Poem - a creature of silver
You never cared much for poetry - never understood feeling the way I do - but feeling it is that I need you to understand now - (desperately)
Because feeing it is that separates us both - if nothing and everything else does- (and it does in my understanding until the end of time - but we are just that way aren’t we?)
Where you carry that necklace - where you tolerate the cool touch of metal against your throat and carry on with your day - grateful for the past - unworried about the future - but not really - just that much - (how will I ever understand that curious mind of yours?)
I carry metal the same way. Cool and sturdy and ethereal
- a caress. Yours. (Yours. Wherever I go - you go, by extension, by law)
-against my skin with reluctance.
It molded my body - created dips and hills - slight bends -
It never shaped you the way it did me. (Did it? I don’t think so- but I am doing too much thinking these days anyway)
Where you carry gold and a promise
I carry silver disguised in a precious metal suit. (The one you thought me the prettiest in - everyone thinks so these days - their gazes like ash on my skin)
Where you carry love I only carry loss. (And hope and everything in between)
Where you see benevolence and the sweet secrets exchanged on a summer night
All I see is the darkness staring back at me where once lay your body so close to mine it could have heated up the entire flat
Because that is cold now. It’s what you said. That you’re cold, once you stepped into those empty halls. (?!)
Of course it is.
You left. (.)
And so did the golden shine on the metal of that bracelet that was once mine. Yours. You, by extension. (You.)
Your watchful eyes in the dark -
I’ve never been afraid at night before. (I swung that bat like a promise of death most days anyway)
Now I am - now there is silver where once lay gold. (You once insisted it was gold that looked best on me - you won’t remember - I’ve never treasured another metal like that anyways)
You refused to wear history around your neck - yet I welcomed it to tear off my arm.
One of us has to wear the burden that was designed for two souls to store away in a coffin. (A box destined for oblivion)
We both refused and this is the bloody aftermath. (Bloody in the sense that blood flows)
You with gold around your neck. Me with silver biting into my every cell.
It tears me apart, yet it was a conscious choice. Just like you. Just like you have been the conscious choice to me all along.
I’m wearing you again - your changing colours -
Your unmatchable wit.
I carry you, in my sleep - late at night when the tears dry to salty river runs and a promise - yours - the one that I gave you - all those years ago -
Those months really.
It is timely to get aquainted with eternity this young it seems - it is all that I have left of you.
That and and your friendship. Your gentle gaze.
Fond.
Where the fire burns eternal holes into my very being.
I respect you, I do.
You did what I can’t. Won’t ever do.
You let go - you saved yourself.
I congratulate you. In that regard and every other.
I’ve never been captured like this before though - without any reason to walk free again. And it leaves me wondering-
I’ll wear your collar - the one you never placed around my throat. The one that was always there nevertheless. (An unconscious Choice )
You never intended to cage me - yet you did. (You will feel horrible to hear this - I know you do - without the intend - yet you tamed what others called darkness- they should congratulate you - would if they only could - if they could see)
You didn’t need a key. You never needed the collar in the first place.
You are the essence of changing metals - and I remain in that cage - too afraid to see the metal desintegrate - too afraid to watch it crumble and break.
I stay in that cage of fragile bone structure- hoping and praying it may stand for another night.
Because
Because
Because
(Repetition)
I know I can stand on my own - never needed anyone. I know I’ve been on my own my entire life (this is not a pity party - a plain truth. I don’t care for your pity - never did. The one I respected under all those teary glances - my equal. All along)
I know how the days look without you in them though.
I know what freedom means.
I know I crave it.
I know I don’t make sense.
Never have been fun that way. (They laugh at my jokes - never understand what’s laid beneath)
Yet it remains.
The changing silver. The fading gold.
You wear your necklace.
You opened that cage - left the cottage and came back after a few months - checked.
And that creature - the one with silver around its arm - it never left. Stayed resolutely at the Dias. It leaned into sunlight and watched the days fade. And when you came it clutched that ring tighter around its arm.
(You can never take it back now - not if you’d want - not if you would ever try - it’ll tear you apart)
That creature - the one in need of freedom. The one dying in captivity- the one that bends every moral.
It stayed.
And you came back.
And the sun never disappeared.
Tell me about collars. Tell me about fate. Tell me about toxic. Because it stayed.
And nothing felt ever this right. To it. Right then. To the creature demanding freedom, holding that ring tight to its arm, watching you from an afar - a ghost in so many ways you never had the guts to stay.
It’s the freedom we choose - the cages no one knows anything about. A cage can be a cage.
But in the end the creature itself will decide if its is a prisoner.
Ask it yourself. Man with a collar that he never takes off. That never burns - that was never designed to be a collar anyway - but still is in its very essence.
Tell me - are you a prisoner?