Like most days, Remus was unable to sleep. Instead he stared at the crack in his curtains where the moonlight seeped through, pouring out onto the foot of his bed. He really ought to have gotten some sleep considering the woefully long journey he’d have to take to arrive at Hogwarts. Then again, it was Hogwarts. Remus could never have imagined even going to a school in the first place, not after being homeschooled all his life and especially not after ripping his skin out for over half of it. Hogwarts turned into an unfeasible idea, but it never stopped Remus from thinking about it. Though now, he’d no longer have to imagine.
Delirium wasn’t the only thing keeping him awake however. His parents wouldn’t stop arguing - it had been going on for days now, about Remus of course, and every time their voices rose it put him on edge. He’d secretly been rooting for his mother, despite having no knowledge as to what exactly they were fighting about at this given moment. She always knew what was best for him. And his father? He didn’t like to think about his father too much.
His parents didn’t fight much, though every time they did, Remus seemed to realise it was almost always about him. He was a huge problem, that was undeniable. Did it hurt? Of course it hurt, he was still human. Even if people thought he wasn’t completely. And tonight, Remus had no doubt that they were still arguing, although to his disadvantage, they seemed to catch on with the fact that he could listen in and began to cast silencing charms when the feuds would get too intense. To the boy’s frustration, they didn’t realise this only increased the anxious feeling that already sat in the pit of his stomach. The only thing he could do was stare at the dim light of the moon and think. Think. Thinkthinkthink.
-
Sirius felt bittersweet about leaving. Irrefutably, anyone would be grateful to escape the hell of a ‘home’ that was the House of Black. An agonising 11 years of being relentlessly watched, being required to meet the expectations of the Sacred 28, all the pressure of being the Heir of the Black family meant that a change of scenery would be a blessing, and to Sirius, it was a lifeline. He wasn’t born for this sort of stuff. It may have been in his blood but it certainly wasn’t in his heart.
Despite all of this, he couldn’t stop thinking about Regulus. Sirius always felt as if Regulus was his responsibility, blatantly ignoring just the year of a difference between them. If Regulus was in trouble, he’d make a bigger scene to divert the attention. If Regulus was deemed too soft, Sirius would step up. It wasn’t as if he was seeking attention or fishing up punishments, he just needed to protect his little brother. And soon enough, it became as more of an instinct as blinking or scratching an itch. It was just something he had to do and he never once questioned it.
Sirius always did have a bit of a rebellion in him. He never did anything too drastic, Merlin knows what might’ve happened to him if he did, but he always knew he didn’t have the demeanour that the rest of the family shared. He could maintain his posture, talk highly of the rest of the purebloods, dress in robes, kill all of his feelings and slide a mask on. It was simple. But it was never right to him and he could feel something in him having the desperate need to push out like a new layer of skin, the old one shriveled and waiting to be broken. Maybe Hogwarts would change him. Perhaps it would go exactly the way his parents wanted to. Or maybe it would go the way he wanted it to go.
“Sirius. Sirius!”
The boy cracked his eyes open to see his younger brother stood awkwardly at the end of his bed.
“Hey Reggie,” he whispered, sitting up. “Did you really have to wake me up, like, now?”
“Sorry,” the younger boy mumbled, slipping under the covers beside his brother. “I just.. wanted to say goodbye. A proper goodbye. Since I won’t really get the chance tomorrow if mother’s watching us.”
Sirius smiled in the thick darkness. “Thanks Reg.”
The two sat in a comfortable silence for some time before Regulus broke it.
“You will write, won’t you?”
Sirius sighed. “Who do you think I am? ‘Course I will. What? Will you miss meeee?”
“What?! No! It’s not like you’re going forever! I’ll be there in a year anyway.”
“Enjoy the last year of homeschooling until then.” Alone with mother.
A small silence. Rather painful, actually.
“Reg, if anything happens, you’ll tell me, right?”
Sirius could distinctly see the boy hesitate before nodding wordlessly in the dark of the room.
“So, after you end up in Slytherin, what are you going to do?” Regulus asked, attempting to change the subject. Sirius scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
“I’m not sure if I’m going to be in Slytherin.”
Regulus scoffed. “Of course you’re going to be in Slytherin, everyone’s been in Slytherin for what, 500 years now?”
“More like 5,000.”
“And what, you’ll just break tradition?”
“I don’t know, Reg, it just doesn’t seem right for me.”
“Alright, say you don’t end up in Slytherin, which I think is a really stupid thought, which house do you want to go to?”
“Hm.. not Hufflepuff I guess, just seems too boring.”
“Too boring for your dramatic arse.”
“Hey! Where did you even hear that word?”
