James Potter has always been an only child, his parents wanted more children but it was impossible for them so little Jamie was their miracle. He has been spoiled since birth and at the same time Euphemia and Fleamont made sure that he wasn’t a complete brat. They love him unconditionally, James knows that, he always has. James loves them too.
It’s summer and his house is a bit of a mess. Sirius and Regulus appeared on his doorstep just a few days after leaving Hogwarts, bloody and shaking. James wishes he could erase their suffering because that’s a view he doesn’t want to see ever again, not to mention the nightmares and flinchings of the last month. Of course, James has helped both of them through flashbacks and nightmares before, he has been Sirius's best friend since they were eleven years old and Regulus' boyfriend since last year.
Even after all these brothers have gone through, James can’t help but feel an immense happiness whenever any of them laugh or even smile (a true smile), especially with his parents. It took them a while to understand that parents were meant to protect and love instead of to hurt and yell, Sirius has been here before so he was slightly more used to it than his little brother who is also getting there. Baby steps.
Contrary to what many may think, James is an observer, at least of the people he loves which this house is now full of. He has noticed that even when both Effie and Monty have taken them in as their sons, there is a small preference that works both ways. Sirius had fallen in love with Effie and her hugs the very moment they met, he clings to this new unharmful mother figure that he can share jokes with and who will help him put on makeup without judging him.
Regulus, on the other hand, lights up when Monty enters the room. As the nerd he is he was delighted when Fleamont asked to mentor him on potions and now they are in the basement experimenting more than they are not. James has to contain a laugh any time that his dad praises Regulus and he turns completely red up to the ears, so stunned by the recognition his own parents never gave him.
Similarly, Effie is charmed by this 16 year old that hugs her or asks her to dance out of nowhere. On top of that she always seems very proud everytime that Sirius feels confident enough to ask her for advice of any kind. All the same, Monty has been captivated by Regulus’ intelligence and his ambitious questions, not including the boy’s love for potions.
So good, Effie and Sirius, Monty and Regulus. James has no problem with this, obviously, he just wants everyone he loves to be content and safe. And it’s not as if he doesn’t hang out with his parents anymore, just not as often. They spend more time with his best friend and boyfriend but that was to be expected, they are healing and in need of affection. After all, the universe has to make up for the shitty family they grew in and James is going to do anything he can to help.
He still has his moments, cooking is something James has always loved to do, a love he shares with his mum, it’s their thing (don’t let Monty in the kitchen, it’s not a good idea, he better stick to mixing potions and not food). And with his dad is a vaguely different matter, the main thing they have in common is quidditch but he is a bit old to play with him anymore so they have ended up building another routine. Monty is very passionate about plants which James is honestly terrible with, however, he tends to talk his dad’s ear off while he gardens and they both enjoy it.
Then things change, Sirius starts asking Effie to teach him to cook which she does gladly. Regulus helps Monty gardening, too. And suddenly, James is never alone with his parents anymore. This is not a problem, not at all, why would it be?
Okay, maybe James is a little upset, although he’s more upset about the fact that he is upset to begin with. What does he have to be bothered about? His parents are paying more attention to Sirius and Regulus, so what? James is not a spoiled brat, he shouldn’t feel angry about this, even admitting it to himself sounds wrong.
They have lived their whole lives with people James wants to kill, and he is not kidding, he has never felt like this about anyone besides Greyback. It's just fair that they get some good parental figures at some points. And there are no better parents in the world than James'.
So when his mum, always perceptive, asks what's wrong James doesn't want to tell her. It's childish and selfish and he has no right to feel this way.
“It’s nothing, mum. Don't worry” James puts on his best smile and tries to dismiss her question.
“Jamie” Of course she wouldn't buy It, what was he expecting?
James sits up from where he was laying on his bed, lost in his thoughts. He can't dare look her in the eyes, that doesn't keep him from leaning onto her when she sits next to him and wraps her son in her arms. Something James adores about his mom is that she will always hug him. It doesn't matter if she is mad or disappointed, if James (or the black brothers, or any of his friends, really) reaches for a hug then she will open her arms no questions asked.
