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James stared down at his phone. He waited a beat, flipped it over, sat back with a huff, and turned his focus to the reading on his computer. 20 pages. He could read twenty pages without checking his phone. It would buzz if he got a text, he knew that.
He flipped it over again. Nothing.
Scrubbing his hands over his face, he let out a long sigh. There was a vast sense of emptiness inside him, like someone had carefully carved out his internal organs and replaced them all with air.
Wasn’t college supposed to be fun? The best four years of his life? That was what everyone told him, anyways. Even his friends, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, that were also in school, seemed to be walking representations of that. They agreed to send comprehensive weekly updates in their group chat before they all went their separate ways, complete with photos and stories. Each week, all of James’s friends had tons of images of them at parties, of their new friends, of them in the library, of an event they attended. James was lucky if he could scrounge up a handful of photos and think of one interesting story from his week. They laughed it off, joked that James was too unplugged, too in the moment, and they moved on.
The truth was, he really was not. Most of his free time was spent scrolling through old photos from before they all went away, when things were still good. When he did spend time with his new friends he would be struck by a deep, aching loneliness and longing. They would never understand him the way Sirius, Remus, and Peter could. They weren’t there when he failed his first test, when he got his license – they didn’t even know his friends. James didn’t understand how he could possibly bridge that gap. How he could form a real connection with someone that couldn’t possibly see him for all that he was.
The worst of it, though, was Regulus.
Everyone joked about it – that James was leaving Regulus behind. They said Regulus would be pining away at home, waiting for James to call. Sirius was constantly texting James to ask if he was talking to Regulus enough, scared that his little brother would fall into a depression with so much of his support system away at school. Regulus’s friends would send James pictures sometimes, moments where Regulus was zoning out, or wearing James’s clothes. It was always paired with a teasing comment about their friend, something like he’s so pathetic, or come back and visit soon, he’s experiencing withdrawals. It seemed to be an established fact that Regulus would be missing James more.
It wasn’t true.
James ached with it. It was unrelenting, all consuming. Regulus was busy with his senior year: six hours of school a day, applying to colleges, being part of about a million clubs, piano lessons, a new internship that James didn’t fully understand, studying, seeing his friends. His life had purpose, had color. James? He couldn’t say the same about himself. He was busy, sure, but not nearly as much as he was at home. He was only taking four classes, and all of them were intro level, and involved little to no effort beyond showing up. He was playing football, but only recreationally, and he was barely showing up to that anyways. Beyond that? His days were empty. It left neverending swathes of time for him to think about how much he missed his boyfriend.
Still no notifications.
Though it took a while, and he had to shut his phone in the other room, he eventually got his reading done and promptly put a movie on to distract himself. It was halfway done – though he wasn’t following it, really, because in the first five minutes there was a background character that looked a bit like Regulus, and it sent James’s thoughts swirling with thoughts of him – when his housemate pushed the door open, blinking at James, unimpressed.
“Are you moping again?”
James shrugged, too beaten down to attempt a lie. “Probably,” he admitted.
“What are we gonna do with you, James,” she tsked. “This is a very sad way to live, you know that, right?”
James liked his housemate, another freshman named Marlene. She was a tall blonde with a shaggy haircut, possibly more muscular than James due to her spot on the rugby team, and she was possibly the most blunt person he had ever met. Her and James got along quickly, despite nearly starting off on the wrong foot when she found out James played sports.
“Football?” She’d asked, wrinkling her nose in very apparent disgust. James had laughed awkwardly, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head as he nodded. “That’s…interesting. Are you playing on the team here?”
“No, I’m just playing for fun on weekends.”
“Should I expect our place to be a frequent host for a bunch of meatheads?”
“Um…no? I don’t – I’ve not been friends with that type of guy, typically.”
“Hm.” She paused, considering. “Really? And you played football?”
He nodded again. “Yeah. My friends from home are – well, the opposite of what you’re thinking, really.”
She let out a snort laugh at that. “Sure they were. Just – don’t be gross, is all I ask. And if anyone that has an aggressively muscular neck is going to be coming over please let me know so I can make myself scarce.” Her comment was paired with what James thought was supposed to be a smile, and she turned on a heel to retreat to her room. James, unable to accept possible conflict, had interrupted her escape.
“Aren’t you also an athlete?”
“Yes,” she said with a nod, turning slowly to face James, revealing a small smirk. “But, it’s gay when girls do it.”
“Oh. You – I’m not – I have a boyfriend, you know?”
That made her pause. She tilted her head, looked at James with more attention. “You do?”
“I do.”
“Well, that changes things.”
She grinned, and James grinned back, and that was that.
Now, though, she was standing before James with her arms crossed, deliberately blocking the TV. He waited, knowing there was something she was getting to.
“We’re going out tonight,” she said, and when James opened his mouth to protest, she held up a single hand and interrupted before he could begin, “ – before you say anything, consider not, because I’m not giving you a choice. You need to stop being a loser, and I have a future girlfriend to make fall in love with me. You have to be my wingman. Lesbians love you.”
James sighed, his resolve loosening at the reference to Dorcas, the girl Marlene had been attempting to court for nearly a month. Dorcas was hellbent on pretending she hated Marlene, but James could see right through it. He was well versed in the behaviors of aloof, moody, sometimes mean people with a secret soft spot for extroverted athletes that meant well, but often put their foot in their mouth. He had been dating one for nearly two years, afterall.