“Heard Aunt Druella calling Uncle Alph one.” Sirius grinned at that. “Suppose the only other option is Gryffindor,” Regulus continued.
“Why not Ravenclaw?”
“Do you have the brains for that?”
“I bet I’m smarter than half the lot in there. But I don’t want to be a swot.”
“So Gryffindor it is then?”
“I mean, it’s not half bad.”
“Sirius, fantasies aside, you do know mother and father will probably disown you if you’re not in Slytherin. Just be careful. They wouldn’t exactly be proud of you if you broke a tradition that’s been running through our blood for centuries.”
“Can we not talk about our parents for once? And it was just a thought. Now can I sleep? It’s an eight hour journey from King’s Cross to Scotland and I can’t sleep on the train.”
Sighing in exasperation, Regulus slid out of the covers and made his way over to the door, glancing back at Sirius before heading over to the other side of it.
A few hours later, Sirius found himself blinking awake to the unpleasant sound of Walburga shrieking at him at an ungodly hour as he sat up, a giddiness slowly rising in his chest and he began to shake from cold and excitement.
“For Salazar’s sake, Sirius, get into your robes! Don’t think we’re going to show up anywhere without being presentable, especially not you! Black heir, Sirius, don’t you forget.”
How could he forget? It was as if he wasn’t reminded every other day. And today was no different. Every day in his life was no different. Why did he allow himself to think otherwise?
Sirius rubbed his eyes vigorously as they got used to the light before picking up the robes that sat at the foot of his bed. He changed almost instantly, stepping in front of the foot-long mirror after brushing out the slight wrinkle on his left sleeve. As he stared at himself, he couldn’t help but smile. For the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful.
-
Despite the giddiness of the drive to King’s Cross, Remus felt his eyelids fall over his eyes, ears tuning out to any noise around him. The moon was only a week away and yet he was utterly exhausted. Other than the lack of sleep he’d gotten the night before, his joints began to ache, muscles began to cramp and something was hammering relentlessly at his skull. He didn’t want to know how he’d be feeling during the full moon if he already felt half dead. Soon enough, however, his eyes fluttered open, something which hadn’t escaped his mother’s notice.
“Okay Remus bach?”
Remus nodded wordlessly, accepting the bottle of water his mother offered him and feeling the coldness of it sliding down his sore and tensed throat.
“Need anything? Feeling cold? Hungry? We could stop by the station, there’s one nearby.”
“No need, Mam, m’fine.”
“Don’t you tell me you need anything later, this is your only chance, got it?” Lyall called in a harsh voice, receiving a stern glare from Hope in response.
Though his mother continuously fussed over him, his father seemed to be a lot less intense. Remus was grateful for this sometimes, though at other times he couldn’t tell if it was just because he didn’t care at all. His father had a temper and he wasn’t ever hesitant to take out his feelings on Remus if he needed to. Hope didn’t support this, though there wasn’t much she could do to change anything, and unfortunately, Remus had quite the temper too. The young boy always wondered how his mother lived with two others simply brimming with rage. The unfortunate Lupin genetics, he supposed.
And Remus couldn’t stop thinking about Hogwarts, and all the people. How could he fit in and be normal? Remus hardly knew normal, having barely socialised at all. It wasn’t normal to have your past literally written on your skin, no matter how he got them. He was his own enemy, the scratches and gashes were there to prove it, even if he could barely recall anything from any full moon. And the bruises? He didn’t like to think about the bruises too much. Because the different thing about his bruises was that Remus could remember how he got them. Even if the injuries themselves disappeared, the memories never did. And it hurt to remember. Maybe kids would look at him weird if he ever told anyone. But that was normal to him, and he couldn’t do anything about it. It was the one thing he allowed himself to be angry at someone else for, though it took a long time for him to even do that.
An hour later, the small family stood on the platform, tightly bunched against a wall as hundreds of families came through. Numerous mothers could be seen fussing over their children, ensuring they had everything and that their uniforms were neat and precise. Remus even spotted a few shedding tears, hugging their parents as if it were their last day on earth. He silently questioned the amounts of other half bloods that would be around - majority of people appeared to be part of the sacred twenty eight.
“Mum, you don’t think they’d do anything because I'm not a…proper witch, do you?”
Remus gaped at a girl with black curls and chocolate skin staring into her mother’s eyes innocently. Her mother gently tapped her daughter’s cheek and pulled her to her chest. “You’re just as much of a witch as they are, baby. You don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, Mary, you hear me?”
The girl nodded as she tightly embraced her mother again.
Remus began to feel slightly dizzy with all the commotion and bustling around him, feeling several people shove past him as they brushed his shoulders. He felt the bones in his arms ache as if they were raw. A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder, grounding him.
