Chapter 4
Regulus is thirteen when he starts to hate skating. He finally competes in competitions that actually mean something, but it’s not fun.
The British Novice Championships are the first time Regulus hasn’t competed at his home rink. Despite his skill, his mother refused to let him compete until he turned thirteen. She claimed there were no events challenging enough for Regulus at his young age, so he had to wait until he qualified for the harder competitions.
Obviously, Regulus is ten times better than all of the other skaters at the competition. He wins gold with ease, ranking nearly fifteen points higher than the boy who won silver. He knows he should be proud of himself, but it just feels unfair.
“I’m too good for these competitions,” he tells his Mother as they exit the rink. “It’s not fair to the others who work so hard just to get beat by a thirteen year old who can do quads.”
”Patience, Regulus.” His mother says calmly. “You’ll work your way up. This is only the beginning. You need to compete as much as possible, so people know who you are and know your skills. There are scouts everywhere, looking for the best of the best.”
”I want to do something. I feel like I’m competing against toddlers. I need something harder!”
“You think you’re good enough for that?”
“Yes, I do. I know I’m good. You know I’m good. We both know I’m too good to not be competing against better people. I have a better shot at becoming well known if I compete against adults or something!”
Walburga makes a surprised sound. “You want to compete with adults?”
”Yes.”
A small smile sprouts on her face. “I’m sure I can make that happen.”
—
Walburga does, in fact, make it happen. He’s surrounded by people twice the size of him as he warms up on the rink. This competition is for skaters sixteen through twenty-one, but since his mother is his mother, he’s able to compete against them.
He skates past two boys, probably sixteen or seventeen, who lean into each other and whisper, laughing. Regulus isn’t stupid, he knows they’re laughing at him. He rolls his eyes and skates faster, looking for a space where he can land a jump he knows they can’t, just to scare them.
That’s exactly what he does. There’s a clearing at one of the rink, so he does what he does best: he skates. He knows he’s being cocky, but the look on everyone’s faces when he lands a quad axel is worth it. He continues to skate around casually, practicing a spin here and there. Energy bursts through his veins and he’s extremely antsy to start the competition.
Someone unfamiliar skates beside him. “Hey, you’re Regulus Black, right?”
“Yes,” he responds. “Who are you?”
”I’m Dorcas,” she says with a smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
”Yeah?”
”Mhm! I mean, you’re a thirteen year old competing in a sixteen and up competition. Some people think you’re in the wrong place and some people think your mom gave the event organizer a…special favor…to get you to compete.”
Regulus snorts and shakes his head. “My mother didn’t give anybody a blowjob. She did, however, pay a lot of money for me to be here.”
”You’re too young to know what that is,” Dorcas frowns.
Regulus shrugs. “I think thirteen is the age where most people figure out what a blowjob is.”
”God, that makes me feel old.”
”How old are you?”
“I just turned sixteen a few days ago.”
”Ah, well, happy late birthday,” he tells her.
She smiles and shakes her head. Her dark curls are pulled back into a tight bun and her eyes are a deep brown. Regulus thinks she’s beautiful. “Thanks. I’m not a big birthday person.”
”Me neither. I hate birthdays.”
“They’re the worst, right? I hate when people do the absolute most to celebrate it. Like, you want to celebrate being a year closer to death by going out and getting drunk and shortening your lifespan even more? It’s ridiculous.”
Regulus fully laughs at Dorcas’ rant and she looks at him for a second before breaking out into laughter. They skate side by side until the competition finally starts. She winks at him as they go their separate ways off the ice.
Regulus approaches his mother, who looks angry. “There are no friends in ice skating, Regulus. You know this.”
”She’s nice to me,” Regulus responds, not looking at her. “She isn’t going to sabotage me by saying hello.”
”She’s going to distract you.”
”Why would she distract me?”
”A pretty, older girl like her is bad news, Regulus. We don’t need girls distracting you from being an Olympic champion.”
Regulus opens his mouth to speak, but the song for the first skater starts, so Regulus shuts his mouth. He has no interest in Dorcas like that. Speaking to her for five minutes doesn’t automatically mean he likes her. Even more so because of the fact Regulus isn’t sure he even likes girls.
When his time comes to perform his routine, he spots Dorcas in the crowd. She smiles and gives him two thumbs up, which he returns.
His performance goes fine. Well, he knows it’s really good but he doesn’t feel really good. He forces himself through every spin and jump, none of it feeling natural. He’s mastered the art of pretending. To everyone watching, he looks peaceful and calm, unbothered by the amount of eyes on him. In reality, his mind is racing at a thousand miles per second. He tells himself to not mess up, to do better, be more precise, look like you’re enjoying what you’re doing.