“Tell me what's in that frenetic mind of yours, darling” Her voice is soft and James hears the door closing, she is helping make this a private conversation.
“It's silly”
“Nothing that has my hyperactive son laying on bed and staring at the ceiling in the middle of the afternoon can be silly” His mum runs a hand through his hair and James feels like a little kid again, safe.
And maybe he can tell her, because who can he talk to about his intrusive thoughts if not his mum? She will listen and help him understand himself, as she always does. James opens his mouth, ready to try and express what's on his mind.
But then a loud noise of glass hitting the floor and shattering can be heard from downstairs. Dad is out doing some grocery shopping and James is pretty sure that Regulus is in his room so it must have been Sirius. Effie looks at him conflicted, she has to go down there to check on Pads because he is probably freaking out right now.
James nods and smiles, hating the tears that form on his eyes when his mum leaves the room. It was just the perfect timing, like if the universe knows that James' struggles are stupid and It's trying to avoid him from saying It out loud and ruining others' day. He closes his eyes shut and presses his palms to them, he won't cry when he doesn't deserve to.
Everyone calls him sunshine, always happy and there for others and James is proud of it. James is glad his friends see him as someone they can go to, someone they can talk to and be supported, comforted. James knows, he knows, that he is the most healthy, non traumatized person in his group. He doesn’t have a real problem to be worried about, then why does his chest hurt?
Why, even being surrounded by his loved ones, does he feel so alone?
Why does he have this wish to be selfish and ask for comfort when he doesn’t need it?
Why?
The light touch on his shoulder is so unexpected that he actually jumps a little, he didn’t realise someone entered the room. Beautiful gray eyes, a storm in his most natural form, was staring at him. However, it was not the usual glaze he received that always made James blush at the attention, concern running through the lighting even when the only other sign of emotion his face showed was a raised eyebrow.
There is one person in this world besides his mother that could tell right away when he was struggling, his boyfriend. It didn’t happen overnight and they are both already shit trying to deal with their own emotions (they are both just teenagers after all) but after this year they have spent together they have become pretty good at reading each other.
It was unusual to James to be seen in the middle of a breakdown and it was uncommon for Regulus to see it, though he has seen more of James’ insecurities than his friends. It’s not like it was a conscious decision he deliberately made, his own struggles never came up when he was with them and even when they asked he would just say “I’m fine” and change the topic.
The thing was that James doesn’t want to be seen like that because he knows he has no reason to feel that way and others around him have it way worse. Nonetheless, Regulus always asked a second time and if he didn’t get an answer he would just do something insignificant like kiss him on the cheek or call him with a silly pet name (James melts everytime) and that uses to be more than enough to cheer him up a bit.
“There you are, mon soleil. Feeling better?”
James nods, never taking his eyes off Regulus’. He feels the younger caressing his hair soothingly and leans towards him.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Regulus’ voice is gentle and James smiles softly, he has improved so much in the whole talking about emotions stuff. It’s always easier to talk about someone else’s feelings, that James knew by heart, but he was proud of Regulus anyway, he always is.
However, he doubts he wants to talk about it, he can’t just tell Regulus that he is jealous of him and Sirius stealing his parents attention like he is some five year old throwing a tantrum. That would be so unfair and would probably make Regulus disappointed, or worse, it could make him feel sad and push away from the love he deserves. And that’s the last thing James wants to happen, he doesn’t even know what he wants.
“You’re spiraling again, stop it”
James lets out a weak laugh, leave it to Regulus to order someone to just stop thinking and for that person to actually listen. (Or maybe it only worked with James, who knows?)
“Sorry. It’s okay, sweetheart”
The glare he received in response told him that it was in fact not okay.
“I’m here for you too. You can talk with me or I can go get your parents. Fuck, I can even go kick my brother’s ass up here if you want”
That last phrase makes James smile more widely, they are doing better.
“There is no need, love. Don’t worry”
Regulus frowns but doesn’t insist, he just gestures towards James’ bed.
“Wanna lay down with me?”
Maybe he shouldn’t be this touched when his partner is so gentle with him because in perspective, gentle love should be the norm instead of the exception. Even so, James is going to enjoy being so lucky in love and let his boyfriend cuddle him when he is feeling down, thank you very much.