“Come on, cariad, we’ll find a place with less noise, okay?”
Remus nodded and allowed his mother to guide him past the constant flow of people rushing by. As his head still spun, he felt himself clash into a taller figure.
“Sorry! Sorry...” he muttered quietly, not loud enough for the other to hear. He looked up to find a sharp woman glaring back at him, black hair pulled back into a tight bun and her jawline prominent. Two boys followed her, sharing similar features, one of them wearing robes not unlike his own. Before he could do anything else, Remus felt his mother squeeze his hand from in front of him as he quickly continued to follow her.
_____
Sirius watched as a skinny boy bumped into them, receiving a stern glare from Walburga Black. The boy was led away by his own mother, eyes unfocused as his hazel eyes took in Sirius and soon he was out of eyeshot. Sirius stopped for a second as his head turned to see the back of the boy until his mother grabbed his arm and pulled at it.
“No dawdling, Sirius,” She snarled. “Back straight, look forward, you know this.” She pulled Sirius and Regulus to the side, away from others but in sight enough to make sure their presence was known.
“Now, where on earth are your cousins? I told Cygnus to be here on the dot! Can’t I trust that man with anything? Suppose not, from the way Andromeda turned out…”
“Mum, I—”
“Sirius, I know you took a liking to your older cousin, but you must promise me you won’t—“
“Mum,” Regulus tried, “Uncle Cygnus is over there.” The younger’s finger led over to a family walking in a similar fashion. Beside the pale girl with defined black curls and slightly wide eyes walked a blonde with greyish streaks in her hair who smiled once her eyes found the three, motioning her father and mother to look in their direction.
“Walburga,” A deeper voice greeted as he approached, the two families intertwining.
“Cygnus, Druella.” Walburga nodded at the two as they reciprocated.
“Orion couldn’t join us to bid his own children farewell?”
Walburga slipped them a grim look before replying. “He had to attend business regarding…” she glanced at the children surrounding her. “…things. He wished all the children the best for the academic year ahead.”
The blonde emerged from behind her parents, approaching the younger sibling of the two. “Regulus,” she nodded, smiling slightly, though her eyes reflected the joy she felt inside. Her head turned to the older, her smile remaining. “Sirius.”
“Ciss— Narcissa,” Regulus corrected himself, unable to prevent the wide smile that spread on his face. Neither Sirius nor Regulus had been able to see their cousins since Andromeda’s name had been scorched off the wall. “We are not to be embarrassed for the actions of our relatives,” Walburga constantly reminded, as if she were trying to convince herself along with them. Narcissa looked back, ensuring the adults were immersed in conversation.
“I missed you,” she confessed as she took Regulus’ hand and squeezed it. “You too, Sirius.” She looked around before continuing. “I’ve been able to find a way to talk to Andy. She’s with her muggle boyfriend, but she’s safe.”
“Do you think I can talk to her?” Sirius asked hopefully.
“Come and find me once we arrive, I’ll tell you more.” The girl looked back at Regulus. “I’ll write more this year. Maybe we could convince your mother to let you meet me at Hogsmeade!”
Regulus looked down. “I doubt she will. She said I haven’t been—”
“Cissy!”
The blonde flinched as the girl with wild black curls grinned at her reaction.
“Bella, don’t do that!”
“You always flinch Cissy, when are you gonna get me back?”
Narcissa looked at her disapprovingly. “I’d rather not.”
“You’d rather not? Or Andy wouldn’t want you to? Oh, my sister, you need to get over her. She’s no longer a part of our family.”
“Bellatrix, not here ,” Druella hissed into her ear and she grabbed her arm, her daughter rolling her eyes at her.
Sirius sighed inwardly as he and Regulus shared a look. Thank God he was going to be away from these people that were supposedly ‘family’ only in a matter of minutes. If only he could take his little brother with him…
-
Remus heard as the announcement blared throughout the station as his mother pulled her son to her chest, holding him just tight enough.
“Make sure to tell me everything. And don’t be too hard on yourself, I know you are, alright? All the professors there are aware, they’ll take care of you. And you tell them if anything happens, okay Remus?”
“Yes, Mum, I know, you don’t have to keep worrying!”
“I can’t help it, bach, you know this.” The older woman’s eyes watered lightly. Remus turned to his father who held a small smile on his face.
“You take care of yourself Remus, okay? I’m sure you’ll do the Lupin name proud,” His father assured, patting his back softly. Remus smiled back. “Thanks Dad.”
Hope pulled him in one last time, pressing a kiss onto his soft head of hair before reluctantly letting her son go, feeling her husbands rough hands grip onto her own as Remus blended into the crowd and gave a final wave before boarding the train.