Salutations,
James's wand was pressing into his chest. The point of contact was firm but not painful.
“I said. Who. Are. You?”
Sirius stepped up to him, trying to pull him back. James wouldn't budge. “James, it's just Bob.”
Regulus could do nothing but look up into James's eyes. He wasn't believing the lie anymore. They would have to tell him.
Oh, Merlin, how was he going to tell him?
“Did you hit your head when you fell, mate?” Sirius asked, sounding more panicked by the second.
Hurt flashed across James's face as he looked at his best friend, "No, I did not. I know you're not telling me something. Who the fuck is this Sirius?”
"I—uh. Shit.” His brother turned his panicked face toward him, clearly begging for some kind of miraculous answer to this situation.
There wasn't one.
He knew he should speak, tell James everything. But the words were choking him. Lodged in his throat and refusing to be released. He let his eyes drop from James to his brother. Please tell him. I can't.
The words were not said out loud, but Sirius clearly understood, looking between him and James. Regulus could see the gears turning, Sirius trying to decide what to say.
In the end, he opted for the simplest option. Placing a gentle hand on James's shoulder as he spoke, “James, it's Regulus.”
James reared back like he'd been slapped. Staring at Sirius like he had just spit on him. “Sirius. Regulus is dead.” The words came out breathy, like it took something from him to speak them.
Oh, how he hated the pain that laced those words. The spark in James's eye flickered for a moment before he took a deep breath and fought to hide his emotions. He was never very good at it, not like he and Sirius were.
“I swear to you, this is my brother," Sirius said.
James pointed his wand back at Regulus’s chest. “Then he's tricked you somehow. Confounded you and told you lies. Regulus is dead, has been for well over a year.” James was shaking, pleading when he looked back at his friend, “You know that! Sirius, you cried in my arms over the prophet when it was announced.”
Sirius stepped between him and James, once again pushing at the wand pointed at Regulus's chest. “I know. I remember; it was one of the worst days of my life.”
James shook Sirius off, pushing away and forcing his fingers into his hair. “Then how can you believe this is Regulus? He doesn't even look like him.”
“He's under Polyjuice."
James turned back, putting his hands on Sirius's shoulders. His eyes were shining, breath coming in short puffs. “Sirius. We watched the funeral. I've stood next to you at his grave.”
Regulus felt his breath catch. He had been watching the whole interaction with a ringing in his ears and determination not to let the tears fall. This though? Sirius had gone to his funeral? Went to his grave? "You—you went?”
Sirius winced, "Yeah, Reggie. Of course I did. I– I didn't go up to the service, though. I couldn't. We watched from a distance; I didn't want our family to see me.”
“And to my grave?”
Sirius looked so sad as he faced him, “Yeah, I went several times. A few times with James. Some with Remus. A time or two on my own.”
He nodded and tried to swallow; the lump in his throat was choking him again. “Why?”
“I had so many things I needed to tell you. Things I wanted to talk to you about. I didn't know how else to get it off my chest.”
“But you knew my body wasn't there. The prophet's article said I wasn't recovered.” Reaching up, he pulled the necklace between his fingers and began rubbing it.
The motion caught James's attention. He had been standing still, watching their conversation. At the glint of silver, his hand snapped out and grabbed the necklace from Regulus's grasp.
He tried to lean forward with the pull of the chain, but the movement was too fast. The chain around his neck snapped.
So did all of his control.
He watched James look down at the necklace dangling in his fingers. His sight blurred as the tears began their cruel cascade, his chest feeling like it was caving in as James's eyes shot up to his.
They looked just like the eyes of boggart James. Cold, disgusted, angry— hateful.
Leaning forward, he wrapped his arms around himself. Letting his hair fall in his face as he hung his head. Stepping back—away from his literal worst nightmare.
Regulus tried to hold in the sobs, fighting his lungs for every breath. He couldn't hear anything anymore.
Oh, but he could feel. The pressure building in his head, encouraged by the thundering gallop of his racing heart. He wasn't sure how it was still working when it was in so many pieces.
He was shaking. Nerves shooting through him as his legs gave out and he dropped to the ground, bringing his knees up to his chest.
Then there were cool hands on his face. Thumbs rubbing soothingly over his cheek bones.
Opening his eyes, his vision was filled with Sirius. His brother was leaning toward him. Lips moving, forming words he couldn't understand. He was frowning and then started taking deep, dramatic breaths. Encouraging Regulus to follow along.