“Fine,” he sighed eventually, not wanting Marlene’s request to escalate to begging. They both went to their rooms to get ready, and soon they were maneuvering through the sweaty crowd of a run-down but well-loved bar on campus, packed with mostly other students. It wasn’t the most popular bar at their school, but it was still well attended on a Friday night. James tried not to let the crowd overwhelm him. It was in moments like these, when he was surrounded by others making the most of their college experience, that he tended to feel a fist around his heart. Not quite squeezing yet, but there nonetheless.
It helped that Marlene was just a few steps ahead of him, dragging him with a bit too much force, though he knew it was just the anticipation. As tough as she seemed, James knew that she really liked Dorcas. He was happy for her, truly. Hopeful and excited for her spot on the precipice they were dancing upon. It would be a lie, though, to say it didn’t also hurt to see the beginnings of something he was forced to leave behind. He shoved those thoughts away as they arrived at the bar and ordered their drinks, refused to give in to the urge to check his phone, which he knew would still be empty.
It was easy enough to let the thoughts of his boyfriend fade into the background with Marlene. She was chatty when she was nervous, talking even more than she normally did, which was a lot, and maintaining his end the conversation took enough effort for his own longing to abate. Before long, they spotted Dorcas entering the bar, flanked on either side by Lily and Mary, her two best friends. James gave Marlene a quick pep talk that resembled those that each of them were used to getting before an important match, and then called the group over to their table.
An hour later, their table was a bit more crowded, with chairs pulled from other areas and jammed into free spaces. James knew some of the people he was surrounded by, though most were unfamiliar, and he sat back as the conversation shifted to something he wasn’t involved in. Now that his mind wasn’t working to be part of the group, he was suddenly aware of the haziness of the world around him. His vision was blurrier than it normally would be, even with his glasses on, and the world was shifting in a way that told him he was a push beyond tipsy. He let it wash over him, enjoying the hum of conversation around him, the bass that he could feel in his shoes, the warmth of the bodies on either side of him. It was nice, he decided, being out. He was, if not happy, then content, at least. Marlene and Dorcas had gone to get another round of drinks some time ago, and a quick glance told him that they were sitting together at the bar, their heads ducked close together, presumably to hear each other over the music.
It was their display, their blossoming connection, that had James fishing his phone out of his pocket. Surely he would have a text; it had been hours, and Regulus always got back to him eventually, even if it was just a short message to tell James that he was having a busy day to explain his lack of response.
He had notifications this time, but a quick skim was enough for him to know that none of them were from Regulus. James’s text was still sat at the bottom of their chat, his question unanswered. With a frown, James stared at Regulus’s contact photo, and the ache was back with full force. In a feeble attempt at keeping the sadness at bay, he switched over to the group chat with his friends. Sirius was also out, which meant there was a spam of poorly spelled declarations of his love for all of them. Sure enough, James also had a personalized message waiting for him in his chat with Sirius, and he fumbled out a reply, needing something – reassurance, validation, love, he wasn’t sure.
Sirius
JAMES
I love u a lottttt
And i misds u
And im sos happy tht ure dating reggiue
<>?3
Im at a prtya
James
I miss you :(
Sirius
uR HEREEEE
Hai
James
Hiiiii
Im at
a bar
Sirius
Yaaaayyyyyyt
I missu so much bab
Babees
James
Love u
Miss u
<3
Sirius
Awwwwwwwer
Well i love u
I hv 2 go but
Ily
Talk tmrew?
James
Yes pls
Byte
The pain wasn’t so sharp once their conversation was over. It smoothed out the edges. The presence, though, was still there. James could feel it sitting heavy in his gut, threatening to spill over if he made one wrong move. He reached for his drink and downed it in one, hoping that would help.
Sometime during his conversation with Sirius, one of the people at his side moved, and as he set his drink down, someone else slumped into it, leaning most of their body weight onto his side. He glanced down after a moment, his reaction time slow thanks to the alcohol, and was relieved to see a familiar head of red hair on his shoulder.
“Hiya Lils.”
“Hey James,” she half mumbled, half chirped, as she was wont to do. Lily was severe on a normal day, feisty and sure of herself, as well as – affectionately – quite uptight. It was part of why her relationship with Mary, who was about as carefree and lighthearted as you could get, worked so well. After a couple drinks Lily was much softer, though. They liked to joke that she had the spirit of both an old man that was a functioning alcoholic, and grumbled about the youth being sensitive and unable to hold their liquor, and also a teenager that was drinking for the first time in her best friend's basement, and they battled it out every time she consumed alcohol. It typically meant that the two personalities ended up mixed together. “You’re quiet.”
He hummed in agreement. She wiggled from where she was pressed against his shoulder, an attempt at a nudge, and James cracked a smile. “So,” she added, “let’s hear it. What’s up, spill.”
The reminder of his problems was sobering – not literally, but it was a near thing – and a sigh was falling from his lips before he could control it. He looked down at his phone, checked for notifications again, and was once again disappointed when it was once again empty. “Oh just…you know.”
“I’m not an idiot, James. You can’t ‘you know’ me into silence.”
Did he want to go there? He was close with Lily, and he had no delusions that she was going to judge him, but he hadn’t really shared that deeply about his personal life with anyone besides Marlene. It was for no reason other than his struggle with the idea of combining his two worlds. Keeping his life at home, and Regulus, separate from his new life at school kept them both safe, in a way. He looked down at Lily, and she was looking back with expectation, but without judgment, and his liquor loosened tongue began to talk.
“I’m in – I have,” he started, averting his eyes when Lily’s patient stare became too much, “I just…don’t really feel like I’ve adjusted to being here yet. I hate being away from…from home. More than I expected.”