In the end, he wins gold in the men’s section. Dorcas wins gold in the women’s, and she cheers him on when his name is announced. The two boys who whispered about him at the beginning placed silver and bronze, and they glare at him as he steps up to the podium. He doesn’t feel good. He doesn’t feel proud.
Regulus goes home and sleeps for the rest of the day. He’s not even tired, he just doesn’t want to think anymore. His mother gives him a day off, so he spends it rereading Interview with The Vampire. Sirius tries to talk to him, but he tells him to go away and doesn’t respond to any of Sirius’ knocks on his door.
At school the next day, everyone congratulates him on his victory. People he’s never spoken to before come up to him and pat him on the back as if they’re best friends. It all feels extremely artificial. Regulus shouldn’t have competed in that event. He broke the record and gets applauded for it. It feels wrong to Regulus.
When he confides in his mother in the car home, she tells him “morals ruin success.” And claims that in order to get anywhere in life, you have to break the rules and hurt the people you love. Regulus wonders how many people she’s hurt to get to where she is now. To live the luxurious yet miserable life his family claims they enjoy.
He never sees Dorcas again. He isolates himself completely from Sirius and thinks about nothing but skating.
—
Regulus is fourteen when Walburga pulls him out of public school and hires a private teacher. Regulus is fourteen when Sirius runs away.
It’s almost two in the morning when a knock on his door pulls Regulus out of his trance. He wasn’t sleeping, but staring at a spot on his wall until his eyes burned. He crawls out of bed and opens the door.
His brother’s voice is urgent and pleading. “Regulus, come with me.”
”What?” He asks. It’s dark, and all he can see is Sirius’ silhouette. There’s a suitcase at his feet and a bag on his back.
”I’m leaving,” he whispers. “Come with me, please.”
”What do you mean you’re leaving?”
”I’m running away, Regulus. I’m getting out of here. I have to leave.”
Regulus’ heart drops to his stomach. He feels sick. “You can’t.”
Sirius exhales an exasperated laugh. “I can’t live like this anymore.”
”Live like what?” He questions. He doesn’t understand. “I know they’re harsh but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.”
”Harsh is a severe understatement, Regulus,” he says angrily. “You don’t understand.”
”No, I don’t,” Regulus agrees. “So why are you leaving?”
Sirius almost stops breathing. They stand in front of each other silently for a minute. When Sirius opens his mouth to speak, Regulus isn’t ready.
”They wait until you’re asleep.”
”What?”
“They wait until you’re sleeping to hit me. When you and mother are gone, father is evil. They’re evil, Regulus.”
”I don’t understand…” Regulus whispers. He might throw up.
”They take their anger out on me because they can’t with you. It’d be too obvious. They let me play hockey because they knew I could disguise the bruises as rough landings at practice.”
Oh my god, Regulus thinks. Is he hearing this right?
”They hit you?”
”Yes. And if you don’t leave with me, they’re going to do it to you.”
”I don’t believe you,” Regulus tells him. He knows it’s true, but he can’t bring himself to accept it. If Regulus didn’t skate, they’d do the same thing him they do to Sirius. He’s heard it before. At night, when they think he’s sleeping, he hears Sirius’ door open and click shut. Sirius never cries.
Without a word, Sirius takes off his sweater. Even in the dark, Regulus can see a large, purple bruise on his ribs. He can’t imagine how bad it looks in the light. Regulus finds himself at a loss for words. His next steps should be obvious. He should pack his bags and leave with Sirius. They’d probably end up at James’ house. They would be safe together.
Instead, Regulus stays. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, before stepping back and shutting his bedroom door.
”Regulus,” his brother begs from the other side. “Please, it’s not safe here. You’re going to get hurt.”
Regulus doesn’t respond. He takes another step back.
”Regulus, please. You’re going to die here.”
Another step back. Sirius is probably right. If not by his parent’s hands, it’ll be by his own.
“Regulus…” Sirius whispers. Regulus imagines what he looks like on the other side. He sounds like he’s crying, tears streaming down his face. His hand is probably on the door, reaching out for Regulus.
When it goes silent, Regulus crawls into bed and forces himself to sleep. He wakes up to his parents screaming at each other. He goes back to sleep. When he wakes up for the second time, he tiptoes downstairs and sees his parents at the dining room table. His father has his head in his hands, breathing heavily. His mother sits across from him, looking out of the window with her jaw clenched.