It took several minutes, but slowly his hearing started to come back. His heart rate was coming down slightly, and his breathing became more controlled.
That seemed to be enough for Sirius to drop his hands and turn back to James. Sighing as he spoke slowly, “James, I know about you and Reg.”
James's eyes widened, and he looked like he was about to be sick. “How? I never told anyone.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow at him before gesturing to Regulus and looking pointedly at the necklace still in James's grasp.
“That doesn't prove anything."
His brother scoffed, “And you tell me that I'm the stubborn one.” Pushing himself up, he stood in front of James. “What I don't get is why you never told me.”
“You say that like you would have been okay with it.” James's voice was barely a whisper, “You and Regulus were so at odds with each other. If I had told you, you would have made me choose—and I wouldn't have been able to.”
Sirius looked stricken. “I might not have liked it, but I would like to think I have enough heart to see that you loved each other and were happy. That's all I want for either of you.”
James visibly swallowed, looking away from Sirius. “Well, it's too late fo–” he cut himself off as he glanced back at Regulus. Eyes going wide as he stared.
Sirius noted James's expression and turned too, “Oh fucking finally!” He threw his hands up, “The Polyjuice is wearing off, Reg. See, James! It's Regulus.”
Regulus stood, feeling unsteady as his limbs shifted back to his own form. He watched his hands shrink slightly and his skin tone shift. When it was finished, he looked back up at his brother and then at James.
James's voice cracked down the middle as he spoke, “Reg?” Tears flowed freely down his face as he took him in.
“Hi.” Was all he could manage in response.
Then James was throwing himself forward, arms outstretched to pull him in. Regulus’s first instinct was to reel back, to avoid the contact. He tried, but the pile of things behind him blocked his escape. James's arms came around him to pull him into a crushing hug.
He was paralyzed. Stuck in the warm embrace of the love of his life—and he'd never felt so cold. Not even the bottom of the lake had been this torturous.
James’ hold on him felt like he would never let go. But he had to; he has a son—and Lily. Any second he would remember. He would pull back and this moment would be over.
Sirius cleared his throat. James didn't budge. His brother tried again; still, James didn't let go.
Slowly, Regulus realised he would have to be the one to push James away. So he moved his arms up and removed himself from the embrace. Gently pushing James back. He was expecting the mixed emotions on James's face, but it still hurt.
"H—how? Regulus, how are you alive? Where have you been?” James asked, wrapping his arms around himself.
Looking down at his feet, he didn't answer. He didn't want to answer these questions, didn't know how. He wanted to melt into the floor and disappear into the cracks.
“We can save the explanation for another time," Sirius said, reaching out and placing his hand on Regulus's shoulder. “We still have to find the diadem and we're running out of time today.”
James finally tore his gaze away to look at Sirius. “I think I deserve some answers.”
“Prongs, I'm not saying you don't, but it's not the priority right now.” His brother's voice was stern. He sounded like their father, and anyone who knew Sirius knew there would be no budging on the topic when that voice was used.
James scoffed, turning and marching away into the stacks of objects.
Regulus watched him leave. He thought his breath would come easier with a little distance from James, but he was wrong. As soon as James was out of sight, he felt the panic rise in his chest.
“James!” he shouted, feeling strangled.
James popped instantly back into sight. “What?” His eyes were darting around for the source of Regulus's distress.
He swallowed, his throat feeling dry and his voice wouldn't cooperate. He couldn't say anything.
Sirius was watching him, seeming to understand and take pity on him. “Uh, please don't go too far, Prongs… Who knows what else could be in here.”
James watched them for a moment before he nodded, staying within sight for the rest of their search.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before Sirius let out a victorious whoop that brought him and James flying to his side.
In front of them was an old chest with the top thrown open. Inside rested the diadem seated on a myriad of other junk.
“That's it, right, Reggie?” Sirius asked.
He released a sigh. "Yeah, Sirius, that's it.”
“Why does Dumbledore need the diadem anyway? I mean I know it's a Hogwarts founder artifact and everything, but it seems like an odd thing for him to want. Especially when he could have come and gotten it at any time if he knew where it was," James asked.
He and his brother shared a look before Sirius spoke, “We may have lied that Dumbledore wanted it. He had nothing to do with this."
James blinked at Sirius. “Okay… Then why do you need it?”