“I get that.” She patted his shoulder consolingly. “I have this huge cloud of guilt hanging over me all the time because I’m so far from my family. I feel…selfish, I guess? For choosing to be here when I could’ve been closer.”
“Yeah,” he muttered, feeling uncomfortably seen. “That’s definitely part of it.”
“But there’s more?” She guessed, and James grimaced, nodding.
“Yeah, I — there’s…I’m in a relationship.”
“No way. Someone from here?”
“No, no. It’s…someone from home — still at home. He — he’s still in school, so…” He trailed off, feeling his throat grow thick. “Fuck. I just — really miss him.”
Once it was out there, in the open, James slumped with both the relief of it and the crushing sadness that came with speaking it aloud. He missed Regulus so much it hurt, and maybe that was selfish – Regulus seemed to be having a fun last year before it was his turn to go to college – but it was the truth. It was nice to be out and having fun, but he missed Regulus like a phantom limb.
“Oh, James.” Lily clumsily sat up and pulled him into a hug, leaning away only to swipe at his cheeks. James hadn’t realized he was crying, if he was honest. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, you silly boy.”
“Yeah,” he sniffed, fumbling with his phone to show her his lock screen – a picture of Regulus from the summer, his nose lightly sunburnt and freckled, smiling fondly at James as he was caught taking the photo – and to take the case off to reveal the photo strip he keeps hidden in there from the photo booth they found in their local mall. Lily cooed at the pictures, correctly pointing out how attractive Regulus was, and James felt a bit better, being able to talk about Regulus as he loved to do. It wasn’t always through the filter of tears and sniffling, but alas. “He’s at home. He still – he’s in his last year, so he’s really busy, and I know he’d be upset that I’m upset, but if I tell him then I’d be upset for making him upset, and…and I just wish he was here.”
As he spoke, James found it harder and harder to breathe through his tears. Lily, the angel that she was, shuffled them out of the booth, out of the bar, and into the fresh air. She smoothed a hand over James’s back as he cried, let him get it all out. When it wouldn’t stop she pulled him all the way home, both of them drunk and stumbling, and made sure he got inside, settled into bed.
“A piece of advice before I go? Call your boyfriend. I’m sure that he would be crushed to know you’re this upset, hm?” Lily ran a hand through James’s curls as she spoke. He nodded; Regulus would, in fact, be devastated to see James so worked up, especially if he thought he contributed to it. “And don’t get in your head about that selfishness business. It’s normal to miss your partner when you’re adjusting to being apart for the first time. Anyone would struggle with that, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, James.”
“Oh.” His voice cracked as the word tumbled out, and Lily gave his hand a squeeze. Her words echoed in his brain, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person . He hadn’t even realized fully how worried he was about that, how scared he was of being too clingy, of forcing Regulus to shrink his circle until James was the only person Regulus had left, simply because he was feeling a bit funny about being away from home. He didn’t want them to be unhealthy, to distract Regulus from the year ahead of him.
But…he loved Regulus, and that meant missing him. It was so simple, but hearing it from someone else felt like discovering gravity, or electricity. It was a revolutionary thought as far as James was concerned.
Lily left, and James once again found himself going through his photos of Regulus. It allowed him a moment for his thoughts to wander, to stretch out and make themselves comfortable, and he found himself weepy once again.
It was only heightened when he became aware of how empty his house was, when the silence permeated the space. He was alone. Regulus hadn’t gotten back to him in over 24 hours, all of his friends from home were busy or asleep, according to her text Marlene was still with Dorcas, Lily had just texted that she made it home. James was…well, he was crying again. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to will the tears away, and eventually resigned to a melancholy end to his night, pulling out his phone to scroll through pictures of Regulus.
There was one that he loved of Regulus wearing one of James’s sweatshirts. It was taken before they were even officially dating, though James was as gone as gone could be, and Regulus admitted to harboring a secret crush on James for a length of time he refused to put a number on. They’d gotten caught in the rain while waiting outside of a gallery that was going to be showing one of Sirius’s paintings, and even sprinting, they got soaked before they could make it back to the car. Luckily, James had a hoodie in his back seat, which he promptly offered to Regulus. The moment his head popped through the neckline, all of the pieces clicked into place for James. He liked Regulus, not just in the way when you think someone is cool and want to befriend them, but in the think-about-them-all-the-time, get-butterflies-whenever-you’re-around-them, believe-that-they’re-the-most-beautiful-person-to-ever-exist-way. It was a multi-layered realization, considering he thought himself straight before that moment, but it wasn’t something that slowed him down at all. It was Regulus. It made sense.
It was normal to miss your partner, he reminded himself, trying to stave off a spiral. It didn’t make him codependent, necessarily. He was in a committed, loving relationship, and they went from living practically in eachothers pockets to being separated by hours – that was a difficult transition. It was that sentiment, that reminder, that had him clicking a few buttons with little thought, pressing the phone to his ear as it rang.
Just as he was about to give up, there was a click, and then…
“James?”
Oh, James could cry – if he wasn’t already crying, that is. Regulus’s voice was deep and scratchy and thick with sleep, laced with just the right amount of love and concern, likely because of the late hour. He sucked in a breath that rattled through him, catching in his throat, and there was rustling on the other end.
“James? Are you – it’s the middle of the night, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I–” His voice broke and he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to pull himself together. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”
“Yes, but it’s fine. What’s up?” More rustling, and James could see it so clearly, Regulus pulling his sleep stiff muscles to sit up in bed, clicking his lamp on. It was almost a shock when James opened his eyes to his college bedroom, where he sat alone on his own bed, miles away.
