It was exactly like Sirius remembered, but nothing like it. It was life-altering in the same way it was grounding. Brand new and somehow achingly familiar. It was the best thing he’d ever felt. The best thing he’d ever feel. His lips were soft and pliant under Sirius’, and Remus let out the prettiest whimper at his touch.
And maybe Sirius didn’t think he deserved this, didn’t feel like he was good enough for this amazing man that managed to love him even now. But it didn’t matter at the moment. It didn’t matter because Remus immediately pulled him closer, hands touching his face, running up and down his sides and then everywhere in between as if trying to find any place where he wasn’t solid. Like he still couldn’t believe he was real. Sirius deepened the kiss eagerly, making up for all the years he hadn’t been able to do this, feeling more present than he’d been in a long time. Finally reunited with the half of his soul that had always belonged to Remus.
When Remus broke the kiss, panting, it could have been seconds, years or centuries, but Sirius yearned the loss immediately. He’d be happy if he could spend the rest of eternity in Remus’ arms. He, apparently, had other plans at the moment, and something in Sirius immediately screamed that it had been too good to be true, but this time it was easier to drown the voice in his head and cup Remus’ face instead.
“I’m sorry, Sirius, I’m so sorry. For everything” said Remus hiccupping, voice trembling and broken, eyes still glistening with tears. He was the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever seen.
“Shhh, none of that, Moony” Sirius whispered leaving a kiss on his forehead, his jaw, his wet cheeks, the tip of his nose, before going back to his mouth to breath against it “you have nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing to forgive, there never has been”. Sirius kissed him again, and Remus followed his lead until they were both gasping for air.
“I don’t know if I can believe that” Remus confessed then.
“That’s okay” answered Sirius kindly, guiding Remus head so it rested on the crook of his neck and kissing his temple chastely, hands buried in his unruly curls, “I’ll keep telling you until you do”.
Remus threw his hands around his middle and hugged him back tightly before taking the initiative for the first time and kissing him like a starved man. Sirius lost himself in his mouth, reacquainting himself with every detail of it that he’d once known better than his own.
Just like before, it was Remus who broke the kiss to speak again.
“We- We have to tell Harry. And the Order! Everyone thinks you’re dead” he said, still short of breath.
Sirius was sure he was looking at Remus with fondness quite literally dripping out of his eyes, and even though he longed to hug Harry close to him again, he selfishly decided to steal a bit more time for themselves. Remus looked like he needed it, and it was already way too late to pay Petunia a visit without probably getting arrested by the muggle police.
“Tomorrow, ok? We’ll talk to them tomorrow. For now, how about we go sleep a little? I think we’re both exhausted” suggested Sirius kindly. Remus only held him tighter. The sun was long gone, but the air wasn’t cold enough to induce the trembling in Remus’ body.
“I don’t want today to end. I don’t want you to go” Remus confessed.
“Oh, love. I won’t, I promise. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away” the old quote brought a tiny smile to Remus face, the first in more time than either of them could remember, and Sirius swore right then and there, to whoever was listening, that he would try his best to make Remus smile, even for a fleeting second, every day for the rest of their lives.
“Come on, love, let’s go to bed” he punctuated it with the softest of kisses, and Remus nodded, albeit reluctantly.
Sirius also felt reluctant to disentangle himself to stand up, but he could see that Remus was dead on his feet, the emotional rollercoaster clearly having taken a toll on him. Record long finished, Sirius cast a quick spell to stop it’s spinning and tidy up the room. Never letting go of Remus’ hand, that was holding his with a fierce grip, he pulled him to his feet before stepping into the hallway.
When they got to Remus’ door, stepping inside together wasn’t even a question. Silently, they climbed together onto the bed, lying on their sides, hands clasped between them, Remus’ soft chocolate eyes never straining away from his face even when his eyelids started dropping with exhaustion.
Sirius kissed his forehead reverently before whispering low enough to not break the domestic calm that had wrapped around them “Sleep, love”.
And, with that, Remus finally let go and slipped into a peaceful sleep.