Sirius went to open his mouth, but he interrupted his brother, “No. I understand you want answers, James, but this isn't one that I'm willing to share.”
James looked like he was going to argue—oddly, he didn't, snapping his jaw shut before sighing, “Fine.”
Sirius clapped them both on the back and smiled, “Great, then let's get the hell out of here. Do your thing, Reggie.”
Regulus pulled out a small box from his pocket. Unshrinking it and placing the diadem inside before locking it.
Tucking the box under his arm, he pulled out his Polyjuice Potion and took another small sip. Not much, but enough for it to last until he got to the shack.
He refused to meet Sirius or James's eye once the change was complete. Now that James knew, it felt wrong for him to see him as anyone other than himself. Still, needs must.
They walked in silence as they made their way down from the seventh floor to the exit. Quickly finding the path to Hogsmeade and to the gates marking the exit from Hogwarts grounds.
As soon as they passed through the gates, he stepped off the path and away from the other two. “Right, well. I need to go— anyway. James, you can't tell anyone I'm alive. It would put me and Sirius in extreme danger— Sirius, I'll send you a letter about the next step.”
He needed to get out of there, away from the guilt and regret that grew with each second in James's company. Besides, he could feel the Polyjuice expiring again.
Regulus started his turn to apparate when he felt a hand grab him. “Absolutely not!”
Too late to stop, he quickly adjusted for whoever had decided to unexpectedly sidelong. Landing in the Welsh forest outside his shack.
As soon as he was steady, he whipped around. James was standing beside him, bent over and panting. “You could have gotten yourself splinched, you idiot! That was so dangerous!”
James took a few deep breaths before standing upright, still unsteady and looking like he was about to be sick. "You—I—I couldn't let you just disappear again.”
Merlin, James was so– infuriating. “So getting yourself killed was a better option?”
James ignored him. "Reg, I thought you were dead," he said, stepping closer, arms bent with his hands out, palms up.
He stepped back, keeping his distance from James. “I should be. But somehow that hasn't happened yet.”
James dropped his hands. “You sound disappointed.”
“Sometimes I think I am.”
“Why? Why would you do that?” he said, throwing his arms out wide. “Leave everyone who cares about you behind? Let them mourn you?”
“To keep them safe.” He spoke quietly. Looking down and pulling at his left sleeve, “besides, I don't think many people were upset that I was gone.”
“Sirius. Remus. Your friends, Reg?” James sounded like he was pleading, “Me. What about me?”
He finally looked up at that, meeting James's eyes, “You? We— you and I were over long before I died.”
“That was your choice. I tried to respect it, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring," James said, stepping closer again, patting his chest. Right over his heart.
He scoffed, “Right. You cared so much you ran right into her arms.”
James reared back, “Is that what you think? Merlin, Reg, you have no idea.” He reached up, pulling at his hair and turning away.
“Don't I? I think the evidence speaks for itself.”
“Evidence?” James turned back.
“You have a son, James.” He could feel the tears beginning to form. Blinking rapidly, he tried to stop them from falling.
“For fuck's sake, Reg. Yeah, yes, I have a son. A wonderful baby boy that I love more than life itself.” He started pacing.
“With Lily.”
"Wha—" James stopped and laughed, “Yeah, with Lily. When you left me, it broke my heart. I found comfort in my friends. Lily is my friend and—”
“And that made it all the easier to—"
“Don't fucking interrupt me!” he shouted, “Lily was there for me a lot when I was picking up the pieces you left behind, and yes, we made—I made some stupid mistakes.”
He scoffed.
James ignored it and pushed on, “But I don't regret it because it brought me Harry.”
Regulus felt all the anger and frustration drain from him. That's what he wanted for James after all. For him to be happy. What did it matter if it wasn't with him? “Great. James, I really am happy for you that you've managed to create your happy little family. Truly, you deserve it.”
“You say that like you don't want to be part of it.”
“Salazar, you and my brother.” He pulled his hands down his face, “When will you realize I don't work into your little puzzle? I broke my edges long ago; I’ll never fit.”
“Reg I—” James started, but the loud crack of apparition cut him off.
Sirius sprinted forward, flinging himself on James. “Godric’s balls, Prongs! You could have hurt yourself. I'm so glad you're okay.”
Regulus pointedly ignored the look James was giving him. “And where the hell were you?” he asked his brother.