“I– I’m drunk,” he admitted. The world was still spinning if he was too still, even after a glass of water and his walk home in the cold. “A little bit – too much I think.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.”
“Are you – are you safe? Are you at home?”
“No,” he said on instinct, because it didn’t feel like home. Not at all. He realized his mistake when Regulus let out a shaky exhale, and quickly made to fix it. “No, I– yes. I’m sorry. I – I’m at the house. I’m okay. I’m in my room.”
There was another long exhale, this time of relief, and then a beat of silence. “Is something else going on?”
Considering this, James was quiet for a moment, then two. “Yeah, I just – fuck.” He squeezed his eyes shut again, fighting against the new wave of tears that was incoming. “I really…really fucking miss you, Reg.”
“Oh,” Regulus said, breathy. “James, you – I miss you too.”
“I don’t – I know you’re really busy, and I’m not – it isn’t your fault, but it hurts all the time that we’re so so far apart, and I– and – Marlene went to Dorcas’s, so I’m home alone, and I’m drunk, and I hate it here, and I miss you.” He finished with a pathetic sniff, tried not to take the silence that followed his admission as a bad sign.
“I’m gonna switch the call to facetime, alright, baby? Just… hold on.”
True to his word, the request popped up, and James accepted. He looked worse than he expected in his own little square, teary eyed and red faced, but none of that mattered when he could see Regulus’s face. His curls were awry from sleep, his eyes heavy in the low light, his face slightly creased from his pillow. James could also see one of his own t-shirts slipping off Regulus’s shoulder, a sight that still made his heart skip a beat. Behind him was a jumble of photos, the contents and layout familiar. His eyes skipped over that and back to Regulus, then, after a moment, doubled back. Was that…?
“Are you–? Is that my room?”
With a small smile, Regulus nodded. “I was having a shitty day so I came over to see your parents, and then…” He shrugged, though his cheeks flushed pink. “I sort of just…asked if I could stay in your room. Your mom had offered before, and I think they felt bad about how pathetic I am about you being away, so…”
Unable to speak, James made a garbled sound that he hoped expressed even a fraction of the affection surging through him. Of course, James didn’t want Regulus to have any bad days, or to be upset, but to be reminded that he wasn’t the only one struggling was such a monumental relief. When he was able to speak again, it was to echo, “you’re in my room.”
“Your bed is very comfortable, to be fair, and–”
“I love you.”
Regulus stopped, looking mystified, even though it was hardly the first time James had said those three words. “I love you too, James.”
They let that sit between them for a long moment, just looking at one another, before James felt capable of forming words. “I feel like…I don’t know how to be away from you without it hurting. I can’t – nothing makes sense lately. I don’t think I’ve been really…I just…got in my head that you were more – more okay with this, I guess? Like…you have all this stuff going on, and I felt stupid for not being able to make myself do anything”
“Oh, James.” Regulus frowned, his eyes taking on a glassy sheen. “I didn’t realize…here I was trying not to bombard you with texts so you could have fun without worrying about me. I should’ve known to–I should’ve thought about how that might make you feel. I’m sorry.”
Although he wanted to argue, to tell Regulus that he didn’t need to apologize, he knew it wouldn’t be productive. “It’s alright. I should’ve said something before now, so I guess we both have some things to work on.” He waited for Regulus to look into the screen, to make eye contact the best they could through the screen. His words were a bit slurred, but he thought his message came across okay. “I don’t know how to do this. At all. It feels…it feels really heavy.”
Regulus waited a long moment before speaking, and James could tell from the look on his face that it was because he was being careful, considering each word. “I think… we’ve been dealing with this differently, and both of us haven’t wanted to burden the other because we both made assumptions about each other's feelings. I don’t – I want you to know that this has not been easy for me, at all, and I’m sorry that I made it seem like it was. I thought…I assumed that I would be holding you back, but it really, really fucking sucks not having you here, so I’ve been trying to constantly distract myself with random shit so I don’t have to think about it.” His face flushed as he spoke, and James wanted to kiss both of the pink spots on his cheeks. “Clearly, it backfired, considering I cried at dinner with both of your parents and the only thing that calmed me down was changing into clothes that smell like you and falling asleep in your bed. It’s shitty, and I hate it, but we’ll get through it. I know we will.”
The confidence behind his words made something in James’s chest untangle. He still longed – to see, to touch – but it wasn’t as desperate as before, as painful. He nodded vigorously. Distantly, he wished that they were having this conversation when he was sober, but then again, they were only having it because he was drunk, so. “It does fucking suck.” Although the worst of their talk was over, his voice broke again. “You’re in my room, in my shirt, and I’m – I’m so fucking far away.”
“Everything I’m wearing is yours, actually. I have a pair of your boxers on and everything,” Regulus said with a wrinkled nose, injecting some much needed levity into the call. “I didn’t plan to stay here, so I had to make do.”
“I’m going to pretend you never said that. I’m not in a state to get on a bus home right now.”
At that, Regulus grinned, and James finally felt like he wasn’t drowning. Each layer of his anguish was peeling away the longer they spoke. “We’ll make a plan for a visit soon. Now that I’ve submitted most of my applications I could clear a weekend.”
“Really? You’re not–? Really?”
“Yes, James. Really.”