A few minutes go on in silence and James knows that even if he doesn’t want to admit his feelings, he has to say it, especially after two persons have noticed something was wrong with him. Usually, he is quite good at hiding this kind of things, so his lack of ability to bury it down enough means it has to get out.
“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?”
“Yes, James, you can tell me your problems with any hypothetical situation you can come up with.”
His voice isn’t mean but James presses his finger against Regulus’ ribs anyway and gets a little jump and a killing glare in return.
“So, imagine that there is this handsome stag, alright?”
The unimpressed look on his lover’s face is completely expected by James, he is trying to communicate it this way so it seems less real. Sadly, the only way James can come up with to continue the story is “this dog and black cat arrive and start spending more time with his parents than him” or something among those lines which is too close to reality and sounds fucking stupid. Maybe that’s just because James is stupid and that’s why his feelings are too.
“You don’t have to share it if you don’t want to.”
James groans and hides his face on his lover’s chest.
“It’s so fucking dumb, I don’t even know why I’m even upset about it, I don’t want to.”
“I’m no therapist but I do know that what we want to feel and what we do feel are rarely on the same page. You can have thoughts you don’t like having and that doesn’t make you any less you nor does it make whatever it is in your head less important.”
“Since when are you so wise about feelings?”
He lifts his head just in time to see his partner pull a face of disgust.
“I don’t know, your company and your family are affecting me.”
James doesn’t think before correcting him, and even if he had, he would have done it anyway.
“Our, our family.”
Regulus looks away for a few seconds and James knows better than to push.
“Don’t change the topic, you idiot”
“I thought you said I didn’t have to talk”
“That doesn’t mean you can make it about me”
They look at each other as if fighting a battle with their eyes, James, as always, loses.
“It may have been being a bit harder to adjust than I expected, that’s all”
Regulus frowns, processings his words, and he looks quite confused at first and then he closes off and his eyes radiate sadness. This was not James’ goal at all!
“To us?”
Oh, fuck! Regulus thinks he is talking about their relationship? James moves quickly and sits up, taking his partner’s face gently with his hands.
“No, no! It has nothing to- It’s not that. You’re the love of my life, my little prince”
He gives him a quick kiss. He can’t say that it had nothing to do with him because that wasn’t entirely true. The nickname takes effect and Regulus blushes, he says he hates how childish it sounds but James knows he secretly loves it as much as he loved the book. (Which was a lot, mind you. He was rambling about it for days after Lily lended it to him and of course James got him his own copy after that)
“Then what do you mean?”
“I just… I mean… I am not used to not being an only child, I guess?”
He whispers it like it’s an embarrassing secret and this time he doesn’t meet Regulus’ eyes. His boyfriend stays silent for what feels like hours and James knows him well enough to be sure that he is recapitulating every day since they arrived here in his head. James feels guiltier every second.
“Are you mad?”
Of all the things he expected to hear (disappointment, anger, or being laughed at), that quiet voice and those words were the last thing on the list. Why on earth would James be mad?
“Of course not, love. Why would I be mad at you? This is only my stupid mind being childish”
Regulus shakes his head and takes a deep breath, but he doesn’t pull away looking for space so James keeps sitting next to him with his hands now on his.
“It’s not stupid or childish to feel bad if your parents start paying more attention to other kids all the time, what you feel is valid too. You have to let people know when you need something, and don’t say I’m being hypocrite cause I know and this is not about me. I’m sorry you felt left out because of us.”
This time, when a few tears escaped his eyes, James didn’t try to stop them.
“I do adore how much you have connected with them and you both deserve this, you know that, right?”
Because James couldn’t stand Regulus getting the wrong idea.
“We can tell Effie and let her handle the rest, and yes, by that I mean Sirius. He is dramatic as fuck.”
James nods cause his mom can fix anything and she will probably want to talk about what is bothering him soon anyway. Sirius won’t react badly, at least James hopes so, but Regulus is right and he will probably make a big deal out of it and James doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He will keep working through it tomorrow.