“Siri?” The voice seemed to come through water and Sirius squeezed his eyes shut tighter. It didn't make sense, nothing made sense. It's so dark, why is it dark?
“Sirius, baby. Can you hear me?” Baby. Someone called him baby, someone important. Who was it?
“I need to know you can hear me.” That voice… Remus. It was Remus’s voice, his boyfriend. That's who called him baby.
“Baby if you can't hear me then I'll have to go get Pomfrey. Can you just nod your head if you can hear me?” Painfully he nodded, suddenly aware of his throbbing head. He went to press his hands against his forehead but his wrists were being held firmly.
“No, baby you can't do that.” He whined and pulled harder in an attempt to free his hands.
“Siri, I don't want you to go back to hitting yourself. I'm sorry but I can't let go.” Hitting, he'd been hitting himself. That's why his head hurt. Slowly he forced his eyes open and saw Remus, sitting on the bed with him.
“Hi baby.” He smiled warmly. “You back with me?” He nodded and tried to pull his hands away but Remus didn't let go, brows still creased in concern.
“Can I hold your hands for a few more minutes until you're more here please? I don't want you to hit yourself.” Sirius nodded again.
“Do you know where you are?” Sirius glanced around at the empty dorm, then nodded again.
“Do you remember what happened?” He hesitated for a moment but shook his head. “Are you sure?” He shook his head again.
“Can you talk again or are you not ready yet?” Sirius chewed his lip. “It's okay if you're not ready yet, you don't have to.”
“I can talk.” His voice was hoarse and he winced at how bad it sounded.
“Okay baby. Do you need anything?” He shook his head, then hesitated.
“A hug?” Remus finally released his wrists and pulled him into a hug. Sirius melted into the embrace, leaning against his chest for support. Selfish, a small part in the back of his mind said. He was selfish for pushing his problems on Remus, selfish for relying on him so much. Pulling away quickly he pressed his hands over his ears, trying in vain to block out the voice.
“No, baby, you can't be doing that. Remember your hands need to stay away from your head.” Remus gently pulled his hands away from his head and placed them in his lap. Selfish, so selfish.
“Loud.” He let out a soft whimper and Remus’s face went from gentle concern, to confusion.
“What's loud?” Stop talking, stop burdening him. A half sob escaped from his lips and he stood, uncertain for half a second, then ran into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him.
Remus was at the door, begging him to let him in, let him help but Sirius just crumpled to the ground and sobbed.
- - -
It had been several hours, he had heard James and Peter arrive, Remus briefly explain why he was camped outside the bathroom door, then them leave again, before returning to go to bed.
It was probably past any sane person's bedtime before Sirius emerged. James's and Peter's curtains were closed but Remus was leaned up against the wall next to the door, looking up at him. He went to walk towards his bunk but Remus stopped him.
“Siri.” He struggled to his feet and gently lead Sirius to his own bunk. There was silence for a moment until Sirius blurted.
“I'm sorry, it's not fair of me to be making you do all this, I-” Remus cut him off looking horrified.
“No, baby, no you're not making me do anything. Merlin, is that was this is about?” Tears stinging in his eyes Sirius nodded.
“Baby, no. Oh come here.” He pulled him onto his lap and held him tightly. “Siri, you don't need to feel bad about me… about me taking care of you. I want to help.” He let out a choked sob and pressed his face against Remus’s shoulder to hide tears.
“I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to-”
“Hey, hey I don't want to hear that. I'm choosing to help you because I care, and because I want to.” Remus pressed a kiss to his hair. “How about we go to bed and talk about this in the morning?” Sirius hesitated. “I can get you a jumper and we can cuddle.”
“I don't want you to have to do all that for me.” Remus leaned back a fraction so he could see Sirius’s face as he scolded gently.
“Hey, what did I just say? I don't want to hear that kind of talk.” His voice softened. “Please can you let me take care of you?” After a pause Sirius nodded and Remus let out a relieved sigh. “Alright, you sit here for a second and I'll get you a jumper, alright?”
“Okay.” Sirius slid off his lap and Remus walked over to his trunk, riffling through it for a moment before finding a jumper. He held it out to Sirius to accepted it quickly and pulled it over his head. Remus slid into bed and held out his arms.
“Comere.” Sirius almost fell on top of him, eliciting a small chuckle, and settled on his chest. Remus wrapped his arms around him and he closed his eyes, enjoying the warm embrace.
“Siri?” He hummed softly in response. “I want you to know I love you and that I'm always going to be here when you need me. And no matter what you may think you'll never be a burden.” A few stray tears slipped out.
“I love you too.” He sniffled. “I'm sorry I-”
“You don't need to apologize.”
“Can I please? Just to make me feel better?” Remus sighed but didn't object. “I'm sorry that I ran away earlier. And I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you before. I'm trying my best.”
“I know you are. And if it makes you feel better, even though I don't think you need to be sorry, I accept your apology.”