“Oh, that’s–” He had to stop himself from squealing with how excited he was. He stood up, then sat back down when he realized Marlene wasn’t home, and he couldn’t go across the hall to tell her. “Wow, that would be – yeah, I would love it if you were here. A lot.”
“I want to see what you’re up to over there. Meet your new friends.” He paused, then smirked. “Scope out my competition.”
James scoffed, the mere thought of competition ridiculous. “As if, baby.”
“Don't be so naive. I know you’re oblivious to it but I know it's there.”
“I actually was talking about you tonight,” James admitted, thinking back to his rambling to Lily.
“Were you?”
“Yeah, it was – honestly, I started crying at the bar and showing Lily pictures of you. She had to take me home. I made a scene, I think.” He grimaced, thinking about all of the people that probably saw his breakdown. “She’s the one that told me to call you, actually.”
“You can’t just say things like that and not–” Regulus huffed, swiping at his eye. “She’s a smart woman, and you suck, I hate you.”
With a smile, James nodded. “Very smart, and shush. You love me.”
“I really do. Fuck you.”
“Gay.”
“Fuck off,” Regulus laughed, shaking his head. “I’m going to wake your parents up at this rate.”
“Nah, my dad snores so my mom has about three fans and plays low-fi beats overnight. Their room might as well be in another world.”
“Of course she does. God, I love her.”
“Yeah?” James didn’t know why it hit him so hard, considering he knew how much Regulus adored his parents, but to hear it spoken so plainly was…yeah. It was a nice thing to hear. It further solidified what he already knew deep in his bones, that Regulus was going to be forever.
“Mhm. You know she’s roped me into her book club? Every sunday I’m in your living room with a bunch of women from the neighborhood drinking tea and discussing our chapters. I’ve got a thrilling life over here.”
“You’re the perfect son she never had. She keeps reminding me to put money away just in case we want to get engaged in the next few years.” He rolled his eyes thinking about it; she always thought she was so subtle.
“Mhm, a few of the book club women were trying to set me up with their daughters and she was very proud to inform them that I’m dating her son and that she ‘just knows’ that we’ll be together forever, and then criticized them for assuming my sexuality.” Regulus was unable to contain his grin. “They were all very ashamed. She suggested a queer romance for the next book after that.”
“Oh my god,” James said on a laugh, perfectly able to imagine that scene unfolding. “I’m glad that…that you feel so comfortable with them. It feels…yeah. Great.”
“ Yeah. Great ?” Regulus teased, but there was a fondness to it.
“Mhm.”
After a long moment of quiet, of contentment, Regulus spoke again. “How are you feeling now, any better?”
James paused, evaluating. All of the aching, the longing, and tension and squeezing, was quiet. There was nothing pulling at him, the sense of emptiness wasn’t so dire. “Yeah. Loads better.” Regulus’s pleased look made James mirror it, and they were both quiet, looking at each other, for another long while. “I think…I think I was so torn up about being away from you that I wasn’t really letting myself put down any roots here. I didn’t – I haven’t been…”
“Haven’t been what?” Regulus prompted when James trailed off.
“I don’t think I’ve been, like…taking very good care of myself? I didn’t really notice, but…I guess I haven’t been going to football, or trying to make plans with anyone, or doing anything I like to do, really.” He scrunched his nose as all of the bad habits he had acquired stacked up in his brain. It was damning evidence. “I think I was scared of leaving you behind? Or feeling like I was?”
“Oh, James.” Regulus gave him a watery smile. “You know I would never think that? You would have to do something really insane and unlike you for me to think you were leaving me behind. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re very good to me.” He fixed James with a very pointed look, only smiling once James’s cheeks flushed. “We’ll just have to…adjust, then. This is…we haven’t dealt with something before.”
James sniffed, acutely aware of just how many times he had cried in the past few hours, but not caring enough to hold it back. “And it’ll get easier, right? I…one of Lily’s friends is on her second year of long distance and she said it would. That we’ll figure out how to make it work for us.”
“Exactly. Maybe soon we can talk about it a bit more, plan out the next few months.” Regulus’s video paused, and James guessed that he was making note of the idea, maybe even adding it to his calendar. James always loved when Regulus penciled him in – he had his own color tab and everything. “I can help you set up a calendar for your assignments, and we can figure out when you can visit home, too. Your parents miss you.”
“Do they?”
“James.” Regulus looked at him, unimpressed. “You are literally their pride and joy, and you’re away from them for the first time in almost 19 years. Of course they miss you. They’ve taken to spoiling me in your absence – your dad has given me about twelve books so far, and my room is going to overflow soon at the rate your mom buys me things that make her think of me.” He paused for a beat. “It’s…everyone kinda left all at once, you know? They knew it was coming, of course, but I think coming home to a quiet house had been difficult for them, and I think it’s been comforting for them to know that I’m missing you too.”
“You might need to stop me from buying a bus ticket right now.”
“That is an unfair ask, considering my biases, but I’ll try my best.” With a smile, he rolled his eyes. “Now, I’m not going to sleep until you get a glass of water and some pain meds, and you’re back in bed in your comfiest clothes, so. Get to it if you care about my beauty sleep.”
“You’re already beautiful without the sleep.”
Regulus paused, looking hopelessly fond. “Gay.”
“Fuck off.”
***
After that, James began to open up to his friends from school. He started smaller, with stories about his friends and what they got up to at school, then to his parents, and then, finally, to Regulus. Having people around him aware of people and things that were important to him not only helped him feel closer to his new friends, but also made him feel more tethered to home and his relationships rooted there. He still felt the ache of longing, of missing someone you love, but it was more manageable, and when he felt it he could tell his friends and let them coddle him.