“I went to your flat. Which I am not on the wards for, you prat," Sirius said, releasing James.
“Why on earth would I add you to the wards of my flat? I only added you here so you wouldn't bring the whole damn forest down with your temper tantrums.”
Sirius huffed, "It wasn't a temper tantrum.”
“It absolutely was.”
“I thought you were dead!”
“Then you'd have been dead too, you dolt!”
James had been looking wide-eyed at the forest around them, seemingly just realizing where they were when his head snapped to face Regulus. “What!”
Regulus crossed his arms, shooting Sirius a smug look. “Why don't you tell James what you did, hmm? The abridged version, please.”
Sirius looked sheepish as he faced James. "I may have made an unbreakable vow to Reg that I wouldn't let him die during our mission.”
James stared at him. “And this mission is…”
He spoke up, “Confidential.” And with that, he turned and walked into his wards. James tried to follow, but the wards kept him out.
Sirius stood with James for a long time while he pushed and punched at the wards. Clearly trying to break in and finish their conversation.
He was grateful that his brother didn't take it into his own hands to bring James through. He didn't have the energy for any more talking. All he wanted was to curl up with James in front of a warm fire and sleep for a decade.
That wasn't an option, though. James needed to realize that he and Regulus were nothing now.
Regulus needed time to remember the same.
Sirius eventually reached out to pat James on the shoulder. They spoke quietly before turning and apparating away.
He was alone again. Legs giving out for the second time that day, he sat hard on the path to the shack's door. Staring at the spot James and his brother disappeared from.
And he let the panic take hold. Let the loneliness seep from him. Allowed the anger at the unfairness roll through him with every retched sob.
He reached for his necklace. The thing that always brought him comfort in these moments where he thought the weight of everything would crush him. And his fingers closed on nothing.
It was gone, and he didn't know how long he had stayed there on the cold earth. But eventually, the tears stopped, and his breathing came easier. It was dark, and he let his eyes adjust before he stood on unsteady legs and made his way into the shack.
He had work to do.
—
Reggie,
I know you have probably locked yourself away to sulk after everything that happened at Hogwarts. But, I wanted to reach out and tell you to cut that shit out.
I understand that you aren't happy about how everything went, but, well, James has been here for the last two days, and he has a lot of questions. I think you need to talk to him.
Remus will be home soon too, and I want to tell him. Now that James knows I don't like keeping it a secret from Remus.
I am having Christmas dinner tomorrow at my flat with James. (Just James, FYI.) Remus should be home sometime after dark. I want you to come to dinner. Talk to James. See Remus.
Please Reggie.
Love,
Your Brother.
—
Regulus hated that he felt like he owed this to his brother. He didn't want to go out. He had been shut away in his flat since returning from the shack, and he hated that his brother was right about that.
Still, he could just ignore it, stay here, and work on his plans. And there was a lot to plan. Since Sirius threw a wrench into this part of the whole kill Voldemort thing.
He wanted Sirius to know what he was doing. Then, he could have gotten Dumbledore to kill Voldemort after he destroyed the Horcruxes, since it would likely kill him.
Now he couldn't sacrifice himself, even accidentally, when destroying them because that would kill Sirius too. The shit.
So how was he supposed to do this? How do they get rid of the Horcruxes so they can end Tom Fucking Riddle and not die in the process?
He sighed, one problem at a time, though. First, this invitation. He knew his brother wouldn't take no for an answer and let him have his peace. No, if he went to the shack, Sirius would come and drag him to his flat. If he stayed home, his brother would barrage his wards until he either broke through or made Regulus give up and join them for Christmas dinner out of sheer annoyance.
He didn't like his options.
Because the only other one was willingly showing up at Sirius's flat for dinner with his newly un-estranged brother and his ex boyfriend. Which sounded like the fastest way to lose any sanity he had left.
He grumbled to himself as he picked up his paintbrush again. Slowly adding shading to soft brown eyes turned cold with hatred. He hated this painting, and he wasn't close to finishing it. He knew he needed to though. Needed the reminder that James wasn't his, and he couldn't be James'.
—
The next day he woke up in a cold sweat. It was Christmas, and he still hadn't made up his mind about going to dinner.
He walked out into his small kitchen and started the water to boil. Turning to see through to his living room where the painting of James was still seated on the easel. It wasn't finished, but he was close, staying up far too late the night before working on it.