When they notice Regulus’ presence, they seem to get angrier.
“Did you know about this?” His father asks, his chest heaving. Regulus can almost see smoke coming out of his nose.
He has to lie. ”No,” he responds quickly. He can’t tell them he saw the massive bruise on his brother’s chest and did nothing about it. He can’t tell them Sirius tried to get him to leave with him, begged him to leave with him, and he locked himself in his room and let him leave.
“He’s lying.” His mother says from across the room.
“I’m not,” Regulus argues. He’s never been very good at lying, and his mother is very good at reading people.
“Show him.” She tells Orion, nodding her head.
The man sighs and slides a piece of paper along the table. He turns his head like he can’t stand to look at the note. Regulus steps forward and takes the folded paper in his hands. He unfolds it and reads.
To whoever reads it,
For sixteen years I let myself get beaten and bruised for the mere possibility of finally being loved. I convinced myself that one day, the pain would stop, and you would love me. I’m a world-class idiot for thinking either of you were capable of love.
Walburga, I know there’s something more than evil in your heart. You’re just too afraid to admit the fact that you’re not as evil as people think. In doing so, you ended up making yourself truly evil. I believed in you once, a long, long time ago. Now I know you’re just as bad as the rest of them.
Orion, go fuck yourself. I pray every night that someone will do to you what you did to me. You deserve to burn in Hell forever.
Regulus. My sweet, baby brother. You are incredibly foolish. I meant when I said last night. I hope you understand before it gets bad. I’ll come back for you soon, I promise.
A tear falls from Regulus’ eye and hits the paper. He looks up at his parents who are both watching him.
”I don’t…”
”Save it, Regulus,” his father snaps, his voice dark and demanding.
Regulus swallows hard. He knows he should stop talking. “Is it true? Was he right?”
Walburga flinches, her body tensing up. “What?”
”He showed me.” Regulus admits. There’s no turning back now. “The bruise on his ribs. Did you did that?”
He sees his father squeeze his hands into fists. His mother’s body is still tense.
”You did that to him, and played it off like he got it from hockey. You don’t get bruises like that from playing hockey with a bunch of teenage boys.” He turns to face his father. “You did that to him, didn’t you?”
Orion stands up. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his mother sit up straighter and almost stand up. But she doesn’t.
”Answer me.” Regulus demands, glaring at his father.
“Watch it, boy,” he mutters, blinking once.
“You beat the shit out of your son, and tell me to fucking ‘watch it?’ This is such bullshit.”
He turns to walk away but a large hand closing over his arm yanks him back. He yelps and tries to pull away, but his father’s grip is strong.
“Who do you think you’re talking to, Regulus?” His father questions, hot breath blowing in his face.
”My shit excuse for a father,” is how Regulus responds.
There’s a sharp crack and Regulus crumples to the floor. His cheek burns and when he reaches his hand up to his face, he realizes his father smacked him in the face. He looks up to see his father standing over him, hands balled into fists, and his mother standing next to him. The look on her face is unreadable.
“You have no right to speak to me that way.” Orion tells him, taking a step toward him. Regulus scrambles backwards with hands, knocking into the wall.
Regulus tries to speak. He tries to say ‘you have no right to hit your children’ but he can’t. His cheek burns and there are tears rolling down his face.
Orion says nothing else. He turns around and walks away. Walburga stays, staring down at her son.
“Mother…” Regulus whispers shakily.
“You’ll get used to it,” she tells him. She turns to follow in her husband footsteps. Before she disappears, she cranes her neck to look at him.
”I envy your brother’s courage.” And she disappears.
Regulus vomits in the bathroom sink. He replays reading Sirius’ note, and how he was completely right and Regulus didn’t want to believe him. Now he’s facing the consequences, and he knows it’s just going to get worse. Regulus wishes he knew where Sirius was. He’s probably at James’, but Regulus has no idea where he lives. He has no one to go to. No friends, no family, nobody. If this is how miserable he feels already, he can’t imagine how he’ll feel in a week. In a month. In a year. Will he even make it that far? Will he ever make it out of this house?
Regulus dreams of Sirius. He dreams of a big, warm house filled with laughter and love. There’s a garden in the backyard, trees surround them, and they watch wildlife frolic in the grass while drinking tea on their back porch. They’re happy, and in love with people who don’t make them feel ashamed of being alive. They have friends who come over every Friday and they cook dinner and watch movies until they all fall asleep in the living room.
Regulus wakes up smiling. When he remembers where he is, the reality of the life he’s living, his smile fades. He’ll dream of that life forever.