Since it was so new, and everyone witnessed how much he was struggling, everyone was being very accommodating, and James was making the most of it. Like now: he was laying on Marlene’s bed, sandwiched between her and Dorcas, trying very hard not to cry.
“I’d like to let the record show that I think this is very strange. You’re a nice guy, James, but this is…”
“Shh, we’re being nice, remember?” Marlene had one hand in his curls. She wasn’t being very gentle, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless. Dorcas sighed, but didn’t lodge another complaint. “It’s alright to be upset, James.”
“He has an important exam and I can’t be there for him.” James frowned. “He always gets so stressed, and forgets to like – eat, or sleep, or go outside, but usually I can distract him for a little bit. Long enough so his brain doesn’t explode, at least.”
“You can still be there for him,” Marlene reminded him as gently as she was capable of, “just…in a different way.”
“As someone who also does that, being pulled out of my own head in any way helps. It doesn’t have to be by physically being there, you know?”
Marlene hummed in agreement, leaning over James to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek, clearly pleased that she was trying to be helpful. It didn’t take long after the night at the bar for them to become official; James was happy for them, truly, and it didn’t even sting as much as it did before.
“Or,” a voice spoke from the hallway. James sat up, confused and a bit alarmed, until the owner of the voice stepped into the doorway. “You could physically be there?”
Regulus was – he was there. In James’s house. In his college town. He was – it was really him. James gasped, his eyes bouncing from person to person, only slightly convinced that he wasn’t hallucinating Regulus’s figure just a few feet away, looking at James with a shy smile and pink cheeks. “You’re–? You–? Oh my god?” He blinked, and then suddenly, every synapse in his body was firing at once. “What the fuck?” It was a scramble, and he nearly face planted, but he managed to climb over Marlene and get to his feet, and then Regulus was so, so close.
It took every ounce of restraint for James to not jump into his boyfriend's arms, considering their size difference, but he did the next best thing. He bent to wrap his arms around Regulus’s waist and pulled, lifting Regulus’s feet right off the floor as he glued their bodies together, nearly melting at the way Regulus’s legs automatically wrapped around his waist. For a moment he couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything else but latch on. Eventually he lowered Regulus to the ground, but only to hunch over and bury his face in Regulus’s neck, to breathe in the scent of his soap and his skin, needing to know that he was real. “You’re really here?”
“I’m really here,” he confirmed as his hands came up to hold James’s head, one cupping James’s neck and the other buried in his hair. It was all too much at once. James immediately choked out a sob, squeezing Regulus tighter in lieu of speaking.
It took a long time for James to be able to speak again, but when he did, it was a choked out, “what the fuck,” spoken through sobs. Regulus pulled back to hold James’s face in his hands, grinning all the while.
“Oh, should I just go then?”
“No! Anything but that, no way. You’re– how did you –?” James stammered, too overwhelmed to speak coherently. “How– how did you get in?”
“That's what you're worried about?” Dorcas interrupted, nearly cackling. Marlene shushed her, but she was laughing too.
“I went down and left my key in a bush right before you crawled into bed with us. Great timing on my part, honestly.”
“You guys–? You planned this?”
“Mhm,” Marlene hummed. “You’re welcome.”
“Oh my god!” he exclaimed, everything hitting him all at once. “You – oh, I could kiss you right now, Marls!”
Marlene puckered her lips, and Dorcas’s smile dropped, though the serious expression that replaced it was mocking. “Please don’t.”
“Seconded,” Regulus hummed. With all of the emotions and the complete lack of knowledge, James had forgotten something very important.
“You’re–oh, you–,” he stammered, looking between the girls on the bed and his boyfriend. As his brain had finally kicked into gear, at least somewhat, he pulled Regulus out into the hallway, crowded him against the wall, and connected their lips in a kiss that made up for all the weeks they’d gone without. His hands were quick to slide underneath Regulus’s sweater and to his bare waist, just as Regulus’s reached under up James’s tee to rest on the muscles of his back. He was distantly aware of voices and leering from inside the bedroom, a loud whistle from Marlene, and a “didn’t take you for a prude, Potter,” from Dorcas, but it may as well have been coming from another planet. Tossing aside any worries about being rude, he walked himself and Regulus to his own bedroom, their lips still moving against each other, and slammed the door behind them.
***
Later, when James was done keeping Regulus to himself, they got ready to go out to the bar. Marlene had texted him about an hour prior that they were heading there, telling him to meet them there if they ever left James’s room. While James had in fact protested, Regulus said he hadn’t been joking about wanting to meet James’s friends, to see the life he had established at school, and that was that.
There were still lingering nerves about meshing his two worlds together so directly. Although he had told most of his friends about Regulus, having them meet was something entirely different. He was worried, probably irrationally so, that he had somehow created separate personalities, and that the intermeshing would expose him as a phony. He shook that thought away as he guided Regulus to the corner table their group always occupied, one hand at the small of his back.
Their approach was met with a chorus of greetings – some knowing who was at James’s side, and some visibly confused. Regulus waved, a shy smile on his face despite the confidence he projected up until that moment, and James squeezed his hip to reassure him. They slid into chairs next to Marlene; predictably, James hooked an ankle around Regulus’s chair to slide it closer to himself as Regulus sat, wanting to make sure he was within touching distance at all times.
“Who’s the arm candy, James?” Fabian Prewett grinned from the end of the table. James was sure he had told Fabian about Regulus, but he was very drunk at the time, so it seemed that conversation hadn’t stuck in his memory.