Making his cup of tea, he sat at the table and pulled the prophet from the day before to him. There wasn't anything groundbreaking. Thankfully, there were no Death Eater attacks. He scanned for any death notices, always searching for the names of anyone he cared about. Nothing. He released a sigh of relief.
After finishing his tea, he was washing out his cup when he heard a tapping on the window. He recognized the owl as Sirius's.
Opening the window, he let the bird in, taking the small parchment from it.
Written in immaculate calligraphy, it stated:
To view this message, the intended recipient must tap their wand on the seal thrice.
This ought to be good.
He walked back to the table and picked up his wand, doing as the page instructed. The seal cracked on the third tap, allowing him to open the message inside.
Regulus Arcturus Black II,
You are hereby invited by one most handsome and glorious Sirius Orion Black III to attend his exclusive Christmas dinner.
Mulled wine and appetizers shall be served at 5:00pm.
Dinner to follow at 6:30pm shall be a Christmas roast with mashed potatoes and green beans.
The dessert served later will be chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.
Attire is casual, and attitude should be adjusted.
Please RSVP response with this owl.
Sincerely,
Sirius Orion Black III
P.S. Was this a formal enough invitation to convince you to come tonight, you prat. Please?
He sighed and dropped the letter on the table. The owl was still seated on the windowsill, preening its feathers. Clearly, it wasn't going anywhere until it had a response to take with it.
He wandered back into his bedroom and pulled a parchment out of his desk. Putting it down and grabbing his quill, he quickly scripted a reply.
You're insufferable. Yes, I will be there.
R.A.B
Walking back to the kitchen, he tied his letter to the owl's leg and shooed it out the window.
It was 10:00am now. He only had seven hours before he needed to be at Sirius's flat. He needed to get ready.
—
Most of the time, Regulus tries to ignore the things his parents taught him.
Much to what would be their severe displeasure, he is not a blood supremacist. Despite their efforts to make him hate wizards with Muggle parents, he found no difference between them and purebloods. The only notable difference is the bigotry that seems to run so deep in most of pureblood society. Though there are some Muggleborns who hold their own bigoted notions. For example, that all Slytherins are blood supremacists. Clearly, that's not true; he stands to prove that. Though it is unfortunately more often the case than not.
His parents also taught him that muggles are horrible, disgusting creatures that should be eradicated from the planet. He's quite proud to say that he also discovered this to be a blatant lie. In his time being dead, he has found that he not only likes many muggle inventions, he loves their literature. Beyond that, he has found that he quite likes being around them. They're fascinating to him. One of his favourite things to do behind his bar is watch them interact for hours on end.
The one thing his parents taught him that he will not let go of is his manners.
Sirius gave up on them years before he left Grimmauld Place, but Regulus had always quite liked them. They gave structure and rhythm to social situations. Manners make it easier to steer clear of awkwardness. At least as much as one can.
Christmas dinner was going to be one of those awkward situations. He was well aware of that going in. He also knew that there was nothing to be done about it. Still, he could put his best foot forward, so to say, and follow what he was taught in regard to good manners when you're a guest in someone's home.
That's how he ended up spending an hour in front of his small wine cabinet choosing between a Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot to take with him to dinner.
Unfortunately, he couldn't keep putting off the decision. He was clean and dressed. Wearing a dark grey button-down and tight black trousers. Simple but comfortable, and Sirius did say casual, so he wasn't going to wear formal robes.
He grabbed the Cabernet Sauvignon and his jacket. Casting a disillusionment charm on himself, he stepped out of his flat and took the short walk to where he could safely apparate.
Landing not too far from Sirius's flat, he made his way to the address. Walking up an enclosed flight of stairs, he knew he had arrived at the correct location when he stepped up to the door and felt himself passing through the wards.
He lifted his hand to knock, but the door was wrenched open before his hand met the wood.
“Reggie, you're here!” Sirius beamed at him.
“I said I would be.”
His brother leaned on the doorframe. “The wards notified me that you had arrived. You know, since I added you to them so you could come here anytime."
Regulus raised his eyebrows at him. Guilt trips were not going to convince him to give up his peace of mind and privacy in his own flat.
Sighing, Sirius stepped aside, swinging his arm wide to gesture for him to come inside. “Happy Christmas, Reggie; come in.”