Benjy Fenwick leaned forward, like he was also wondering. “Yeah, and s’he single?” He looked at Regulus then, directing his next words to him. “Are you single? Please say yes.”
Gray eyes bounced to meet James’s brown, amused. James understood that Benjy was joking – that he also likely had no idea James had a boyfriend, considering they weren’t that close – but still, there was a whisper of jealousy deep in his chest, and he pressed a kiss to Regulus’s cheek and threw an arm around his shoulder to quiet it down. “He isn’t, and fuck off.” At Regulus’s pleased smile, James kissed his cheek again, unable to help himself, and unashamed of that. “This is Regulus, everyone.”
“And Regulus is…?” asked Emmeline Vance, another acquaintance of James’s, a pleasant smile on her face.
“My boyfriend,” James answered simply. “He surprised me.”
“Ahh, so that's why you were so late,” Frank Longbottom hummed. “I was wondering if that mark on your neck was a trick of the light, but I suppose not. Nice work.” He turned to Regulus, nodding in genuine appreciation. Glancing down, James watched as Regulus’s mouth opened, then snapped shut, a pretty pink flush creeping across his cheeks. “Oh– and nice to meet you, Regulus. I’ve heard so much about you that I forgot we haven’t actually met.”
“Nice to meet you,” Regulus mumbled, only slightly avoiding eye contact.
“Don’t embarrass him, Frankie,” Gideon cut in, plopping down beside Frank with an armful of drinks. “If James gets his way Regulus will be around a lot, either until he realizes he can do better than James, or James dies. We need him to like us.”
At that, Regulus turned to James with raised eyebrows. James smiled, sheepish. “May have done some rambling to Gid last time we went out.” He shrugged. “I mean, it’s true. I–”
“Don’t let him get sappy, you two just got here!” Marlene interrupted, reaching to slap a hand over James’s mouth. “We want to hear all about James before we met him.”
“Oh, where should I start?” Regulus grinned, sitting up from where he was pressed against James. Of course, he stopped being shy for this. James shook his head, overwhelmingly fond, no matter how much he was about to be humiliated. “Have you heard about the time that he got suspended from school?”
There was a cheer from the table, and James ducked his head into Regulus’s neck with a groan. That was…a bad one. Mostly a misunderstanding, but it did not make him look good. As the group talked over each other, making predictions and bets, Regulus dropped his head to be on the same level as James. “This okay?”
“More than.” He snuck a kiss while nobody was paying attention, just a quick peck. “Embarrass me all you like. I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Gay,” Regulus mumbled, a blinding smile on his face, just before he was pulled back into the conversation.
The story was told, and even though he was pretty sure Regulus was being generous in his retelling, James knew that his friends would likely never let him live that one down. Marlene was about to launch into her own James story, when she was interrupted by a loud screech.
“I missed it? And nobody told me?” Lily was talking with her hands, a drink in one of them. “Fuck all of you! You’re all the worst and I hate you all, and – hi Regulus – and I hope you all die.” She squeezed into the seat next to Regulus and grabbed one of his hands while he blinked at her. “Oh, I’ve heard so much about you.”
Mary stood behind her, looking both exasperated and fond, and met eyes with James from over their heads. “We were at a party, and when she got the picture you sent her she practically dragged me out. I don’t even think we said goodbye to anyone, and Lily hates to Irish goodbye.”
Now calm, Lily was talking to Regulus in hushed tones, their heads low. James watched for a moment, head tilted, before turning back to Mary. “This might be bad for both of us.”
“Mhm. I’m getting that also.”
“Don’t let Dorcas in on it,” Marlene chirped, “from the brief conversations I had with Regulus to plan all this I know that would be a disaster for the three of us.”
“Don’t let me in on what? Oh – Lily’s here.” She paused from where she was about to sit by Marlene, and moved to sit next to Lily, leaning forward to join her conversation with Regulus. Marlene groaned from behind James.
“We’ve created a monster. They’re going to like…start a book club or something, and before you know it we’ll never see them again.”
“Well, Reg’s already in a book club with my mom, so. He’s all booked up.”
Marlene laughed at his stupid joke, while Mary sighed. Regulus, though, looked over his shoulder with a scrunched nose. “That was terrible.”
“Ah, but you love me, though.”
With a smile and a middle finger, Regulus said, “yeah, whatever,” before turning back to his huddle. James observed for a moment longer before deeming it safe to head to the bar. When he made it back Regulus was still talking, so James put the drink for him down on the table, kissed his temple, and wandered off to talk to Frank.
Some time later, one more drink and one shot down, James became painfully aware of Regulus’s absence. He made his way around the bar, dodging his friends that were all at differing levels of drunkenness, until he found Regulus standing around a high-top table, still with Lily and Dorcas. James approached from behind, wrapping his arms around Regulus’s waist and propping his own chin on Regulus’s shoulder.
“Oh.” Regulus startled at the contact, but quickly relaxed back into James’s hold. In one of the many ways they were compatible, Regulus was always receptive to James’s clinginess. It was something that James hadn’t expected at first, for Regulus wasn’t much of a touchy person; in fact, he tended to try to avoid it. It wasn’t long into the start of their friendship that James discovered he was the exception to that rule – that Regulus would seek James’s touch just as often as James did his. “Miss me or something?”
“Mhm,” James hummed, tightening his arms in a brief squeeze. “Desperately.”
“Aw, do you have a crush on me?”
“Something like that,” James mumbled into his boyfriend's neck, adding a kiss there for good measure, relishing in the way he could feel Regulus’s skin heat up at the brief contact.
“So embarrassing,” Regulus whispered back, but James could hear the love dripping from his voice. He knew that their soppier conversations were reserved for when they were alone. That Regulus was always going to joke with him when they were in public, especially in such an unfamiliar space. James didn’t begrudge him for it. In fact, he thought it might be what made their relationship so fun. He liked that they could make fun of eachother, and then a few hours later have the most tooth-rotting, cringe-inducing, hopelessly embarrassing, and deeply loving conversation. Some things were best kept private, anyhow.
“You two have to stop, I’m gonna cry.” Lily fanned her face, eyes wide like she was trying to will the tears away.
“Are we that ugly?”
“Fuck off, James. You’ve just – you’ve been so sad, and seeing you two together – oh, it’s just so nice.”
“Yeah, well. I love him.” James squeezed again, and Regulus squeezed back from where his hands laid atop James’s.
“When I say sad, I mean…holy shit,” she continued, directing her words at Regulus. “I’ve never seen a man that looks like that cry so much. It was – well, great, in a way. Boo toxic masculinity. But, I only mean to say, you mean so much to James, clearly, and it’s nice to see his love expressed in such a lovely way instead of tearily and snottily.”
“Hey, you said it was a normal amount of tears and snot.”
“I lied,” she said with a pat to the top of James’s head. “It was excessive.”
***
A few hours later, and James was drunk.
It wasn’t excessive. He was being mindful of the fact that his boyfriend was visiting, wanting to be coherent, but also wanting to show him a fun night. Regulus wasn’t far behind himself, nursing the glass of water he requested between each drink, his eyes slightly hooded.
They were back at the table, and someone was talking, James was sure, but their voice faded into the bass heavy music that pumped through the speakers. He was entirely focused on Regulus, tracing patterns on his skin with the thumb of the arm wrapped around his shoulder. Regulus didn’t seem to be listening either. Much of his weight was pressed against James, his head laying on James’s chest.
“Alright?”
“Mhm.” Regulus nodded, his voice slightly muffled from turning his head to speak directly into James’s chest. “S’fun.”
“We can go if you’re tired.”
“No, not tired, just…” He pushed himself up, smiled softly at James. “For the sake of honesty, I just…want to be closer.”
That softness, the vulnerability there, had James leaning in for a kiss. It was chaste, but firm, and Regulus chased his lips as James pulled away, pouting at the separation. “So come closer, then.”
One look over his shoulder, then another, and Regulus turned back to James, bottom lip between his teeth. “You don’t – you’re sure? That isn’t – too much?”
With a scoff, James reached out and pulled Regulus from his chair and onto his own lap. “Don’t hold back on my account, baby.” He leaned up to plant a kiss on Regulus’s cheek. “I think they’re more surprised that I didn’t have you like this sooner.” One glance at his friends, at their lack of reaction, confirmed his thoughts. “Honestly, they’re probably surprised we’re even still here. They’re not joking when they say I talk about you a lot.”
Even though he knew that James missed him, both from James himself and the firsthand accounts from his friends, Regulus flushed pink at the admission. James leaned up again and kissed both of the dark patches on his cheeks.
“Did you want to go? We don’t have to stay just because I wanted to.”
“Nah,” James said, squeezing Regulus’s hip. “I like showing you off.”
Regulus shook his head, but couldn’t suppress the wide grin on his face. “You’re such a caveman.”
“I mean.” He shrugged, not disagreeing. “Is it so bad? You’re so far out of my league it isn’t even funny, and you’re in love with me. Of course I want to show you off, I’ve pulled off the biggest win in history.”
“Oh, stop that.” Hands came to cup James’s face, Regulus’s expression serious as he looked into James’s eyes. “It’s such a same you don’t realize how fucking great you are. You’re really…”
His words faded out, and James waited for them to continue while Regulus stared at him. After a moment, Regulus leaned forward to press their lips together in a kiss that was sweet and lingering, neither of them willing to break it off. Eventually, when they needed to breathe, they pulled back, foreheads pressed together.
“I’m really what?”
“Quit fishing.” Regulus tsked, and James smiled. He was so, so in love. His entire body was thrumming with it. It made him understand every romance movie he’d ever seen, understand why Romeo and Juliet couldn’t go on without the other, understand every cliche in the book. “You’re very pretty, James. How’s that?”
“Hmm, 6/10. Could’ve been better, but I’ll take it.”
***
It was reaching the end of the night. Both James and Regulus were more sober than an hour prior, tired and happy to just be together. Regulus was still on James’s lap, and most of the table was deserted. Marlene was sitting with her head on the table, eyes closed, and James and Regulus had been debating if she was awake or not for the past five minutes.
“I’ve got a great idea,” James mumbled against Regulus’s neck. “We leave, get food, bring it home, and then go to sleep.”
“That does sound nice. Should we wake up Marlene?”
“I still don’t think she’s sleeping, but I think she’s going to Dorcas’s tonight.”
One of Regulus’s eyebrows went up. “By coincidence, or?”
“–or did I ask her to? You bet I did.”
“You’re so lame,” Regulus said, but he was grinning, and he leaned down to press their smiles together in a mostly failed attempt at a kiss. “And presumptuous.”
“Well, I got my super hot boyfriend being lame and presumptuous, so it must work for me.”
Clumsily, Regulus twisted himself so he was facing James and grabbed his face. “Take me home?”
“Let’s go, baby.”