He stepped in and offered the wine bottle to Sirius, who gave him a knowing smirk. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Easier said than done. He pulled off his jacket and hung it on the hook as his brother swept toward what he assumed was the kitchen.
Toeing off his shoes, he glanced around at what he could see from the front door. From the entryway, the space opened up to the left into a large room.
The wall to the right extends all the way along the large room to a hallway at the back of the space. There is a single archway in the center of the wall that Sirius disappeared into, likely the kitchen.
Just outside the archway was a small table with four chairs, and to the left, further into the room, were a couch and two armchairs. A large bookshelf was tucked into one corner, with a record player and record collection placed in the other.
Directly in the center of the large room stood one James Potter.
He watched as James took a few tentative steps closer, eyes watching like he expected Regulus to bolt. Truthfully, he wanted to, but there was nowhere to go.
James lifted his hand slightly as he got close, but he thought better of it and dropped it again. “I thought I had somehow imagined it. That you were back.”
He didn't answer.
“Happy Christmas, Reggie.” James sighed, offering a small smile as he reached up to rub the back of his neck.
“You didn't want to spend Christmas with Lily and your son?”
James shrugged, unfazed by the question. “Pads and I spent the morning with them. Wouldn't miss my son's first Christmas for the world, but Lily took Harry over to Mary's for Christmas dinner, and I came here for Sirius and Remus – and you.”
“Mhmm.” He nodded and inched around James to follow his brother into the kitchen.
Sirius was standing in front of the stove, glaring at it like it had somehow offended him. In the time since he had disappeared from sight, his brother had managed to pull his hair up in a messy twist with his wand as well as armed himself with a pair of oven mitts and an apron.
“I didn't know you could cook?” he said, leaning against the counter opposite Sirius in a battle stance.
His brother turned a grin his way, “You don't know everything about me, Reggie.”
James laughed from where he was leaning in the doorway, “He can't. The oven mitts and apron are Remus's, and I did the cooking. He's just been given instructions on when to take the roast out.”
“You can cook?”
James winked at him; he tried to ignore the way it made his chest ache. “I can. Pretty sure I would have been the biggest disappointment to my mother if I couldn't. She was big on family meals.”
Sirius scoffed, “Like you could've done anything to disappoint Effie.”
They both laughed like the notion wasn't even remotely possible. He felt uncomfortable, shifting from foot to foot. It felt awkward knowing how much it must sting to talk about her when her loss left such a huge hole in their lives. Someone so important to them both, gone.
His brother seemed to notice his discomfort. “Here.” Sirius grabbed a mug and poured him some mulled wine, handing it to him. “Why don't you go pick out a record to put on? Food will be ready soon.”
He nodded, thankful for the reprieve. Taking the drink, he turned toward the archway. The only problem was that James was currently taking up the whole thing, and Regulus was doing his best not to look at him.
James wasn't practicing by the same rules. He could feel his gaze boring into him as he approached. Leaning away and shifting his body slightly so Regulus would have only just enough room to squeeze past.
Clearly, that was the best he was going to get. Keeping his head down, he pushed through the gap, trying not to think about the warmth radiating off James.
He could hear his brother say something as he walked past the couch and up to the record collection, but he couldn't make out the words. James responded quickly, and then he could hear footsteps coming up behind him. He ignored them.
“Reg?”
His brother had quite the record collection; he could easily spend a few hours just sifting through it. Placing his mug on a side table, he started to flip through the vinyl.
“Reg.”
He could put on Bowie. That was always Remus's favorite.
“Reg.”
Maybe T-Rex? The Electric Warrior album is one of Sirius's prized possessions.
“Regulus.” James was clearly losing his patience.
He turned toward him. The album with a bright green silhouette of Marc Bolan with an electric guitar clutched to his chest. “What.”
“Why won't you talk to me?”
“What do you want me to say?”
James just looked at him for a long moment. “I have so much I want to talk to you about. So much I want to know. Like where the hell have you been?”
“That's—” he started, but James waved the question off.
“It's important, but I don't want to start there. I—I haven't been able to get what happened at Hogwarts out of my head.” He dropped down into the closest armchair.
“I don't know what you mean.”
James looked up at him, “The boggart."
He stiffened, “What about it?"
“Regulus, your worst fear is me telling you that I hate you.”
Huffing a laugh, he put the record back before moving to sit on the arm of the couch facing James. “No.”
“No?”
“That's not my worst fear.”
James closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Reg, I saw—"
“It's not what it seemed.” He interrupted.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Just what I said, James.” He was trying his best to keep his voice calm. Even. No emotion.
“Then please explain to me what the fuck it is. Because I hate that it was me that the boggart turned into for you. I don't want you to be scared of me.” James sounded so small, so defeated by the possibility that Regulus could be that afraid of him.
He had to look away, staring across the room and letting his eyes graze over the book titles on the shelf. Speaking so quietly that James was leaning in to hear him. “My worst fear isn't you telling me you hate me. It's you telling me that you never loved me at all.”
He could hear James suck in a sharp breath.
“You can hate me all you want; I deserve it.”
“Reg–”
“But what kept me going—through every level of hell has been the knowledge that you loved me. That at one point you loved me and that was enough. Even if you didn't anymore, you had once.” He looked back at soft brown eyes filling with tears, “James, that knowledge literally saved my life."
James stood and walked the few steps to Regulus. Stopping in front of him and dropping to his knees. “I could never tell you that, Regulus. The lie would choke me before the words ever fell from my mouth. I did love you.”
He felt something in his chest flutter at the same moment his heart cracked. Every time he thought it couldn't break anymore, he was proven wrong.
“I do love you.”
The words punched the breath from his lungs. He couldn't do this. He started to stand; he wouldn't do this.
James reached out and grasped his hips, pushing him back so he was sitting on the edge of the couch again. “Listen to me—"
“No. I don't need your pity, James. Just because you tell me you can't lie to tell me you never loved me doesn't mean it's okay to lie and say you still do.” He glared down at James.
James pushed himself up to stand over him, leaning forward and speaking low. “I'm not lying. I would never lie to you.”
“Bullshit. Have you forgotten how you spent your morning already!” He was shouting now. “With your son James. With Lily? Remember that, James? How can you be telling me you love me when you know you're going home to her tonight?”
Stepping back, James looked shocked. Standing there staring at Regulus before bending over, laughter spilling from him.
Enough. He'd had enough. Turning away from James, he strode across the flat to the door and grabbed his jacket.
Sirius popped his head out of the kitchen, having heard the yelling, “Reggie, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Leaving.”
James stopped laughing and rushed over to him, grabbing his jacket and pulling it out of his grasp. "Reg, wait!"
Fine. He didn't need his jacket anyway. Grabbing his shoes, he turned and pulled the door open before even putting them on.
Going to step out the door, he stopped short as he looked out the doorway and directly into the chest of someone standing outside.
Remus was looking down at him. Pale scars barely lighter than his face. Honestly, he looked like he had seen a ghost, and remembering that he still thought Regulus was dead, that might very well be what he was thinking.
“Remus. Please excuse me.” He said politely, pushing past the taller man and stepping out into the cold December air.
He heard his brother's shout of “Moony!” and James speaking behind him as he made his way down the steps.
He’d made it halfway down when a hand wrapped around his wrist and pulled him to a stop. Pushing him against the wall, the railing grinding uncomfortably into his back.
Of course, it was James. Standing over him and looking down with a bright smile. “I wasn't done talking.”
“I was. You were too busy laughing at me.”
James's smile grew wider, “I wasn't laughing at you. I just – I need to explain something to you, and I need you to shut up and listen for once.”
“I don't want to hear it.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Then beg.” He said shoving James away from him and taking another few steps before James pulled him back again. This time keeping him there with his arms bracketed on either side of Regulus's head.
"Later, love. First, you have to hear me.”
He glared up at him.
“Don't pout.”
Regulus was about to protest. Opening his mouth to tell James to fuck off, but he didn't get the chance.
James leaned down and pressed their lips together. Regulus closed his eyes, not even a heartbeat passing before he was kissing James back. It was like no time had passed since they had been tucked away in their room. Soft kisses and sweet words—but this wasn't that.
This kiss was hungry, devouring. James pushed himself into Regulus's space. Like he was trying to force every feeling he'd ever had into a single moment. Like this one kiss could explain everything to Regulus if he could just get it right.
But when they broke apart, both panting, nothing was clearer. At least, not for him. He didn't know what that was supposed to mean.
James just smiled again, looking down at him like he use to. When they were happy together.
“I'm not with Lily.”
He blinked up at James.
“We tried dating for a bit after we left school. But I couldn't get over you, so we broke it off. She didn't know who I was heartbroken over, but she was there for me. Then one night I was really bad off, missing you and feeling lonely. We were drinking and made a stupid mistake. Lily got pregnant, and we decided to keep it. Co-parent as friends. Then Mary finally told Lily how she felt about her, and they have been happily together ever since.”
He didn't know what to say. James wasn't with Lily. They have a son, but they co-parent. Lily is with Mary. James is—
“It doesn't matter.”
James looked down at him, shock and hurt warring on his face. “What?”
"I—thank you for your honesty. But it doesn't change anything for us.” He said softly, pushing against James's chest. Anything to get some distance.
“Regulus, were you listening? I just told you I'm not with Lily. I want you. I love you.”
He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath, “I love you too, and it doesn't change a thing. We can't do this.”
“I don't understand.”
“James, we are in the middle of a war. A war I am trying to stop, and I could very easily die trying. And unfortunately, my idiot brother will die too if I let that happen. I—I can't lose focus right now. It's too important.”
“Then I'll wait.”
“James–”
“No. Reg, don't you understand? I haven't moved on. There hasn't been anyone else. I love you, and I will wait for you. I was already waiting. I just thought I had to wait until I could see you in the next life.”
This time he was the one surging forward, pressing a kiss to James's lips. It was much shorter this time, though. Gentle, a promise.
“Okay. If I survive to end this war and you still want me, then I'm yours.”
"I want you. I always want you.”
He smiled up at James, who beamed down at him.
James looked back up the steps, “We should probably get back inside. You'll freeze out here without shoes on or a jacket, and I'm sure Remus has a lot of questions.”
So, side by side, they walked back up the steps, knuckles brushing as their arms swung between them. Pushing open the front door, they stepped back inside. Sirius was sitting on the arm of the chair closest to the bookshelf, with Remus seated in it. Watching as they reentered the flat.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” He said, watching Regulus. “You really are alive.”
He walked into the living room, shrugging. "I guess so.”
Remus stood, “You absolute wanker.” He stepped forward to pull Regulus into an embrace. “Best Christmas present ever.” He whispered in his ear.
Letting go, Remus stepped back, looking at James and raising an eyebrow.
Turning, he looked over to see James watching him. He wasn't looking away, eyes soft and smile smitten. They had done well at keeping it a secret in school, but with that look, their feelings would be obvious now.
Remus chuckled, “Fucking finally. Can I stop pretending I don't know about you two now?”
Both he and James whipped their heads around to face him. “What!”
“You weren't as subtle as you thought in school.” He said.
Sirius let out an indignant noise, slapping Remus's arm. “You knew!”
“Of course I did. How you missed Prong's longing sighs as he sent adoring looks across the great hall at your brother, I'll never know.”
Regulus looked over at James, jaw dropped. “You did what?”
James's cheeks were flaming red. “I didn't–”
Remus laughed, “Oh yes, you did. Lily, Marlene, Mary, and I had a bet going for when you would finally slip up and tell us.”
Sirius just gaped at him.
Regulus felt like leaving all over again.
James seemed utterly shocked. “The girls knew too!”
“As I said, you were not subtle.”
Regulus closed his eyes, needing to ask. “Please tell me I wasn't as obvious, at least?”
“You were harder to read. But eventually, we figured out that insulting James was your way of flirting.”
“Shit.”
Sirius looked between the three of them, “I think I'm going to be sick.”
Remus pulled Sirius to his chest and kissed the top of his head. “That's okay, sweetheart; you need to go check the food anyway; I think I smell it burning.”
His brother yelped and launched into action, scurrying back into the kitchen with muttered curses.
Remus smiled after him, “Let's sit at the table. I think we have a lot to catch up on.”
—
Regulus and Sirius spent all of dinner explaining where he had been, what he had been doing, and how Sirius had gotten involved.
At first, he had been reluctant to tell them anything, but Remus's genuine offer to help with whatever it was finally won him over. Much to James's indignation. But honestly, Remus was always the smartest of the four Marauders, and he welcomed the extra brain power. He still hadn't come up with a solution to his whole not getting himself and his brother killed dilemma.
They were just digging into dessert when the door to the flat flew open and a disheveled Peter Pettigrew came tumbling inside.
He was crying and breathing hard as he looked up at them from the floor. Taking in each of them sitting there.
“Marlene.” He panted. “Marlene is dead.”